Spanking Cheers

No, we’re not going to raise toasts to our beloved spankers in this post. At Windy’s suggestion, I have prepared some spanking-themed cheers appropriate for the members of that perpetually naughty cheerleader squad to chant in unison.

This post is lovingly dedicated to my husband, Randy, who has a lifelong thing about paddling cheerleaders.

“Thrust your booty Lift up your skirt Bend on over Time for the hurt” “We’re the Tigers We love the heat After the game Coach warms our seat” “Rah, rah, Tigers Kick, pass, and rush Learn our lessons With a hair brush” “Be a good sport Cheer like you should If you do not you’ll feel the wood” “We’re cheerleaders All trim and fit We love to dance But cannot sit” “Open the window Close the door shut We get paddled Right on our butt” “When we’re naughty And when we swear We get spankings It’s just not fair” “We love to cheer We love our jumps We take a break To rub our rumps”

No actual cheerleaders were harmed in the production of this post.

Top 25: Frivolous Reasons for a Spanking

As I mentioned during a recent brunch, my dear husband, Randy, feels that every spanking should have a reason. It doesn't have to be a good reason, or even a plausible reason. But there must be a reason.

Here are some favorites:

1. It'll be fun


2. It’s the weekend


3. He thinks I need a little color in my cheeks


4. I'm wearing thong-style underwear


5. He forgets how a certain implement works


6. My bottom looks nice


7. He loves how my pants fit in back


8. It’s been too long


9. He's actually part baboon


10. We have some time to kill


11. We're in a hurry


12. He wants to practice his aim


13. He says pale is boring


14. We’re going somewhere


15. We’re staying home


16. We completed a difficult or lengthy task


17. We're taking a break


18. The power went out


19. We have a new spanking implement


20. It’s a milestone for the blog


21. A reader said I needed a spanking


22. I look as though I need it


23. The holidays are coming


24. He wants to make love


25. He thinks red is my color

Whether faulty logic or no logic at all, who am I to argue? Besides, it doesn't hurt nearly as much when you're laughing!

Campaign Time - Spanko Style

For those readers outside of the United States, what follows may not make such sense. I ask your kind patience as we work through this quadrennial distraction. If we're lucky, perhaps something good will come from it.

I just couldn't let election season pass without at least once adding a spanko spin. I chose to examine that venerable institution, the political slogan. I wondered if perhaps some of the more popular ones could be corrupted ever so gently to add a spanking theme. How about these chestnuts?

A lickin' for every butt Don't change horsewhips in midstream I like Ice It's the bottom of me, stupid Stinging again in America Tippecanoe and paddle too Better red than dead The whack stops here Pains we can believe in (New for '08)

Have you any favorites you'd like to share?

Five Million Hits

Wahoo! Five million hits! How cool is that?

OK, so how does one celebrate five million of anything? If twenty five is silver and fifty is gold, I suppose five million must be satire. If that's not right, I'll take my spanking later. But for the purpose of this commemorative post, satire it shall be.

I've provided MBS stories, tutorials, and brunches in the form of convenient drop down boxes on the right side of the page. If you haven't looked around, I invite you to tour these highlights. The goofy stuff, however, is randomly sprinkled through two and half years of posts. Until now, that is.

A lot of my satirical material is based upon a fun, albeit frivolous, assumption that recreational spanking is as mainstream as golf or quilting. What would such a world be like?

Well, there would be restaurants, resorts, festivals, fairs, museums, comedy routines, and competitions. There might also be seats of higher learning, and spanking research facilities.

For media, we would have news, classic game shows, television networks, and even radio. Magazines might include horoscopes, etiquette columns, know your (spanko) partner tips, vocabulary builders, and suggestions for naming paddles.

Naturally, we would need home decorating suggestions and consumer products as well.

No spanko's calendar would be complete without National Erotic Spanking Month and Romantic Spanking Month. If that were enough inspiration, this poster would surely make one's imagine drift toward visions of sweetly reddened flesh.

This imaginary world would be a very different place, but I'm quite confident that we'd all fit in quite comfortably. OK, perhaps not all that comfortably, but it would be fun!

Thanks to you, my dear readers. Your continuing support makes this venture worthwhile.

Another Day in the Office

A Sign I'd Like to See

I'd stay there!

It's Just a Matter of Attitude

Introducing the Anti-Pervertables

I think most readers have heard of pervertables. These are common everyday objects that can be easily adapted for kinky purposes. Leather belts and wooden hairbrushes are two obvious examples. To the vanilla observer, they are utterly mundane and unremarkable. To a spanko, however, these are immediately recognizable as effective and useful implements.

