Monday, June 16, 2008

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for June 15

Our topic this week was the difference between expectations and reality for new spanking enthusiasts. Here are your thoughts.

Dragonmage: I think the biggest surprise in our case was that Luvbunny *wanted* to be spanked. We had experimented a little with spanking shortly after we got married, but she didn't like it then. I had read about spanking for a while before we tried again, but I somehow didn't think about a warm up the first time (oops).

Better than we anticipated? You bet! Despite my inexperience, I must have done something right because she orgasmed from the spanking (and some fingering).

There was a bit of bruising (likely because I didn't give her a good warm up). That was a "bad surprise." Luvbunny wasn't able to wear her swimsuit for a few days.

Good luck to you as you try this. I hope it's everything you expect and more.

Anon VII: Our biggest shock, after her daring me to spank her for fudging on her diet at a party and then my telling her to lift her skirt and grab her ankles, was the high that followed and obliterated any memory of what happened between the time the first of five blistering swats from the long paddle tore with no warmup into her cute little panty-clad bottom and the time we woke up together in bed the next morning. Whatever happened, it must have worked, since we're still together after 35 years, countless spankings of far more refinement and infinitely varied sorts, and a grown daughter later.

Prefectdt: Two things surprised me.
  1. How much it really hurt and how much I desired the next strike as soon as the feeling from last one started fading.

  2. That the spanking was a desirable entity in it's own right. At the age of 19, all my fantasizing about spanking had been sexually related. To find out that the spanking took me into a mental world of a delightful high and was a thing that could be enjoyed as a separate experience was a big shock.

DG UK: I think the only thing that surprised me was that it was real! I was no longer a description, writing, or fantasising. We had talked about it a great deal, and that seemed to enhance the feeling of anticipation as well as the warmth and coziness I associate with spankings. I remember a younger woman telling me about her first spanking and saying in a surprised voice, "it hurt" But, of course! I was nervous about how it would feel, but the pain I felt was delicious, smarting, tingling heat and growing soreness. The surprise was how naturally I seemed to fit on, over and round him, the other surprise was how much I could take. The latter is no longer a surprise, the former a joy that I never take for granted. There were no bad surprises, except for how quickly my skin got used to it after that first one. I don't mark as I used to, and I loved the embarrassment of my "marks of honour" for the days after that first spanking. So, to your reader preparing to receive her first adult spanking, I hope you enjoy it every bit as much as I did and that you have such delicious memories.

RPT: Turning fantasy into reality has been an amazing roller-coaster of a ride.

The first big shock was the pain, it did not hurt half as much in the fantasy. Then, there were the marks and bruises. We had not really thought much about that side of a spanking at all. Now I cope with the pain. I even like it in a perverse way, and I mark and bruise less as I have been spanked more.

The other surprise was how easily we fall into role play characters and scenes. We did think we would feel foolish and not want to do it, but it's really good. We play for whole weekends and it works really well and is superb fun.

Daisy: The surprise? I always wanted to be spanked, but the sexiness I dreamed of was of him TAKING control, without me RELINQUISHING it. I would be belligerent and defiant to the end. Yeah, right. In reality, his voice deepened, his eyes narrowed and bored into me, he demanded obedience and with a shudder of delicious anticipation, and butterflies going to war in my tummy. I quickly found myself caving in to him.

Although I dreamed of being spanked beyond my limit, I always really thought I could stop it by crying. Men can’t resist tears, can they? (Ummm... Wrong again!) The only "bad" surprise, was, although I tried to convince him it really hurt, (And, yes! It DID!), the redness faded so quickly that he didn’t believe me! So a second spanking followed soon after! Ha ha ha!

It was wonderful. It was all I had dreamed of and more. And although he had reservations about whether he could do it, he found that he loved the feeling of "power" and of seeing my bottom wobble and redden. My squeaks of pain spurred him on and my orgasm partway through clinched it. Spanking was here to stay.

I had a little wobble of trepidation when I discovered I was not "controlling him controlling me." I HAD truly lost control (unless I used the safeword...). It was scary, yet liberating beyond imagination. ENJOY!

