A Brief Introduction to Recreational Spanking

Back in September of 2007, my friend Debbie invited me to write this guest post for the readers of her vanilla blog. I think this may have been the only time when I discussed my kink in such a setting. This article has not previously appeared here.

My name is Bonnie and for the past two years, I have published a blog named My Bottom Smarts. It deals with adult spanking. Yes, you read that correctly. My husband and I are into spanking. Thanks to Debbie’s generosity, it’s my privilege to offer you a peek into this world.

For my entire adult life, I’ve been keenly aware of my status as a fudge ripple gal in a plain vanilla world. I don’t aspire to convert anyone, and I’m certainly not going to abandon my kink, but a little bit of understanding might be wonderful.

Here are ten thoughts I would like to share with open-minded folks.

1. Even if you think spanking enthusiasts are weird, please recognize this is just one aspect of our lives. In every other respect, we live like everyone else. We raise children. We have jobs. We pay taxes. We go to the grocery store. We love our families. We complain about gasoline prices.


2. We are not dangerous to anyone. Everything we do is with full consent and we are very careful so as to ensure no one is injured. Spanking is a much safer pastime than, say, motorcycling or rock climbing.


3. We have zero interest in involving children or any non-consenting person. Those kinds of illegal behavior are every bit as reprehensible to us as they are to you.


4. We are not all trying to compensate for or re-live a troubled childhood. I know lots of spanking enthusiasts and this stereotype simply doesn’t hold up.


5. Spanking within the context of a loving relationship is the diametric opposite of spousal abuse. While an abuser tries to suppress his partner’s will by force, a loving spanker seeks to fulfill his partner’s fantasies with her full participation.


6. We genuinely love one another and spanking is one of many ways we demonstrate our love and commitment. For us, spanking is another flavor of lovemaking.


7. Yes, it really does hurt. But, as odd as this may sound, the pain is a secondary consideration. What we treasure more are feelings of connectedness, peace, and openness that follow.


8. It’s not an exclusive club. Anyone can be a spanking enthusiast. In my experience, this community is remarkably helpful, caring, and inclusive. Newbies are definitely welcome.


9. Yes, as a matter of fact, sometimes we think it’s funny too. We’ll be the first to admit there is something slightly comical about a grandmother eagerly bending over to be spanked across her husband’s lap. Our kink needn’t be somber and disciplinary. Honestly, who wants that all of the time? We definitely laugh well and often.


10. There is a whole continuum of spanking enthusiasts. For some couples, spankings are playful fun. Others focus primarily upon the disciplinary aspects. Most of us fall somewhere in between. Even otherwise conventional lovers occasionally enjoy a few well-placed swats during sex. This too qualifies as adult spanking. The point is that there is no single formula. The couples who are happiest are typically those who tailor their lifestyle to their own tastes, preferences, and desires.

Understanding is the first step toward acceptance. Let this be a first step toward understanding. Spanking enthusiasts are friends, neighbors, and relatives. We’re not strange or scary. We’re merely normal, happy people striving to enjoy rewarding lives and relationships.

Spanking 101: A Basic Spanko Glossary

I think it’s time for a tutorial, but I want to try something a little different. Here is a very basic spanking glossary.

---

Aftercare - As the name suggests, aftercare is a process where a spanker and spankee re-establish positive physical contact immediately following a spanking. Aftercare can be as simple as a hug, but it can also be considerably more involved. The purpose is to smooth the spankee’s transition from harsh pain to loving support.

Bottom - One of many words used to describe the part of the anatomy upon which the blows of a spanking are generally inflicted. This term is also sometimes used to refer to a person who accepts a spanking.

Consent - Consent is the essential prerequisite to any spanking. It may be explicit (“Yes, you may spank me”) or implicit (such as a pre-arranged understanding). But without consent, spanking becomes an unwanted and illegal physical attack.

Corner Time - A popular ritual, commonly associated with punishment, where the spankee is required to stand facing a corner before, during a break from, or after a spanking session. The purpose is generally to encourage reflection about misdeeds. It may also trigger feelings of remorse or embarrassment. During corner time, the spankee’s bottom is typically bare and on full display.

Crying - Many spankees respond to the pain and/or the physical release of a spanking through tears. Crying is often cathartic and can help to break down emotional barriers. As with many aspects of spanking, the crying response varies greatly by individual. Some spankees seldom, if ever, cry during a spanking. Others cry only afterward. Some almost always cry when they are spanked. All of these are normal reactions.

Discipline Spanking - This term refers to a spanking given for the purpose of correction and/or re-establishing dominance. Discipline spankings generally occur within relationships where one partner has been designated as being dominant (or in the case of domestic discipline, head of household). The other, submissive, partner may receive a discipline spanking when they fail to behave in the manner prescribed by the dominant. Discipline spankings are often relatively severe, short in duration, and may be accompanied by other corrective measures.

Domestic Discipline - Domestic discipline is an arrangement where one partner assumes a leadership role known as head of household. The other partner is expected to respect the HOH and accept their direction. Failure to follow the instructions of the HOH may be dealt with in a punitive fashion, often involving spanking.

Dominant - A person who assumes a superior role within a relationship.

Erotic Spanking - A spanking whose purpose is foreplay or augmentation of sexual relations. Many couples enjoy spankings as a prelude to sex.

Head of Household - The leader in a domestic discipline relationship.

Implement - An object used for spanking. There are many types including paddles, crops, canes, brushes, straps, and floggers. Each class of implement has unique characteristics which make them appropriate for different situations and purposes. One common scale for assessing implements is “stingy” (generates sharp pain at the skin level) versus thuddy (yields a deep, penetrating ache).

Kink - A generic term that refers to many types of unconventional sexual activities or lifestyles, but especially BDSM. Spanking is one very popular kink.

Maintenance Spanking - The purpose of a maintenance spanking (sometimes referred to as a "regular") is to maintain order and tranquility. It is often scheduled in advance and is not associated with any specific offense.

OTK - Over The Knee. Despite its apparent anatomical specificity, this acronym is actually used to describe any position where the spankee is draped across the lap of the spanker. The spanker may be seated in a chair or at the edge of a bed, bench, or sofa.

Pain - Pain is a part of every spanking and each spankee approaches it in their own way. Some embrace the pain. Some try to deny or minimize it. Still others hold on until their natural endorphins arrive. For most couples, pain is not the objective, but rather a means to an end.

Pervertible - A spanking implement adapted from some other, presumably vanilla, purpose.

Position - In this context, the term refers to the physical orientation of the spankee during a spanking. There are many alternatives available. Couples often enjoy experimenting with various positions.

Punishment Spanking - A spanking delivered for the purpose of correcting a misdeed. In some cases, the warm-up beforehand and sex afterward may be omitted in order to re-establish order or make a point.

Restraint - This term refers to any method used to limit the movement of the spankee. It may consist of classic bondage, such as rope restraints or furniture, but restraint can also be as simple as a handkerchief tied around the wrists. Whatever the form, extra care is needed to ensure the well-being of the spankee throughout the session.

Ritual - A ceremonialized series of activities that amplify the significance of the spanking. Participants often find that introducing the elements of ritual into their spankings cause them to become more meaningful. Examples of rituals include fetching the implement, counting, and corner time.