Pervertables are great on vacation, especially if air travel is involved. I don’t know about you, but I cringe at the thought of those socially challenged government contractors running their rubber glove-covered fingers all over our naughty playthings. I harbor a secret fear that I will be someday be pulled from the line and forced to explain the purpose of a certain battery powered marital aid and demonstrate how it operates. Ack!

As I was standing in the shower this morning (a place of great inspiration), it occurred to me that if we can have pervertables, why not anti-pervertables? We can start with a spanking implement whose only purpose in the world is to redden the flesh of someone’s bottom. We can then transform it into an anti-pervertable by concocting a plausible cover story and an alternative usage. If we can explain its presence in plain language, we might not even have to conceal our toys. Let’s give this a try…

Implement	Cover Story
Paddle	It's for taking pizzas from the oven Transfers pottery to and from the kiln It's a fan for hot days I seem to have lost that little rubber ball Wait, I know, it's a cutting board The holes let the bread breathe
Cane	We're saving for a light sabre It's tough to start a fire without kindling Look, I'm Zorro! It's an antique ramrod I'm practicing to be a majorette Look what blew down during the storm
Strap	Watch me zap that fly! It's a rare colonial-era bungee It was my weird grandfather's money belt Like the red carpet for hamsters Why, this is nature's weatherstripping What handle?
Crop	A horse? Yeah, that's the ticket En garde! It adds character to plaster and stucco Haven't you heard of crop circles? I'm conducting an invisible symphony He's the new spokesperson for Jockey
Flogger	We're going to be pirates this Halloween It's a pantomime horse tail Gives everything the smell of leather It's great for distressing antiques These are very popular in Illinois Can't you see? It's art!

When all other excuses fail, you can always claim that it is indeed a spanking implement, but (a) it's just a gag gift, (b) it's an integral part of our 1880s schoolroom motif, (c) it just looked right in that spot, (d) it's a keepsake from my sorority days, or (e) I saw it at a garage sale and didn't know what it was until this very moment.

If our story is sufficiently compelling, we might be able to hide our spanking toys in plain sight!

Then again, perhaps not…

National Erotic Spanking Month

Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

For more information, contact:
Rosie B. Hinde
Center for Erotic Spanking
(617) 555-9000

National Erotic Spanking Month begins June 1

CHICAGO, IL -- "Let's set the night ablaze." That was the message delivered today by a host of celebrity speakers at the kickoff luncheon for the 2007 National Erotic Spanking Month. The event, sponsored by the National Coalition for Spanking Romance and the Center for Erotic Spanking, highlighted the many benefits realized by couples in spanking relationships.

"There's simply nothing that stokes my fires like a good bottom warming," said spanking enthusiast Leah West, "and when we're finished, the lovemaking that follows is marvelous." Her husband, Louis, agreed, "Spanking is an intimate exchange we share together. It brings us closer as a couple."

A recent poll suggests that recreational spanking has never been more popular. According to the study, nearly one half of adult women in the US have spanking fantasies and approximately twenty percent have tried erotic spanking. The percentages for men were slightly lower.

According to the National Coalition for Spanking Romance, the West's story is representative of millions of couples who have discovered the joys of erotic spanking. "We find that this type of positive experience is very common," said Dr. Horace Wacker, professor of Human Sexuality at UCLA. "Once people try a little kink, it quickly becomes a part of their regular repertoire."

Spanking-oriented events are scheduled at various locations throughout the month of June. For the complete schedule, consult the Center for Erotic Spanking web site.

Spanking Through the Alphabet

A is for Apple, the color of my rear B is for Bottom, reddened by my dear C is for Caning, always on my mind D is for Doggie, take me from behind E is for Energy, spanking gives to me F is for Flogger, put me across your knee G is for Gratitude, now I feel so good H is for Hairbrush, made from solid wood I is for Intercourse, the very best of all J is for Jammies, for when I’m feeling small K is for Kerchief, to keep me in the dark L is for Leather, to leave your special mark M is for Mouths, to kiss and spread our lust N is for Nooner, spank me quick you must O is for Original, show me something new P is for Paddle, in wood and leather too Q is for Questions, I answer if I can R is for Restraint, to keep me near my man S is for Spankings, they make it hard to sit T is for Tempting, you know I'll beg for it U is for Underwear, to provide a sexy show V is for Vermilion, a color we all know W is for Wallop, a swat with paddles thick X is for Xylophone, you beat it with a stick Y is for Yes, the single greatest sound Z is for Zap, love knocks you to the ground

It's May and romance is in the air!

