Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 10

Our topic this week was how we would change our first adult spanking if given the opportunity. Here are your thoughts.

Darren: Just about everything...

Having always thought spanking would remain a private unfulfilled fantasy, I was dumbfounded when my wife expressed an interest (Of course, I could have discussed it with her, but such topics weren't so accepted in the '80s). Consequently, I was nervous and tentative, not wanting to hurt her.

Fortunately, J was better able to explain her desires and limits. We persevered and have spanked (and much else ) happily ever since. But if I could turn back time, I'd approach our maiden spanking voyage with greater confidence and spank a good deal harder!

Dragon's Rose: The first spanking was not as long or as hard as I would have liked. But it was what Dragon could do. It took a little practice to get it right. I wouldn't change a thing.

Daisy Christian: I don't think I would change anything about the first time Tyler spanked me. The spankings now after three years are worse for sure. It seems that each time he spanks, he steps up his game. From the first spanking until now, this has been growing. Everything starts off small and then gets bigger as it grows. You've gotta start somewhere.

PK Corey: My first spanking was too light and too short, but yet perfect in its own way. It told me two important things. My husband was willing to listen and try for what I wanted and that, yes, I like it in real life as much as I thought I would.

The only think I would have changed was that it should have taken place about twenty years earlier.

Jenny: I'll address my first real spanking experience after my marriage ended (In my marriage, it was just a little erotic spanking. But I did have to tell him I wanted it, and then he did it occasionally).

I would have made it, or the one that followed a few days after, a bit harder. It was plenty long enough, but there could have been harder spanks at the end. I wanted something more overwhelming. I would have liked at least one implement. But, then, I have to say it was still very exciting and showed me that I do like this stuff, even if I don't like the label "spanko".

Anastasia Vitsky: I would have been more assertive about my wants/needs and less willing to let others tell me what I should want. It's a lesson many of us have to learn, sadly.

Michael: My first adult spanking experience occurred in college and I was a bit tentative, so in retrospect, I would have spanked the young lady longer and harder.

The first time I spanked my wife Season (though we were not yet married), I planned things out ahead of time, though it did include some spontaneity, and it was an amazing experience so I wouldn't change a thing.

Mr. BB: My first adult spanking occurred with someone I had been dating. I've been hardwired as a spanko my whole life, so I tested the waters first with a few well-timed jokes. It was something along the lines of "Careful, you're going to get spanked if you keep that up" style comments delivered with a smile. It fostered some conversations as we continued dating.

The first spanking was more playful and almost like a role-play. I won't go into details, but afterward ,we decided to use spanking for play, foreplay and added some "rules" for more disciplinary style spankings.

So I guess I wouldn't change anything. I look back and understand now that that relationship is what guided me toward what would later be known as a domestic discipline relationship and set me on a course to later grow as a HoH.

Simon: My first spanking experience was all wrong. I was nervous and overexcited and worried about hurting the lady. I couldn't bring myself to give her more than a few tentative spanks and whilst I enjoyed the experience, it didn't seem quite what I wanted. After a few more similar experiences, I finally worked out what was wrong. Although I had always had an interest in spanking, I had misunderstood my own desires. I didn't want to spank ladies, I wanted them to spank me. I then had number of spankings from various women and they varied immensely. When I met my current spanking partner, I realised that I had finally found exactly what I wanted. She's been spanking, caning and generally beating me for over 15 years now and I couldn't be happier.

Natasha Knight: I'd been fantasizing about spanking ever since I could remember. I sort of sprung it on my husband 15 years into our marriage, so I'd have to say our first spanking experience was awkward. But given that, I wouldn't change a thing about it.

The spanking itself was much, much less than I could take physically. My husband still had to wrap his brain around the whole idea of spanking. I think he thought of it as 'hitting' me. He's come a long way since...

Anyhow, we had put the kids to bed and went into the back room - farthest from where the kids sleep. He had me lay across his lap (I'm thinking I was in lingerie of some sort, but I can't remember). He rubbed a little and then spanked. My first thought - and I think his too - was 'whoa, that's loud!' It carried on from there, certainly nothing like my fantasies, but those days following were some of the most intimate between us ever.

We're about ten months into this now and I've learned I do not have 'buns of steel' at all. ;) Spanking has opened up a whole other level of intimacy between us. There are ups and downs, like everything else, but we're closer than before and more open because of it.

Hermione: If I had known then what I know now, I would not have felt embarrassed and somewhat ashamed to ask to be spanked. I would have stated my preference confidently, knowing that I was one of many who felt the same and had the same desires and needs.

Season: As Michael mentioned, my first adult spanking was from him. We met online and when it became clear we were falling in love, Michael booked a flight so we could finally meet in person. He told me that one of the things that would happen on the day he arrived would be my first spanking. I had three months of anticipation to get through! It was a day of many firsts - our first touch, first kiss, first time looking deeply into each other's eyes. And later that day, he took my hand and led me into the bedroom, and the moment finally arrived. Michael created a perfect experience. The best description would be "sweet ouchiness" delivered with respect and love. I would not change a thing.

Katie: My first spanking was short and to the point. Rob made a statement and message was understood. "No poking!" I remember wondering if he had secretly been to HoH school or something. It showed me that not only was he willing to try this for me, but that he was able to use it for the greater good of our marriage. It was a surprise and I don't think I'd change much about that day. I do think that I had expected more of a fun, sexy spanking first. Rob has since made up for that! ;)

S.: My first was out of the blue. It was just,"You need a good spanking young lady," and in a flash I found myself bent over D's knee, and his palm drumming away on the seat of my thin tight skirt. He set me back on my feet. My bottom was tingling happily, but I was also very excited, which I quickly showed D. Looking back on that spanking, I think it might have even better, if it had been nearer to those I get now with skirt up, panties down, and perhaps my hairbrush raising a real smart on my bare cheeks.

