Saturday, May 06, 2006

Spanking 101: Restraint

For those of us so inclined, a well-executed spanking can fulfill many needs. Spankings, by necessity, come in all shapes and sizes. We don’t all have the same needs and preferences. Even from day to day, our own tastes can vary. Sometimes a simple trip over the lap will suffice. Other times, a more intricate plan is indicated.

For the latter situation, many spankos choose to expand their repertoire though the use of restraint. Fundamentally, restraint is nothing more than limiting the movement of the spankee. This can take many forms. At the most basic level, it could mean nothing more than grasping her wrist during an over the lap spanking. At the other end of the spectrum, restraint can involve elaborate equipment or even entire rooms dedicated to this purpose. Most enthusiasts find themselves somewhere in the middle.

For the purpose of this article, I choose to use the word restraint rather than the more common term, bondage. For whatever reason, that word seems to scare some newbies by evoking images of extreme forms. To my mind, they are synonymous and neither term implies a specific level of intensity. However, the purpose of these tutorials is to inform and enlighten. If I can reach more people by calling it restraint, then so be it.

Most adult spanking relationships involve a certain degree of power exchange. The spankee, at least implicitly, grants her spanker some control over her body, her emotions, and her safety. When things work right, the result is stronger trust and better communication between the partners. Restraint, in this context, heightens and intensifies the power exchange equation. The psychological surrender of control becomes manifest in the physical world in the form of bonds. Restraint promotes in the spankee a feeling of helplessness that, in turn, feeds many submissive fantasies.

So, jargon aside, why would we do it? For me, it’s fun. It’s exciting to be lost in the moment. It amplifies the spanking experience. It fosters greater emotional closeness between Randy and me. Finally, restraint play helps to move my mind to a peaceful place where I simply react without thought or worry. To those just beginning, some of these descriptions may not entirely make sense. That’s all right. Time and practice bring understanding.

If you think you would like to add restraint to your own relationship, here are ten practical suggestions:
  1. Safety comes first – No thrill is worth a permanent injury
  2. Consent is essential and non-negotiable
  3. Check in frequently – “Are you OK?”
  4. Make it enjoyable for both partners
  5. Have, use, and respect a safeword
  6. Bonds should not cut off blood circulation
  7. Use the proper restraints correctly
  8. Never constrict the neck or interfere with breathing
  9. Start small and simple
  10. Learn from people who know
Restraint is by no means an all or nothing proposition. It’s possible to begin very gently. I suggest a scarf be used to bind the wrists of the spankee. For the first time, a loose slipknot will suffice. This allows the spankee to know that she can escape at any time if things become too scary. The fact that she doesn’t is an expression of trust. As their trust grows, a couple can expand their techniques to include tying limbs to bed posts or chair legs. We find that pantyhose works great for this purpose. It’s strong, stretchy, inexpensive, and relatively easy on the skin.

Many couples play with rope. This can be exciting, but it can also be rough on the skin. If restraints need to stay in place for more than a few minutes, you may want to consider investing in some cuffs. These are loops, typically made of leather, which can be placed around a wrist or ankle. Cuffs allow easy attachment of ropes or cords. Many are padded to protect the wrist or ankle.

There are many, many varieties of restraints and ways to employ them. No single article, or single Web site for that matter, can do justice to this topic. Fortunately, there are plenty of great resources. I suggest this Wikipedia article as a good starting place. Some Web sites feature pictures that depict extreme activities. Please remember that each couple can and should decide the type of play that best suits them.

If you would like to add a bit of spice to your spanking relationship, restraint is a excellent way to do so. It isn't for everyone, but many spankos enjoy some knots with their swats.

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Paul said...

we only went in for light bondage, arms and legs attached to the head and foot board.
It was used only in play, Mel found it very exciting but preferred physical contact for real spankings.
I've said this before, I wish you'd been around when we started.
Great post Bonnie, thanks.

Anonymous said...

Good article, Bonnie!!! And great tips!!!

And though we do use bondage sometimes, my favorite is simply when my hubby puts his hand on my back or wraps his arm around my waist to hold me in place while he's spanking me!!!


Pandora Sox said...

You have such a well balanced outlook on life and spanking. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

I absolutely love it when he ties my hands together behind my back before a spanking - using soft leather cuffs.

Happy Spanks

Anonymous said...

It's all a matter of trust. When David decides to restrain me, which is quite often, I hand over my freedom to him, and as the last tie closes, my upturned bottom is his to do what he likes with, whether I like it or not, and I have to trust him not to take the skin off it; trust is vital. Restraint means being held securely bent-over, be it with straps, cords cuffs or perhaps some stocks like apparatus, not trussed up like a chicken, and reasonabley comfortable; painful discomfort can distract from what is happening to my rear end, but my restraints must be really escape proof, not just symbolic. The excitement of a spanking is enhanced by my having no control over it, being unable to get out of the way, when things get too hot behind, and finally being unable to rub my smarting bottom, until David decides to release me. A blind fold can add to the thrill.
I agree with all the points you make, and the 'safe-word' is inviolate, but that is trusting your partner, isn't it?
There are some exellent cuffs available in UK of strong webbing, closed with "Velcro" fastners; fully secure but quickly removed if necessary. Handcuffs are good too, but don't mislay te key; can be embrassing ! Susan.

Mary said...

My favorite restraint is when I have reached my hand back in instinct to protect and then he pins it to the small of my back, that one move keeps me from rolling creeping and reaching all in one, and I just love to feel how strong he really is.
We have only recently started playing with real restraints. I am the type of person that when something is new - I just think too much - so it will take a few tries before I know if I "like it" or not. Right now it is different and unnerving for me to be resrained.

Bonnie said...

Paul - I brought up the subject because I believe that every relationship can benefit from variety. There are few people who are attracted to every form of restraint and many who can't handle the subject at all. I want to encourage people to seek kinks that appeal to them and with which they can be comfortable.

Tigger - Thanks. As I say, there are no right or wrong answers here, except in the context of your own relationship.

Pandora - You're most welcome. I love that kind of play as well.

Susan - You make some great points. I've wanted to post this tutorial for a long time, but I wrestled with how much information to include. I settled for a simple, short introduction. There is so much more than can and should be said. I concluded that there are plenty of genuine experts who can explain the nuances better than I can.

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight!

Mary - That sounds like a fun education. Enjoy!

Moonstruck said...

I love all your tutorials. They're a great resource for those of us who are still "beginners"!

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