More Paddle Slogans

Do you remember those novelty paddles they used to sell at tourist havens? Each paddle had a clever saying such as "Heat for the Seat" or "Frontier Tail Blazer." Even as I kid, I recall being fascinated by how these good folks had managed to make spankings fun.

About a year ago, I published a list of updated paddle slogans. Everyone had a good time selecting their favorites.

Recently, a friend wondered if perhaps there might be more of these paddlisms. As it turns out, there are indeed.

1. Sanity Restoration Device


2. Spruce for the Caboose


3. Royal Rump Roaster


4. Stress? What Stress?


5. Abandon Sitting, All Ye Who Bend Here


6. Firestarter


7. My Memory Enhancer


8. End of the Discussion


9. Spanko Aphrodesiac


10. Apply Reddening Agent as Necessary


11. Just Be Glad It's Not the Cane


12. What's a Few Swats Between Friends?


13. Cheaper Than Therapy


14. Love Hurts


15. The Best Answer


16. Why Not a Spanking?


17. Open Your Mind, Lower Your Panties


18. It's Supposed to Hurt!


19. Spank Early and Often


20. Old School Lessons Taught Here

As I said last year, I claim no royalties on any of these sayings. Should any implement entrepreneur desire to burn them into paddles, they may do so with my blessing.

Keywords: spanking, spanking paddles, spanking humor

Spanking Threat Levels

Click on the graphic for a larger version

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Apr 1

In honor of April Fool's Day, our brunch dealt with practical jokes, silliness, and the lighter side of spanking. Here are your thoughts.

Spankoe: I'm currently getting reacquainted with a former flame from a few years ago. For my April Fools joke on him, I confessed over Yahoo IM that I had found Jesus, and was no longer into spankings, tie downs, and all that heinous stuff. I had Jesus and didn't need it anymore.

Wow! There was no response for a minute. An incredulous, "You gave up your Celtic-Pagan beliefs?" came next. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't make him go through that any more. "April Fools," I typed. I could feel his relief from 500 miles away!

I think I may end up paying for my little joke soon though! I can hardly wait!

Anon VII: One April 1st, my dear little play partner approached me, dressed in her high platform shoes. With a contrived embarrassed expression, she looked up at me out of the tops of her big eyes, told me she'd been naughty (which, of course, was only role-playing), then pulled a wicked-looking paddle from behind her back, handed it to me, and promptly bent over with feet at shoulder width, hands on knees, back arched properly downward, and bum poked properly upward. As I lifted her skirt, she looked back at me with more than the usual gleam in her eye, so I knew something in addition to her little rump was up.

I positioned the weapon, patted it on her sit spots two or three times, then gave her a test pop like I always do with a new implement.

"Come on, get with it!" She exclaimed. "I'm so randy I can't stand it!"

I then drew back and let fly with a fast three-quarter swing from the shoulder and a quick wrist-snap. The crack of the paddle was followed instantly by the sound of splintering wood and the sound of a board hitting the hardwood floor. My right fist, which was clutching the grip of the paddle, continued sweeping across my body and became airborne off to my left, almost sweeping up and hitting the left side of my head. I suddenly realized that I was holding the grip and nothing more in my hand.

A giggle from her morphed into a peal of laughter. She had been to our local toy store and gotten me a gag gift in the form of a paddle with the back of the grip sawed almost all the way through with a paper-thin blade and the cut painted over. Guess who felt like a true April fool?

NaughtyLele: I was over my hubby's lap once while he was giving me an extended warm-up (the kind where it starts out not hard at all and slowly builds), when I got a little mischievous! So, of course, I decided to tie his shoelaces together. It seemed amusing at the time, except that he noticed before I could even finish. Then he got on with the "real" spanking. OW! And yes, I fully intend to try that again soon...hopefully with success this time!

I can't possibly be the only bottom to have tried this, right?

Allie: I think it would be fun to draw a silly face on my bottom, so when Alex pulled down my panties to spank, he couldn’t help but laugh at it!

Bonnie: Randy plays a lot of head games with me, like this one. Every so often, though, I try to reciprocate. Occasionally, these stunts work. For example, I once coated the smooth handle of a wooden hairbrush with a thin layer of KY jelly. When he lifted it into the air in preparation for a brisk spanking, it slipped from his grasp, sailed across the bedroom, and bounced against the wall with a resounding thud. I still got my spanking, and with interest, but I think I laughed the entire time.

Other times, my plans backfire (and my back end feels the fire!).

I hope your April Fool's Day was a goofy one! See you next week.

