Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 18

Our topic this week was advice for a woman who seeks to experience her first real adult spanking, but do so in a safe and private manner. Here are your thoughts.

Playful Little Brat: Kaylynn sounds A LOT like me when I started searching. The first piece of advice I'd give her is to trust her gut. I talked with a lot of people when I was looking for a spanker. I'd almost convince myself that they didn't sound creepy, just because it's something I wanted so badly. BE SAFE. That's super important. Be patient, get to know someone in a public place before anything else happens, and try to tell someone, even if it's a spanko friend, where you'll be and when. You might even set up a "safe call" kind of thing. It could take a long time to find the right person for you, but just go with it. Don't force it, and don't rush it. :)

Mr BB Spanker: I jumped on here to reply and noticed the advice from Playful Little Brat. It was right on the money.

I would add that, no maybes about it, you should have everything in place and all safe calls, safe words, safety protocols, etc. Just going to a coffee or "munch" isn't enough or possibly what everyone does. There are "creepers" there too. Build real friendships first. Get many views from several people and sources. Safety is the area to research long before searching for a spanker.

And then sometime in the future, I hope you find a wonderful person to help you, Kaylynn. :)

Prefectdt: This is advice that I normally give to men but I can see no reason why it is not just as valid for women. It is expensive but I would recommend that someone in this situation should seek out a professional disciplinarian of good repute. With the Internet, it is relatively easy to find one with good references from clients and anonymity will be respected.

This way, a first time spankee can be assured that they find out what a spanking is like from someone who is genuinely well experienced and will not intone any hidden sexual desires into the play. The spankee can find out if they really like to be spanked or prefer fantasizing about it (nothing wrong with either of those, but it is important to find out which category you fit into).

I did not use the services of professionals during my early years of play and admit that I was a bit biased against those who did. But since employing the services of these people, I have realized what good experience and advice I had missed out on so many years ago.

Young Lady: In my unknowledgeable opinion, you should seek out someone as if you were just dating and getting to know someone. If it's someone you wouldn't trust in a different situation, then it's not someone you want in that place in your life. :)

Keiter: It strikes me that so many people are searching for a special someone to spank them, and so many others are searching for a special someone that would get off on being spanked, all in silence. I'm a rookie in the latter category who wishes there was a dating service to put one plus one together in simple math.

SpankSeek is a site dedicated to matching spanking partners. I haven't visited, but it's operated by our longtime friend, Bethie.

Belle L: I have to agree with Young Lady. In this day and age, it is wise to be cautious about being in any kind of vulnerable situation. I don't know whether you are even looking for a relationship. If you are not, I would think (but don't know), that Prefectdt's suggestion would be the choice. As a Christian, I can't even believe that I would suggest that, but if it's gonna happen anyway, it sounds safer. I guess it would be like going to a doctor. The problem would be, if you decided that is what you liked, you would still be at square one. I would think patience, caution, attraction, and love would be best, first. Just my opinion. God Bless You and all you love and loves you.

Jenny: I think you will mostly find creepers in the online spanking sites. If a guy is "really into it" online, he's probably "really, really into it" in real life. You are only "into it" in fantasy at this point. So it's likely to be a mismatch. But, among all the creepers, there may be a jewel or two. There might be someone who has done a lot of this and understands where you are and what you want and can take, physically and emotionally.

I agree with others that you should meet in public first (absolutely) and that you should go with your gut. What vibe do you get from the guy at that meeting? Be honest. If you get any bad feelings, don't meet up again. Don't give any personal information other than perhaps a first name. You may want to ask to see his driver's license and take down his info. If his intentions are safe, he should not mind. You are the one who is going to be in a vulnerable position. We get a false sense of intimacy from online chats, but you really know nothing about an online “friend.”

Having said all that, I still think it is easier to convert a vanilla or hope that someone you meet through other means happens to have at least a passing interest in paddling. Maybe your next boyfriend would be willing to spank a bit with his hand and a round leather paddle if you promise him a special treat afterwards. Men may have a reputation for being extremely sexual and perhaps crude, but the ones I have met are only kinky in terms of their own pleasure. So if he's a vanilla, it may take some convincing to get him to do something that is 90% for your pleasure.

Web-Ed: First, you should heed all the safety warnings the others have brought up. Then I would try in order:

1. Convert your "vanilla" boyfriend if possible. Some men can't be converted, but the benefits of getting spanked by someone you already know and trust make it worth the attempt.

2. If you don't have a boyfriend or he can't be converted, there are a number of sources of spanking personal ads, although I personally don't have a great deal of confidence in this approach. It has worked out for other people though, so it's worth a try if you remember that safety considerations are especially critical if you go this route.

