Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 1

Our topic this week was advice for a new mother who is seeking to re-kindle her spanking relationship with her husband. Here are your words of wisdom.

Todd and Suzy: We've had times when spankings were an everyday part of our lives, and other times when it's been several weeks. We do tend to talk about spanking quite a bit though, even during those dry spells. That seems to be the number one thing we do to keep the interest going. Beyond that, we do things like get new implements, watch videos, talk with like-minded friends, blog, read stories, and go to parties. Basically, we keep spanking at least in the background.

If you're thinking and talking about it as a couple, actual spankings will flow naturally. While doing things like planning out free time certainly helps, spanking doesn't seem like the sort of thing that can be forced. As for whether it will go away if you leave it alone, that depends upon the person. We've seen people walk away from spanking and seemingly not miss it. Others couldn't give it up, even when they very much wanted to.

Indy: Earlier this year, a rather horrific tragedy occurred in my family. That certainly curtailed my desire for quite a while. I continued to play a little with my regular partners, mostly just for the reassurance of human touch rather than because I really wanted to be spanked. I even attended a couple parties in that time, mainly to see friends who I knew were concerned about me.

In that time, I didn't try anything new or push limits very much. I just enjoyed the endorphin rush and the stress relief. A couple of months later, I found myself REALLY wanting a spanking in a way that I hadn't in a quite a while. So I think keeping my bottom in it with not particularly challenging spanking play, filled with chatting and laughter, helped a lot.

Anon #1: You re-kindle your activity in this form of intimacy just as you do in any other form of intimacy. What works for you there should be tried here. Sometimes, just going out for a night on the town, with no intimacy or its pressures, establishes a feeling of closeness between a couple. The next day, when you both are warm and fuzzy inside, it's OK to sit over coffee or tea and talk about what is and is not happening in your lives. Good luck. Keep the lines of communication open. Life throws you its barriers. It's up to you and your partner to climb over, dig under or run around them.

Caylee: I think there needs to be a sense of easing back into spanking for it to work again. If you just bend over your husband’s lap and he starts whacking away, the pressure of thinking “I used to like this! Why aren’t I liking this now?” will prevent you from fully enjoying the experience. Instead of being a stress reliever, it’s just piling on more. Somehow, it seems like you need to relax before you start spanking. Something like an intimate massage with a couple of smacks thrown in might help, or a warm bath together beforehand. Anon #1's idea about the night on the town was an awesome one – anything out of the ordinary and romantic would be wonderful.

Also, for what it’s worth, having a new baby in the house can’t exactly be helping the stress levels. Getting a close friend or family member to babysit might do wonders, even if it’s just for a couple of hours while you and your husband reconnect without interruptions. In any case, I think the fact that you wish spanking was present in your life means that the desire is just dormant, not gone forever. Good luck, and best of wishes to you, your husband, and the new baby!

Maryann: You recently had a baby. Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself and to your husband. You both need every kindness you can get. A new baby is a wonderful blessing, but also a tremendous undertaking.

When I was nursing a tiny baby, I barely wanted to be touched by anybody else. All of my touch needs were met by the baby. I pushed my husband away.

When I was ready, as it sounds like you are since you are asking the question, I made a choice to put the baby in the swing or the playpen more often. We got out of the house with her in her stroller or car seat a bit more. Basically I just made sure I wasn't saturated with touch when my husband came home. In short order, we were touching each other again.

You'll be fine. Just be kind to yourself.

Muffin: There are lots of good comments here. I'm with Maryann. When I had my babies, I discovered that I didn't want to be bothered, either. There was a sense of needing to find "places" for everybody in the household again. My (then) husband was jealous of the time I spent with the baby, and I was angry about that. So take your time, let everyone settle into their place in the home. As Anon #1 said, get alone together for some private time. Go with any intimate touch, and reassure your husband that you haven't gone off spanking permanently. It'll probably come back to you. I find that my own spanking desire comes in waves or cycles. When I was pregnant the first time was when I "came out" to my first husband (who was vanilla, and was horrified when I asked him to spank me." But after the baby came, I couldn't have been bothered! Life changes do affect your spanking desires. Best wishes and congrats on the new baby!