Keywords: spanking, spanking humor, My Bottom Smarts, spanko brunch

101 Highly Ineffective Spanking Excuses

Have you ever tried to get out of a well-deserved spanking? I have. It may come as a surprise to some readers, but spanko-obsessed as I may be, there are times when I am simply not in the mood.

So what do I do? Occasionally, I will try to employ my formidable powers of persuasion, like this:

I’m too tired	If my bottom swells, my new jeans won’t fit
My spanko panties are in the laundry	Ever wondered what birds think?
That paddle is a lethal weapon	You really don’t want to do this
Isn’t your TV show on tonight?	My period started today
Didn’t we just do this?	I’m allergic to flat wooden objects
I have very sensitive skin	It hurts!
Your aunt called	The car is making a strange noise
Do you need anything from the store?	Let’s not and say we did
I have to go to the bathroom	Look, it’s Spiderman!
I’ll definitely be in the mood tomorrow	I’ll make it worth your while…
I’m hungry, how about you?	It’s getting late
We still need to take out the garbage	Can you help me with my computer?
Let’s try something different	I know a fun game
Let me just make this one phone call	Did I tell you what happened today?
Tell me all about your day	Is that the Goodyear blimp?
But I don’t want a spanking	Can you make that funny sound again?
How about a backrub?	Let’s just go to sleep
My feet hurt	Never on a new moon
You’ll never believe what I read on the web	How are things at work?
I’m still sore from the last spanking	Does this color look good on me?
Just let me finish this chapter	Does my car have a spare tire?
I don’t really deserve this	Look at these pictures of the baby
I’m craving ice cream	I need to go to the doctor next week
I have a headache	Pizza?
May I unzip you?	How about if I finish up this e-mail?
It sure looks like rain	We could build a fire in the fireplace
How about if I beg?	My horoscope advises against this
Have you called your sister lately?	Let’s go see a movie
Oh, your shoulders must be sore	Can you fix this dripping faucet?
Let’s get another pet	Have you any money?
Let me show you my new skirt	Where did you go for lunch?
Wait until you read my latest post	I have to sit on a hard bench all day tomorrow
I smell smoke	What’s your name again?
I’m thinking about getting my hair cut	Chocolate?
C’mon, let’s dance!	Aren’t you tired of all this spanking?
I love a leisurely drive in the country	What’s the name of that polishing tool?
Baboons can weigh up to 40 kg	Let’s change that bulb in the garage
I just stepped in something	Does my face look symmetrical?
Let’s just have a quiet evening	Have you seen my masterpeice?
Let’s plant tomatoes this year	Oh, no, not that paddle
Will you scratch my back?	I think I’m stuck to this chair
It’s a lovely night for a walk	My spanko mojo just isn’t working
Didn’t you want to make love?	Let’s take a shower instead
Please don’t make me cry	What do you want for your birthday?
I’m entitled to a trial of my peers	Can’t you see I’m cleaning the fridge?
I thought you were watching a game	I can’t change at the gym with marks
That’s my cell phone	What will the neighbors think?
What say we just skip the whole thing?	I think there’s someone outside
The karma’s all wrong	Do you think this house is haunted?
I need some new shoes	May I lick that?
Have you seen Kitty?

These methods simply don't work, at least not with my husband Randy. So why did I waste my time and your eyes publishing this elaborate list? I did it in hopes that you won't waste your time and your partner's patience attempting to use any of these painfully ineffective lines. Take my word. Forget the distractions and diversions. Just bend over and take your medicine. It's a whole lot easier for everyone concerned.

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Feb 18

Today's brunch was all fun and games. Here are the highlights:

OPB: I often find myself laughing when I read a spanking story because of the absurdness of what is happening. This is obviously not what the writers intend, but sometimes their premises require more than the usual suspension of disbelief, and when a tipping point is reached in unlikelihood I find them funny. I can't help it. Then I can't take the spanking element of the story seriously. Still, they're intended for amusement are they not?

Mary: I get spanked for fun, for foreplay and for discipline, and in all cases I have gotten a case of the giggles at least once. When I got the giggles during discipline it may have been triggered by the embarrassment I felt at my actions and about going over his knee. Well, I can tell you that I regretted the giggles then. He went right past the warm up and laid into my bottom until it really wasn't funny any more.

However, the giggles are more kindly tolerated when the spanking is for fun. We role play sometimes and then I really brat back and act coy and smart, and I really have fun. Like so many of us, I really did strive as a youngster to be a "good girl." These role play times give me the freedom to really behave badly. Although he remains in character, I sometimes crack myself up and end up giggling. He spanks right through it and comments ever so seriously, "So you think this is funny, young lady?" Other times, he sends me to the corner until I can "see the seriousness of my situation." But I can’t help but giggle. Part of the giggles at these times is the absurdness. But I think most of it is because I am happy that we are playing together and this happiness brings out the joy and silliness of life until it bubbles forth with a serious case of the giggles.