3. Consider spanking parties. The advantage here is that the men should be pre-screened. The disadvantage is that most newbies will find the prospect of going to a party where everyone knows your secret to be simply too embarrassing.

S.N.M.: I suggest that you go on dates and bring up spanking as soon as it feels comfortable to do so.

Joeyred: I agree with most of the advice about safe play. I suggest that you find a female spankee/bottom with whom you can correspond online. Find someone who you can communicate with and who has experience.

If you find someone who is local to you, they may have a friend who they trust.

I know several people who have found themselves in "bad" situations. It is better to err on the side of caution.

Hermione: The other readers have all given excellent advice, and I can only add an observation. The procedure you follow to find a spanker would probably be quite different depending upon where you live. If you are in a large urban centre, there are plenty of professionals, spanking parties, organized groups and opportunities to meet fellow spankos. In a small rural town, not so much.

S: My suggestion is to not try the obvious sources. Relying on classified ads, Internet sites, or dodgy clubs are asking for trouble. Find a man, and when you know him well, decide whether you can trust him (see the recent MBS brunch on trust).

I had been hankering for a spanking for ages, then I met D. We got on very well. I thought, “This could be the one.” I started wearing tight skirts and jeans, and bending over near him, or letting my ripe bum brush against him. It attracted the odd pat and squeeze. D was a 'bottom man' I hoped. Finally I said for some reason,"OO, I am a naughty girl." D grinned. "And naughty girls get spanked, don't they?" In a flash, I found myself over his lap with his hand slapping my thinly skirted bottom. It didn't sting much, but the ice was broken, and it became a regular event, until one day the full skirt I had on was tossed up, and his hand started landing on my thin silk knickers. That stung much more! I loved it. Then, of course at last, I felt his hand on the waist of my panties, and down they came to my stocking tops. My heart raced, This was what I had dreamt about as finally a large hard male hand landed smartly on my plump bare female bottom. That really smarted, and when he let me up, my bottom was burning, stinging, and scarlet, and I was very excited. We never looked back.

Our Bottoms Burn: I once strongly advocated all the advice about playing safe. That said, why should meeting a spanker be inherently unsafe? Do we think that spankers may be more of a physical threat than the guy you met that works in the same office building?

I am not suggesting that you throw caution to the wind, only that meetings can be conducted like any first date. I think Young Lady said it just right.

Anastasia Vitsky: The advice already given is great, and I can't add much to it. I would just say that it is VERY important to be careful and go slowly.

Bonnie: I cannot speak from experience on this question, but I know friends who can. I think if you were to write either Indy or Lea, they could share lots of relevant wisdom gained through personal experience. They're nice. I promise.

Best wishes to you, Kaylynn. I hope you'll stop back and share your story.

Thanks, everyone, for joining our brunch conversation!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Jan 3

Our topic this week was changes we recommend. Here are your thoughts.

Jslittlelady: We're fairly new and it's really easy to get distracted and busy, but I'm determined to keep us on track by keeping up on my blog, reading others more and then discussing things with J. This keeps it at the forefront of our minds and keeps us open to each other. Since we're so new, we really haven't tried too much yet. We're experimenting with implements and we've talked about doing it more for fun and experimenting with location because we've pretty much used spanking for DD rather than for play. I'm sure it's nothing new, but that's what we're doing.

Welcome, Jslittlelady! I'm glad you joined us. Any relevant experience is new to someone and therefore worthy of mention.

Daisy: Davey and I have still not been able to actually BE together yet (despite our first wedding anniversary looming in three months time, we have not been in the same country since our honeymoon!). As a result, it's rather difficult to be moving on/making alterations to our spank-life!

In order for your spankings to evolve/become more effective, you have to be able to participate! I will be interested in reading all the replies, however, so we can "hit the ground running" when we ARE together!

PK: I want to speak to the women just coming out, just realizing themselves that they want to try a DD marriage. Many of us thought about this for years before we brought it up to our husbands. It can get downright annoying when they don't jump on it right away. I think many men are taken completely by surprise. Where many of them are willing to try spanking to spark up the old sex life, many don't really understand the whole DD concept and they are very hesitant. This can lead to misunderstandings and sometimes hurt feelings.

I think we need to give men the chance to get used to what we are telling them. Even though some of us emotionally crave discipline (being cared for), we need to let our men explore spanking in whatever way they need to get comfortable with it. Then, hopefully, we can gradually explain some of what we need. Maybe we get tired of the word 'communicate,' but it can't be said enough. It's the most important thing we can do whether we spank for fun, as erotic play or for discipline. Keep talking!

Poppy: My tip would be that words matter. They set the tone. The man in my life knows this and it makes a huge difference. If he wants me to be sorry for something, then he could spank me until Tuesday with no impact. He has to make that mental link and then I am all his.