Prefectdt: I once tried to give up the lifestyle, for about three years. In doing this, I burnt a lot of bridges and upset some people by totally cutting off from them. This was a mistake. It would be only natural that you may need to get away from kinky friends and groups right now, but it it is probably better to do it with tact. This way, you know that they will be there later if you want them.

Anon #2: I have no advice other than the basic communicate well and often. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your family, though.

Dr. Ken: Interest in spanking can ebb and flow, depending upon what life throws at you. At some point, it usually does come back. You just have to ride it out and give it time.

You can't "force" it, though. Forcing it just might turn your play partner off and make playing with you the last thing they want to do. You both need to work your way through this new situation and get used to a new routine. Eventually, you can find your way back to some of your old beloved routines.

Brat: As one who has never had a baby, I would be the last one to be able to offer an empathetic response. However, you and I have one thing in common. We can both put our feelings into the written word (in my case, better than the spoken word!). I suggest that you write down your feelings/desires and leave the paper in a place where he will see it. Reading that will give him insight, and a man with insight is truly a beautiful creature!

Bonnie: I believe it's very likely you can achieve the change you seek, but it probably needs to be a gradual process. The improvement begins with a few small things. Consider a favorite meal, a gentle touch, an unexpected kiss, words of praise, or a good morning smile. The second step, as so many other have mentioned, is opening lines of communication. You need to talk regularly about adult subjects (yes, the baby IS cute, but there needs to be room for other conversations).

Hopefully, intimacy will naturally happen from there. If it doesn't, you might try scheduling an evening for romance. One of the great features of (most) newborns is that once they are warm, happy and full of milk, they tend to fall asleep and remain that way for a while. You'll learn soon enough that older kids aren't nearly so predictable.

I wish you both the very best and I hope you are able to live your dreams. A baby is a huge responsibility and a continuing distraction, but I can assure you that there are plenty of parents who manage to keep the home fires burning.

Thank you all for sharing your excellent advice!

Another View of Vanilla

Following up on our recent brunch discussion, Pagan sent me a link to an excellent essay she wrote. In it, she examines the vanilla partner phenomenon from a unique perspective. Her shimmering, positive message offers hope to many other spankos so situated.

Thanks, Pagan!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for December 3

Ooo La La! Spankings are very sexy indeed, but then, we all knew that!

Todd and Suzy: Spanking is always sexually arousing to us, even the harder “punishment” type spankings.

Most of our spanking play involves sexual touching, sometimes a great deal of it, not to mention rubbing and brushing up against sensitive areas. There are descriptions of what is being seen and felt, such as levels of arousal. Spanks land from very-very light, almost massage like in nature, to harder stinging swats builds up tension and anticipation. There is also explaining what will be done after the spanking is over, “After I spank this naughty bottom, I am going to...”

Very arousing!

Harder spankings are a little more complicated. The last “punishment” spanking we did was just this last Tuesday. Even though that was a very hard spanking, it still was sexual. There was a built up to it, which involved a 15 minute talk. During the talk, baby lotion was rubbed onto the bottom. We also discussed what could have been happening had this spanking not been needed.

This created a very real sexual tension, even though the focus was largely upon the hard paddling to come.

A lot of this is similar to the elements in an erotic spanking. The big difference though, is that Suzy feels very loved and cared for when she is being held accountable for her actions. At the same time, Todd feels an emotional rush from the total trust he is being given. This often makes punishment spankings far more intense for us. There is a much deeper emotional exchange involved.

Jean Marie: Maybe it's partly just because spankings focus on the bottom. It's an asset that I'm proud of and feel sexy about, and an area my lover finds erotic.

Maybe there's something animalistic and basic about the attraction. Spankings generate heat and increased blood flow, until I'm imitating nature by doing my best Mandrill baboon impersonation with a scarlet backside. They are primal.

As Todd and Suzy eloquently said, fun spankings are the best foreplay, but punishment spankings hold even more allure in their emotional exchange. This unique allure includes the fact that I submit, that I deliver my pretty bottom to be stung, even bruised or marked, and the fact that I trust my lover enough to be the one to hurt me (so good) and to correct my faults. This is a very powerful dynamic to be shared between a couple.

Part of the attraction probably lies in the fact that we don't fully understand it. It's a control thing achieved through an act that most of the world dismisses as infantile. Maybe a submissive’s sexuality stays at a six-year old level and never matures. I don't know. But I'm not complaining, nor would I have it any other way. I'm proud to be a spanko. I feel sexier than my peers, even girls half my age. I am the way that I am, obsessed with getting warmed back there on a frequent (near daily) basis, and getting walloped occasionally to set me straight and right the balance of power.

