Our topic this week was consent. Here are your thoughts.
Pink: I don't say no until the gag is removed.
Just kidding.
My consent is an understood thing. D can spank me at any time, with or without reason. The only way for me to stop it is with my safeword (which I have used exactly twice because of a back injury). I like that he has the freedom and authority to basically do what he likes. And I cherish the fact that I trust him with this power.
Six of the Best: A naughty woman's bare bottom should be available for a good spanking 24 hours a day.
Libby: It's important to me to be available to him whenever he likes. Because we have so thoroughly discussed parameters, I feel utterly safe in granting consent for him to do with me as he pleases.
Judy: I think it depends on the situation. If I am trying to get out of a punishment, then no. The purpose of DD is to be held accountable to your husband. However, if the spanking is for fun/play, then I pretty much always make myself available to my husband. But there are times when your partner needs to be able to read your body language and assess how you feel. It's all about trust and trusting your partner knows what you need and not just what they need. I don't have a safe word because I haven't needed one yet. My husband knows me well.
PK: I'm in a slightly different position. I brought the idea of spanking into our marriage. Obviously, that's consent, but lately I haven't had any desire to be spanked at all. When we play I get a little spanking and I would never say no, but he doesn't push it.
We have one thing in our lives where spanking is used for discipline. That's only been reinstated recently and it hasn't been necessary yet. When/if it is, he really does have my consent (if not my wholehearted enthusiasm) to spank as he sees fit.
Scunge: My Sir can spank me at ALL times and ANYWHERE that he sees fit. In the two years that we have been together, I have only used my safeword twice. The trust is there on both sides and that is what is so important in TTWD. A quick swat or two in public HAS happened and will happen again, because I am one of those gals just can't keep my mouth SHUT! ;) Not even to save my butt!
Abby: It's the same here. Consent is implied. He owns all of me, so it is his whenever He desires it. In almost eight years, I have not used my safe word, but if a get a cramp or start feeling numb when tied, I say so, and He stops... to readjust.
Make Mine Red: We pretty much have blanket consent too. It would take some extreme circumstances for me to turn down a spanking! I have never needed a safeword either. He backs off if I so much as say "ow." Sometimes I wish he wouldn't :)
Mija: Sometimes I ask for spankings. Sometimes I want spankings. Sometimes Paul wants to spank me. There's something rather thrilling for me about being spanked when I don't actually want to play. There is an edgy realism, plus I like that it's not all about what I want.
I always say what I'm feeling, especially if I don't think I want to be spanked. I think he enjoys doing it more under those circumstances.
We do have a safeword (which is "safeword"), but I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to be spanked, unless something felt really wrong.
Kady: I, too, was the one who brought spanking to our relationship. I believe that when I asked, I was giving a permanent blanket consent. JJ is reasonable, so if there is a legitimate physical reason, he would take that into consideration. Since I have always believed I should give my body for his pleasure, I don't believe that the reason for the spanking is necessarily a consideration. I trust JJ to give me fun, therapeutic, or punishment spankings as he sees fit. I love authority he has over me, and he is always careful to never "hurt" me.
Em: We had blanket consent in our relationship. I didn't even have safeword, which is not something I would ever do again. In theory, Jack could spank me whenever and for whatever reason he wanted. However, since we didn't live together, if I ever *really* wasn't in the mood, all I had to do was not make plans with him. When we were together, however he made the decisions about when and how I was spanked.
Like some of the others said, I kind of like the feeling of not quite wanting it and knowing that it was really for his pleasure and not mine. I imagine there were times when he spanked me even though he wasn't in the mood. So turnabout is fair play. :)
A'marie: I don't have a current partner, but I'm tossing my vote in for the "ever evolving, constantly changing" notion. :)
Daisy: Davey spanks me when he decides, but unless it is a fun/erotic spanking, he warns me first and if I don't heed the warning, he spanks me. So, it is my choice. If I am not in the mood to be spanked, I have to behave!
I have a safeword, but I have rarely used it. That's the point of a safeword, right? I do not cry wolf. It would belittle TTWD. I actually don't need a safeword because Davey reads me well. But we agree that there must be one, and it will be honoured AT ALL TIMES.
This means I have the freedom to protest and yell and threaten and generally play up to hell during a spanking, knowing full well he will never stop because I am yelling, crying, begging, wailing, or demanding he stop. Under it all, we both know he will stop the instant I utter that ONE word...
In the early days, if I cried, or yelled "owwww" loud enough, he stopped, worried he was overstepping boundaries. Now he knows he is not abusing my trust. There is no confusion. I can plead, beg, whatever... and he carries right on.
Hermione: Ron has blanket consent to do whatever he thinks is necessary, different or fun, depending on his mood. He knows I am always an eager and willing participant, and an advocate of more, not less. If I ever did happen to think he had overstepped some boundary, I would speak up.
We have never had a safeword, and didn't know they existed until I started reading blogs. I think Ron would be hurt and offended if I suggested having one. He is very careful not to give me more than he knows I can take.
There are times when I am not particularly in the mood for a spanking, but I always end up enjoying it and feeling very happy and contended afterward.
Anon: I think I am going with "redefined on an ongoing basis" as my answer.
Ours is a 25 year mixed marriage - with me kinky and her playfully vanilla. The pendulum has swung back and forth between vanilla and D/s (with her being submissive). The current moment is a little more vanilla. Kink play is fairly infrequent, scheduled in advance and negotiated.