Houston Switch: Michael has it about right... with me topping her. Her topping me, also took some adjustment, but has greatly improved over time

River Wild: If I could've changed anything about that first experience, I would've infused my husband somehow with assurance that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He is a natural leader, and an Alpha, but he thought that "hitting" me was just not okay. It took us a few times to get into the swing of things, but my how he has grown into it! He tells me now that he enjoys my squirming and also enjoys the fact that he is in control of everything for the good of our family. :)

DelFonte: I would have asked for more, longer, harder, more frequently and told him what it did to me. Naturally, I did none of these things, so years went by before we finally entered into the spirit properly. I suppose courage was lacking and it took time to know each other well enough to take pleasure from spanking.

Bonnie: My first experience, unfortunately, was not with Randy. In high school, I convinced a boyfriend to spank me. He had no idea what I wanted or why. I didn't do a very good job of explaining and he didn't comprehend what I did tell him. It was a disaster and pretty much drew the curtain on our short-lived relationship.

If I had to do it again, I would have skipped it altogether. I would have the maturity and the perspective to understand that nothing is really “now or never” when you're sixteen. Life is long and there are lots more opportunities to live our dreams. I would also have figured out that I had very little in common with this fellow and that our futures were headed in very different directions.

As for my first time with Randy, that is a happy memory I wouldn't change at all.

Thank you all for participating in our spanko brunch this week. I hope to see everyone at LOL Day 8 on Tuesday!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for May 16

 
This week, we considered the question of why so few first time spankees are turned off by the experience.

PK: I remember Nick telling me when I first got the courage to bring it up that he was more than willing to try it but I might not like it in reality as much as I did in fantasy. It was one of the few times he has been dead wrong!

People who are spanko have usually known since they were children. We're sure, we don't want to go back. I guess some vanilla men who have to be talked into it may decide to give it up, but most seem to like the idea.

I have often worried about men who are spankos, but waited like I did until twenty or more years into the marriage to bring it up. It's much harder for them to talk a vanilla wife into letting them spank them than we woman who just have to talk them into spanking us. That could be a tough situation.

Hermione: As PK said, engaging in spanking is probably something the person has thought of, dreamed about and longed for over a period of many years. The first time is always the hardest for any new experience, and especially so for one so emotionally charged. But once that difficult first step has been taken, the worst is over. The second time is easier, and the third easier still. It's a slippery slope, but such a nice one!

Missy: The last sentence in Hermione's comment confirmed my impression that a first spanking is a little like the first time you have sex. It's usually pretty gruesome, but there still aren't many 'one time only' almost-virgins around. I generally cringe at pop psychology expressions like "I'm emotionally invested in this," but it's true for spankos especially, We can't just shrug off a lifetime of intense fantasies because of one lacklustre encounter.

(I'm sorry I was away for so long. I was taking a grad course and I vowed to stay away from all non-essential websites until it was over. I'm now really looking forward to catching up with MBS and all those videos that went viral on YouTube.)

Welcome back, Missy!

Aeon's Angel: For me, the feeling of freedom and the adrenaline rush was the keeper. I remember being confused at my enjoyment and by the fact that I was so excited and so relaxed at the same time. I can not fathom going back to no spanking. I miss it when we go too long with out. I need the feeling. For me, it is the "peaceful, easy feeling."

Elysia: I don't think this is all of it, but I do believe that the physiological reward that the brain receives (and that OTHER PLACES in turn receive) could be at least part of the reason that first timers don't walk away. There were psychological reasons did brought me to spanking in the first place, that can't be discounted, but you don't usually hear about the real butt to brain to sex organs connection.

Watch this video to know what I mean or you can Google *pudendal nerve* and see how it works - biologically speaking!

Love4her: I think once you come to grips with the fact that you want to be spanked, you have worked out in your mind that you're going to like it. You have in essence become a spanko before getting spanked.

You have fantasized about it for so long and know it is what you need in some form. The issue has likely been finding a trustworthy soul to whom you can bare your desire and derriere. You want someone who can understand your need and give you what you crave versus what THEY think a spanking should be.

Domestic Daisy: My longstanding fantasies had more to do with dominance than with spanking, but not quite in the fully BDSM sense. The first time I found something online that made it all 'click' as to what it was I'd been feeling, it was spanking/discipline related.

My first spanking experience was with my husband, after having timidly approached the subject of domestic discipline. It was exhilarating, scary, and much like first time sex - somewhat awkward for us both. Yet, I knew instantly that I wanted more.

Suzy: I would assume that most people getting into the scene have put in the time and research long before experiencing it and so lessened the likelihood of failure. But I actually think there are a lot of people for whom it doesn't fit. But like you said Bonnie, we just don't hear from them about it. :)

I think some first time spankos end up leaving the scene because it was more intense than they expected it to be. They have a vision in their mind of something more playful and then it ends up being something both emotionally and physically more intense.

When I first met Todd, I knew that spanking in all its forms was right for me, but I was nervous at first that the disciplinary aspect was a bit more than I could handle. But as time went by, we worked it into a very comfortable and necessary part of our lives.