RPT (Fred Bloggs): If you think that you would like to be spanked, but have never tried it, then make 2010 the year you ASK your partner to spank you.

It's all about communicating your desires. So ask.

Hermione: The best advice I have received from my readers that I would like to pass along to yours, is to talk to your partner about what you would like. When done in a friendly, positive, upbeat and non-judgmental way, the results can be amazing. It sometimes isn't easy to talk about spanking, and it takes practice, but it gets easier each time, and is well worth the effort.

I have also discovered that treating a spanking less seriously and being able to laugh and joke about it - before, after, and especially during one - makes it more fun for both of us, and draws us closer together.

Katia: My advice for couples starting a new DD relationship is don't try to base yours upon what other couples practice. It causes regrets and expectations that will only frustrate you. Just let it take its course. DD relationships are unique, and eventually will form to suit the specific couple.

Prefectdt: As I do not have a regular spanking partner and it can often be a few months between spankings, I have instituted a program of self-spanking. I do not enjoy this, but it keeps the old hide in condition and ready for a real spanking. I recommend this practice to anyone who has to wait a long time between spankings, like myself. A spanking after two or three months of not being touched at all can be difficult to take and the self-spanking takes the shock out of the real events.

Jean Marie: Spankings are enjoyable, effective, a part of our lives as is. No embellishment is needed. Now, as has been continually said, open communication is essential. To put Tabasco sauce on an already spicy dish, a new implement or gadget is always fun. We had gravitated away from anal play in our spanking fun recently, so the Christmas gift of a string of anal beads was much appreciated inspiration.

My advice would be like Nike: "Just Do It." Or like they advise in Kentucky about elections, "Do it early and often."

I hear that theory is also popular in Chicago

Our Bottoms Burn: What Hermione said. I could not improve on her words.

Ronnie: By talking more about spanking, better communication has brought about more experimentation, different implements and harder spankings.

It's much better when each person knows how far the other wants to go or is prepared to experiment. There are sensations that we would have otherwise missed out on. I now know that would have been a great pity.

Anon #1: What does the title of your blog mean? I am sure it is some kind of play on words and I know that a good joke should not be explained, but for the benefit of your foreign readers, would you be so kind to enlighten us?

Welcome! My Bottom Smarts is actually a quadruple entendre. Bottom can mean either the part of the anatomy on which one sits or someone who is submissive. Smarts can refer to either a residual discomfort or knowledge gained through experience. Any of the four permutations describes what one might find on the blog.

Anon #2: I suggest a whole wonderful week of spankings - morning and night - yum!

Dr. Ken: The biggest change I would make is to actually GET a spanking partner this year!

Bonnie: I like all of the answers regarding communication, play, experimentation, patience, laughing, and practice, practice, practice. My response, though, is similar to Katia's. I regularly hear from readers who ask detailed questions about how Randy and I handle various situations. I'm glad to share our experience, but I advise couples that their chances of success will be much higher if they discover and refine their own formula. Every person and every relationship is different. There is no solution that is “right,” except perhaps in the context of one couple's lives.

Thanks to everyone who joined us for brunch! See you next week.

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 1

Our topic this week was advice for a new mother who is seeking to re-kindle her spanking relationship with her husband. Here are your words of wisdom.

Todd and Suzy: We've had times when spankings were an everyday part of our lives, and other times when it's been several weeks. We do tend to talk about spanking quite a bit though, even during those dry spells. That seems to be the number one thing we do to keep the interest going. Beyond that, we do things like get new implements, watch videos, talk with like-minded friends, blog, read stories, and go to parties. Basically, we keep spanking at least in the background.

If you're thinking and talking about it as a couple, actual spankings will flow naturally. While doing things like planning out free time certainly helps, spanking doesn't seem like the sort of thing that can be forced. As for whether it will go away if you leave it alone, that depends upon the person. We've seen people walk away from spanking and seemingly not miss it. Others couldn't give it up, even when they very much wanted to.

Indy: Earlier this year, a rather horrific tragedy occurred in my family. That certainly curtailed my desire for quite a while. I continued to play a little with my regular partners, mostly just for the reassurance of human touch rather than because I really wanted to be spanked. I even attended a couple parties in that time, mainly to see friends who I knew were concerned about me.

In that time, I didn't try anything new or push limits very much. I just enjoyed the endorphin rush and the stress relief. A couple of months later, I found myself REALLY wanting a spanking in a way that I hadn't in a quite a while. So I think keeping my bottom in it with not particularly challenging spanking play, filled with chatting and laughter, helped a lot.