Role Play - Role play provides a structure for couples to explore their fantasies. By pretending to be other characters, such as a cheerleader, pirate, schoolmaster, or maid, couples can step away from their own familiar roles and try something new.

Safeword - A safeword is a word or phrase which, when spoken by either participant, will cause a session to halt or end. Safewords are essential for ensuring the well-being of the spankee. They can also serve the spanker by preventing him or her from going too far.

Severity - The severity of a spanking is often linked to the intensity and duration of the session. However, a better measure is the physical and emotional impact it has upon the recipient. From this perspective, relatively mild spankings can, in some circumstances, be devastating while even brutal spankings can other times seem quite tolerable. A expert spanker perceives his or her spankee’s reactions and adapts appropriately.

Sit Spots - As the name implies, this is the portion of the bottom that comes in contact with a chair while seated. Spankers often direct special attention to these two areas.

Spanking - A series of sharp blows to the bottom given for the purposes of punishment, discipline, correction, stress reduction, sexual foreplay, or play.

Spanking Blog - A web log that contains content concerning spanking enthusiasts, techniques, situations, and other topics of interest.

Spanking Model - A spanking model is a person who is filmed and/or photographed while depicting or participating in spankings and related activities.

Spankee - The recipient of a spanking.

Spanker - One who spanks.

Spanko - Slang term for a spanking enthusiast. This is probably a shortened version of the word spankophile.

Stress Relief Spanking - A spanking that is administered for the purpose of reducing tension. Such spankings are sometime relatively severe and delivered quickly without much ritual or warm-up. For other spankees, stress relief spankings work best when they build more gradually. With either approach, the objective is the same.

Submissive - A person who assumes a dependent or follower role within a relationship.

Switch - Someone who has an interest in both spanking others and being spanked. The term also refers to a small, freshly cut, flexible tree branch that is used as a spanking implement.

Vanilla - A vanilla is a slang term for a person who lacks interest in spanking or other kinks. It is not a derogatory word, just a statement of fact.

Warm-up - A comparatively light spanking that precedes the main portion of a session. Many spankees find that they can tolerate far more spanking activity if they are properly warmed up first. This is the reason why many spankers begin with their hand before introducing implements.

---

I considered about twenty more words, but I eventually decided that this project needed to be a blog post rather than a book. So here you are…

Spanking 101: The Spanking Hour

A friend recently asked me a question that I thought might be an appropriate topic for a Spanking 101 post. She had read a blog post where the author described a spanking that lasted for one entire hour. She wondered if this was even practical.

My answer was no and yes. Sixty solid minutes of deliberate whacking would be senseless overkill. Even in a punishment scenario, any lesson can be taught in far less time. Beyond a certain point, the spankee's bottom becomes numb and additional spanking serves no purpose.

However, I can easily imagine an hour long spanking because I have participated in several. I draw an analogy to spending an hour in bed making love. That wouldn't, or more likely couldn't, consist of continuous intercourse. There would also have to be kissing and rubbing and talking and massaging and laughing and so forth. So it is with the one hour spanking.

It can be great fun to make your spankings last. Here are twenty five suggestions to enrich your spanking adventures:

1. Try some role play scenarios and let your fantasies run wild


2. Use a vibrator, and not necessarily only in the usual spots


3. Take a break for oral sex


4. Test a series of implements and note your likes and dislikes


5. Caress someplace that feels really good


6. Change positions several times


7. Whisper a sexy secret desire


8. Try a butt plug


9. Put on some appropriate mood music and spank to the beat


10. Talk about the spanking


11. Generously apply some scented oil and massage it in


12. Munch on chocolate-covered strawberries


13. Light incense


14. Kiss beneath the sheets


15. Position mirrors so you can both watch


16. Try a little light bondage, just for fun


17. Take a shower together


18. Instead of counting up the swats, try counting down


19. Show off your little known talent


20. Remove protective clothing one layer at a time


21. Play guess that implement


22. Light candles and turn off the lights


23. Hold a private spanko fashion show


24. Wet the target using a damp washcloth


25. Make passionate love

Even as I assembled this list, I kept thinking of more delicious possibilities. Your technique needn't be anything that requires elaborate preparation. Sometimes, I will position myself over Randy's lap while we are on the couch and watching television. The goal is to make each experience a little bit different and little bit special.

It's really not that hard to spend an hour spanking, and if you do, I think you'll agree that it was an hour well spent!

Spanking 101: Safewords

A loyal reader recently inquired about the subject of safewords. I was about to refer her to an appropriate tutorial when it occurred to me that I hadn't written one yet.

What is a Safeword?

A safeword is a word or phrase used during a spanking to signal the spankee's inability to continue. The safeword is negotiated by the couple in advance and they share a common understanding of its usage and meaning.

In general, when a safeword is invoked, it is an indication of serious trouble on the part of the spankee. In most cases, this is a relatively extreme situation where normal verbal communication might be difficult. The spanker's response should be an immediate halt to all spanking activities and focused attention upon her physical safety and emotional welfare (please substitute roles and genders as necessary for your situation).

Why a Safeword?

There are a variety of opinions about safewords. Many spankos believe they are absolutely indispensable and spanking without one is hazardous. On the opposite side, others claim that invoking a safeword constitutes "topping from the bottom." From this perspective, granting control to the spankee during a discipline session interferes with the lesson being delivered. Between these two divergent views, there are many shades of grey.

Randy and I believe in safewords. Ours is "Red." In twenty plus years, I’ve used it only a few times, but on those occasions, I was very grateful for this escape hatch. I recall once being suddenly overcome by what turned out to be a digestive virus. Another time, the position I was in caused my back to spasm.

Randy knows me very, very well. Most times, he can read my emotions during a spanking session at least as well as I can. Once in a great while, though, wires can get crossed. Were it not for our safeword, my health and safety could have been jeopardized. That’s why I recommend that every couple have a safeword, even if it’s never employed.

In the case of a punishment spanking, I would expect that the full measure of discipline would still be administered at a suitable later time. In any case, I feel that having, using, and respecting a safeword is an important element in protecting a vulnerable submissive.

Choosing an Appropriate Safeword

Should you determine that you want a safeword, the first task is to select one. An ideal safeword is short, unique, unambiguous, and easy to remember. It should be a term that wouldn't normally be used during a spanking. I once heard of a couple who claimed that "ouch" was their safeword. Were Randy and I to adopt that practice, I would miss out on a whole lot of good spanking! An unusual word is a better selection.

The safeword can be as obvious as "Uncle" or even "Safeword." Or it can be something obscure, so long as the spankee can always remember it and the spanker will always recognize it.

Using the Safeword

A good safeword is like insurance. It's valuable, even if it's never needed. Simply knowing the safeword is available spurs many a spankee to greater confidence and an increased willingness to experiment.

Yet, a safeword is worthless without trust to back it up. Obviously, the spankee must trust that her partner will honor her use of the safeword and believe that she truly is in distress. She must trust that he will aid and protect her.

But trust flows in the opposite direction as well. The spanker must trust that his partner is not invoking the safeword frivolously or with intent to manipulate. This sort of trust and mutual understanding takes time. It develops through shared experiences and open communication.