Who's to say if it would have worked that way for others if they'd been more patient, but I'm sure glad it worked for me. :)

Jane: I wondered about what my reaction would be to the reality when I received my first requested spanking. I was surprised that it hurt as much as it did. I was relieved that my boyfriend enjoyed it. I love it!

Anon: I've been a lurker for almost a year now and finally have decided to join in. I, too, fantasized about spankings for over twenty years of marriage before I finally got brave enough to bring it up. It took some doing to talk my husband into it but WOW we've found we both like it a LOT! I only wish I had asked for it sooner! It's true, our first attempts were far from great, but practice makes perfect and it was fun, fun, fun. It added some spice to our love life and it didn't take us long to get it right. Now I can't even imagine giving it up. I would also like to say I really enjoy your site~thanks for making it available!

Hi, Anon, and thank you for joining us!

The Marine's Wife: My husband and I have been married for six years. I confessed during his first deployment to Afghanistan that I wanted to be spanked. After a year of waiting, I had the most boring and unsatisfying spanking EVER! And I craved more, but I wanted him to learn a little on his own. I can count on my fingers the number of spankings I've had the past six years. This just fuels my desire because I'm still unsatisfied (though he's gotten really good the last few months). Despite the bad and infrequent experiences, I would never give up on that perfect "butt whoopin," as it is sometimes to referred to in our redneck/hillbilly mix. I even go as far as to tell my hubby, though I don't think I could ever follow through with it, that if he won't give it to me, I'll find someone who will. ;)

Bonnie: I have to conclude that if you think you're interested in spanking, you're probably interested in spanking. Even sudden and intense pain isn't likely to deter you for long. For many of us, it's just the way we're wired.

Thanks to everyone who participated in our brunch!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Oct 12

Our topic this week was advice for couples who are just beginning to explore the world of adult spanking. Here are your thoughts.

Our Bottoms Burn: We view communications as the key ingredient for a successful relationship, spanking or otherwise. As embarrassing as it might be, talk to one another about what you like and don’t like. And keep talking all during the hopefully long-lasting relationship.

Dragon Mage: The best advice luvbunny or I could give would be that communication is the biggest thing. Talk a LOT. Talk about what you each want, then talk about what happened and what worked or didn't. Talk to each other. And don't feel like you are alone because there are LOTS of us spankos out here. ^_^

We didn't have any advice to go on when we started. We really hadn't even done too much reading (books or blogs). We pretty much stumbled onto the fact that luvbunny likes to be spanked, and went with that.

Todd and Suzy: Communication has to be the main thing. Not only at the start, but keep talking. What sounded good may well need to be adjusted. We would also say be open minded to exploring your partner's desires.

You should also pace yourself, especially if either of you is new to spanking. Don't try to match what experienced couples are doing. Have fun with it too!

That's the way we started and it's worked quite nicely this far!

Spanky: I agree with the comments above. Communication is the top priority. Kallisto and I have a private blog that we use exactly for that purpose. It's a great way to tell each other things that would otherwise go unsaid. Commentary, advice, fantasies, etc. all find their way into our private blog. The private blog has greatly enhanced our communication and helped us raise our relationship to the next level.

Hermione: My advice is, if it feels good, do it. If you are both enjoying the spanking experience, then it's right for you. It’s important to believe that what you are doing is not wrong or even unusual. If you are both already into it, but not sure where to go from here, then talk about it. Tell each other what you like, what you don't, and what you'd like to try.

When we started spanking we didn't have anywhere to go for information or advice. Our approach was pretty straightforward: he spanked me, I liked it, he liked it, and it became a regular part of our foreplay. We didn't discuss it, but we never felt the need to.

Paul: The essential basics of any relationship do not change, whether vanilla or spanko. They are love, trust and communication. Communication feeds and helps the partnership grow.

Daisy: Yes, I am in agreement with all the above. Communication is the key. Also, I would advise any new couple to ALWAYS have a "safe word." It is all a learning curve. You are not in a competition. There is no winner and loser. You either BOTH win, or BOTH lose! It is important to take things slowly. Talk about what worked and what didn’t without either of you feeling personally criticised or needing to be on the defensive. Share lots of love and reassurance and encouragement for the wonderful bits. Enjoy yourselves. Don't take it all too seriously. Laugh together and have fun! Experiment and push limits gently once you are sure you know each other well enough to do so.

Greenwoman: Well, I guess we have the communication thing covered, so I'll just say that I think that it’s important to read sites with tutorials about how to give a spanking. Giving a terrific and safe spanking is an acquired skill. You can pick up the tips of doing a lovely job by reading and then gently experimenting until everyone is sure that this is the method both the bottom and top thinks is most pleasurable.

I think that it’s a wise idea to read comments just as extensively as it is to read the tutorials, because readers give terrific advice on sites like MBS.

And I have always liked the idea of rituals paired with spanking. Tom and swan of The Heron Clan recently shared their ending ritual of having swan kiss the spanking instrument that was last used and thanking Tom for the spanking. Paul talks frequently about domestic discipline and how he corrected Mel in his office at the end of the work day. He's also shared a lot about how he and Mel did stress buster spankings when a big and very stressful day was planned for Mel. Tom and Paul are just two of those who regularly comment here and have shared some lovely rituals. So have you.

Ofia: My thoughts are short and sweet. I have two bits of advice:

1. What works for everyone else won't necessarily work for you.


2. Just because you've tried it once and you didn't like it doesn't mean you don't ever like it. Try it twice.

Wait, I lied. :p One more thing.