Anon #1: You re-kindle your activity in this form of intimacy just as you do in any other form of intimacy. What works for you there should be tried here. Sometimes, just going out for a night on the town, with no intimacy or its pressures, establishes a feeling of closeness between a couple. The next day, when you both are warm and fuzzy inside, it's OK to sit over coffee or tea and talk about what is and is not happening in your lives. Good luck. Keep the lines of communication open. Life throws you its barriers. It's up to you and your partner to climb over, dig under or run around them.

Caylee: I think there needs to be a sense of easing back into spanking for it to work again. If you just bend over your husband’s lap and he starts whacking away, the pressure of thinking “I used to like this! Why aren’t I liking this now?” will prevent you from fully enjoying the experience. Instead of being a stress reliever, it’s just piling on more. Somehow, it seems like you need to relax before you start spanking. Something like an intimate massage with a couple of smacks thrown in might help, or a warm bath together beforehand. Anon #1's idea about the night on the town was an awesome one – anything out of the ordinary and romantic would be wonderful.

Also, for what it’s worth, having a new baby in the house can’t exactly be helping the stress levels. Getting a close friend or family member to babysit might do wonders, even if it’s just for a couple of hours while you and your husband reconnect without interruptions. In any case, I think the fact that you wish spanking was present in your life means that the desire is just dormant, not gone forever. Good luck, and best of wishes to you, your husband, and the new baby!

Maryann: You recently had a baby. Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself and to your husband. You both need every kindness you can get. A new baby is a wonderful blessing, but also a tremendous undertaking.

When I was nursing a tiny baby, I barely wanted to be touched by anybody else. All of my touch needs were met by the baby. I pushed my husband away.

When I was ready, as it sounds like you are since you are asking the question, I made a choice to put the baby in the swing or the playpen more often. We got out of the house with her in her stroller or car seat a bit more. Basically I just made sure I wasn't saturated with touch when my husband came home. In short order, we were touching each other again.

You'll be fine. Just be kind to yourself.

Muffin: There are lots of good comments here. I'm with Maryann. When I had my babies, I discovered that I didn't want to be bothered, either. There was a sense of needing to find "places" for everybody in the household again. My (then) husband was jealous of the time I spent with the baby, and I was angry about that. So take your time, let everyone settle into their place in the home. As Anon #1 said, get alone together for some private time. Go with any intimate touch, and reassure your husband that you haven't gone off spanking permanently. It'll probably come back to you. I find that my own spanking desire comes in waves or cycles. When I was pregnant the first time was when I "came out" to my first husband (who was vanilla, and was horrified when I asked him to spank me." But after the baby came, I couldn't have been bothered! Life changes do affect your spanking desires. Best wishes and congrats on the new baby!

Prefectdt: I once tried to give up the lifestyle, for about three years. In doing this, I burnt a lot of bridges and upset some people by totally cutting off from them. This was a mistake. It would be only natural that you may need to get away from kinky friends and groups right now, but it it is probably better to do it with tact. This way, you know that they will be there later if you want them.

Anon #2: I have no advice other than the basic communicate well and often. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your family, though.

Dr. Ken: Interest in spanking can ebb and flow, depending upon what life throws at you. At some point, it usually does come back. You just have to ride it out and give it time.

You can't "force" it, though. Forcing it just might turn your play partner off and make playing with you the last thing they want to do. You both need to work your way through this new situation and get used to a new routine. Eventually, you can find your way back to some of your old beloved routines.

Brat: As one who has never had a baby, I would be the last one to be able to offer an empathetic response. However, you and I have one thing in common. We can both put our feelings into the written word (in my case, better than the spoken word!). I suggest that you write down your feelings/desires and leave the paper in a place where he will see it. Reading that will give him insight, and a man with insight is truly a beautiful creature!

Bonnie: I believe it's very likely you can achieve the change you seek, but it probably needs to be a gradual process. The improvement begins with a few small things. Consider a favorite meal, a gentle touch, an unexpected kiss, words of praise, or a good morning smile. The second step, as so many other have mentioned, is opening lines of communication. You need to talk regularly about adult subjects (yes, the baby IS cute, but there needs to be room for other conversations).

Hopefully, intimacy will naturally happen from there. If it doesn't, you might try scheduling an evening for romance. One of the great features of (most) newborns is that once they are warm, happy and full of milk, they tend to fall asleep and remain that way for a while. You'll learn soon enough that older kids aren't nearly so predictable.

I wish you both the very best and I hope you are able to live your dreams. A baby is a huge responsibility and a continuing distraction, but I can assure you that there are plenty of parents who manage to keep the home fires burning.

Thank you all for sharing your excellent advice!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Jan 18

Our topic this week was reactions to an advice column. The question came from a young woman who wanted to remain a virgin, but had an interest in experimenting with spanking. I think our advice was a lot more relevant that that provided by the columnist.

