Thursday, August 30, 2007

Introducing the Anti-Pervertables

I think most readers have heard of pervertables. These are common everyday objects that can be easily adapted for kinky purposes. Leather belts and wooden hairbrushes are two obvious examples. To the vanilla observer, they are utterly mundane and unremarkable. To a spanko, however, these are immediately recognizable as effective and useful implements.

Pervertables are great on vacation, especially if air travel is involved. I don’t know about you, but I cringe at the thought of those socially challenged government contractors running their rubber glove-covered fingers all over our naughty playthings. I harbor a secret fear that I will be someday be pulled from the line and forced to explain the purpose of a certain battery powered marital aid and demonstrate how it operates. Ack!

As I was standing in the shower this morning (a place of great inspiration), it occurred to me that if we can have pervertables, why not anti-pervertables? We can start with a spanking implement whose only purpose in the world is to redden the flesh of someone’s bottom. We can then transform it into an anti-pervertable by concocting a plausible cover story and an alternative usage. If we can explain its presence in plain language, we might not even have to conceal our toys. Let’s give this a try…

ImplementCover Story
  • It's for taking pizzas from the oven
  • Transfers pottery to and from the kiln
  • It's a fan for hot days
  • I seem to have lost that little rubber ball
  • Wait, I know, it's a cutting board
  • The holes let the bread breathe
  • We're saving for a light sabre
  • It's tough to start a fire without kindling
  • Look, I'm Zorro!
  • It's an antique ramrod
  • I'm practicing to be a majorette
  • Look what blew down during the storm
  • Watch me zap that fly!
  • It's a rare colonial-era bungee
  • It was my weird grandfather's money belt
  • Like the red carpet for hamsters
  • Why, this is nature's weatherstripping
  • What handle?
  • A horse? Yeah, that's the ticket
  • En garde!
  • It adds character to plaster and stucco
  • Haven't you heard of crop circles?
  • I'm conducting an invisible symphony
  • He's the new spokesperson for Jockey
  • We're going to be pirates this Halloween
  • It's a pantomime horse tail
  • Gives everything the smell of leather
  • It's great for distressing antiques
  • These are very popular in Illinois
  • Can't you see? It's art!

When all other excuses fail, you can always claim that it is indeed a spanking implement, but (a) it's just a gag gift, (b) it's an integral part of our 1880s schoolroom motif, (c) it just looked right in that spot, (d) it's a keepsake from my sorority days, or (e) I saw it at a garage sale and didn't know what it was until this very moment.

If our story is sufficiently compelling, we might be able to hide our spanking toys in plain sight!

Then again, perhaps not…


LynLass said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

Purple Angel said...

This is terrific Bonnie. On one of the groups I belong to there was a long discussion of how to get implements where you were going when flying. One couple said they never take them on the plane, they fedex them to their destination and when ready to go home, fedex them back. I love the idea of coming up with alternative explanations. Actually my little lexan cane is part of a cat toy so that one is legit but I doubt anyone would believe me.
Purple Angel

Anonymous said...

Paddle with holes -- spaghetti strainer! :-) -- Erica

Anonymous said...

I have a cane in the bedroom wardrobe which I tell everyone is for "fishing things out from behind radiators". As my children do keep me supplied with things to fish out this excuse holds some water.

I think my wife ( who knows I self administer) may suspect otherwise.


Our Bottoms Burn said...

Before 9/11, we took our crop on a plane ride. It is real crop, not a fetish one. I got great delight from swishing it in the terminal. And yes, we did get some on topic comments about it.

hermione said...

The topic of travelling with toys has come up on several blogs this week. What a creative and original take on the subject!
Crop circles! Love it! And I will never look at my pizza peel in the same way again!

Paul said...

Bonnie, original and very funny, thank you.
Warm hugs,


Nice post very origional.

Cane - Its for my Charley Chaplin impression.


chinatown said...

my wife and I have a large paddle hanging in our living room. Whenever parents, our vanilla friends etc come over we tell them it's a ceremonial oar we got at a native american casino. My wife has to keep from laughing whenever I use this excuse.

Bonnie said...

LynLass - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Purple - We've never shipped toys in advance, but it's been discussed. I've come to the conclusion that until things change, we'll have to be content with our pervertables.

Erica - Aha! We could disguise them as regular pervertables. I hadn't thought of that. I hope you're having a wonderful time in Las Vegas!

OPB - That's a good excuse, or at least good enough. BTW, how do you self-spank with a cane? I'm having a hard time imagining that being very effective.

OBB - Hi! Welcome to MBS. I've been reading your blog and you seem to be off to a good start. I hope you will reconsider the prohibition of comments. It's that interaction that makes us a community. In any case, best wishes with your new blog.

Yep, waving a crop in the airport would definitely draw some eyes. There just aren't too many horses there. Had I witnessed that display, I might have asked Randy why we didn't bring our crop!

Hermione - Thanks!

Paul - Your most welcome!

Prefectdt - Good one!

China - I love it! Thanks.

Anonymous said...

A cover story for a paddle with holes in it is used as a fly swatter.

Jay Byers said...

If you get the right type of cane, you can easily leave it in the garden and claim that it's going to be used to support the plants when they grow too tall. It wouldn't work if you didn't HAVE plants, though...come back to me on this.

Anonymous said...

My favourites were 'It's a colonial
era bungee' (hey, I'm a history buff) and 'Can't you see it's art?'. Well, no lie there.

Bonnie, I have an idea for a future
brunch discussion topic: have you
ever almost been caught?

I have a query; I would like to buy one of those Shadow Lane DVDs
but are there any R rated ones
without horrible porny crapola
in it? Or 'acting' that would
embarrass fifth-graders? I don't
expect Dame Judi Dench, but
seriously, this,"Eek, professor,
what are you going to do with that
big paddle?" stuff is laughable.


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