When a spankee speaks her safeword, spanking and all other play should come to an abrupt halt. At that moment, her safety and well-being become paramount. If necessary, first aid should be administered. For more serious situations, timely medical attention should be sought. It would be embarrassing to reveal the type of play you enjoy, but if the alternative is a serious injury, this must be endured. The chances are that no such issues will arise, but it's best to be prepared.

As beneficial as a safeword can be, it's no silver bullet. Nor is it a substitute for open communication. A spankee is often praised for accepting her strokes without resistance. When she is feeling submissive and in the zone, pain can become a secondary consideration. In many cases, this is a positive experience.

However, if she is unable to recognize the seriousness of her situation or express it verbally, this can be a problem. Again, trust is essential. If the spanker believes it is warranted, he has an obligation to ask his partner whether she wishes to use her safeword or simply bring the proceedings to a conclusion.

Summing Up

Most spanko couples don't engage in activities that are inherently hazardous. The likelihood of a serious injury is relatively small. However, even playful spankings can result in accidents. In my view, a safeword is a simple and worthwhile precaution.

Beyond the intrinsic value of having a pre-arranged signal, a discussion of safewords leads quite naturally into other valuable topics such as limits, expectations, and responsibilities. This type of dialogue and the understanding it fosters not only enhances play, but also benefits the relationship as a whole.

Have fun and be safe!

Spanking 101: Talking with Your Partner

This essay grew out of a recent e-mail exchange with a reader who was having trouble convincing her partner to spank her. I thought these points might be helpful for other MBS readers.

For the sake of clarity, I will assume that a male spanker is reluctant to spank his female partner. I invite you to substitute genders, roles, or level of interest as fits your circumstance. However, some combinations, particularly those involving an unwilling spankee, may be considerably more problematic than the scenario described here.

Below are ten points to consider should you decide to raise the subject of spanking with a presumably vanilla partner.

1. Incorporating spanking into an existing relationship can be very difficult. This message was conveyed very clearly during a brunch we held last summer. Individuals are complex and so are their needs and desires. It's unusual for two people to always be on the same page, especially when their relationship is evolving. It's quite natural that partners will have differing levels of interest. The first step toward enhancing your relationship is to accept and respect your differences.


2. Sometimes, things go wrong. It's relatively common for one partner to misinterpret the other's words, acts, or intentions. In the process, feelings can be hurt and trust can be damaged. The challenge is to recognize problems as they arise and deal with them at the time. This means lots of open communication including the sharing of concerns, fears, disappointments, desires, and aspirations. If both partners have the same, or at least compatible, expectations, the opportunity for future misunderstandings will be reduced.


3. There is no silver bullet and one size never fits all. I wish someone could simply lay out a cookbook approach to a fantastic relationship. Unfortunately, that's impossible. What works well for one couple may be a disaster for another, and vice versa. Ultimately, you must chart your own path to success.


4. As you approach your partner, please keep in mind that while you've had this concept in the back of your mind (or maybe the front) for a long time, the idea of spanking is less familiar to him. It will likely take time for him to process this information on his own terms. As much as we might like to set timetables, partners work on their own schedules.


5. Please be patient and try not to push too hard or too often. As much fun as a good spanking can be, it's probably not worth damaging your relationship. He may come around with the passage of time. Or perhaps not. Either way, it's important to be an understanding partner.


6. Another issue is that most men are taught from early childhood to never, ever strike any female. This socialization is very beneficial overall, but it may impede your partner's willingness to spank. The only real way around this obstacle is to prove to him that you are not harmed by spankings, and that in fact, they are very positive.


7. If he is inclined to talk, then talk with him. I think a good time is in bed after lovemaking. Both of you are relaxed and feeling very connected. At that moment, he has no pressure to perform and every reason to be open-minded. Be sure to look him in the eyes so that he understands the conviction behind your words.
   
   If he is inclined to read, you might send him links to blog posts that describe the kind of activities you desire. Alternately, if he likes paper, you could print out a few favorites.


8. Don't force the issue. If he agrees to read, give him the space to read or not read as he chooses. If he is eager to discuss the text, then by all means do so. If he says nothing, let the subject drop for a few days before raising it again. Mark my words, if he feels you are pressuring him, he will dig in his heels and your job will become immeasurably more difficult.


9. At least at first, it's best to focus upon the erotic elements of spanking. There's nothing wrong with wanting domestic discipline or heavy BDSM play, but you will be more likely to gain initial acceptance if you keep it light. Spankings are marvelous foreplay. Anything that turns you on is likely to improve his love life too. This is a language most men implicitly understand.


10. Finally, you need not feel alone in your quest. There are lots of spankos who have been precisely where you are. Bloggers and forum members are experiencing or have experienced these challenges. Most are quite willing to share their wisdom. These folks can be an excellent source for advice and support.

If you choose to pursue this course, go forth with caution and forethought. It's not the easiest path, but you might just change both of your lives for the better.

Keywords: spanking, spanking 101, spanking tutorial, talking about spanking, spanking advice

Spanking 101: Your First Spanking

Last year, I presented ten tips for spanking novices. Since then, I’ve wanted to revisit the topic in more detail, and from a slightly different perspective.

A couple’s first spanking might be their most difficult. Partners may have different expectations and levels of interest. It’s quite natural to be nervous. There are so many unanswered questions:

• How much will it hurt?
• Will this help or harm our relationship?
• Is this the first step toward heavy bondage and discipline?
• Should we adopt dominant and submissive roles?
• Am I betraying my gender?
• Is it ever OK to hit a woman?

The best strategy, I think, is one that places the focus squarely where it belongs. What matters most is the couple and their relationship. Spanking is beneficial only if it enriches the lives of both partners. For a first spanking, we will place this consideration above all others.

A mutually enjoyable spanking experience requires a little bit of forethought and planning. Yes, I know it’s not as exciting as a spontaneous spanking session, but if this first one goes well, there might be plenty more to follow. It’s OK to talk about these topics. Really! No one can read minds, and if you want your partner to understand what you’re thinking, you must share those thoughts and ideas.

As important as it is to talk, listening is even more essential. Your partner will probably tell you whether they like your plan. In the event that they hesitate or even reject it, fear not. Perhaps they will offer a reasonable alternative. At this moment, it is to your advantage to be flexible. Please remember that there are many paths to your destination.

When you decide to try a first spanking, the setting is very important. Plan to be as far from distractions as is practical. Try to choose a time when both partners are feeling relaxed, energetic, and open-minded. Make sure to allow plenty of time for whatever might follow.

The prelude to the spanking should be loving and reassuring. The spankee should feel as though she is adored and appreciated. The spanker should feel as though he is honored and beloved. Kisses, stroking hair, tender touches, and sweet words all reinforce these feelings of connectedness and unity.

When it is time for the spanking, select a position that will be both intimate and comfortable for both partners. I recommend that the spanker sit at the edge of a bed or on a couch with the spankee draped across his lap. In this position, both her upper torso and legs are well supported. Her bottom is also nicely presented.

Rather than starting right in with swats, it’s often nice to further set the mood by rubbing the bottom using a slow, circular motion. For many spankees, including me, this kind of touching is a tremendous turn-on. I particularly like the feel of a hand moving over the back of my skirt and perhaps occasionally diving underneath to add to the arousal. Should the spankee begin to roll her hips, she’s definitely ready.