Janeen: Wow, that's really a tough one. It’s tough because if she does find a spanker who agrees to even a fully clothed OTK spanking (the mildest spanking I can think of) with no sexual strings attached, I'm afraid that it may be very tempting for her. I'm assuming her interest in spanking is a sexual turn-on for her though, so I could be way off here.

I would suggest an older, more experienced spanker, possibly someone who would seem like an authority figure to her, and therefore off limits.

I'm afraid, though, that the experience she's really craving will not manifest itself, and her desires will not be met.

If she is saving her virginity for a future special someone, I really think that until she makes that special connection with someone, and is completely secure and comfortable with the relationship, she will find that any other spanking situation does not fulfill her desires.

In a roundabout way, I'm trying to say, if her virginity is as precious to her as I think it is, then this is of equal importance and it should maybe be put off until she finds the intimate, fulfilling relationship of the future.

Of course, if she already has that relationship, but is perhaps waiting until marriage to consummate the relationship, then as I said earlier, the spanking may be way too tempting.

I feel for her, and wish her the best of luck.

Janeen, it's wonderful to see you again. Welcome back!

Daisy: I get what she is saying and I can identify with it. I read the answer and understood what he was saying. But boy, did he do it the long way round! What a load of bulls!

I would say to her, that there is no need to tell every prospective bf that she is a virgin. This excites them and they want to be the one to break her, so to speak. It’s best to keep that to herself. If they are only dating her to get laid, that’s their problem when she says no, as long as she has not been leading them on! She should date carefully, take things slowly, and not even get them into sexy conversations until she has confidence in the strength of the relationship. As for spanking, I would say, curb those desires until she has a steady partner she trusts. She is not averse to petting, it seems, but does not want full sex until she is in a very committed relationship. I am 51 this year, and have always lived that way too. Hence, I have only ever known my husband intimately, and my new fiance, so it’s possible!

The time to tell a man she is a virgin, I would say, is when they are committed to each other, and the subject comes up. He will be chuffed that she waited, and that he is considered the "worthy man."

I think spanking is even more personal and intimate than sex. It is easy for this desire/need to be misunderstood, or for two people's ideas to be way different as to what constitutes a spanking. Much trust is needed between people who wish to incorporate spanking into their lives, and it brings an intimacy that may not have ever been there, even with years of living together! Very good communication is needed, and boy, so many married couples never TALK to each other!

Hermione: The young lady states that when she is physically involved, she also becomes emotionally involved. Spanking produces just as much physical involvement as intercourse, so she shouldn't count on being able to remain detached. Also, losing her virginity to a caring person with whom she has a relationship is a lot different from losing it to a stranger who gets her drunk and then takes advantage. As an aside, finding out whether a companion is interested in spanking prior to making a commitment is as important as ensuring compatibility in other ways.

I would suggest that if she truly wants to experience spanking only, she should consider an older, experienced top, and lay out the ground rules right at the start. As for how to find such a person, attending a spanking party might provide the opportunity.

Kallisto: There have been some good comments already. I also thought a spanking party might be the answer. Barring that, I think she might be wise to wait, as she doesn't seem to realize just how erotic spanking can be.

Jean Marie: As people have said, TALKING it over is crucial. The advice guy at Salon.com missed the mark because she may be able to find a sensitive top with whom she could reach some understanding. Perhaps mutual masturbation after the spanking session would satisfy all parties while keeping her virginity intact. But something more needs to be said. As a school teacher, I mentor a student teacher every semester. It gives me a good indication of the mindset of early twenty-something women. I've been amazed at how many of these women think that giving head and even receiving anal sex does not constitute "sex." So virginity is an open-ended term that needs to be defined.

I'd tell her to take it one small step at a time, and to enjoy the journey.

Andrades Girl: What a fascinating and complex question. I wish the person who wrote the question could come here and read all of the great answers that you have gotten already. A few questions come to my mind. What does it mean for her to remain a virgin? She says she likes kissing and touching, but touching is a very generic answer. Does it mean all other forms of sex, but not intercourse? Does she want to experience the spanking only for discipline and not at all for the sensory and erotic feel of it? For me (and I am not speaking for anyone else), even though I am very interested in the discipline side of spankings, I don't think I could separate out the erotic nature of a spanking, especially if the panties are removed. I think Hermione’s advice is excellent. Finding an older experienced man who will just spank her might really help start this journey. I also think she needs to do some more research, read some spanking stories, find some spanking blogs, and read some articles of yours.

Zille: Oh, wow, that poor woman!