When spanking is just part of foreplay and sex, well, who hasn't had those moments of realizing that sex is also quite funny at times, in a happy, silly, delightfully simple way.

Kelly: Oh, oh, oh, oh, I can actually contribute! YAY! Once when being spanked, the person started rubbing my butt in between swats, and it tickled! He thought it was the strangest and funniest thing he had ever seen, so he started tickling my butt! Who in the world has a ticklish butt? Me apparently...

Mija: Ooo! Good Question Bonnie! :) Pablo and I wrote up our funniest spanking moment after it happened. Highlighted text is his.

Sometime after the hustle and flow of Christmas 2003, Pablo and I wanted a quiet day. He suggested going out for food (always a Good Thing and much more fun than cooking) and then going down to the ocean and looking for beach glass (something I really love doing!). I thought these were great ideas.

The only catch (if one considers it such) was that I needed to wear my black pleated uniform skirt, white shirt, green v-neck sweater and green knee socks. There wasn't a tie, but he had brought it with him in case he needed it. He was wearing a tee-shirt, but British people sometimes have odd fashion sense (like tennis shoes with colored socks!).

Now, I'd gotten a very kewl orange squirt gun for Christmas (Santa knowing what a good girl I can be!) and I brought it, with Pablo's blessing, to keep us safe from the seagulls who otherwise can really scare me.

This was the rule for that day. Squirting seagulls: okay. Squirting me: not okay. Squirting other people: depends on whether they deserve it or not.

It was quiet and I didn't need to scare any of them. There also weren't very many people and I was glad of that because there weren't very many people to stare at my bare feet and (otherwise) strict uniform.

It was starting to get dark by the time we arrived at the beach. This meant that we got the beach almost to ourselves, and caught a really nice Pacific sunset, but it also meant that the sand was quite cold, and that we couldn't stay too long.

Anyway, we went down near the water and walked until just past sunset. By then the already quiet beach was getting very cool and almost everyone had gone home. We went back to the car and put on our shoes. Or Pablo did anyway. I was de-sanding my feet before I put the socks back on when suddenly my squirt gun shot the small of Pablo's back.

The target for this, I believe, was a small patch of bare skin between the bottom of my tee-shirt and the top of my jeans, which presented itself as I bent over to lace up my shoes. (It's a place where I have a little hairy patch - Mija says it's where I used to have a tail that was cruelly removed at some point in infancy.) It was, apparently, irresistible.

Um, just so you know, I expected to get in trouble for this. But being scolded or maybe swatted at home seemed worth it -- the small of his back was a nice target to make damp. So I wasn't surprised when Pablo called me over to his side of the car and scolded me. I tried to sound sorry, but must not have sounded quite sorry enough.

At this point, I took a while to be sure that we were alone - at least that no-one was close enough to us to see or hear very much. Granted, rush-hour cars were streaming along the Pacific Coast Highway in both directions about 50 yards away, but it was dark and the car was facing away from the road.

In order to make some sort of point, Pablo walked with me (by the ear? Not sure!) to my side of the car, and sat down. I couldn't believe he would spank me here in a parking lot at the edge of Malibu.

I can't believe that she couldn't believe it. I've spanked Mija in places no less public, and far better lit than this.

Just as I was about to explain why he couldn't do that, he took my hands and pulled me over his knees. This meant my face was very close to the gear shift.

I was hardly breathing, I soooo couldn't believe what was happening. I imagined being "saved" by a lifeguard and thought of how embarrassing it would be to explain why Pab was spanking me. But then he pulled up my pleated skirt -- the air was really cold on my legs -- and Pab began whacking the seat of my knickers really hard (and loud) and fast.

This was never going to be a long spanking. Just something stinging and embarrassing to remember as we drove home. So, it needed to be hard and fast, and it was. The cold probably made it sting more, too.

I kicked, but it was totally impossible to get away. I whimpered and whined and complained it was public here until the whacks hurt way too much for me to say anything but "sorry" and "I really really promise to be good". Sadly, this wasn't the first -- or last -- spanking of the day.

It seemed to take forever because it was hard, but was really over pretty quickly I think. Pablo stopped and I got up quick, scowling at him and rubbing my bottom under my skirt as he got out. Then I turned around, planning to lean against the car (cool metal, warm bottom) and pout until he said he was sorry.

