World Spanking Championship

Voiceover: From all over the world, competitors and fans alike have converged upon Baltimore, Maryland for the fourteenth annual World Spanking Championship. For SNN’s exclusive coverage, we go now to our own Neville Shocker.

Neville: Good evening, spanking fans. I’m here with our expert commentator, Susan Wacker, to bring you tonight’s finals competition. This match promises lots of excitement. Right, Susan?

Susan: It does indeed, Neville. These are the two pairs about whom everyone has been talking since this tournament began. Browning and Basham, the British couple, are of course three time defending champs. They are confident, and with good reason. None of their four previous matches were even competitive. At this point, we still have only a vague idea what special techniques the always innovative Ian Basham prepared for this year.

Neville: However, their American foes bring to the couch a new vigor and several moves not seen before in competition. Isn’t that right?

Susan: It’s true, Neville. Despite their comparative youth, Wills and Santaigo are veteran spankos. Jennifer Wills, in particular, can gracefully absorb blows that would halt many a lesser competitor. These two bring a unique flair, and some might even say a swagger, to the proceedings. I think it’s going to be a tremendous match for the trophy.

Neville: The competitors are ready to take the stage. Let’s go now to the arena announcer.

Announcer (a plump, bald man standing at center stage, holding a microphone, and wearing an ill-fitting tux): Welcome to everyone here in Baltimore’s First Mariner Arena and to the millions more joining us on the Spanking News Network. This is the final match of the World Spanking Championship. It will soon be time to crown our victors. Let’s bring out first our challengers. Here are Jennifer Wills and Edward Santiago!

The “Theme from Rocky” blares as Ed and Jennifer sprint on stage. They are both wearing glistening red and blue body suits of the sort more commonly worn by speed skaters. They join hands in the middle of the stage and bow in unison to the cheering home crowd. They look young, tan, and athletic.

Neville: The Americans certainly appear ready for action.

Susan: They do indeed, but this match promises to be their toughest test.

Announcer: Now, it’s my pleasure to introduce the three time defending world champions. From the United Kingdom, here are Kate Browning and Ian Basham!

Amid the gentle beat of the Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me,” Kate and Ian enter from opposite sides of the stage. Ian is wearing a long black professor’s robe and mortar board. Kate wears a too short pleated plaid skirt, a white button-up blouse, and knee socks. They meet at center stage and execute an exaggerated stage kiss. As they each bend forward, Kate’s white knickers are clearly visible.

Neville: That was a bold entrance that could only have been pulled off by these theatrically-minded champions.

Susan: Yes, no one else shows us the panache of Browning and Basham.

Announcer: Contestants, take your places.

The two couples move to their respective couches set up on either side of the center podium. After the men sit in the center of the couch, their partners drape themselves over their laps. The spankers then line up a series of spanking implements along the arms of each couch.

Neville: True to form, Santiago favors the wooden paddles. Meanwhile, Basham has a wider variety of implements including a leather tawse, a riding crop, and a hairbrush.

Susan: I have to question that strategy on the part of the United States team. I can tell you from experience that after several minutes of spanking with those heavy wooden paddles, Jennifer is going to get winded. I’ve always thought it’s better to mix things up more.

Neville: We mentioned at the outset that Browning and Basham have yet to be tested in this tournament. At the same time, Wills and Santiago escaped a very tough match against the strong Venezuelan team when Tina Lopez suffered an unfortunate cut. By the way, the medical team reports that she will be just fine as long as she stays off her bottom for a couple of days.

Announcer: We will have two four minute rounds, separated by a five minute intermission. Please commence on my mark. …Go!

Susan: Ian begins with the tawse. He’s employing a brisk whipping motion to maximize the number of blows delivered. The left-hander, Santiago, is employing a slower but harder strategy with the Cracker Barrel paddle. I have to suspect that the judges will favor the Brit’s rapid fire approach, but we’ve been surprised before.

