Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Spanking 101: Coping with Contradictions

If you're a spanko like me, you probably find yourself surrounded by confusing contradictions:

Why do I want to be punished when I've done nothing wrong?

Isn't pain generally a bad thing?

I'm a strong, independent person. Why would I want to be spanked like a naughty child?

Can I be both submissive and feminist?

Why would I want to surrender my control?

Our partners don't have it much easier:

I love my partner. Why on earth would I want to hurt her?

How can I be dominant in a society that stresses equality?

Why do these seemingly negative activities improve our relationship?

If we adopt a vanilla perspective, this lifestyle simply doesn't make sense. Seeking pain can't be rational, can it? Purposely acting in an irrational manner is cause to question one's sanity. Right? This argument no doubt seems airtight to most vanilla observers.

However, there are other valid viewpoints. If we remove our cultural blinders, if just for the sake of discussion, we can examine them.

I believe we are on this Earth to love and support one another. There can be no human bond more intimate than that shared by loving partners. The desire for physical contact, and sex in particular, are a natural component of these close partner relationships.

People possess a vast variety of sexual interests and preferences. For example, some individuals are turned on by lingerie. Others view such garments as mere pieces of fabric. Neither perspective is inherently right or wrong, except in the eyes of an individual observer.

Analogously, some people are stimulated by rougher treatment. Spankings, in particular, are a common sexual, emotional, and cultural touchstone. Many people find some part of the experience (or the fantasy) to be sexually stimulating and/or satisfying at some other level.

Spankings can serve to fulfill one's needs and those of one's partner. Under the right conditions, intimate spankings can allow a couple to explore erotic boundaries and deepen their relationship. The very act of spanking is often a bonding experience. Similarly, the power exchange dynamic is attractive to many couples in both sexual and non-sexual contexts.

In this light, many of the contradictions remain, but become largely irrelevant. In my view, a fulfilling relationship trumps societal norms. These cultural constraints apply to us only to the extent we choose to recognize them.

The simplest answer is that if a few well placed swats on the bottom will enrich your lives and energize your relationship, why wouldn't you pursue this opportunity?



little one said...

Another insightful, eloquently stated piece Bonnie. Newbies, and even us seasoned spankos are so lucky to have you to help guide us through our journey. Thank you!

Storm Rider said...

Ya know Bonnie , I beleive you have stated this very well for EVERYONE to understand!Well done Sweety!
(Bet ya 10 swats a lot of them still wont get it!)

Anonymous said...

I know that my hubby & I have asked ourselves those questions. But it's like you said, if spanking is a turn-on for us, then why not do it!!! And I love being spanked!!!


Bonnie said...

Little - Thank you. When I wrote this article, I was concerned about oversimplifying what is clearly a complex topic. At the same time, I didn't want to publish a tome so lengthy it would scare off readers.

I'm glad you liked it.

Storm - Thanks.

Every time I bet for swats, I end up up ended.

Tigger - I agree. If it works for you, then it works. In the final analysis, that's all that really matters.

wind walker said...

excellent post bonnie, and i couldn't agree more with the last paragraph!!

Frankly said...

If the morally prejudiced could just stop preaching and find the courage to be open-minded and hear what we say - and with "we" I mean those who share a preference for spanking related erotism and/or sexuality - then they'd realize what imaginitive, sensible people we really are, and there'd be no necessity left for them to morally condemn us or to label our erotic and/or sexual preferences as perversions.

Important to note is that contemporary psychology has already removed the perversity-label off sado-masochism, which includes spanking, of course; but society is always slow to follow new philosophical and scientific trends, but eventually it has no choice... let us be the explorers and trend-setters in this relatively new field of experience then; and as always, philosophy follows experience, and science is always bound to follow philosophy.

Newsandseduction said...

Great blog!

Bonnie said...

Wind - Thank you!

Frankly - I have no illusions that I can pursuade anyone to change their minds. A little bit of tolerance would be wonderful, but at best, it's a slow process.

My primary audience for the Spanking 101 articles is spankos, and particularly those who are just starting down this path. My goal is to help them to better understand themselves, their partner, and their relationship. Through understanding, I hope, comes familiarity, comfort, and confidence.

I cannot prevent some elements of society from wanting to criticize or condemn us. What I can do is encourage like-minded folks to feel good about who they are. We need not internalize the judgements of others. If we know in hearts what is right, that should be all the confirmation we require.

News - Wow. You came all the way from Nepal to visit my blog. I'm pleased to meet you and glad you stopped by.

Frankly said...

Just to encourage you, though I don't believe that you need much encouragemant, as you've already convincingly proven to be courageous through starting and maintaining this blog, I quote what I consider to be words of wisdom on your part:

"We need not internalize the judgements of others. If we know in our hearts what is right, that should be all the confirmation we require."

Needless to say, but I'll say it anyhow: I couldn't agree more.

CeeCi said...

Bonnie- I read and I read and sometimes I remember things, but not where I read them. I recall a statistic I encountered when I first began exploring submission and spanking. The article stated that 49% of women who had taken a survey about their sexual fantasies said they fantasized about being spanked. I don't recall if there was a statistic of the women who had followed through on their fantasies. So, if half the women I encounter everyday have fantasized about being spanked, then truly, I'm among the lucky ones, my fantasies are coming true.

At first I did ask myself the questions you posed, then I realized that this is as much a part of me as my skin. I love being spanked. I love giving over to my submissive self. I don't have to conquer the world when I'm with MoJo. We're not harming anyone, we're adults pursuing what we enjoy. Every day we become closer. The closeness and communication that comes with our pursuits is something I treasure.

Thank you for a great post.

rivka said...

As I'm sure you noticed on my blog, some of these same thoughts have been on my mind. You made some wonderful points and I really enjoyed reading this.

*g* Screw the norm - hand me a paddle!

Bonnie said...

Frankly - It's not the smoothest road nor the widest, but it does go where I wish to travel.

Hmmm... 49% of women fantasize about being spanked? Could that be right? I have no idea. I kind of hope it is because it would mean that about a quarter of the population has some idea of what we're talking about. As you suggest, it also means that there are a whole lot of women out there who never get to live out their fantasies.

As far as the questions, I think it's natural to ask them. But at some point, one has to decide to what extent the answers really matter. At some point, I decided to give in to the joy I felt. Since then, most of the decisions have been easy ones.

Rivka - I did read your thoughts and I definitely agree!

Frankly said...

It's long been deemed politically incorrect for women to admit that they like getting spankings from men (in fantasy or in reality, and in case of the latter, by choice and safely, I like to add, being a man who despises marital violence), and equally for men to admit that they like giving spankings to women.

I suspect that 49% of women fantasize about being spanked could very well be true, as it mirrors my own experience: half of my longer relationships certainly had an erotic interest in spanking.

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