Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Spanking 101: Your First Spanking

Last year, I presented ten tips for spanking novices. Since then, I’ve wanted to revisit the topic in more detail, and from a slightly different perspective.

A couple’s first spanking might be their most difficult. Partners may have different expectations and levels of interest. It’s quite natural to be nervous. There are so many unanswered questions:
  • How much will it hurt?
  • Will this help or harm our relationship?
  • Is this the first step toward heavy bondage and discipline?
  • Should we adopt dominant and submissive roles?
  • Am I betraying my gender?
  • Is it ever OK to hit a woman?
The best strategy, I think, is one that places the focus squarely where it belongs. What matters most is the couple and their relationship. Spanking is beneficial only if it enriches the lives of both partners. For a first spanking, we will place this consideration above all others.

A mutually enjoyable spanking experience requires a little bit of forethought and planning. Yes, I know it’s not as exciting as a spontaneous spanking session, but if this first one goes well, there might be plenty more to follow. It’s OK to talk about these topics. Really! No one can read minds, and if you want your partner to understand what you’re thinking, you must share those thoughts and ideas.

As important as it is to talk, listening is even more essential. Your partner will probably tell you whether they like your plan. In the event that they hesitate or even reject it, fear not. Perhaps they will offer a reasonable alternative. At this moment, it is to your advantage to be flexible. Please remember that there are many paths to your destination.

When you decide to try a first spanking, the setting is very important. Plan to be as far from distractions as is practical. Try to choose a time when both partners are feeling relaxed, energetic, and open-minded. Make sure to allow plenty of time for whatever might follow.

The prelude to the spanking should be loving and reassuring. The spankee should feel as though she is adored and appreciated. The spanker should feel as though he is honored and beloved. Kisses, stroking hair, tender touches, and sweet words all reinforce these feelings of connectedness and unity.

When it is time for the spanking, select a position that will be both intimate and comfortable for both partners. I recommend that the spanker sit at the edge of a bed or on a couch with the spankee draped across his lap. In this position, both her upper torso and legs are well supported. Her bottom is also nicely presented.

Rather than starting right in with swats, it’s often nice to further set the mood by rubbing the bottom using a slow, circular motion. For many spankees, including me, this kind of touching is a tremendous turn-on. I particularly like the feel of a hand moving over the back of my skirt and perhaps occasionally diving underneath to add to the arousal. Should the spankee begin to roll her hips, she’s definitely ready.

Any real spanking should hurt, but that’s not the primary goal this first time. We’re instead aiming for erotic stimulation. Don’t drive through your swats, but let them dance lightly on the surface. Redden the skin, but try not to bruise it. A hand should suffice and even then, avoid full force blows. Teach her to love the sensations of stinging and warmth. Talk as you spank and tell her what a tremendous turn-on it is to finally feel her across your lap.

For the spankee, it’s vital to express yourself as well. Tell him what you need, what you want, what you like, and what you don’t. That’s the best way for him to learn and refine his technique.

A few dozen light to moderate whacks should suffice for this first spanking. Again, you will hopefully get more chances to experiment in the future. When the spanking is over, the spanker should embrace his partner and ensure that she feels truly loved. This sets the stage for wonderful aftercare experiences in the future.

Many couples find spankings to be sexually arousing and an excellent form of foreplay. In this situation, lovemaking quite naturally follows a spanking. For us, spankings are the ultimate aphrodisiac. The resulting sex represents a welcome completion, a dénouement. It’s certainly not required, but I do recommend it.

Once the excitement dies down, you may wish to talk about your experiences. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to try next time? How could the session be better? In those answers lies a roadmap to years of erotic spanking fun.

Speaking of fun, a spanking doesn’t have to be serious or clinical. It’s fine to be yourself, laugh, or act silly. Keeping things light removes some of the pressure to make everything perfect.

I hope your first spanking is a wonderful experience for both of you! Best wishes, and please let me know how everything works out in the end.

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A.S.S. said...

Great tips... agree with every word. Most important is a "couple's fist spanking"... not just a first ever spanking. For a spanko with some experience, it might be easy to go from the basic 'wants'... straight into an advanced spanking with a new partner. Mistake! Still should start slow and have tons of communication.

-Todd & Suzy

Anonymous said...

Where were you when we were getting started? I'm so glad there's a site like yours for newbies to feel comfortable!!


bella said...