I was sort of going along with that advice during the whole “carrying a bottle of nitroglycerin through the streets of Pamplona during the running of the bulls” thing, and his take was interesting on how guys deal with becoming the physically superior of the sexes (I’ll have to ask my Master if he agrees or not), but when I got to the long rant about how dangerous power exchange play is, I just got increasingly annoyed.

Has this guy never heard of BDSM (either Safe Sane and Consensual or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink)?! I mean, there’s a huge community in the US alone which has been set up to take power exchange activities like spanking, and make them less like a kid playing with fire, and more like an adult making a fire in a fireplace (there’s still a risk of burning down your house, but you have been taught how to make it as safe as possible – I could take the comparison further by saying that, if you don’t clean out your chimney it’s the same risk – i.e. more likely to burn down the house – as not being self-aware and cleaning out your and emotional baggage before you do kinky activities).

I would advise this gal to hie herself down to the local BDSM group! Learn about how communication is taught and stressed in BDSM relationships, and then look for someone who wants to spank her, but is okay with not getting sex in the mix. (Is she okay with blow-jobs, I wonder, because that could fix a lot of problems!) Note that she wouldn’t even have to date someone in “the scene.” Once she had learned the ways that BDSM folk have learned to communicate their desires and dislikes (and their emotional boundaries, and lots of other handy things!), then she could explain those things to potentially anyone she liked, and if they “got it,” they would be much safer to run around with, “carrying a bottle of nitroglycerin.”

Hells, this man didn’t even mention safewords, which is just an amazing concept, and has spilled over from the BDSM community to other kinky communities, even a number of vanilla people know about it.

So, to me, this gal’s problem isn’t at all involving nitroglycerin or bulls. It’s easily fixed by dating people who will use safewords, and who have learned how to communicate their desires – i.e., many of the people in the BDSM community – or just learning from the BDSMers how to have your virginity and have kinky play, too!

Tiggs: I can't help but agree that she should wait, at least until she has a trusted friend whom she could ask to spank her. Trust and limits are the two biggest factors in making spanking (and sex, too) a good thing. And they are also the two things that can destroy the beauty of it all.

Communication is also necessary, open communication from both parties involved, so each person knows and respects implicitly the rights and wants of the other. Without that, it simply isn't worth the risks!

But trust issues are big for me right now out here in cyberia, as you can easily see by my post today. So this question raised now, in this way, just sent up big flashing warning signs! Maybe bigger than usual, but I think I'd still have replied the same way on any other day.

Jo the Mama: Load of bulls, ha!

I think the idea of experimenting with someone she knows and trusts is good. I’m not sure about all the dire rape warnings though.

I'm also a bit mystified by the idea that there is casual sex with drunken strangers, or sex with the man you marry, and no middle ground? What about long term relationships that don't lead to marriage? This is a good way to get to know yourself.

I think what she's talking about can lead to divorce... Practicing relationships is good.

Hi, Jo, and welcome!

Lucy: This is actually a very timely topic for me. About a year after Jekyll and I split up, I met Simon online. We talked for a while and agreed to meet. I realized that although spanking is obviously a sexual turn on for me, I had no desire to take this relationship into a sexual realm. We met several times and didn't go any farther than spanking. We got along well as friends, which I think helped, but it definitely felt like something was missing when it ended there. I am still a virgin and while I don't necessarily intended to stay that way long term, I have no intention of losing it to someone with whom I'm in such a casual relationship.

With Jekyll, we were so young that it was perfectly acceptable to "do everything but." The relationship also started as vanilla, so spanking wasn't an issue when we first met.

I would say that it is possible to experience spanking without sex, but for people with a sexual interest in spanking, one tends to lead to the other, or at the very least makes us wish we could have sex. I would say that, if she does decide to pursue this, to be careful and make sure that it is understood that sex is not part of the bargain.

Indy: I agree with the advice to seek a local spanking group or to go to a spanking party. While I'm sure sex goes on behind the scenes at such parties, it is emphatically not the default option. Attending such parties and talking to experienced female tops would be a good way for the questioner to identify appropriate tops for her.

Going to such a party would provide an education for the columnist, too.

The older, experienced top option isn't a bad idea in itself, but she should proceed cautiously. There are plenty of self-appointed "experts" out there whose counsel is definitely best avoided.

Texringer: Daisy said my thoughts very well. "As for spanking, I would say, curb those desires until she has a steady partner she trusts." I really think this aspect of sex needs to wait until she's ready for more basic aspects with the right partner.

Before my husband-to-be agreed to try spanking with me, I spent some time looking for a non-sexual spanker. I was looking for a disciplinarian to help keep me on my gym schedule. I don't think there is such a critter. Most of the spankers I "auditioned," so to speak were (reasonably, I admit) sexually aroused by the experience and I wasn't in a situation to participate in that with them. Others who professed to be just the disciplinarian, were all way too into serious BDSM, so that didn't work, either.