Any real spanking should hurt, but that’s not the primary goal this first time. We’re instead aiming for erotic stimulation. Don’t drive through your swats, but let them dance lightly on the surface. Redden the skin, but try not to bruise it. A hand should suffice and even then, avoid full force blows. Teach her to love the sensations of stinging and warmth. Talk as you spank and tell her what a tremendous turn-on it is to finally feel her across your lap.

For the spankee, it’s vital to express yourself as well. Tell him what you need, what you want, what you like, and what you don’t. That’s the best way for him to learn and refine his technique.

A few dozen light to moderate whacks should suffice for this first spanking. Again, you will hopefully get more chances to experiment in the future. When the spanking is over, the spanker should embrace his partner and ensure that she feels truly loved. This sets the stage for wonderful aftercare experiences in the future.

Many couples find spankings to be sexually arousing and an excellent form of foreplay. In this situation, lovemaking quite naturally follows a spanking. For us, spankings are the ultimate aphrodisiac. The resulting sex represents a welcome completion, a dénouement. It’s certainly not required, but I do recommend it.

Once the excitement dies down, you may wish to talk about your experiences. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to try next time? How could the session be better? In those answers lies a roadmap to years of erotic spanking fun.

Speaking of fun, a spanking doesn’t have to be serious or clinical. It’s fine to be yourself, laugh, or act silly. Keeping things light removes some of the pressure to make everything perfect.

I hope your first spanking is a wonderful experience for both of you! Best wishes, and please let me know how everything works out in the end.

Keywords: spanking, spanking 101, spanking tutorial, first spanking

Spanking 101: Letting Go

As a spanking progresses, it’s quite natural for the recipient to experience ambivalence and feelings of resistance. The acute pain and the sense of being out of control contribute to a desire to escape and flee. At very least, she will desperately want the spanking to conclude. Such resistance may be manifest as screaming, begging, kicking, or trying to get up. Even the spankee who remains quiet and in position may still resist by acting as though it doesn’t hurt or by pretending that she is so tough that it doesn’t register.

This kind of resistance seldom yields the desired results. In fact, many spankers find it troublesome. They too would like to complete the spanking, but not before the full benefits are realized. The spanker’s typical response is to tighten his grasp and spank harder. A spankee who is still struggling is not yet ready to submit and accept her spanking.

If the spankee is stubborn, this contest may continue for some time. Eventually, though, she will reach a point when she no longer desires to struggle. She has accepted her fate and made peace with it. I call this magical moment "letting go." She can feel her entire body physically relax. Suddenly, the falling blows don’t hurt so much any more.

Once she has "let go," strong feelings of submission overwhelm all other emotions. She feels small and suddenly in need of her partner’s loving touch. Rather than an violation of her sovereignty, the spanking now feels like a caring expression of his dominance. She doesn’t fight it any longer. There is no need to resist because both partners are now working toward a common goal.

For the spanker, reaching the "letting go" stage indicates that his message has been received. For the spankee, the experience is considerably more intense and emotional. She realizes intuitively that she need not face her problems alone. She can stand with her partner and take them on together, one challenge at a time. I find that the overpowering physical and emotional shock of a hard spanking tends to push out feelings of negativity, despair, frustration, and overload.

The spanking often ends soon after the point of "letting go." Gentle aftercare, such as hugs, caressing, kisses, and whispered encouragement, nurtures the spankee’s budding feelings of submission. Lovemaking is typically welcome as well.

Most spankos have experienced that moment of "letting go." For me, the benefits inherent in intimate spankings usually begin at that instant and last for hours afterward. It’s a feeling that I anticipate and one I treasure.

Spanking 101: Bratting

If you ask ten spankos to define the term "bratting," it's possible that you could receive ten different answers. Despite this wide spectrum of opinion, I believe we can gain some insight by examining the question more closely.

A brat, in the common vernacular, is a poorly behaved child. In the spanko world, it is applied to an adult who acts in a similar fashion. Regardless of how you believe the child should be handled, the presumption is that the adult brat is deserving of a spanking. They may, in fact, actually be asking for it by manifesting bratty behavior.

Therein lies the first thorny issue. Some spankers believe that a brat who seeks a spanking should not be so rewarded. Doing so, from this perspective, would simply encourage the inappropriate behavior. Other spankers simply spank the brat and call the matter finished.

Bratting, and teasing in general, can be fun as long as both parties are playing the same game. It leads very easily into a variety of role play spanking scenarios.

Bratting behavior can include spanking the spanker, hiding implements, name calling, dares, risque dress, running away, exposing vulnerable skin, and silly pranks. The common thread is harmless fun that places the spanker in a position where administering a spanking would be appropriate.

Not all spankees engage in bratting behavior. Not all spankers appreciate it. Here are ten reasons why a spankee may choose not to brat.

1. Their partner doesn't respond
2. It can create misunderstandings
3. It's easier to just ask
4. It may be interpreted as a sign of disrespect
5. The spankee doesn't want to feel like child
6. The spankee's true intent is erotic
7. The spanker may feel manipulated
8. It doesn't seem that funny
9. Why would you enrage a man with a paddle?
10. It doesn't work in the context of their relationship

Most relationships have room for a little joking. Bratting may fit within these bounds, or it may not. As with so many dimensions of a loving partnership, the individual needs and desires of the couple generally trump all other considerations. To the extent that bratting enhances mutual satisfaction, it's a good idea. Should it become one-sided or inhibit open communication, it may be time to refocus upon the more fundamental elements of the relationship.

So, to brat or not to brat? That remains a question each spanko couple must answer for themselves.

Spanking 101: Anticipation

In the world of erotic spanking, getting there is definitely half the fun. While there are times when a short and sweet quickie spanking fits the bill, nothing beats the delicious decadence of extended preparation.

For the spanker, announcing a spanking in advance is both an expression of dominance and an invitation to play. It also provides him with the time to prepare more intricate scenarios.

For the recipient, learning of an upcoming spanking in advance triggers a wide array of thoughts and sensations. For me, that moment highlights the sweet dichotomy of recreational spanking. On one hand, my handsome husband is proposing to deliver an powerful bolt of sexual lightning. The very notion makes my skin tingle. My hand slides involuntarily back toward my bottom, not as protection, but to reconnect with the destination of his rough affection.

At the same time, another part of my psyche reacts as a young girl who must soon bend over, stare at the carpet, and endure a painful punishment. This thought releases a hundred butterflies in my stomach. Despite the fact that Randy has spanked me a thousand times before, I still feel nervous. These feelings turn me on as well, but at a totally different level.

I find that a period of waiting supercharges my emotions. It gives me a chance to speculate about what might happen. My fertile imagination runs wild pondering a hundred permutations of spanking and sex. All the while, the contradictions mount. I want the waiting to be over, yet I’m not quite ready to be spanked. I crave the sensation of a spanking, but I’m not yet prepared to embrace the pain. I am eager to submit, though perhaps not just this minute. By the time Randy calls my name, I am already in an intense state of nervous arousal.
There are a number of ways in which couples can heighten the sense of anticipation prior to a spanking. Here are ten practical suggestions:

1. Schedule your spanking at a time when you won’t be rushed or interrupted.


2. Building anticipation is most valuable for erotic spankings. With other types, particularly stress relief spankings, waiting can be counterproductive.