That was when I saw them. A whole entire family of like 6 people plus dog walking toward the car. I leapt into my seat, killed the overhead light and hid under the dashboard. They passed and got in the only other car parked in the lot.

I'm probably a very bad person, because I was convulsed with giggling at this point. I've no idea where they'd appeared from - there'd been no-one at all in that direction when I'd started, and the spanking hadn't taken more than about 30 seconds. Still, here they were - at least three generations, including (it seemed) grandmother and teenage son (walking dog) - about 20 yards away, walking right towards us along the path, in the direction of the passenger seat, where we were sitting and/or draped OTK. I watched them pass, trying to keep a straight face. They must have seen pretty much everything. But not one of them so much as made eye contact with me. I watched them walk to their car, then got in ours beside Mija.

I was in tears already, and my embarrassment must have turned me purple.

Still a very bad person, I reassured Mija while trying to keep from giggling. They wouldn't recognize you if you were standing right in front of them, I said. This didn't seem to help. They didn't even see your face, I said. Just your bottom. Strangely, this didn't seem to help either.

But even then, Pablo didn't apologize. {{scowls}} Isn't he mean?

Maybe I'd have felt bad if I'd wanted them to see, or hadn't tried to be sure that no-one was around, but neither of those was the case. To Mija's groans of dismay, our car drew alongside theirs as we left the car park and began to drive back to LA. I wondered aloud what they were finding to talk about. Looking across, not one of them looked back. I drove us home.

Eva: I've got a few and they all involve the crop. There was the time the crop poked through the plastic bag as we walked through a hotel lobby thinking it was well concealed. Then there was the time the little flappy thing kept flying off the end while Adam was spanking me. And then after he super glued it there was the time he spanked me with it in the kitchen and then quite pleased that his glue job held he started twirling it like he was a freakin' drum major or something. Yes indeed, the crop has brought us lots of smiles. Dang thing actually stings too. LOL GREAT question Bonnie. You brought back some warm summer time memories for me!!

Elis: Nick started a spanking one time by telling me to pay attention. Did he think I was going to be thinking of something else at the time? I was trying to decide what he was using but no, he had wanted me to pay attention to the pattern and number of spanks with each item. It ended up with him wanting me to do the math in my head while he was still spanking and he kept telling the answer was easy and to hurry! I was laughing so hard I could barely count much less do real math! When I finally got the answer out between giggles I got a few more swats for not taking the spanking seriously enough! It was a fun afternoon!

Bonnie: Most readers of this blog are aware that Randy and I love a good laugh. I’ve written numerous posts about such occasions. When something silly happens in the middle of a spanking, it usually escalates into a full blown giggle-fest. At those moments, my emotions are completely exposed, so it’s very easy for me to jump right into the hilarity.

My favorite laughs come when my bottom proves to be tougher than the implement that Randy selected to beat it. I can’t help cheering and giggling. This hasn’t happened often, but it’s always cause for celebration.

Randy’s favorite style of humor involves faux seriousness. He’ll act like some kind of grim spanko executioner. He talks in a deadpan clinical way about the severe spanking he’s about to deliver. At first, he’ll hook me in and cause me to begin to worry. Eventually, though, his presentation will go so far over the top that I know he’s just fooling. I still get spanked, of course, but it’s a much happier event.

Thank you to everyone who helped explain the lighter side of spanking. You're all invited back here next week for another MBS spanko brunch!

Keywords: spanking, spanking humor, My Bottom Smarts, spanko brunch

Top Ten: Why I Hate an Unbalanced Spanking

Have you ever received a spanking that was unbalanced? By that, I mean one where one unfortunate cheek takes the bulk of the punishment? I really dislike that!

Here's why:

1. Who wants half a spanking?


2. Striking one spot over and over is simply not fair


3. Heaven gave me two cheeks, and now I give them both to you. Please use them appropriately!


4. Captain, we're listing to starboard!


5. It violates Nature's symmetry


6. Look, how often do I ask you to keep spanking?


7. Have you never heard of equal play for equal quirk?


8. Life is about balance in all things


9. Repeating the same motion over and over makes the spanker susceptible to repetitive stress injuries


10. It messes up my wiggle

So, all you spankers out there, I'm not asking you to ease up. Just even up, OK?

Top Ten: Alternative Uses for a Wooden Paddle

I recall a time years ago when Randy fashioned a wooden paddle. I was delighted to own an implement that was wholly intended for spanking. It had no other possible purpose. ...Or so I thought.

Since then, I have learned that wooden paddles are far more versatile than I realized. They can in fact be employed in quite a few different ways (besides making someone's posterior blush). Here, for your reading pleasure is my top ten list of lesser known uses for a wooden paddle.