Cindy: Spanking as foreplay is a rush that never slows down. And when we're in public, at a rally or a bar or a similar setting, it's sometimes very obvious that it's sexually stimulating to others as well.

What I mean is simply an expansion upon what Jean Marie said. Dave and I are proud of whom we are. It's like it seeps out of us in our interactions, and others often feel it. I don't mean that others start having sex! They just seem to become more intimate, softer with each other. I'll have to expand on that in our blog sometime soon! I truly don't want it to be misunderstood!

No orgies! Laughs!

After a punishment spanking, if Dave and I snuggle into bed and we don't have sex right away, he'll hold me as we drift off to sleep together. Then in the middle of the night, I'll wake and feel his cock inside me, his hands holding my bottom, and the sex is very intense. The feelings that punishment spankings cause in me seem to push my tolerance higher and my sexual need deeper.

The sexual response in me comes from the love, the respect, and the depth of intimate knowledge of each other that providing for these needs demands.

No wonder it's sometimes hard for a vanilla to understand this interest! It's a multi-faceted, contradictory, primal thing. For me, it’s a total body/mind/soul connection. Gosh, I'm so very glad I have it!

TX Spankogirl: Spankings are always very sexually arousing, even the harder punishments. If it wasn't arousing for both of us, we wouldn't do it! LOL

Very simply, for me, it's a huge turn on. And anything that turns me on turns on my sweetie as well. My formerly vanilla partner says I've turned him into a monster because he enjoys it so much now. LOL

Even the few punishments that I've had have been very erotic. They seem to bring a deeper emotional connection, which is very common according to the previous responses. After a punishment we make love immediately and all is forgiven.

Of course, good girl spankings are always great. They're just so much fun and always end up with us ravaging each other. So yes, in short, all of our spankings are sexually arousing. I wouldn't have it any other way! :-)

Tigger: For us, spanking is totally and completely sexually arousing! I find everything about it to be a turn-on. I love the feel of being held down over my hubby's knee, of his leg on top of mine, the feel of his hand, or an implement, coming down over and over on my bottom. And, of course, the incomparable sting that comes along with it!

Don: Oh my yes. We find spanking to be sexually arousing. The greatest turn on for my DW is sexual tension. This tension, the anticipation, is something that most men get enough of by age 14 or so, but it’s something that most women never tire of.

We start the day before, when I either describe in detail what is in store for her or just I just mention she is going to “get it” and leave it for her to imagine.

The next morning she is “dating mode,” taking extra time fluffing and buffing in the bath, cooking a special breakfast, and generally being extra solicitous.

I am sure you can fill in the action details for yourself, but it is the tension that puts her over the top.

Paul: Is spanking an erotic experience? The answer is a resounding yes. Even the memories of spankings past raise strong erotic feelings.

As has been said before, all spankings are erotic, even the rare punishment spankings.

Our usual nightcap was Mel over my knees on our bed. We never wore pajamas of any sort. Half an hour later, after several orgasms, Mel would be begging me to take her. Her bott was always hot, which is how she loved it. Stress busters and attitude adjusters, though not so obviously sexual, had more or less the same effect.

Interestingly, punishments, though quite rare, had an even more intense effect. Punishments never took place in the bedroom. Rather they were always in my office at home. Mel needed a high level of pain, so her punishments would have been considered severe. After such a punishment, her nightcap spanking was just a token, yet her orgasms were stronger and her desires greater, I was always happy to oblige.

I don't believe that the desire to be spanked is infantile. After a lifetime I cannot claim to really understand what drives us. I only know that the couple that spanks together stays together.

Kallisto: Spanky and I have always used my spankings as foreplay, and we both find them to be very sexually arousing.

As for specific elements, I would include the anticipation of knowing I will be spanked, the close connection with Spanky, the physical action of being spanked. I love the way my bottom heats up and turns red, and the way Spanky rubs and caresses my bottom. I find it all very arousing.

Dave: [LOL] I read this about three times already, trying to compose my thoughts. This time it just struck me as incredibly funny. "Do you find spankings to be sexually arousing?" Hmmmmm ... DUH! (sorry)

YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Yes, yes, yes.