3. Communication just became even more important.

(I think we learned all these things the hard way in some form or fashion)

PM Duo: As has been said a time or two, communication is essential! I don't think it can be stressed enough. You have to talk to one another. Share fantasies, what felt good, what you hated, and absolutely everything. I think good communication in this area makes your entire relationship easier and better.

Also, have fun! This is supposed to be fun and sexy and all that good stuff. So enjoy yourselves!

Roissy Fille: Lots of wise words have already spoken here by others. Although we've been married for many years, these are still relatively early days in our spanking relationship.

Communication is vital and I think should be ongoing. As Daisy said, there is a learning curve and I am finding that I'm also being thrown a few curveballs as we play and learn. For example, I find that I sometimes wear my nerves close to the surface. While I am happily handling the physical feelings as I meet them, I'm sometimes surprised at how emotional I can be the day after.

My partner would say that a spanking can sometimes last longer in my head than it does on my (well paddled) bottom. So we make sure that whatever we're doing involves lots of loving contact.

Maryann: Be prepared for lots of emotions to come with spanking. For me, spanking is refreshing and wonderful, but it has also opened stuff I didn't even know I had closed up within me. Also, think through a strategy for the day when one of you wants to spank and the other doesn't. Does the spanker have the final word? The spankee? For us, we used a safe word, but we also had another word for "Wait a minute... I do like spanking and want to be positive about it, but let's talk first." That only works for spankings that are negotiable.

I guess my advice is think and keep thinking. Expect spanking to impact your whole life.

Best wishes to new spankos. I count myself among you.

PK: If I were at the beginning of our spanking relationship and I heard all this about communication, I would be saying "But HOW?? I can't seem to make the words some out!" At least that was the way I felt. So let me tell you how I was able to do it – e-mail. You may think that is a cop out and that you should be able to talk to your partner face to face. I agree, but we have now been spanking for about 2 1/2 years and I still communicate important ideas and feelings through e-mail. I can take my time to say exactly what I mean.

I use it to tell Nick what I liked about an afternoon, what I would like to change, and what I would like to try next. I can ask him question about what he likes best and what he wants to try. Often, I just use it to thank him for going along with this in the first place.

Thomas: Take the time to get to know each other’s spanking interests inside and out. You will need to know if one person has an interest that may directly conflict with your own. For instance, I enjoy playing with new people, both at parties and private meetings. However, I have had several bottoms attached to me who have had problems with me wanting to spank and play with others. It’s true that communication wouldn't have prevented this issue. They already knew ahead of time that this was who I am. Still, the more communication, the better your odds will be.

Heather: When I first started, there was no real advice I had to go on. I had to learn as I went. The first several partners I had didn't really understand it. After a while, I thought I had found someone who did. The first time he spanked me for real, it was very clear he didn't. The spanking he gave me left bruises, which are a big no-no for me. The next partner I had didn't even understand me, let alone my spanking interest. He did it, but he didn't do it right. Both of these partners started too fast. Now I have one who understands and does it to my satisfaction.

The best advice I can give is to start out slow. If you dive in too fast, someone is liable to get seriously hurt and the experience itself will not be enjoyable for either of you. Also, talk to each other and listen to each other. And by listen, I don't just mean hear what they're saying. Pay attention to what their body is saying.

Anon VII: Remember at first that it's always easy to increase intensity, but impossible to lessen the psychological or physical shock of too strong a start. As with other aspects of a relationship, for heaven's sake, get to know each other first! Also, picking up on Heather's excellent final comment, remember that listening is a two-step process. Step one is hearing. Step two is thinking about what you have heard.

Bonnie: When Randy and I started, there wasn’t anywhere we could turn for help. There were magazines that contained spanking stories. However, most of those tales heightened our appetite without ever instructing us how to cook. So we figured it out on our own. That’s the hard way, believe me. We eventually got it right, but not without some false steps along the path.

I believe most people can benefit from the experiences of others. In that spirit, I wrote a tutorial about first spankings. I hope this article provides some useful insights for beginners.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your wisdom. If there are any new spankos reading who would like to share their experiences, I invite you to send me an e-mail and tell us how it worked out for you.

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for June 15

Our topic this week was the difference between expectations and reality for new spanking enthusiasts. Here are your thoughts.

Dragonmage: I think the biggest surprise in our case was that Luvbunny *wanted* to be spanked. We had experimented a little with spanking shortly after we got married, but she didn't like it then. I had read about spanking for a while before we tried again, but I somehow didn't think about a warm up the first time (oops).

Better than we anticipated? You bet! Despite my inexperience, I must have done something right because she orgasmed from the spanking (and some fingering).

There was a bit of bruising (likely because I didn't give her a good warm up). That was a "bad surprise." Luvbunny wasn't able to wear her swimsuit for a few days.

Good luck to you as you try this. I hope it's everything you expect and more.

Anon VII: Our biggest shock, after her daring me to spank her for fudging on her diet at a party and then my telling her to lift her skirt and grab her ankles, was the high that followed and obliterated any memory of what happened between the time the first of five blistering swats from the long paddle tore with no warmup into her cute little panty-clad bottom and the time we woke up together in bed the next morning. Whatever happened, it must have worked, since we're still together after 35 years, countless spankings of far more refinement and infinitely varied sorts, and a grown daughter later.

Prefectdt: Two things surprised me.

1. How much it really hurt and how much I desired the next strike as soon as the feeling from last one started fading.


2. That the spanking was a desirable entity in it's own right. At the age of 19, all my fantasizing about spanking had been sexually related. To find out that the spanking took me into a mental world of a delightful high and was a thing that could be enjoyed as a separate experience was a big shock.