Shim for an uneven table leg Bookshelf Bonfire fuel Weathervane Serving tray Decorative wall hanging Cement smoother Miniature catapult Doorstop Diving board for small dogs

Paddles: They're not just for spankings anymore!

Keywords: spanking, spanking humor

Song Parody: Like a Brat Over Piled Pillows

For today's entertainment, we will corrupt a genuine pop classic. Most of us quadragenarians recall a Simon and Garfunkel song named Bridge Over Troubled Water. It was a wonderful song, both musically and in terms of its supportive message. It still is. However, the reverence we feel for the tune and the artists who created it is not sufficient to prevent the MBS Swing Ensemble from taking a whack at a special spanko rendition. Ready? OK, everybody sing...

Like a Brat Over Piled Pillows

When I'm weary, feeling small When tears are in my eyes I will cry them all You'll tan my hide When times get rough And lotion can't be found Like a brat over piled pillows I will lay me down Like a brat over piled pillows I will lay me down When I'm on all fours When I'm on the bed When paddles fall so hard You will punish me I'll take your swats When spankings come And pain is all around Like a brat over piled pillows I will lay me down Like a brat over piled pillows I will lay me down Wail on lover man Wail on me My time has come to glow All my dreams are O-T-K See how they show O'er your lap I'll bend I'm smarting right behind Like a brat over piled pillows You will roast my hide Like a brat over piled pillows You will roast my hide

Keywords: spanking, spanking song, spanking humor

Welcome to Whaxton College

Whaxton College is an exclusive multi-disciplinary coeducational private college nestled in the beautiful Shenandoah Mountains. Parents favor Whaxton for its small classes, personal attention, and strict discipline. Students prefer Whaxton for its broad ranging extracurricular activities, vibrant arts scene, and sports programs.

"I'm so glad I chose Whaxton. The cricket team was all I had hoped it would be. Next season, we're going to learn to hit a ball with our bats!" -Sandy (class of 2010)

The faculty at Whaxton arrives in the classroom with a magnificent blend of distinguished academic credentials and real world experience. With endowed chairs in percussive massage, disciplinary arts, corporal correction, and spanking science, some of America's finest minds and strongest arms are right here.

"After teaching at larger universities, it has been a genuine pleasure to work in close contact with the Whaxton student body." -Percival (associate professor of implement engineering)

The Whaxton educational experience is enhanced by the presence of world renowned researchers, artists, poets, and composers. In an event covered by national and global media outlets, 2006 saw the world debut of "Afterburn," the stunning new musical tragicomedy by two time Tony Award winner and adjunct faculty member Ethel Heiny. It tells the story of a middle-aged wife learning to love her inner spanko.

"The techniques demonstrated in my advanced bondage class were absolutely cutting edge." - Evelyn (class of 2007)

Beginning November 1, enrollment is open for the Whaxton class of 2011. Prospective students with a record of academic excellence, community involvement, and strong disciplinary achievement are invited to submit applications for admission. Candidates who are provisionally accepted will be asked to attend a private audition on campus during the last two weeks of January. Final acceptance letters will be mailed in April.

"Everyone is just so friendly here. All over campus I see people bending over to help others. It's a one of a kind learning environment." -Trish (class of 2009)

When it's time to select a seat of higher learning, why not choose Whaxton?

"Here at Whaxton, the sting's the thing!" -Rudy (class of 2008)

Earning our stripes since 1966 Whaxton College Admissions Office 121 College Hall 3100 Leather Dr Slappassony, VA 22608

Keywords: spanking, spanking humor

Chimp Change

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an article about classifying spankers using animals. I thought it was a lot of fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it. After Randy read the post, he asked me which spanker animal I thought he was.

“Why, the chimp, of course,” I said. I was kidding. Like most effective spankers, he can be many of those animals depending upon the situation. However, I especially appreciate Randy’s silly side. He makes me laugh and we laugh often.

“The chimp?” he said incredulously. “Is that what you think of me?”

“Yeah, you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys.” I smiled nervously.

He scowled. “Well, we’ll see about that.” He turned and walked down the steps into the basement.

I wasn’t sure how to read his response. He could be genuinely upset that I called him a chimp. He could be mildly annoyed. He could be secretly delighted by the prospect. I was certain that I would find out, but I had no idea how or when.