As hard as it is to wait for something you really want, I'd advise our young woman to find the right partner first, then explore spanking.

Welcome to you as well, Texringer! Thank you for sharing your experience.

Thoughtful Spanker: In a few ways, I agree with the answer he gave. While it doesn't show a lot of understanding of the people with whom we as a group interact, his advice and comparisons just might apply to a male outside our little circle.

I think he should have hooked her up with one or more of the blogs on your blogroll. Reading and talking things through with experienced spankees and spankers would provide a wealth of information to her.

And I have to agree with Texringer, disconnecting the erotic element from spanking is difficult and, at least for me, a frustrating endeavor.

Bonnie: I could easily write an entire post on this case, but I will try for once to be succinct.

Above all, our friend needs to know herself. What are her core values and priorities? If preserving her virginity is more important than exploring spanking, how willing is she to forgo the latter in favor of the latter? Is spanking inherently sexual (as it is for many of us) or can she effectively separate the two? Would she even consider a spanking from someone who is not on the “husband track.” Is spanking a passing interest or a prerequisite for any future partner? The answers to these questions will largely define the correct next move.

I disagree with the nitroglycerin and running bulls analogy. This young woman is inexperienced, but she’s not reckless. The fact that she thought to inquire (albeit to the wrong expert) before diving in suggests that she is aware of the potential risk. What she needs most is support, understanding, and helpful answers.

If you’re out there, Miss Pragmatic, please consider the wisdom you read here.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your insights!

Spanking 101: Safewords

A loyal reader recently inquired about the subject of safewords. I was about to refer her to an appropriate tutorial when it occurred to me that I hadn't written one yet.

What is a Safeword?

A safeword is a word or phrase used during a spanking to signal the spankee's inability to continue. The safeword is negotiated by the couple in advance and they share a common understanding of its usage and meaning.

In general, when a safeword is invoked, it is an indication of serious trouble on the part of the spankee. In most cases, this is a relatively extreme situation where normal verbal communication might be difficult. The spanker's response should be an immediate halt to all spanking activities and focused attention upon her physical safety and emotional welfare (please substitute roles and genders as necessary for your situation).

Why a Safeword?

There are a variety of opinions about safewords. Many spankos believe they are absolutely indispensable and spanking without one is hazardous. On the opposite side, others claim that invoking a safeword constitutes "topping from the bottom." From this perspective, granting control to the spankee during a discipline session interferes with the lesson being delivered. Between these two divergent views, there are many shades of grey.

Randy and I believe in safewords. Ours is "Red." In twenty plus years, I’ve used it only a few times, but on those occasions, I was very grateful for this escape hatch. I recall once being suddenly overcome by what turned out to be a digestive virus. Another time, the position I was in caused my back to spasm.

Randy knows me very, very well. Most times, he can read my emotions during a spanking session at least as well as I can. Once in a great while, though, wires can get crossed. Were it not for our safeword, my health and safety could have been jeopardized. That’s why I recommend that every couple have a safeword, even if it’s never employed.

In the case of a punishment spanking, I would expect that the full measure of discipline would still be administered at a suitable later time. In any case, I feel that having, using, and respecting a safeword is an important element in protecting a vulnerable submissive.

Choosing an Appropriate Safeword

Should you determine that you want a safeword, the first task is to select one. An ideal safeword is short, unique, unambiguous, and easy to remember. It should be a term that wouldn't normally be used during a spanking. I once heard of a couple who claimed that "ouch" was their safeword. Were Randy and I to adopt that practice, I would miss out on a whole lot of good spanking! An unusual word is a better selection.

The safeword can be as obvious as "Uncle" or even "Safeword." Or it can be something obscure, so long as the spankee can always remember it and the spanker will always recognize it.

Using the Safeword

A good safeword is like insurance. It's valuable, even if it's never needed. Simply knowing the safeword is available spurs many a spankee to greater confidence and an increased willingness to experiment.

Yet, a safeword is worthless without trust to back it up. Obviously, the spankee must trust that her partner will honor her use of the safeword and believe that she truly is in distress. She must trust that he will aid and protect her.

But trust flows in the opposite direction as well. The spanker must trust that his partner is not invoking the safeword frivolously or with intent to manipulate. This sort of trust and mutual understanding takes time. It develops through shared experiences and open communication.

When a spankee speaks her safeword, spanking and all other play should come to an abrupt halt. At that moment, her safety and well-being become paramount. If necessary, first aid should be administered. For more serious situations, timely medical attention should be sought. It would be embarrassing to reveal the type of play you enjoy, but if the alternative is a serious injury, this must be endured. The chances are that no such issues will arise, but it's best to be prepared.