3. Fun surprises make for memorable spankings. There needn’t always be one big surprise. In fact, several small ones can be even more enjoyable. Examples include new toys, new positions, new locales, new techniques, or new scenarios.


4. Prepare the scene. I love a spanking with a theme. They can’t all be Broadway productions, but I absolutely adore it when Randy goes the extra mile to make the experience so much more than just a sore bottom.


5. Physical separation is beneficial during the time of anticipation. This time apart increases the spankee’s curiosity and eagerness, especially when she can hear her partner preparing.


6. Hints go hand in hand with surprises. Sometimes Randy will share the general theme, but none of the details. This tactic gets my mind working even harder.
7. Variety is the spice of life and spanking is spicy play indeed. The broader your spanking repertoire, the more difficult it will be for the recipient to anticipate the events to follow.


8. The duration needs to be right. The waiting interval will vary based upon the couple and the situation. It’s difficult to provide a hard and fast guideline, but less then ten minutes is probably too short and more than two hours will likely prove to be too long. Keep in mind that the desired result is a horny spankee who is primed for an exciting session.


9. Change your sequence. Consider fellatio before the spanking or spanking as a part of intercourse. These small alterations restore the novelty and feed future anticipation.


10. Always remember the love. It’s fun to tease, but cruelty is never positive. Seek experiences that both partners will appreciate.

Anticipation is worthless without the events being anticipated. But together, each can make the other a lot more fun.

Spanking 101: Restraint

For those of us so inclined, a well-executed spanking can fulfill many needs. Spankings, by necessity, come in all shapes and sizes. We don’t all have the same needs and preferences. Even from day to day, our own tastes can vary. Sometimes a simple trip over the lap will suffice. Other times, a more intricate plan is indicated.

For the latter situation, many spankos choose to expand their repertoire though the use of restraint. Fundamentally, restraint is nothing more than limiting the movement of the spankee. This can take many forms. At the most basic level, it could mean nothing more than grasping her wrist during an over the lap spanking. At the other end of the spectrum, restraint can involve elaborate equipment or even entire rooms dedicated to this purpose. Most enthusiasts find themselves somewhere in the middle.

For the purpose of this article, I choose to use the word restraint rather than the more common term, bondage. For whatever reason, that word seems to scare some newbies by evoking images of extreme forms. To my mind, they are synonymous and neither term implies a specific level of intensity. However, the purpose of these tutorials is to inform and enlighten. If I can reach more people by calling it restraint, then so be it.

Most adult spanking relationships involve a certain degree of power exchange. The spankee, at least implicitly, grants her spanker some control over her body, her emotions, and her safety. When things work right, the result is stronger trust and better communication between the partners. Restraint, in this context, heightens and intensifies the power exchange equation. The psychological surrender of control becomes manifest in the physical world in the form of bonds. Restraint promotes in the spankee a feeling of helplessness that, in turn, feeds many submissive fantasies.

So, jargon aside, why would we do it? For me, it’s fun. It’s exciting to be lost in the moment. It amplifies the spanking experience. It fosters greater emotional closeness between Randy and me. Finally, restraint play helps to move my mind to a peaceful place where I simply react without thought or worry. To those just beginning, some of these descriptions may not entirely make sense. That’s all right. Time and practice bring understanding.

If you think you would like to add restraint to your own relationship, here are ten practical suggestions:

1. Safety comes first – No thrill is worth a permanent injury
2. Consent is essential and non-negotiable
3. Check in frequently – “Are you OK?”
4. Make it enjoyable for both partners
5. Have, use, and respect a safeword
6. Bonds should not cut off blood circulation
7. Use the proper restraints correctly
8. Never constrict the neck or interfere with breathing
9. Start small and simple
10. Learn from people who know

Restraint is by no means an all or nothing proposition. It’s possible to begin very gently. I suggest a scarf be used to bind the wrists of the spankee. For the first time, a loose slipknot will suffice. This allows the spankee to know that she can escape at any time if things become too scary. The fact that she doesn’t is an expression of trust. As their trust grows, a couple can expand their techniques to include tying limbs to bed posts or chair legs.

Many couples play with rope. This can be exciting, but it can also be rough on the skin. If restraints need to stay in place for more than a few minutes, you may want to consider investing in some cuffs. These are loops, typically made of leather, which can be placed around a wrist or ankle. Cuffs allow easy attachment of ropes or cords. Many are padded to protect the wrist or ankle.

There are many, many varieties of restraints and ways to employ them. No single article, or single Web site for that matter, can do justice to this topic. Fortunately, there are plenty of great resources. I suggest this Wikipedia article as a good starting place. Some Web sites feature pictures that depict extreme activities. Please remember that each couple can and should decide the type of play that best suits them.

If you would like to add a bit of spice to your spanking relationship, restraint is a excellent way to do so. It isn't for everyone, but many spankos enjoy some knots with their swats.

Spanking 101: Fun!

As I tour many colorful neighborhoods of cyberspace, I occasionally encounter a blogger who views the topic of spanking with a sober, emotionless fatalism. They relate tales of habitually ungrateful spankees who must be dealt with promptly, sternly, repeatedly, and in the harshest possible manner. All sorts of unpleasant punishments are meted out in measured ritual until the unwavering scales of blind justice are once again properly balanced.

If there are real people who live this way, I wish them a lifetime of fulfillment. Most of us, however, wouldn’t be satisfied with this type of one dimensional arrangement. I know plenty of couples who employ some form of discipline spanking. But in virtually every case, that is just one component of a richer, more complex relationship.

Whether your relationship is vanilla or double chocolate hot fudge tin roof swirl, I suggest that the element of fun is essential to long term success. Laughing, joking, teasing, and playing all enhance feelings of bonding and closeness. This intimacy, in turn, fosters effective communication.

For the spanko couple, I would argue that having fun is even more important. Fortunately, it’s quite easy. The essence of humor is the juxtaposition of familiar circumstances with unlikely outcomes, or the reverse. What could be more improbable that a capable adult woman lying across her lover’s lap and being spanked like a misbehaving child? Ignoring for the moment the tremendous potential for arousal, this scenario is positively ludicrous. Isn’t it?

It’s OK. We can admit that it is a bit silly. In fact, I choose to embrace the zaniness. Spankings can be fun and they can be funny. In fact, spankings can occasionally be downright hilarious, even for the person on the receiving end. Take, for example, a substandard paddle that is simply not up to the task for which it has been selected. I can hardly contain my glee at the recognition that my well-worn posterior is superior to the implement chosen for its chastisement. Do I giggle? Oh, yeah. Do I dance? Oh course! Do I strut? You bet! Do I get spanked again with a sturdier paddle? Naturally. It’s all good fun.

A wise woman once told me that if you’re not having fun during lovemaking, you’re probably not doing it correctly. I think the same advice applies equally to adult spanking. There’s no reason why getting a sore bottom can’t be enjoyable. Like any sex act, it’s a reaffirming celebration of love, life, and coupling. A spanking can be serious if you choose to approach it that way, but that is but one of the options available.

As you plan your next recreational spanking, remember to pack the fun. You won’t be disappointed!

