Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Spanking 101: Talking with Your Partner

This essay grew out of a recent e-mail exchange with a reader who was having trouble convincing her partner to spank her. I thought these points might be helpful for other MBS readers.

For the sake of clarity, I will assume that a male spanker is reluctant to spank his female partner. I invite you to substitute genders, roles, or level of interest as fits your circumstance. However, some combinations, particularly those involving an unwilling spankee, may be considerably more problematic than the scenario described here.

Below are ten points to consider should you decide to raise the subject of spanking with a presumably vanilla partner.
  1. Incorporating spanking into an existing relationship can be very difficult. This message was conveyed very clearly during a brunch we held last summer. Individuals are complex and so are their needs and desires. It's unusual for two people to always be on the same page, especially when their relationship is evolving. It's quite natural that partners will have differing levels of interest. The first step toward enhancing your relationship is to accept and respect your differences.

  2. Sometimes, things go wrong. It's relatively common for one partner to misinterpret the other's words, acts, or intentions. In the process, feelings can be hurt and trust can be damaged. The challenge is to recognize problems as they arise and deal with them at the time. This means lots of open communication including the sharing of concerns, fears, disappointments, desires, and aspirations. If both partners have the same, or at least compatible, expectations, the opportunity for future misunderstandings will be reduced.

  3. There is no silver bullet and one size never fits all. I wish someone could simply lay out a cookbook approach to a fantastic relationship. Unfortunately, that's impossible. What works well for one couple may be a disaster for another, and vice versa. Ultimately, you must chart your own path to success.

  4. As you approach your partner, please keep in mind that while you've had this concept in the back of your mind (or maybe the front) for a long time, the idea of spanking is less familiar to him. It will likely take time for him to process this information on his own terms. As much as we might like to set timetables, partners work on their own schedules.

  5. Please be patient and try not to push too hard or too often. As much fun as a good spanking can be, it's probably not worth damaging your relationship. He may come around with the passage of time. Or perhaps not. Either way, it's important to be an understanding partner.

  6. Another issue is that most men are taught from early childhood to never, ever strike any female. This socialization is very beneficial overall, but it may impede your partner's willingness to spank. The only real way around this obstacle is to prove to him that you are not harmed by spankings, and that in fact, they are very positive.

  7. If he is inclined to talk, then talk with him. I think a good time is in bed after lovemaking. Both of you are relaxed and feeling very connected. At that moment, he has no pressure to perform and every reason to be open-minded. Be sure to look him in the eyes so that he understands the conviction behind your words.

    If he is inclined to read, you might send him links to blog posts that describe the kind of activities you desire. Alternately, if he likes paper, you could print out a few favorites.

  8. Don't force the issue. If he agrees to read, give him the space to read or not read as he chooses. If he is eager to discuss the text, then by all means do so. If he says nothing, let the subject drop for a few days before raising it again. Mark my words, if he feels you are pressuring him, he will dig in his heels and your job will become immeasurably more difficult.

  9. At least at first, it's best to focus upon the erotic elements of spanking. There's nothing wrong with wanting domestic discipline or heavy BDSM play, but you will be more likely to gain initial acceptance if you keep it light. Spankings are marvelous foreplay. Anything that turns you on is likely to improve his love life too. This is a language most men implicitly understand.

  10. Finally, you need not feel alone in your quest. There are lots of spankos who have been precisely where you are. Bloggers and forum members are experiencing or have experienced these challenges. Most are quite willing to share their wisdom. These folks can be an excellent source for advice and support.
If you choose to pursue this course, go forth with caution and forethought. It's not the easiest path, but you might just change both of your lives for the better.

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Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader on this site, and I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your blog very much, especially your personal experiences and very much especially the tutorials. And most likely the brunches, once I get around to reading those. They are all helping me to accept the part of me that is a spanko. I'm fairly new to the whole concept, since I've only consciously known that I was "into" spanking for the past year or so. I haven't been spanked since I was a child, and I'm almost scared to be spanked now that I am an adult. I cannot even imagine bringing up the subject to my boyfriend at this point, but this post was informative nonetheless. Fortunately, because of sites with blogs or forums, I am becoming more comfortable with the idea, and your site is becoming the biggest help as I continue to read. Thanks!!


New Beginnings said...

This is wonderful information. Even thought we have been spanking a while all of this is good to hear again.

I hope Maggie is listening!


Anonymous said...

Great information, Bonnie!!!


Paul said...