On Friday evening, I received my answers, and a whole lot more. As usual, I returned from work before my husband. I had been in the door for only a few minutes when the telephone rang. Somehow, I intuitively knew it was him. Before he even said a word, I guessed he was about to tell me that spanking night had arrived. My spanko instincts were absolutely correct. Randy informed me that he would be home in a little over one hour. He gave me explicit instructions:

When he arrives, I should be in the bedroom I should be freshly showered and totally nude I should pile all of our pillows in the center of our bed I should arrange myself face down over the pillows I should be prepared to accept a long, hard spanking

This sounded serious indeed. I set about preparing for what now seemed inevitable.

I was ready and in position when the door opened. “Hi, Honey,” my lover called up the stairs. His voice sounded cheerful. I responded in kind as I rearranged myself for his visual pleasure. I could hear Randy rummaging about downstairs. It was probably not more than five minutes before he came up, but it seemed like thirty.

“Well, now there’s an inviting sight. You’re a good girl. You followed my instructions perfectly.” I momentarily considered informing him that the directions were neither difficult nor complicated, but decided not to ruin the moment.

His expert fingertips glided across the flesh of my upper thighs. I cooed as my man gently massaged my skin. His fingers ran lightly along the surface of my two buttocks as his thumbs spread them apart. Round and round his butterfly motions flew, from cheek to hip to thigh. More than a tickle, yet less than a rub, this tactile dance lit the flames of my passion.

By the time he began lightly slapping my bottom with both hands, I was panting with desire. The man knows the path to my deepest longings. I was now fully prepared for anything he wanted to do.

Or so I believed.

“So you think I spank like a chimp, huh?” I had frankly hoped not to revisit that particular line, especially not at this moment. His tone had a faux gruffness that led me to believe he was playing. “Tonight, you’re going to learn a little more about this chimpanzee.”

I just wanted my spanking and lovemaking and all of the touching and all the other good things that can happen between loving partners on a Friday evening.

“Get ready,” he warned me. I couldn’t imagine what he had up his sleeve at this point. Besides, I was face down atop a huge pile of pillows in the center of the bed. How much more ready could I possibly be?

“There! Take that!” he bellowed. I felt nothing. “And again!” Now I was confused.

“Feel the wrath of the dreaded dental floss flogger!”

I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was just so ridiculous. Randy was laughing too, even as he struggled to stick to his script.

“Laughing? I’ll teach you to laugh! It’s the pillow paddle for you, young lady!”

I was positively giggling at this point. The pillow was every bit as ineffective as his goofy flogger.

“All right. That does it. You’ve left me no choice.” With that pronouncement, he walked away. Sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, he started making what sounded like a twanging sound. “What is he doing?” I wondered to myself.

When I saw a rubber band fly over my head, I knew. I got up and faced him just in time for an airborne rubber band to bounce off my left breast.

“Hey! You really are a chimp!”

“Oook! Oook!” Randy was now bouncing up and down with his hands scratching his armpits.

We both fell on the bed doubled up with laughter.

- - - - - - - - -
Eventually, we decided that it would be a shame to waste that carefully constructed mountain of pillows, not to mention my nakedness. I returned to my exposed position and awaited all that came next. I hoped he might again entice me so skillfully with his fingers, but he had other fingers in mind.

Thwap! I immediately recognized the impact of our soft leather flogger. Unlike the idiotic chimp-style dental floss flogger, this one captured my attention right away. It is an implement that is ideally suited for erotic play. When applied repeatedly, it raises a deliciously warm sting.

After several minutes of this splendid chastisement, I was hot in every way. My bottom was hurting, but in such a sweet fashion. It was as if every nerve ending was active and firing in unison. My breath was short and fast. In double time rhythm, my heart thumped within my chest. I felt flushed at both ends.

He sensed my readiness and forcefully flipped me over. Now with legs splayed and my back against the mountain, I was well situated for Randy's next phase. In an instant, he was upon me and our coital joining had begun. He held my thighs as he pumped in and out. Aroused as I was, I quickly drifted into an orgasmic haze. In time, I felt my dear husband release his love deep within me. I reached out and hugged him for all I was worth. Moments like these bind us as nothing else can.

A little while later, we decided to clear off the bed and snuggle beneath the covers. I love that kind of physical closeness after a session. It reinforces my feelings of comfort, commitment, and submission.

As I rolled over though, I sensed the presence of something that would dramatically change the mood. The discomfort in my side, upon closer examination, was caused by a wayward rubber band! The wild chimp strikes again! I started laughing all over again as I attempted to flip Randy with it. Snapping led to wrestling, and wrestling led to another spanking for me. This time, he employed a small wooden paddle. Ow!

I must now state definitively that I was wrong. Chimp spankings do hurt. I take it back.

But the laughs are worth it!

Keywords: spanking, flogger, spanking story, Bonnie, paddled, spanking humor