I just love all aspects of spanking, and it arouses me tremendously. Straight vanilla sex just doesn't cut it for me. But bring spanking into the action, and wow, oh yes!

Cindy has the most incredibly spankable bottom. The softness of her skin, the curve of her flesh, the firmness is just oh so right. I guess the first sexually arousing element just has to be the curve of a woman's bottom. I've always been a confirmed “ass man,” and it's always what I look at first. I evaluate every woman's bottom as spankable or not, and sometimes Cindy even points them out for me!

Next is just the feel, when I'm caressing her bare bottom before I spank, I just have to breathe so deep, as the stirrings begin. When the actual spanking begins the combination of the sound of the spank, the sting in my palm, and the feel of her cheeks giving beneath each spank make my heart start to beat fast.

I'm also very visual. I NEED to see her red bottom when we're making love. We have "Our" position, with her laying on her side, her upper leg pulled up giving me access to her. In this position we can make love, I can spank, and I can see her face, breasts, and red bottom all at once.

The next element is the sounds she makes. She'll be embarrassed that I mentioned it, but she makes the most incredible sounds when she's being spanked. Not words, and not real loud. Just soft, deep-inside-her sounds. When I re-watch our videos it's just all the more exciting to hear them again. They're just like a soft little combination of a cry and a groan!

Then there are her little girl choked words through huge sobbing! There was a time she would hold things inside and not share them for fear of burdening me. That is part of the evolution of "Cindy's Rules," especially, 'Tell me when she's scared.' During that time I literally had to spank it out of her. After one of these hard spankings she would be sobbing so badly that the words would come pouring out. It was the most incredibly beautiful sound, her 'well-spanked' little girl voice choked and twisted by heavy sobs. Although I did have to ask her to repeat herself often as it was almost impossible to understand her. But even as I held her TIGHT, and comforted her, I just wanted to make love the instant she'd composed herself!

Which are more arousing? I think the punishment ones are by far. Often I get incredibly drippy with precum just scolding her. That's all it takes, scolding. Sometimes I will stop in the middle of it, open my jeans, pull my underpants inside out and show her the wet spot. Telling her, "See what you did? Clean it up!"

Then she'll lean forward and lick and suck my underpants before cleaning the tip of my cock. Then I'll tuck it back in, fasten back up and go on with the scolding. I have NO idea why I react this way. I just know that I do, and that scolding Cindy is one of the most arousing activities we can share.

If it's not a punishment spanking, for the most part, I will let my fingers slip between her thighs and check her wetness. She gets INCREDIBLY wet, and sometimes even (how to say this tactfully), well, 'squirts' while I'm fingering her. We call those her DEEP cums. They don't happen during a spanking, only when I'm fingering her, but normally she's still across my lap at the time.

She also cums during spankings. I've learned over time the exact place on her bottom, the exact strength of the spank, and the exact rhythm of the spanks that allow me to pretty much make her cum at will during a spanking. Of course, then she gets scolded and spanked some more, because it's sooo naughty to cum during a spanking! Only naughty girls do that!

I was going to apologize for rambling, but... hey! If you're going to ask multiple questions in a brunch you run that risk!

Padme: Master Anakin and I both find spankings to be very arousing and spankings are usually a part of our sex life. Even a few slaps on the ass are always enough to get me very turned on.

The spankings which don't turn me on as much are the discipline ones. Usually those spankings are angry and I feel emotional and upset over the reasons for me being punished. Usually there is nothing sexual about the domestic discipline.

Doc: I've often considered the why of spanking. Certainly it's a part of my sexual identity now. It's odd that I find it as sexy as I do, considering that it was always a looming threat in my household. "Do you want a spanking?" I think it's something about giving up control. In all my early sexual experiences I was the top, and often the guiding hand. That gets a bit tired. I've always had to be in control and sex isn't about control. Knowing that I'm putting myself into someone else's hands is incredibly hot. As well, there's something to the 'humiliation' aspect of a spanking. I'm a self conscious person, often very much so. Spankings don't lend to the most flattering positions - someone must think I'm really sexy to want me in said positions. I'm someone who maintains dignity no matter what, but there isn't a lot of dignity in being paddled - at least not for me.

