Our topic this week was advice for a woman who seeks to experience her first real adult spanking, but do so in a safe and private manner. Here are your thoughts.
Playful Little Brat: Kaylynn sounds A LOT like me when I started searching. The first piece of advice I'd give her is to trust her gut. I talked with a lot of people when I was looking for a spanker. I'd almost convince myself that they didn't sound creepy, just because it's something I wanted so badly. BE SAFE. That's super important. Be patient, get to know someone in a public place before anything else happens, and try to tell someone, even if it's a spanko friend, where you'll be and when. You might even set up a "safe call" kind of thing. It could take a long time to find the right person for you, but just go with it. Don't force it, and don't rush it. :)
Mr BB Spanker: I jumped on here to reply and noticed the advice from Playful Little Brat. It was right on the money.
I would add that, no maybes about it, you should have everything in place and all safe calls, safe words, safety protocols, etc. Just going to a coffee or "munch" isn't enough or possibly what everyone does. There are "creepers" there too. Build real friendships first. Get many views from several people and sources. Safety is the area to research long before searching for a spanker.
And then sometime in the future, I hope you find a wonderful person to help you, Kaylynn. :)
Prefectdt: This is advice that I normally give to men but I can see no reason why it is not just as valid for women. It is expensive but I would recommend that someone in this situation should seek out a professional disciplinarian of good repute. With the Internet, it is relatively easy to find one with good references from clients and anonymity will be respected.
This way, a first time spankee can be assured that they find out what a spanking is like from someone who is genuinely well experienced and will not intone any hidden sexual desires into the play. The spankee can find out if they really like to be spanked or prefer fantasizing about it (nothing wrong with either of those, but it is important to find out which category you fit into).
I did not use the services of professionals during my early years of play and admit that I was a bit biased against those who did. But since employing the services of these people, I have realized what good experience and advice I had missed out on so many years ago.
Young Lady: In my unknowledgeable opinion, you should seek out someone as if you were just dating and getting to know someone. If it's someone you wouldn't trust in a different situation, then it's not someone you want in that place in your life. :)
Keiter: It strikes me that so many people are searching for a special someone to spank them, and so many others are searching for a special someone that would get off on being spanked, all in silence. I'm a rookie in the latter category who wishes there was a dating service to put one plus one together in simple math.
SpankSeek is a site dedicated to matching spanking partners. I haven't visited, but it's operated by our longtime friend, Bethie.
Belle L: I have to agree with Young Lady. In this day and age, it is wise to be cautious about being in any kind of vulnerable situation. I don't know whether you are even looking for a relationship. If you are not, I would think (but don't know), that Prefectdt's suggestion would be the choice. As a Christian, I can't even believe that I would suggest that, but if it's gonna happen anyway, it sounds safer. I guess it would be like going to a doctor. The problem would be, if you decided that is what you liked, you would still be at square one. I would think patience, caution, attraction, and love would be best, first. Just my opinion. God Bless You and all you love and loves you.
Jenny: I think you will mostly find creepers in the online spanking sites. If a guy is "really into it" online, he's probably "really, really into it" in real life. You are only "into it" in fantasy at this point. So it's likely to be a mismatch. But, among all the creepers, there may be a jewel or two. There might be someone who has done a lot of this and understands where you are and what you want and can take, physically and emotionally.
I agree with others that you should meet in public first (absolutely) and that you should go with your gut. What vibe do you get from the guy at that meeting? Be honest. If you get any bad feelings, don't meet up again. Don't give any personal information other than perhaps a first name. You may want to ask to see his driver's license and take down his info. If his intentions are safe, he should not mind. You are the one who is going to be in a vulnerable position. We get a false sense of intimacy from online chats, but you really know nothing about an online “friend.”
Having said all that, I still think it is easier to convert a vanilla or hope that someone you meet through other means happens to have at least a passing interest in paddling. Maybe your next boyfriend would be willing to spank a bit with his hand and a round leather paddle if you promise him a special treat afterwards. Men may have a reputation for being extremely sexual and perhaps crude, but the ones I have met are only kinky in terms of their own pleasure. So if he's a vanilla, it may take some convincing to get him to do something that is 90% for your pleasure.
Web-Ed: First, you should heed all the safety warnings the others have brought up. Then I would try in order:
1. Convert your "vanilla" boyfriend if possible. Some men can't be converted, but the benefits of getting spanked by someone you already know and trust make it worth the attempt.
2. If you don't have a boyfriend or he can't be converted, there are a number of sources of spanking personal ads, although I personally don't have a great deal of confidence in this approach. It has worked out for other people though, so it's worth a try if you remember that safety considerations are especially critical if you go this route.
3. Consider spanking parties. The advantage here is that the men should be pre-screened. The disadvantage is that most newbies will find the prospect of going to a party where everyone knows your secret to be simply too embarrassing.
S.N.M.: I suggest that you go on dates and bring up spanking as soon as it feels comfortable to do so.
Joeyred: I agree with most of the advice about safe play. I suggest that you find a female spankee/bottom with whom you can correspond online. Find someone who you can communicate with and who has experience.
If you find someone who is local to you, they may have a friend who they trust.
I know several people who have found themselves in "bad" situations. It is better to err on the side of caution.
Hermione: The other readers have all given excellent advice, and I can only add an observation. The procedure you follow to find a spanker would probably be quite different depending upon where you live. If you are in a large urban centre, there are plenty of professionals, spanking parties, organized groups and opportunities to meet fellow spankos. In a small rural town, not so much.
S: My suggestion is to not try the obvious sources. Relying on classified ads, Internet sites, or dodgy clubs are asking for trouble. Find a man, and when you know him well, decide whether you can trust him (see the recent MBS brunch on trust).
I had been hankering for a spanking for ages, then I met D. We got on very well. I thought, “This could be the one.” I started wearing tight skirts and jeans, and bending over near him, or letting my ripe bum brush against him. It attracted the odd pat and squeeze. D was a 'bottom man' I hoped. Finally I said for some reason,"OO, I am a naughty girl." D grinned. "And naughty girls get spanked, don't they?" In a flash, I found myself over his lap with his hand slapping my thinly skirted bottom. It didn't sting much, but the ice was broken, and it became a regular event, until one day the full skirt I had on was tossed up, and his hand started landing on my thin silk knickers. That stung much more! I loved it. Then, of course at last, I felt his hand on the waist of my panties, and down they came to my stocking tops. My heart raced, This was what I had dreamt about as finally a large hard male hand landed smartly on my plump bare female bottom. That really smarted, and when he let me up, my bottom was burning, stinging, and scarlet, and I was very excited. We never looked back.
Our Bottoms Burn: I once strongly advocated all the advice about playing safe. That said, why should meeting a spanker be inherently unsafe? Do we think that spankers may be more of a physical threat than the guy you met that works in the same office building?
I am not suggesting that you throw caution to the wind, only that meetings can be conducted like any first date. I think Young Lady said it just right.
Anastasia Vitsky: The advice already given is great, and I can't add much to it. I would just say that it is VERY important to be careful and go slowly.
Bonnie: I cannot speak from experience on this question, but I know friends who can. I think if you were to write either Indy or Lea, they could share lots of relevant wisdom gained through personal experience. They're nice. I promise.
Best wishes to you, Kaylynn. I hope you'll stop back and share your story.
Thanks, everyone, for joining our brunch conversation!