Spanking 101: Stress Relief

Life is stressful. For most of us, there’s simply no escaping that reality. All of us sometimes find ourselves with too much work and too little time. Shortcuts are taken. Mistakes are made. Misunderstandings occur. The result is a feeling of overwhelming anxiety. At this stage, even minor events can loom large.

When these kinds of troubles arise, successful people find a way to work through them. Some exercise at a gym. Some run. Others escape with a book, a movie, or even a vacation. In all of these cases, the key elements are to step away from the stressful situation and channel nervous energy in a more productive direction. At our house, we use spanking as a means of stress relief.

I have a great job and, most days, I love it. However, I work with people who have a remarkable ability to drive me crazy. If I’m already feeling emotionally sensitive, even small comments can push me over the edge. Rather than scream at a thoughtless boor, I choose to bring my problem home. My dear husband, Randy, has a wonderful treatment that drains the stress from my body.

A well executed stress relief spanking is loving, but not necessarily erotic. It’s harsh, but not punitive. Although any position can be used, Randy most often likes to bend me over the back of the couch. He claims there are fewer distractions than with the classic OTK position, thus allowing both of us to concentrate fully upon the matter at hand. He tends to spank with a wooden paddle or hairbrush. He believes that the jarring impact of a rigid implement is the most effective method for breaking through my resistance. A stress relief spanking is, by necessity, very hard and very painful. At these times, I find that I can accept far more punishment that in most other scenarios. My bottom is often sore for a couple of days afterward. Nevertheless, I am most grateful for my stress relief spankings. I really need them once in a while. They restore balance, sanity, and perspective. I think of it as rebooting my emotions.

For Randy and me, a stress relief spanking is generally followed by intercourse. Even so, the actual spanking doesn’t seem much like a turn-on at the time. Once the proceedings are concluded, however, I inevitably find myself very much in the mood for lovemaking. If the purpose of the spanking is to clear the chaos, the sex that follows serves to re-establish order.

For at least a day or so, I feel considerably lighter, happier, more relaxed, and less burdened. My challenges remain the same, but I am more focused. I am also more cooperative and communicative as well.

Stress relief spankings obviously aren’t for everyone. Similarly, there are many problems simply cannot be resolved through spanking. But if you’re a spanko who battles stress, this might be just the remedy you need.

Spanking 101: Fantasy and Reality

Fantasy can be wonderful. Any scenario our vivid imaginations can devise, no matter how improbable, can be enjoyed within the realm of fantasy. We can be our own heroes and heroines. Constraints such as time, space, money, good sense, safety, commitments, or the conventions of society need not limit our fun. In short, fantasy provides us a blank canvas upon which to paint our dreams.

Reality, in its way, can be better still. We can experience the delicious touch of skin against skin. The feelings and sensations are genuine and not always predictable. There is no substitute for burn of a leather strap as it strikes a naked bottom. Likewise, the breathless thrill of multiple orgasms cannot be adequately explained to someone who has not experienced it. This is life at its best.

Joining these two discrete worlds is a kind of Holy Grail for lovers. What if we could live our most extreme fantasies? Wouldn’t that be perfect?

Unfortunately, it’s often not quite so simple, or so perfect. First, and perhaps most importantly, it is rare for both partners to share precisely the same fantasy. Therefore, when exploring fantasies, one partner must play along for the sake of their lover. While any submissive will tell you that it can be satisfying in some situations to bury your own needs and desires to accommodate your partner, few people are willing to do so on a permanent basis. If someone simply doesn’t like spanking, for example, it’s unlikely that any amount of practice or encouragement will change their preference.

The second issue with bringing fantasies to life is the physical limitations of our flesh and blood bodies. I’ve read stories that depict a spankee receiving a thousand hard cane strokes or being whipped continuously for an hour. These activities should stay in the world of make-believe because real humans aren’t constructed to absorb that kind of abuse. No fantasy is worth the risk of permanent injury.

Similarly, fantasies, if we accept them as fact, can establish unrealistic expectations. For example, a fictional man might keep an erection for two hours despite ejaculating three or four times. At least in my experience, real men don’t last quite that long. If we measure ourselves or our partners by these benchmarks, we may find everyone involved to be inadequate.

The third problem area is societal restrictions. It might seem like the wildest idea ever to have sex on the lawn in front of city hall at noon on a weekday. Trust me. This is a bad concept. It just isn’t worth the trouble.

So must fantasy and reality remain forever separate? My answer is not necessarily. It’s quite possible to live one’s fantasies, or at least some of them.

Randy and I often engage in role playing. It allows us to step out of our usual personas and into entirely different characters. I know full well that it’s my loving husband who is flogging my bottom because we both enjoy it, but it’s fun sometimes to pretend that he’s someone else with another agenda.

Here are ten common sense guidelines for moving your spanking fantasies into reality:

1. Talk through your plans in advance
2. Consent by both parties is essential
3. Set clear limits
4. Have, use, and respect a safeword
5. Be honest about what you can and will do
6. Keep communication open throughout the session
7. Start simple, stay safe, and be legal
8. Admit when something isn’t working
9. Remember this is just play
10. Make it enjoyable for both partners

There are some fantasies that should never see the light of day in the real world. Others transition quite nicely. The key is knowing yourselves well enough to discern the difference.

It's been said that the most important sex organ is the one we all have between our ears. The imagination can transform a simple physical act into a wonderous sensual celebration. Fantasy plays a crucial role in a fulfilling love life. It fuels the fires of lust and libido. As with any fire, it can warm us or burn us, depending upon how we handle it.

I believe it's important to place fantasy in its proper role. As a spice, fantasy can make everything else on the menu taste better. However, when we try to serve it as a main course, we risk losing the wholesome goodness of all the other dishes.

With this balanced perspective and ongoing communication between partners, the element of fantasy can truly enrich our real world relationships.

Spanking 101: Rituals

Wikipedia defines a ritual as "a set of actions, performed mainly for their symbolic value, which is prescribed by a religion or by the traditions of a community."

Many couples incorporate some form of ritual into their spanking practices. In this context, a ritual is ceremonialized series of activities that amplify the significance of the spanking. Participants often find that introducing the elements of ritual into their spankings cause them to become more meaningful.

In a discipline setting, ritualistic practices can add formality and consequence to the proceedings. For a maintenance or theraputic spankings, ritual can reinforce a message. For erotic spanking enthusiasts, rituals heighten fantasies and create a more dramatic environment. Regardless of the purpose, rituals often work to enhance a spanking.