Our Bottoms Burn: If one of us is "not in the mood," we just say so and that ends it. Usually the one who is not in the mood suggests an alternative time.
Raven Red: Uncle Nick decides whether I am to be spanked. I might have input in providing reasons for whatever I am in trouble for, but the ultimate decision lies with him.
On more than occasion, after listening to what I had to say, he declined to spank. In addition, he will not spank me whilst being ill or injured.
Having said that, he has also spanked me without any valid reason. Well, I hasten to say, that is in my opinion. ;-)
Although I have not verbalised consent, my consent is implied, for I willingly entered into the relationship, fully knowing the dynamics.
Poppy: My consent is a given and total. It has to be like that because otherwise, he would ask, "May I spank you?" and I would say, "No." We would both feel like rubbish. For me, it is not giving consent that is part of the dynamic. I don't fight him or anything. I just have to be told (in a very firm way) before I will do anything. He says there is always a reason, even if that reason is to make him or me feel better. As for severity, it is always just what is needed. If I am in a mood he may have to really go for it. We always feel soothed and better afterwards.
I love him, I trust him. He is charge of all of this sort of stuff and always will be.
L.: For us, it's still evolving. It started off as just play in the bedroom. It later grew into being somewhat disciplinary at my request (limited to certain infractions that were significant to him or to me).
I'm the one who brought spanking to our marriage. Therefore, when he wants to spank, I go along with it to encourage him. We do have a safeword, but I've never had to use it. I can always take more than he dishes out. He is very careful -- even more than he needs to be.
If I refused, he would not push it. In fact, I did refuse once when I was annoyed at his inconsistency. The result was that he backed off discipline and limited himself to play spanking for months! I think this was worse for both of us. We were not as close during this time.
As we've recently recaptured the disciplinary dynamic with my encouragement, I won't refuse spankings any more. I can't expect him to read my mind or do it "perfectly." We're both going to make mistakes. It's a learning process, and we're still learning.
morningstar: I rarely, if ever, need or want consent. If I am not in the mood for a spanking, I usually "get" in the mood pretty quickly. Last night was a good example. I have been suffering from chronic gall bladder problems (am scheduled for surgery come the new year), but because I have been off colour, we haven't played in over six weeks. Last night, we had a Xmas BDSM party to attend. I was nervous about playing. Sir went very slowly at first and checked to ensure there was no unwanted pain. It didn't take me long to realize how damn good it felt! So we had a nice long session.
If, however, the spankings hadn't felt good, I could have just asked for it to stop. I might have suggested something other than spankings such as bondage or knife play, etc. I enjoy more than just spankings, so sometimes when a spanking isn't working its magic, we simply use something else.
Season: At the beginning of our relationship, I gave Michael my blanket consent. He needs no reason and can spank me "just because" he wants to (and because he knows it's what I desire, too). Most of the time, we are doing so for fun. I am also subject to punishment spankings and related punishments like corner time, but these are rare. We do have a safeword in place but it is not for use just because a spanking hurts. Michael decides how much and in what manner I'm spanked.
Michelle Carlyle: My consent to being spanked is an ongoing process. In fact, normally, I have to ask. I wish I didn't have to do this all of the time. Even if we take the next step, I will still want to be able to say “no” if I am really not in the mood. I find with this stage of my life, pain is more intense and my hormone fluctuations are wonky. If he spanks me at the wrong time, that will not end well for him. I still think communication is the key to making sure that both parties are on the same page all the time.
Val: For my part, it's blanket consent. This brings interesting situations at times, much as you describe in your preamble to the question today. When I am not in the mood to receive, but I submit anyway, it seems to hurt the most and last the longest, but everything is happy in the end (this sounds like "real" spanking, no?). Sometimes, though, I have to ask for it, and it always comes.
For my partner (we switch), whether she will accept the spanking depends upon the moment and mood. I do not press when I hear "no." Often times, I hear back something along the lines of "but I will spank you instead," and that is fine. I am easy that way since our spanking life is about intense spice and not DD or punishment.
Ronnie: I trust P completely and he has blanket consent to spank me whenever he thinks it's necessary. No reason is needed.
We do have a safeword which I've only ever used once.
Mistress160: I live with a severe masochist. With spanking, my hand / arm / entire being gives out long before he does. It's the dominant who safewords with us, not the sub. *grin*
Spank-A-Lot: I think that having limits is best when one is "playing" with someone and not in a lifestyle relationship. However, when one is in a lifestyle relationship, there are often fewer limits. At the end of the day, for a spankee/slave/bottom to submit unconditionally, there must be a certain amount of trust.
Anne: I think that trust is essential. I gave my consent in the beginning and it hasn't been revoked. I have a safeword that I have used twice. Once, I felt badly afterward, so we resumed the next day.
Bonnie: I purposely omitted one element from my account of last week's spanking. Submission is a tremendous turn-on for me above and beyond the spanking itself. When I am a willing participant, I don't necessarily feel submissive. But when I feel that I am being spanked solely because it's Randy's will, that's magical stuff.
As far as I'm concerned, he has blanket consent. On the other hand, Randy wants to check in with me periodically to ensure that I am all right. If I told him I was ailing in some way, I believe he would stop. That's why I don't say that!
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your insights!