As beneficial as a safeword can be, it's no silver bullet. Nor is it a substitute for open communication. A spankee is often praised for accepting her strokes without resistance. When she is feeling submissive and in the zone, pain can become a secondary consideration. In many cases, this is a positive experience.

However, if she is unable to recognize the seriousness of her situation or express it verbally, this can be a problem. Again, trust is essential. If the spanker believes it is warranted, he has an obligation to ask his partner whether she wishes to use her safeword or simply bring the proceedings to a conclusion.

Summing Up

Most spanko couples don't engage in activities that are inherently hazardous. The likelihood of a serious injury is relatively small. However, even playful spankings can result in accidents. In my view, a safeword is a simple and worthwhile precaution.

Beyond the intrinsic value of having a pre-arranged signal, a discussion of safewords leads quite naturally into other valuable topics such as limits, expectations, and responsibilities. This type of dialogue and the understanding it fosters not only enhances play, but also benefits the relationship as a whole.

Have fun and be safe!

Spanking 101: Talking with Your Partner

This essay grew out of a recent e-mail exchange with a reader who was having trouble convincing her partner to spank her. I thought these points might be helpful for other MBS readers.

For the sake of clarity, I will assume that a male spanker is reluctant to spank his female partner. I invite you to substitute genders, roles, or level of interest as fits your circumstance. However, some combinations, particularly those involving an unwilling spankee, may be considerably more problematic than the scenario described here.

Below are ten points to consider should you decide to raise the subject of spanking with a presumably vanilla partner.

1. Incorporating spanking into an existing relationship can be very difficult. This message was conveyed very clearly during a brunch we held last summer. Individuals are complex and so are their needs and desires. It's unusual for two people to always be on the same page, especially when their relationship is evolving. It's quite natural that partners will have differing levels of interest. The first step toward enhancing your relationship is to accept and respect your differences.


2. Sometimes, things go wrong. It's relatively common for one partner to misinterpret the other's words, acts, or intentions. In the process, feelings can be hurt and trust can be damaged. The challenge is to recognize problems as they arise and deal with them at the time. This means lots of open communication including the sharing of concerns, fears, disappointments, desires, and aspirations. If both partners have the same, or at least compatible, expectations, the opportunity for future misunderstandings will be reduced.


3. There is no silver bullet and one size never fits all. I wish someone could simply lay out a cookbook approach to a fantastic relationship. Unfortunately, that's impossible. What works well for one couple may be a disaster for another, and vice versa. Ultimately, you must chart your own path to success.


4. As you approach your partner, please keep in mind that while you've had this concept in the back of your mind (or maybe the front) for a long time, the idea of spanking is less familiar to him. It will likely take time for him to process this information on his own terms. As much as we might like to set timetables, partners work on their own schedules.


5. Please be patient and try not to push too hard or too often. As much fun as a good spanking can be, it's probably not worth damaging your relationship. He may come around with the passage of time. Or perhaps not. Either way, it's important to be an understanding partner.


6. Another issue is that most men are taught from early childhood to never, ever strike any female. This socialization is very beneficial overall, but it may impede your partner's willingness to spank. The only real way around this obstacle is to prove to him that you are not harmed by spankings, and that in fact, they are very positive.


7. If he is inclined to talk, then talk with him. I think a good time is in bed after lovemaking. Both of you are relaxed and feeling very connected. At that moment, he has no pressure to perform and every reason to be open-minded. Be sure to look him in the eyes so that he understands the conviction behind your words.
   
   If he is inclined to read, you might send him links to blog posts that describe the kind of activities you desire. Alternately, if he likes paper, you could print out a few favorites.


8. Don't force the issue. If he agrees to read, give him the space to read or not read as he chooses. If he is eager to discuss the text, then by all means do so. If he says nothing, let the subject drop for a few days before raising it again. Mark my words, if he feels you are pressuring him, he will dig in his heels and your job will become immeasurably more difficult.


9. At least at first, it's best to focus upon the erotic elements of spanking. There's nothing wrong with wanting domestic discipline or heavy BDSM play, but you will be more likely to gain initial acceptance if you keep it light. Spankings are marvelous foreplay. Anything that turns you on is likely to improve his love life too. This is a language most men implicitly understand.


10. Finally, you need not feel alone in your quest. There are lots of spankos who have been precisely where you are. Bloggers and forum members are experiencing or have experienced these challenges. Most are quite willing to share their wisdom. These folks can be an excellent source for advice and support.

If you choose to pursue this course, go forth with caution and forethought. It's not the easiest path, but you might just change both of your lives for the better.

Keywords: spanking, spanking 101, spanking tutorial, talking about spanking, spanking advice