DG UK: I think the only thing that surprised me was that it was real! I was no longer a description, writing, or fantasising. We had talked about it a great deal, and that seemed to enhance the feeling of anticipation as well as the warmth and coziness I associate with spankings. I remember a younger woman telling me about her first spanking and saying in a surprised voice, "it hurt" But, of course! I was nervous about how it would feel, but the pain I felt was delicious, smarting, tingling heat and growing soreness. The surprise was how naturally I seemed to fit on, over and round him, the other surprise was how much I could take. The latter is no longer a surprise, the former a joy that I never take for granted. There were no bad surprises, except for how quickly my skin got used to it after that first one. I don't mark as I used to, and I loved the embarrassment of my "marks of honour" for the days after that first spanking. So, to your reader preparing to receive her first adult spanking, I hope you enjoy it every bit as much as I did and that you have such delicious memories.

RPT: Turning fantasy into reality has been an amazing roller-coaster of a ride.

The first big shock was the pain, it did not hurt half as much in the fantasy. Then, there were the marks and bruises. We had not really thought much about that side of a spanking at all. Now I cope with the pain. I even like it in a perverse way, and I mark and bruise less as I have been spanked more.

The other surprise was how easily we fall into role play characters and scenes. We did think we would feel foolish and not want to do it, but it's really good. We play for whole weekends and it works really well and is superb fun.

Daisy: The surprise? I always wanted to be spanked, but the sexiness I dreamed of was of him TAKING control, without me RELINQUISHING it. I would be belligerent and defiant to the end. Yeah, right. In reality, his voice deepened, his eyes narrowed and bored into me, he demanded obedience and with a shudder of delicious anticipation, and butterflies going to war in my tummy. I quickly found myself caving in to him.

Although I dreamed of being spanked beyond my limit, I always really thought I could stop it by crying. Men can’t resist tears, can they? (Ummm... Wrong again!) The only "bad" surprise, was, although I tried to convince him it really hurt, (And, yes! It DID!), the redness faded so quickly that he didn’t believe me! So a second spanking followed soon after! Ha ha ha!

It was wonderful. It was all I had dreamed of and more. And although he had reservations about whether he could do it, he found that he loved the feeling of "power" and of seeing my bottom wobble and redden. My squeaks of pain spurred him on and my orgasm partway through clinched it. Spanking was here to stay.

I had a little wobble of trepidation when I discovered I was not "controlling him controlling me." I HAD truly lost control (unless I used the safeword...). It was scary, yet liberating beyond imagination. ENJOY!

Olivia Manners: As it happened in such a spontaneous way, the fact that it was happening at all was the real surprise! Even though we had spoken at length about how it might be or what we would like to happen, I really hadn't imagined that it would, or certainly not when or in the way in which it did.

I didn't expect it to feel as natural – the sense of closeness and everything falling into place, and the feeling that I belonged across his knee. It’s something that I love hearing him say even now. I probably thought I would be more indignant or resistant, but I made no fuss at all. The sense of rightness I got from being so compliant was unexpected.

I also hadn't expected to be able to take as much as I did that first time. He used his hand mostly but also a leather paddle, a taste of the riding crop, and even some strokes of the cane. That was a shock! So too was noticing how I enjoyed the pain and how I was able to cope with it.

I had imagined pink and sore bottom cheeks and some cane stripes, so I was wholly unprepared for the deep purple moons that I had on my bottom for well over a week.

So, in every sense, it was a lot more than I bargained for! I can't say better than I had anticipated as I hadn't anticipated it, but everything was richer, deeper, more arousing, more life-affirming than I had ever imagined.

A first time is a really wonderful thing to be sharing with someone, and I hope that it is such an occasion for your reader, Bonnie.

Maryann: I have only received two weekends of spankings so far, so the newness is still very fresh for me. I was/am surprised at the depth of joy and closeness I feel with my man, especially just after a good, hard spanking, when he holds me. I love that! Also, I was really surprised at how bruised I got that first time. He was really horrified at the condition of my bottom, so he won't play quite that much in one day any more!

I have also been very surprised at the depth of emotion it has opened in me. I'm learning a lot about myself. It takes tremendous trust for me to bare my bottom to a big strong man, but it feels so good! The release I feel is deeper than just physical or even sexual. I found I craved it intensely after the first time, but now I am finding I need some time to absorb the enormity of how it is changing me. I am very grateful and happy. Best wishes to all the newbies among us (myself included)!

Hermione: Bonnie, hosting brunch was a pleasure and an honour! Everyone had a wonderful time but we all missed you. Now on to today's topic.

The first surprise was the pain. Fantasy spankings don't hurt; real ones do. But they hurt so good!

The next surprise was that, while I had only thought of being spanked while over someone's knee, there are plenty of other positions that are equally efficient.

Finally, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my husband gets just as much pleasure from it as I do. I still think I get the better end of the deal, but he's quite happy doing what he does so well.

Amy: Unfortunately, I was disappointed with my first spanking. It had always been my fantasy, not his.

Over the years, I had hinted and bratted in hopes that he would spank me. However, when I did finally get the courage up to talk to him about it, using Bonnie's website as a stepping stone, I felt it took away from the first time he actually did do it. Part of the fantasy for me was for him to take control for a change. So the first spanking didn't hurt at all and was really quite dull and without any emotion.