Common rituals include these ten examples:

1. Positioning - The spankee must typically situate herself in preparation for a spanking (over the lap, over a piece of furniture, grabbing ankles, etc.)
2. Fetching the implement - The spankee must participate in her own spanking by retrieving implement(s)
3. Uncovering the target - The spankee must bare her own bottom, so as to demonstrate her acceptance
4. Verbal instruction - The spanker directs the recipient to prepare for the spanking in a particular manner
5. The verbal review - The spanker discusses at length the reasons for the spanking is being administered and the desired results
6. Kissing the implement - This is another means by which a spankee can be asked to demonstrate her acceptance of the spanking
7. Removing garments during the spanking - Some spankers enjoy peeling away individual clothing layers as they spank as if to signify disappearing resistance
8. Grouping swats into sets with rest breaks in between - Spankers sometimes choose to spread out a spanking over time to render it more intense and memorable
9. Counting - The spankee is asked to verbally count out the strokes applied to her bottom
10. Corner time - The spankee must stand in a corner before or after a spanking, typically with her bottom on display, for the purpose of reflection

Many spankos employ some or all of these rituals. In addition, individual couples often develop their own unique rituals over time. Here are four that Randy and I enjoy:

• Spankings before we go to the theatre
• Spankings when we arrive in a new hotel room
• Spankings whenever I wear thong-style underwear
• Spankings whenever I leave an implement sitting out

The latter two provide me with the opportunity to ask for a spanking without necessarily having to say the words.

Spanking rituals come in many forms and serve many purposes. At their heart, though, all rituals exist for the purpose of making the experience more significant and more real.

Spanking 101: Consent

Consent is the bedrock upon which every sexual relationship is built. Without it, sex is rape and spanking is assault.

As black and white as this issue may seem at first glance, there can be many shades of grey. At one end of the spectrum, one partner may decide to permanently surrender her consent regarding sexual matters as a demonstration of total submission. This is not an arrangement with which I would be comfortable, but I know it works for some couples.

At the other end of the spectrum is a policy implemented several years ago at Antioch College in Ohio. This policy required an explicit request and confirmation of consent at each step from a kiss to unbuttoning a button to touching a breast. This too seems a bit extreme. I understand their point (stopping date rape), but the twenty questions procedure would absolutely kill the mood for me.

For most of us, the ideal arrangement lies somewhere in the middle. As with so many issues, there can be no single solution that works for everyone. Couples must find their own comfort level. As a relationship progresses, that level can shift considerably. Failure to agree on this fundamental issue can quickly doom a relationship.

In a vanilla world, we could probably stop here. However, when we add a little kink to the mix, things become more complicated. Submission, by definition, involves giving away a degree of control. It can be exciting and fun or scary and dangerous, depending upon how well the partners communicate and support one another.

For me, the key is that the submissive's control must never be taken from her. It is given voluntarily to the dominant as a loan. She retains full ownership and the right to recall the loan should circumstances change in a major way. The submissive aspects of my relationship with Randy operate in precisely this fashion. It took a number of years for us to forge this understanding, but it has worked well.

Similarly, true consent can be granted only when the submissive is able to think clearly and understand the implications of her decision. In particular, I think coerced consent through any means is very problematic.

Consent has three dimensions - Scope, Duration, and Severability.

Scope refers to the breadth of activities governed by the consent. For example, I allow Randy to tie me up and spank my bottom as he deems appropriate. However, I would be very upset were he to cut or brand me without asking first. Those activities are outside the scope of our consent understanding as it exists today.

Duration is the time frame covered by a consent understanding. It could, for example, be granted for the current session, all sessions, whenever the couple is together, or all of the time.

Severability is the rights the submissive has to pause or cancel her consent in special circumstances. Is there a safeword? When can it be used? What happens when the safeword is invoked?

These three elements can be combined in many ways to fit a variety of situations. There can be no one right formula, except in the context of one couple's desires. As you ponder issues related to consent, I encourage you to consider these choices. The optimal blend should provide thrill without peril and comfort without complacency. Achieving this balance is not always easy, but it is worthwhile.

Spanking 101: Coping with Contradictions

If you're a spanko like me, you probably find yourself surrounded by confusing contradictions:

Why do I want to be punished when I've done nothing wrong? Isn't pain generally a bad thing? I'm a strong, independent person. Why would I want to be spanked like a naughty child? Can I be both submissive and feminist? Why would I want to surrender my control?

Our partners don't have it much easier:

I love my partner. Why on earth would I want to hurt her? How can I be dominant in a society that stresses equality? Why do these seemingly negative activities improve our relationship?

If we adopt a vanilla perspective, this lifestyle simply doesn't make sense. Seeking pain can't be rational, can it? Purposely acting in an irrational manner is cause to question one's sanity. Right? This argument no doubt seems airtight to most vanilla observers.

However, there are other valid viewpoints. If we remove our cultural blinders, if just for the sake of discussion, we can examine them.

I believe we are on this Earth to love and support one another. There can be no human bond more intimate than that shared by loving partners. The desire for physical contact, and sex in particular, are a natural component of these close partner relationships.

People possess a vast variety of sexual interests and preferences. For example, some individuals are turned on by lingerie. Others view such garments as mere pieces of fabric. Neither perspective is inherently right or wrong, except in the eyes of an individual observer.

Analogously, some people are stimulated by rougher treatment. Spankings, in particular, are a common sexual, emotional, and cultural touchstone. Many people find some part of the experience (or the fantasy) to be sexually stimulating and/or satisfying at some other level.

Spankings can serve to fulfill one's needs and those of one's partner. Under the right conditions, intimate spankings can allow a couple to explore erotic boundaries and deepen their relationship. The very act of spanking is often a bonding experience. Similarly, the power exchange dynamic is attractive to many couples in both sexual and non-sexual contexts.

In this light, many of the contradictions remain, but become largely irrelevant. In my view, a fulfilling relationship trumps societal norms. These cultural constraints apply to us only to the extent we choose to recognize them.

The simplest answer is that if a few well placed swats on the bottom will enrich your lives and energize your relationship, why wouldn't you pursue this opportunity?

Spanking 101: Choose Your Implement

Most couples begin their spanking adventures using the implement that nature supplied us. The hand, quite conveniently, is the ideal first implement. It’s portable, difficult to lose, always ready, comparatively safe, and requires no cover story. Better still, a human hand is more intimate than any inanimate implement could ever be.

Unfortunately, hands are also delicate and ill-suited to administering severe spankings. Spanking implements spare the hand while treating the recipient’s bottom somewhat less charitably. For a serious spanking, an effective implement is a practical necessity. The purpose of this article is aid neophytes in the evaluation and selection of spanking implements.

As we consider implements, I believe it is important to recognize that there are few absolutes. Some implements tend to yield more severe damage than others. However, those same serious implements, in the proper hands, can be used to generate a very erotic effect. At the same time, even novelty spanking implements can be used to deliver a very serious spanking.

In addition, recipients vary in terms of their preferences and sensitivity. Their ability to absorb a spanking may depend upon many factors beyond the implement selected and the severity of the spanking. A responsible spanker will adjust his approach accordingly.

For the purpose of categorization, I divide implements based upon their flexibility and the sensation they produce (sting versus thud). A flexible implement is one that bends when it strikes the bottom. A belt is one example. The noise produced is a distinctive crack. It causes an intense burn. A rigid implement, such as a paddle, tends not to deform upon impact. Its impact makes a concussive thwack sound.

A stingy implement works primarily at the skin level to generate warmth, redness, and immediate discomfort. A thuddy implement, in contrast, works primarily upon deeper tissues causing a persisting ache and possibly bruising. By considering these two characteristics, we can classify spanking implements.


As you can see, common implements fit a wide assortment of situations and requirements. Here are my brief impressions of each of these implement types:

Cane: Very stingy and very effective. Can cause nasty skin damage if used carelessly or excessively.