Neville: Wills is visibly grimacing. That could mean trouble for the American team.

Susan: I don’t think so. This is an experienced pair. Jennifer is known to be demonstrative. In fact, just listen to her vocalizations. Kate is quite stoic by comparison.

Neville: Both teams are really hitting hard now. That simply has to hurt.

Susan: I can assure you that it hurts immensely, but these women are proud competitors. After coming this far, there’s no way a sore bottom is going to come between them and the coveted trophy.

Announcer: Stop! We’ve reached the intermission.

Neville: Wow. The action on both sides was as intense as any we’ve seen in this tournament.

Susan: No question, Neville. We are watching the best of the best. The real test will be whether they can continue this torrid pace in the second half.

Neville: Would it right to assume that Browning and Basham have the advantage at this stage?

Susan: Absolutely. Basham’s blows were crisper and more numerous. While Santiago hits hard, he can’t keep up in terms of spank count.

Announcer: Contestants, please ready yourselves to resume spanking on my signal. …Begin!

Neville: Basham has picked up the crop and he is flicking it in rapid fire fashion against Kate’s now exposed posterior. Santiago has switched to a smaller hairbrush-style paddle. He’s getting full arm extension as he rains swats on Jennifer’s bottom. Susan, will Browning and Basham gain points from the judges by baring skin as he just did?

Susan: Definitely. As attractive as Wills is in her tight fitting body suit, it simply isn’t practical to go for a bare bottomed spanking. It’s certainly a competitive disadvan…

Neville (interrupting): Wait, look at that! This is the first genuine surprise of the match. Santiago has opened what appears to be a drop seat in his partner’s costume.

Susan: Brilliant! We had no idea they were going to do that. Ed is now whacking away at Jennifer’s bare seat with a renewed ferocity.

Neville: Wills is looking very, very red. The tone of her cries is becoming more strained. Can she last the final minute and thirty seconds?

Susan: That remains to be seen. Meanwhile, Kate and Ian are now employing a leather paddle for their finale. Ian is in fine, fine form and, other than the occasional wince, Kate is showing no signs of fatigue.

Neville: We’re now down to the final seconds and both teams are frantically working to get in the last few spanks.

Announcer: Stop! That’s it. Were all finished.

Neville: And so it ends. It was a wonderful match by any measure. My hat is off to both of these teams for their heart and their drive. It’s a shame that only one couple can leave here with the trophy.

Susan: You’re right, Neville. I’d sure hate to take that kind of a spanking and have to come away empty-handed. Regardless of the outcome, both teams deserve our praise.

Announcer: May I have your attention please! We have the judge’s decision. By a unanimous count, the winners and STILL world spanking champions are Ian Basham and Kate Browning!

Neville: So there we have it. The UK emerges victorious again.

Susan: A fine strategy, expert choreography, and strong execution carry the day for Browning and Basham. They were never behind at any time in this competition. It was a wire-to-wire win.

Neville: Susan, why do you suppose the British are so dominant in this competition?

Susan: Spanking is simply a part of the culture over there. Those who don't play football, rugby, or cricket naturally gravitate toward spanking.

Neville: Let’s see if we can get a word with the champions… Kate? Ian? Over here… Please? Yes. Ian, were you concerned when Santiago executed the drop seat maneuver?

Ian: No, not really. We just wanted to come out and spank bum. Kate and I thought if we did that, everything else would take care of itself.

Neville: And so it did. Kate, how are you feeling?

Kate (smiling): Well, I can’t sit down, but other than that, it feels wonderful.

Susan: Congratulations to you both. This makes four in a row. Have you given any thought to retirement?

Ian: I dunno. Ask me in few months. What about you dear?

Kate: Right about now, retiring to my garden sounds lovely.

Neville: So that wraps it up from Baltimore. For Susan Wacker, I’m Neville Shocker for the Spanking News Network.

Voiceover: This is SNN…

Keywords: spanking, spanking news, world spanking championship, spanking humor