The spankings have gotten better over time. However, he still doesn't understand it totally. I know I could attempt to explain it to him again, but to be honest, I get tired of having to dictate what I need. That may sound mean, but I have gotten tired of being the creative one all of the time. Sigh...

Paul: Being a spanker, I have a different take on the question. The first time I spanked my wife was on the ferry to France and our honeymoon. Mel was 18, just that day. We had waited four years for this day. Mel was as taut as a violin string. She wanted me to take her, hard and fast. I was tempted, but I wanted our first time to be memorable, so I explained and said “no, wait.”

Waiting was never Mel's strong suite. Mel didn't like it and her language became strong, not f***ing and blinding because she was well brought up, but casting doubts on my paternity and my love for her and even my sexuality. Considering that she had just solemnly promised to honour and obey, I put the pillows from the bunks on the bottom bunk, flipped her skirt up and her knickers down and spanked her, hard, much to her surprise.

I joined her in the bunk, held her in my arms, within five minutes she was asleep. Our wedding night was indeed memorable and she was very grateful that I spanked her and didn't give in. That is when we discovered the calming affect of a stress-buster.

I don't know if this will help your reader, Bonnie, but it will serve to remind her that spanking can serve many ends. Chuckles!

Anon: Although I had been spanked in the past and knew it was integral to my sexual and personal being, I had been out of experience for quite something like 15 years until the breakup of my marriage! It had been very vanilla. I determined that the next time around, I was going to be totally honest about my spanking passion/needs/desires!

I met my partner on the net and had sent him a tawse as a present before meeting for the first time! At that meeting /date, I was more fixated on him as a person than spanking, but when he brought the tawse to the restaurant and showed it to me, I made the comment that he could not use it there! When he replied he could use it anywhere he chose, I knew I was in the hands where I needed to be!

The surprise of the first spanking, like so many others have said, was the extent of the bruising. Initially, I was horrified, but now I long for it! Alas, they just do not appear on this leather-like bottom any more!

The second surprise that I experienced was that I was much more aroused and able to take a more severe spanking when I was verbally chastised at the time of the spanking than when not!

Now, many spankings later, I continue to be surprised at how much the spanking hurts and, at the time, I want it to stop. Yet the after effects of a good hard spanking are so much more pleasurable than those of the short soft ones!

I so much appreciate this blog! Cheers to fellow Canadian Hermione for last week!

I will show my response to my man now and I will undoubtedly have a very sore bottom this afternoon! Happy Father's Day!

Tina: I thought there were many surprises. Like some of the others, I thought, and still think, that the pain is terribly heavy in reality. In my dreams, the pain was lovely. In reality, it is frightening. In a dream, it is possible to imagine that the male dominates. However, in the dream one certainly has 100% control of any detail at all times. In reality, without this kind of control, the spanking may be harder than expected, or longer, or it happens when one is very tired.

Finally, unlike one of the other people, I was surprised by how much spanking and sex mix. In my dreams, there used to be pain and lust, but no sex in the narrow sense.

All in all, reality is still much better than all the dreaming I did for decades!

Greenwoman: It wasn't until after my first spanking that I started to fantasize about spanking. Before that, my kink fantasy was always bondage, not spanking. Now I want a spanking all the time. *grins* I didn't expect a spanking to feel so erotic or to be such a stress buster. I thought it would be intensely humiliating. It’s not. I feel very honored by it. I expected to feel bruised up too and I wasn't. I think the sex is always better following a spanking too!

New Beginnings: After I had come out to Nick, but before he spanked me for the first time, he made the point that while I might have liked the idea of spanking, the real think just might not be to my liking. He almost had me convinced, or at least a little worried. But this time, Nick was WRONG! I loved it from the first time we tried it, and it only gets better.

Terry: The one thing that surprised me about the first real spanking she gave me was how quickly fear gave way to incredible excitement at being over her knee.

I didn't expect scoldings to hurt so much! Scorn in Mistress's voice is as bad as a switch to me. And I thought even punishment spankings would feel erotic to me. Wrong! I hate being in trouble, period. What didn't I think of before hand? The reality of it. EEP!

Everything about real time was better! It’s more intense and personal. It’s a shared experience.

Bad surprises? I’d say the intensity of my first punishment. She set me on fire.

Girl: What surprised me? I wouldn't exactly say surprised, but what I found a challenge was that my partner and I have very different ways of using terms. He prefers to refer to me as a good girl at most times unless I've actually been a "naughty girl" whereas I enjoy being called a naughty girl on the occasion for fun. So, what I've found to be a challenge is tying together the ends of our interests and fantasies and making them as one.

What may have surprised me was how loud I can scream. That was a surprise. As a side note, I constantly thought of myself as someone who could be dominated in the bedroom but not in other aspects. I am now actually beginning to feel, after having been collared, that I am someone who enjoys having someone to call Sir on a more frequent basis.

Come what may, I’m glad you’re still with us.

Elle: My first spanking from a boyfriend was at an age when he barely knew what sex was, let alone understood my kink. To say I was an early developer may be understating it. He was nervous and afraid of this strange seductive girl begging him to smack her and it was all very embarrassing.

However, my last partner was the first one who ever spanked me as I wanted it to be. The thing that surprised me was just how perfect it was. It hurt just in the right way and he knew what I wanted and read my body very well.

The only unpleasant thing is that I remember being convinced everyone who looked at me could tell. I thought they somehow KNEW. It's a strange feeling, but you might find out what I mean.

So, overall, I would say the most important thing is actually with whom you are doing it. If you love and trust this person, it should be a good experience, despite whatever surprises befall you.