Switch: The cane’s country cousin. The irregular surface makes cuts and abrasions even more likely.

Slapper: A small, thin leather paddle-like implement. Stiffer than a strap, but more flexible than a paddle. Leaves recipient’s bottom bright red and stinging. A personal favorite.

Belt: Can be glorious or hideous depending upon usage.

Strap: Many sizes with varying effectiveness. Mostly sting.

Single tail whip: Not for newbies. Can easily cut the skin. Serious marks.

Hairbrush: Classic domestic discipline implement. Good mix of sting and thud. Works well OTK. Plastic hairbrushes with rubber domes are useless for spanking. Look for solid wood.

Bathbrush: Similar to hairbrush, but longer handle generates a more intense strike.

Leather paddle: Different sizes and shapes available. Delicious blend of sting and thud.

Wooden paddle: Best thud. Various sizes yield different intensities and work in different positions. Be careful with holes.

Flogger: Can be light or heavy depending upon design. Nice change of pace.

There are few simple answers. The best way for couples to determine what works best for them is through experimentation. Start slow and build up the force gradually. During such tests, it is especially critical that the spanker be aware of his partner’s reactions and welfare. Once you are both familiar with an implement and the spankee’s reaction to it, the spanker can feel more free to swing away.

Have fun, but please be safe!

Spanking 101: The Elusive Why

"So why would anyone want to be spanked?" That's a question that all spankos periodically ask themselves and each other. If this question had one simple answer, you would already know it. I'd have to find another topic for tonight.

Even among people with an interest in adult spanking, we're all different. We have different backgrounds, emotions, values, preferences, and desires. Accordingly, there are many reasons why people find spankings beneficial. Here are ten:

Sexual fulfillment Intimacy Stress relief Foreplay Bonding Communication Submission Discipline Focus Ritual

Most spankos would identify multiple items from this list as appealing to them.

The sexual fulfillment angle is a very popular one. Couples often use spanking as foreplay and in conjunction with intercourse. For most people, feeling your lover's hand on your bare bottom (or placing a hand on your lover's bare bottom) is clearly erotic. Administering a spanking is merely one additional step further. Some women achieve climax during a spanking.

Most people feel a need for intimacy. This requirement, for me, is both physical and spiritual. It can be remedied through close contact and lovemaking, but I sometimes seek something more. I never feel closer to my husband than the times we snuggle in bed following a spanking.

In today's world, stress is almost a given. We try to complete too many tasks in too little time. Freeway driving is a nightmare. The list goes on and on. Many spankees find that a spanking offers an emotional release that can effectively strip away nervous stress.

For those of us who possess this kink, spanking is superb foreplay. There's nothing like a few good swats on the behind to get me ready for sex.

Bonding renews and strengthens the relationship between loving partners. Spankings, for many couples, are a bonding experience. They bring the participants emotionally closer.

Communication is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Spankings can aid in communication by breaking down the spankee's barriers and inhibitions.

Submission is defined as a desire to be led by another and to place their needs ahead of one's own. Submission and its mirror image, dominance, take many forms. Some may be perceived as extreme, but others are quite innocuous. For a submissive, spankings can provide an outlet for those feelings.

Couples in domestic discipline relationships use spankings to enforce established rules. The desired result is a peaceful home and a loving relationship.

Many spanked women, including me, find that after a good spanking, their concentration and focus are improved.

Finally, many of us enjoy the ritual that sometimes accompanies a spanking. Done well, a ritual can make the experience more intense, more memorable, and more meaningful.

These ten considerations are not exhaustive. There are no doubt other reasons why people find adult spankings to be valuable. This list is intended to illustrate the broad spectrum of spanko life.

You may have noticed that pain isn't on the list. This omission is intentional. When people think about spankings, it’s easy to get caught up in the physical act. After all, it is pretty mind-blowing to voluntarily lie across your lover’s lap while he repeatedly beats your bare bottom with a wooden board. The pain can be quite intense. No amount of preparation or experience ever changes that reality. But there is also a spiritual aspect that may not be so obvious to those who have yet to experience it. At least at our house, the primary goal of a spanking is not a warm, red, stinging bottom. That outcome is merely an unavoidable byproduct of a more important aim. For reasons I don’t fully comprehend, a well-executed spanking can transport my mind to a different space. It’s an intoxicating blend of euphoria, sexual energy, connectedness, and fulfillment. I suppose this sensation might be compared to a “runner’s high.” I love that place, and in fact, I crave it sometimes.

As I said at the start, there is no one simple answer. But that is not to say there is no answer at all. Each person must seek their own resolution. But for those of us who love this lifestyle, those answers lie close at hand.

Spanking 101: How Hard is Hard Enough?

So you're just starting your spanking relationship. You want the "real" spanking experience, not some inferior imitation. You've received a few whacks here and there. It was fun and a real turn-on, but you're yearning for that traditional tail-warmer. You want your partner to give you more, much more. You sometimes wonder if there's not something special out there that you're missing.

Your partner is a nice enough guy, but he doesn't really understand all this spanking business. He participates because you asked him. He certainly has no idea what to try next. You are going to have to tell him, no doubt in exquisite detail. But that begs the question, what do you truly want?

For someone who is just learning about how spanking can enhance their relationship, these are very natural questions. The answers get right to the bottom of this activity and its appropriate role in our lives. Each couple is likely to define erotic spanking slightly differently. As with intercourse, the act may be the same, but the meaning that people derive from it can vary greatly. In this context, there are few answers that are objectively right or wrong. Each couple must determine what works best for them.

Every couple who tries spanking, or any other new sexual practice, has at least one objective. Hopefully, they don't have two conflicting aims, but that's another discussion. The goal might be foreplay. It could be just be simple curiosity or a desire for variety. Whatever the reason, the immediate result is generally that nice, healthy glow.

As their interests grow, many couples find other, more meaningful purposes. Among these are fulfillment, communication, intimacy, and trust. For most of us, these elements hold the true value inherent in adult spanking. The pain, it turns out, is not an objective at all. Rather, it's merely a byproduct, a means to an end (and a sore end at that!).

The answer, then, to the original question is "it depends." Each of us is different, physically and emotionally. We have different pain tolerances and levels of desire for physical contact. Issues like how hard and how many are important only in regard to meeting our own individual needs. What is insufficient for one person may be excessive for another. While it can be interesting and fun to compare experiences with others, the details are often not as instructive as they might seem.

The key is to keep in mind what you hope to achieve through your spankings. If this subject is not a part of your discussions, it should be. Within these bounds, your feelings should guide you. There's nothing wrong with starting slowly. In fact, it's probably beneficial to enjoy each step along the path to a richer relationship. You can always turn up the intensity later.

With time, experience, and communication, your partner will learn what you like and where your limits lie. Considerable skill is required to visit those limits without violating them. The reward, however, for both participants, is well worth the effort.

In summary, here are some suggestions for finding your level:

• Know what you want
• Clearly communicate your needs
• Be open to experimentation
• Share your feelings
• Be willing to admit when things aren't working
• Use a safeword
• Learn from your experiences
• Don't blame your partner
• Recognize and respect your differences
• Celebrate your achievements
• Seek that which is truly valuable to you
• Don't be afraid to make it fun

Enjoy yourselves and happy spanking!