Bonnie, I think we are going to have to name you "the Angel of the spank-waves". God alone knows how many people you have helped with your Spanking 101's and other articles in MBS.
So a big thank you.
Warm hugs,

MaggieDear said...

Bonnie, Again a very informative post.

PK: See Maggie read. See Maggie print. See Maggie faint! okay ... so I didn't faint. I'm getting there, I'm trying. *sigh*

~Hugs Bonnie, and thanks again :)

dwcmike said...

Bonnie: you have a talent of explaining the spanking gene that we have. I only disagree with #8 saying wait a few days. Every few days bringing up the spanking topic trying to entice your partner into the lifestyle would be too much too often in my mind.
bottoms up

Caryagal said...

Hi Bonnie,

I love your 101's! Looks like we are on the right track. We communicate all the time. I sure wish society hadn't taught him #6! With lots of communication the spankings are slowly getting harder and more where I'm hoping! Your site has made me so much more comfortable being a spanko. You are truely "the angel of the spank waves" as Paul said! I learn more from you guys! It is amazing! Some day I know I'll learn to blog too! :-) Lets see, we've been working on this for hmmm.. .16 years or so now (well we did have a hiatus for a while), we'll get there eventually.. or maybe not. Maybe we will just continue to grow closer and closer together for ever!


Doc said...

Wouldn't it be fun to have a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," for spankos? Bonnie could totally write it. This would be like some of the top subjects.

A'marie said...

Wonderful read. :) (As always.)

Bill still isn't comfortable with the idea of spanking, don't know if he ever will be. Not sure if we will overcome that obstacle, as his father was abusive to his mother, and that's a whole different ballgame.

Anonymous said...

Great advice, Bonnie. Especially about offering reading material. Spanking erotica is a great way to introduce the topic. It can be so-so difficult to explain an interest in spanking. The emotions and feelings that are felt. Sharing a story... tailored to fit... is a good way to get the ball rolling.

~Todd & Suzy

Ashleigh said...

Hi, I'm new here. Maggie sent me in your direction for some advice and I definatly got some! Great post and Great advice!! I'll definatly keep checking out your blog! Keep up the good work!!!


Bonnie said...

Angel - Hi, and welcome!

If this blog has one major theme, it is that being a spanko is not abnormal, unheathy, or weird. Look around and you will find lots of happy, successful, well-adjusted people who happen to enjoy recreational spanking as a fun extension of their love life.

If you have any questions, please feel free to write me and I will gladly assist if I can.

Elis - Thanks!

Tigger - Thank you.

Paul - You're most welcome. This is a topic about which I've wanted to write for a long time. I hesitated because (a) I never had precisely this experience (Randy and I discovered our mutual interest while playing), and (b) the outcome can be very negative should the partner reject such a proposal.

I spent quite a bit of time trying to balance my presentation so as to not inappropriately encourage anyone with genuine reservations, yet provide some hopefully useful insight for those who decide to take the leap.

Maggie - I hope this proves to be helpful, for you especially.

Mike - Thanks. I didn't mean to suggest that the issue should be raised every few days. I should have said to wait a few days after making an initial contact to allow the partner time to process this information.

Carye - Thank you! It's for good folks like you I write this blog.

Here's a spankee secret... If you want your partner to spank harder, but you don't want to say those words, try this. As he is spanking you (presumably lightly), just lie there. Don't move. Don't tense. Don't make any sound. Eventually, he will decide that what he's doing has no effect, and hopefully, turn it up a notch.

If you want to go the comedy route, try an exaggerated stage yawn. This may get you a whole lot more than you bargained for (it does for me!), but it's a fun way to express your wishes in a non-verbal fashion.

Doc - I have a number of books I want to write someday when life is less crazy. The trouble is that I can't see that happening any time soon.

When our daughter left home, I imagined that I would have all of this extra free time. In theory, I do, but it quickly gets filled with other activities, like blogging. Oh well.

A'Marie - I think your challenge is to draw a clear line of demarcation between those bad memories and what happens in your relationship. Make yours an enjoyable expression of love.

There are some partners who simply cannot accept this lifestyle and others who do so only reluctantly. Hopefully, Bill will see the benefits and recognize how different this is from his parents' experience. But as you know all too well, it might not happen.

I wish you both a life of happiness in whatever form it may take.

Todd and Suzy - Thanks!

Ashleigh - Welcome! I'm glad you stopped by. If I can provide any help, please feel free to write me.

I wish you well with your new blog. I just linked it and I plan to add it to my regular rounds.

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