I've got a new (very new) boyfriend and things are shaping up to be even better than the last one. *grins* Hopefully, you get off to as good a start as we have!

Big D: I've had three big surprises in my spanking journey: First, how much it aroused me (I went into it originally as strictly a disciplinary matter). After meeting the love of my life last summer, my other two surprises were: (1) that he agreed to try spanking me, and (2) how much he truly enjoys it. Now we're trading sexy spankings as part of our best-of-our-lives romantic fun.

Bonnie, your blog has been the biggest help in my spanking journey. Thanks tremendously for it!

You’re very welcome, Big D!

Lucy: My first real spanking experience was with Jekyll when we were in our late teens. It was actually a disappointment, and I was embarrassed that I had asked. We went on to have many memorable spankings. I think it's important to recognize that fantasy and reality don't always match up perfectly. A first spanking isn't always perfect, especially if both partners are new to it. Communicate and remember, if at first you don't succeed, spank, spank again!

~K: Opportunity wasn't easy to come by when I first started talking about spankings with my hubby. So, although he was all for it, it was a while before we got to try it. Until then, he really spiced up our sex life telling me naughty stories of how he would enjoy spanking me. When we finally got to try it, we were both a little disappointed by the actual experience. The important thing was that we talked about it after. Communication is really a necessity with spanking.

I wasn't really surprised by the pain that most others have mentioned. I don't find it all that painful. Of course, we only spank for fun and erotic purposes. Hubby tries out any new toys and starts each spanking slowly and builds up the intensity. Even from this limited experience, I am quite sure the pain of a real punishment spanking would shock me. Last night's new toy, a bamboo bath brush, could quite easily be painful with very little effort on his part. It wasn't long before I told him we could use that one for a bit of variety, but it just isn't suited for extended use.

What did surprise me was how much I would crave more. It started out just a fun addition to foreplay, with only his hand and a crafty leather paddle I made. I never expected to have any interest in trying a belt or anything made of wood. Hubby and I were equally surprised when I expressed curiosity about his belt and even more surprised at how much I liked it. He has no doubt it's my favorite, but I don't think he really comprehends just how good it feels.

Another surprise was how spanking for even just erotic purposes has led to me recognizing the balance of power in our relationship was skewed with me being too much in charge. A family therapist told us all this a while back, but I wasn't buying it then. There are plenty of reasons for it, but I have started talking to my husband about it and offering him his well earned position as head of our household. I don't think punishment is in our future, but even just being open to considering a mild discipline relationship surprised me. That was something I had never thought of.

As for bad surprises, the only one we've had is my reaction to the idea that I made my husband feel he needed to beat me to keep me happy. He and I both know this is as far from the truth as you can get and just a poor choice of words. He wanted reassurance that he was meeting my needs, and I overreacted to his use of the word "beat" in the way he phrased his question. But misunderstandings can happen so easily with spanking. That's why communication is so important. We worked through it without too much trouble, but there have been a few emotional days. In the end, though, on my rear end, it's really worth it.

Good luck to the author of your question and any other newbies out there.

Mary: I think it both hurt more and less than expected, if that makes any sense. I did get a warm up. I found out I hated the corner, and the thing that still kind of gets me is how it is fine to be totally nude together, but having my panties pulled down still feels embarrassing.

Michelle: It hurt more than I thought it would. I anticipated the sting, but not so much the pain. And I could take more pain than I realized. Also, the pain wore off faster than I imagined, and a hand is a lot more painful than I thought. I bruise a lot faster than I imagined too.

I-Gal: The first time that J spanked me was everything I hoped it would be and more. He started using his hand and then took off his belt to use as well. The sound of his belt ripping through the belt loops as he pulled it out of his trousers gave me so many mixed emotions: anticipation, excitement, and of course some fear. Those same emotions continue to this day. J has mastered spanking and just when I think I cannot take any more, he spanks longer. The man knows exactly what I need and exactly when I need it. I melt into his arms after he spanks me. He is the master of his domain. What do couples do who don't spank?

PM Duo: The biggest surprise was how much it hurt. He was pretty reluctant to try, so I figured he wouldn't spank hard. Boy, was I wrong! The other thing that surprised me was how much I enjoyed the feeling of him being in control and how good it felt to be over his knee.

Terpsichore: I was so happy to share my fantasy with my husband and even more happy when he was receptive about it. I was overjoyed that even just talking about it and taking little baby steps improved our communication and our intimacy. What I did not expect was to have to wait so long before receiving my first real adult spanking. Every couple is different and, for us, the process is going very slowly. Before sharing the fantasy I was fine, but after, I wanted it so much more. Fortunately, there are lots of friends out here to talk with and learn from. Wish you the best... :-)

Love 4 Her: I have only had a few spankings with the wooden spoon. They were more playful on her part than serious. The last time was when she caught me lying on the bed naked on my belly looking out the window. She surprised me with the scolding and several playful taps. She is usually not so verbal and that added excitement.

The real spankings I have experienced have been playful and quick. My fantasy spankings are much more drawn out and thick with anticipation and longing and scolding. She really does not understand my need for a spanking, nor my desire to have the limit pushed, even possibly to the point of tears on my part. I very much want to submit.

What she gives I love, but I wish for so much more than she can understand and therefore be capable of giving. It is just not her kink, but I hope that somehow she can grow into it.