So, from analyzing those answers, I would have to say that spanking for me, is sexy because of the letting go aspects. Sex is about giving all of one's self and with spanking I can do that. Also, it feels really nice, and I've got a love/hate relationship with pain.

I guess it helps that my first masturbatory experience to orgasm was to a spanking fantasy too...

Amber: Yes, I find spanking to be arousing. In fact, I am never aroused enough to climax unless I am in a spanking or mild BDSM situation. In order to arouse me properly, the spanking should come as a real punishment for a real transgression. It's harder for me to get aroused by spanking that isn't a punishment spanking. However, I can enjoy a spanking without the punitive element as long as there is some Dominant/submissive exchange.

Also, as Doc noted, it took a very tangible spanking magazine and a very vivid spanking fantasy for me to have my first orgasm at the age of 17 (while masturbating).

Pagan: All of our spankings are sexual, and are given as foreplay. We don't do DD. I'm not even sure we really do D/s. I don't identify as a sub. If anything, I'm a Top who just happens to like getting spanked! ;)

When I first came out to my hubby, I'd get an occasional light spanking as a precursor to sex. Now, I get paddled each and every time. I can't even REMEMBER the last time we HAD vanilla sex. Spanking IS sex for us. Sometimes, he brings me to orgasm over his lap. Sometimes, it happens after the spanking. But either way, it's the tape playing in my head.

John: I think the most erotic thing to me is my wife's submission. In real life, she is probably the more dominant partner, but when we play, she belongs to me.

There is much ceremony in a spanking. There are instructions to follow, preparations to make, and rules to follow. I think the simple act of me giving instructions and her following them without question is a huge turn-on.

Do I find it arousing? Let's just say that one of our rules is that she is not allowed to rub against me. Actually, we are working on OTK, but I fear it might be a little too arousing.

Does SHE find it arousing? She says that she has to be "in the right mood" and then it is a very powerful turn-on for her. If she is in the wrong mood, she finds it sort of funny and awkward, which usually ruins it for me as well.

Maybe I ought to get her a mood ring for Christmas.

Emma: I'm not into spanking in a big way, just as an appetizer, not a main course. I need to be sexually stimulated first, orally or manually, and when I'm really turned on my husband might spank me for such and such and tell me I've been bad and ask whether I’m sorry. After I've been punished we'll have more sex and it makes me very hot and I usually climax.

Edward: For me, spanking is my way of giving. Lisa spends eight to ten hours every day being in charge. When she comes home, she gets to let go and I give her that space. If I can help her let go of the day’s frustration and give her some release, then that turns me on. I get hard jut knowing she has relaxed and let go. Does that make any sense?

Bonnie: To be honest, I agree with Dave. Of course, spankings are arousing. Right? Nevertheless, this brunch has taught me that obvious questions don’t always yield obvious answers. I love the many nuances of the responses above.

As Pagan said, for Randy and me, spankings ARE sex. The act of spanking is so closely tied to our erotic fantasies that we seldom spank without sex or vice versa. A good bottom warming is the perfect foreplay. Every element is another step along the road to unrestrained physical intimacy. I adore it all!

Curtis: In both fantasy and reality, spankings have always been arousing to me -- except for early parental spankings, of which there were few. I would be aroused by the thought of spanking, by the word spanking, by threats of spanking, by hearing about apankings, by reading about spankings, by comics with spankings in them, and by playing spanking games from childhood. Since I'm a switch and never into punishment or discipline, but rather into fun, play, and erotic spankings, virtually everything turns me on. I get turned on by a sassy lady whom I can threaten and to whom I can deliver spankings, by taking her over my lap, by taking her clothing off while spanking, by feeling the warmth of her body over my lap, by her movement and moans while spanking, by the sight of her bottom and its changing color, by the warmth under my hand when I'm rubbing, by the sting in my hand, and by the frequent extra-curricular activities to which the spanking leads.

In the other direction, I am turned on by the threats, by my nakedness over her lap, by the words with which she describes what she is about to do and is doing, by the sting of her hand and her rubbing, and by the arousal in my loins which leads to further activities. What, pray tell, is not to like?

Thanks for sharing your perspectives! We'll be back here next Sunday with a new question and a new discussion. I invite you to join us then!

Keywords: spanking, sexy spanking, erotic spanking, spanking relationship, My Bottom Smarts, spanko brunch