Talking about the spanking beforehand is a great form of mental foreplay. In addition to communicating expectations, needs and wants, it builds anticipation. I love that.


Anonymous said...

Great advice, Bonnie!!! And fun spankings are the best!!!


Lily said...

Fantastic advice as usual.

Take care,



Anne Elizabeth said...

Excellent, excellent, excellent article Bonnie ! And every word was very true ! Thank you !
Anne Elizabeth

Grace said...

Wow, I wish I this list had been available when I was starting out. You've thought of everything!

Thanks again for educating the masses!


Paul said...

I wish you had been around when we started. Our start was was a bit clumsy and we both ended up laughing, a not too bad start.
Very good spanking 101 Bonnie, thanks a lot.

MaggieDear said...

Thanks for the 101. Now I know what to look forward to since I've yet to have my first one. Heck, I haven't even told him I want one yet.

New Beginnings said...

Well I am one of the lucky ones! Your spanking 101 posts were some of the first things I asked Nick to read. It helped so much!! All newbies that fine you are so happy.


Anonymous said...

Well, Bonnie, that's pretty much how my first spanking went last weekend, and since my spanker is an avid reader of your blog, it's no wonder! That first one really did set the stage for our next and future spankings.

great advice, Bonnie

SuZQ ♣

Bonnie said...

Todd and Suzy - That's a great point! Thanks.

Eva - Thank you. I think you've hit the nail on the head (or the hand on the bottom perhaps). Feeling more comfortable and less anxious greatly improves a couple's chances of having a positive first experience.

Bella - That's very true, and it doesn't just apply to beginners.

Tigger Too - I completely agree!

Lily - Thanks!

Anne - You're most welcome.

Grace - It's my pleasure. No, really. Randy and I have so much fun with this activity, I can't help but want to extend an invitation to other like-minded folks.

Paul - If you both ended up laughing, that's not a bad start at all. What better way to cut the tension?

Maggie - I hope everything goes well for you. If it would help, you might want to show him this article or some of the other tutorials.

In any case, there no need to rush. You can wait until you feel ready. That way, you'll be more likely to be relaxed and open to the experience.

Elis - I'm delighted to be able to assist.

SuZQ - That's wonderful news. Congratulations! Here's wishing you many more wonderful experiences.

Master Fitz said...

Top advice Bonnie, as ever.

We seem to be doing a lot of play spankings lately and they never fail to get us both wonderfully hot under the collar!

PS - Thanks for the link :)

Syn's Lady said...

My first spanking with my boyfriend was the classic, "Come here, you're in trouble" - but it was preceded by a 1/2 hour conversation about limits, safe words, my comfort levels, etc. I didn't want to get off of his lap.

One tip for spankers though - hold your spankee's waist if your legs are even slightly down. Feeling like you're going to fall ungracefully and die detracts from the sensations.

Anonymous said...

About three weeks said some hurtful comments to my wife. She burst into tears, I felt horrible.

I saw her sorrority paddle hanging on the wall and I don't know what overcame me, but I got it down and offered it to her and said, "do what you feel is best - all I ask is you forgive me afterwords totally and completely."

We did not know about the guide at the time, she followed quite a few suggestions in your guide but not all. She told me that I deserved 20"real" spanks, then she could forgive me. Fun, teasing and warmups would not count. She was very particular about the position I assumed. She definately enjoyed the warmups - doing 3 to 5 warmups and circular teasing for every real one. She would countdown after each real one "you have 19 to go".

After the last "real" one, she hugged me and kissed me and forgave me. We both felt great and our lovemaking was the best ever. That was such a great first time.

That was a few weeks ago - she has definatley hinted we should repeat and she is willing to go next - but she wants to see what I have in mind.

I was going to do something similar with her paddle, but I read your post here and I deinfitely like the idea of her ling accross my lap - that is so cool. So that is what I am going to propose. Thank you so much for your advise.


Anonymous said...

We are still newbies, & I am so glad I discovered this site.
Wonderful advice

Anonymous said...

I am happy to read this.

Anonymous said...

I just found your wonderful site. Love the 101 on newbie spanking :) Thanks for sharing your wealth of information and expertise.

Clementine Rose said...

Hi Bonnie. Thank you for directing me to this link. I am going to bookmark it for future reference. I am feeling almost ready to talk to Anthony; let's hope I will need this information soon. :-) XO

Anonymous said...

Thank you!

maryanne said...

bonnie, this was so helpful. thank you for taking the time to post this.


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