Another Mary: This is all new territory for my husband and me. After letting his all-too-subtle hints and random smacks sit unanswered for over twenty years of marriage (!), I took an opening he gave me in a funny voice mail when I was traveling about punishing me for ignoring his calls and finally admitted that I desperately wanted him to spank me.

The first time wasn't much of a spanking, compared to quickly following later ones. But yes, it did really hurt, but so much hotter and more exciting than I ever expected. The whole experience was far beyond what I ever imagined. I was actually afraid I might be disappointed, but not so! For us, spanking is all about sex, as Bonnie would say, and maybe I'm not so surprised how the spanking has charged up the sex, but the intimacy and fun back in our relationship is such a joy too.

Talking, as everyone says, makes all the difference. I had to encourage my husband to spank me as long and hard as I wanted, to reassure him that he wasn't really hurting me, or maybe only in the best possible way! It still amazes me sometimes that we're actually talking about and doing something that apparently we've both always wanted to do – though it took him some time to admit that he never thought it possible that I would want him to actually spank me and that I would love it. He thought spanking was just a fantasy. So now we're talking about other fantasies that we might bring to life!

The only real surprise, as someone said earlier, was how much actually spanking makes me crave more and more (and I think for him too...)

Bonnie: I think what surprised me most about our earliest spankings was how much fun they were. Even though these spankings were very sexy, we laughed a lot. In retrospect, perhaps nerves played a role in our response, but it was still delightful fun!

The originator of the question wrote back to say:

It’s fun reading all of the responses. They confirmed some things I guessed might be the case, and I learned some things I did not know to expect. I feel more confident now in taking the next step and I'm definitely looking forward to it!

Thank you all for your wonderful answers.

Spanking 101: Your First Spanking

Last year, I presented ten tips for spanking novices. Since then, I’ve wanted to revisit the topic in more detail, and from a slightly different perspective.

A couple’s first spanking might be their most difficult. Partners may have different expectations and levels of interest. It’s quite natural to be nervous. There are so many unanswered questions:

• How much will it hurt?
• Will this help or harm our relationship?
• Is this the first step toward heavy bondage and discipline?
• Should we adopt dominant and submissive roles?
• Am I betraying my gender?
• Is it ever OK to hit a woman?

The best strategy, I think, is one that places the focus squarely where it belongs. What matters most is the couple and their relationship. Spanking is beneficial only if it enriches the lives of both partners. For a first spanking, we will place this consideration above all others.

A mutually enjoyable spanking experience requires a little bit of forethought and planning. Yes, I know it’s not as exciting as a spontaneous spanking session, but if this first one goes well, there might be plenty more to follow. It’s OK to talk about these topics. Really! No one can read minds, and if you want your partner to understand what you’re thinking, you must share those thoughts and ideas.

As important as it is to talk, listening is even more essential. Your partner will probably tell you whether they like your plan. In the event that they hesitate or even reject it, fear not. Perhaps they will offer a reasonable alternative. At this moment, it is to your advantage to be flexible. Please remember that there are many paths to your destination.

When you decide to try a first spanking, the setting is very important. Plan to be as far from distractions as is practical. Try to choose a time when both partners are feeling relaxed, energetic, and open-minded. Make sure to allow plenty of time for whatever might follow.

The prelude to the spanking should be loving and reassuring. The spankee should feel as though she is adored and appreciated. The spanker should feel as though he is honored and beloved. Kisses, stroking hair, tender touches, and sweet words all reinforce these feelings of connectedness and unity.

When it is time for the spanking, select a position that will be both intimate and comfortable for both partners. I recommend that the spanker sit at the edge of a bed or on a couch with the spankee draped across his lap. In this position, both her upper torso and legs are well supported. Her bottom is also nicely presented.

Rather than starting right in with swats, it’s often nice to further set the mood by rubbing the bottom using a slow, circular motion. For many spankees, including me, this kind of touching is a tremendous turn-on. I particularly like the feel of a hand moving over the back of my skirt and perhaps occasionally diving underneath to add to the arousal. Should the spankee begin to roll her hips, she’s definitely ready.

Any real spanking should hurt, but that’s not the primary goal this first time. We’re instead aiming for erotic stimulation. Don’t drive through your swats, but let them dance lightly on the surface. Redden the skin, but try not to bruise it. A hand should suffice and even then, avoid full force blows. Teach her to love the sensations of stinging and warmth. Talk as you spank and tell her what a tremendous turn-on it is to finally feel her across your lap.

For the spankee, it’s vital to express yourself as well. Tell him what you need, what you want, what you like, and what you don’t. That’s the best way for him to learn and refine his technique.

A few dozen light to moderate whacks should suffice for this first spanking. Again, you will hopefully get more chances to experiment in the future. When the spanking is over, the spanker should embrace his partner and ensure that she feels truly loved. This sets the stage for wonderful aftercare experiences in the future.

Many couples find spankings to be sexually arousing and an excellent form of foreplay. In this situation, lovemaking quite naturally follows a spanking. For us, spankings are the ultimate aphrodisiac. The resulting sex represents a welcome completion, a dénouement. It’s certainly not required, but I do recommend it.

Once the excitement dies down, you may wish to talk about your experiences. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to try next time? How could the session be better? In those answers lies a roadmap to years of erotic spanking fun.

Speaking of fun, a spanking doesn’t have to be serious or clinical. It’s fine to be yourself, laugh, or act silly. Keeping things light removes some of the pressure to make everything perfect.

I hope your first spanking is a wonderful experience for both of you! Best wishes, and please let me know how everything works out in the end.

Keywords: spanking, spanking 101, spanking tutorial, first spanking