Olivia Manners: As it happened in such a spontaneous way, the fact that it was happening at all was the real surprise! Even though we had spoken at length about how it might be or what we would like to happen, I really hadn't imagined that it would, or certainly not when or in the way in which it did.

I didn't expect it to feel as natural – the sense of closeness and everything falling into place, and the feeling that I belonged across his knee. It’s something that I love hearing him say even now. I probably thought I would be more indignant or resistant, but I made no fuss at all. The sense of rightness I got from being so compliant was unexpected.

I also hadn't expected to be able to take as much as I did that first time. He used his hand mostly but also a leather paddle, a taste of the riding crop, and even some strokes of the cane. That was a shock! So too was noticing how I enjoyed the pain and how I was able to cope with it.

I had imagined pink and sore bottom cheeks and some cane stripes, so I was wholly unprepared for the deep purple moons that I had on my bottom for well over a week.

So, in every sense, it was a lot more than I bargained for! I can't say better than I had anticipated as I hadn't anticipated it, but everything was richer, deeper, more arousing, more life-affirming than I had ever imagined.

A first time is a really wonderful thing to be sharing with someone, and I hope that it is such an occasion for your reader, Bonnie.

Maryann: I have only received two weekends of spankings so far, so the newness is still very fresh for me. I was/am surprised at the depth of joy and closeness I feel with my man, especially just after a good, hard spanking, when he holds me. I love that! Also, I was really surprised at how bruised I got that first time. He was really horrified at the condition of my bottom, so he won't play quite that much in one day any more!

I have also been very surprised at the depth of emotion it has opened in me. I'm learning a lot about myself. It takes tremendous trust for me to bare my bottom to a big strong man, but it feels so good! The release I feel is deeper than just physical or even sexual. I found I craved it intensely after the first time, but now I am finding I need some time to absorb the enormity of how it is changing me. I am very grateful and happy. Best wishes to all the newbies among us (myself included)!

Hermione: Bonnie, hosting brunch was a pleasure and an honour! Everyone had a wonderful time but we all missed you. Now on to today's topic.

The first surprise was the pain. Fantasy spankings don't hurt; real ones do. But they hurt so good!

The next surprise was that, while I had only thought of being spanked while over someone's knee, there are plenty of other positions that are equally efficient.

Finally, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my husband gets just as much pleasure from it as I do. I still think I get the better end of the deal, but he's quite happy doing what he does so well.

Amy: Unfortunately, I was disappointed with my first spanking. It had always been my fantasy, not his.

Over the years, I had hinted and bratted in hopes that he would spank me. However, when I did finally get the courage up to talk to him about it, using Bonnie's website as a stepping stone, I felt it took away from the first time he actually did do it. Part of the fantasy for me was for him to take control for a change. So the first spanking didn't hurt at all and was really quite dull and without any emotion.

The spankings have gotten better over time. However, he still doesn't understand it totally. I know I could attempt to explain it to him again, but to be honest, I get tired of having to dictate what I need. That may sound mean, but I have gotten tired of being the creative one all of the time. Sigh...

Paul: Being a spanker, I have a different take on the question. The first time I spanked my wife was on the ferry to France and our honeymoon. Mel was 18, just that day. We had waited four years for this day. Mel was as taut as a violin string. She wanted me to take her, hard and fast. I was tempted, but I wanted our first time to be memorable, so I explained and said “no, wait.”

Waiting was never Mel's strong suite. Mel didn't like it and her language became strong, not f***ing and blinding because she was well brought up, but casting doubts on my paternity and my love for her and even my sexuality. Considering that she had just solemnly promised to honour and obey, I put the pillows from the bunks on the bottom bunk, flipped her skirt up and her knickers down and spanked her, hard, much to her surprise.

I joined her in the bunk, held her in my arms, within five minutes she was asleep. Our wedding night was indeed memorable and she was very grateful that I spanked her and didn't give in. That is when we discovered the calming affect of a stress-buster.

I don't know if this will help your reader, Bonnie, but it will serve to remind her that spanking can serve many ends. Chuckles!

Anon: Although I had been spanked in the past and knew it was integral to my sexual and personal being, I had been out of experience for quite something like 15 years until the breakup of my marriage! It had been very vanilla. I determined that the next time around, I was going to be totally honest about my spanking passion/needs/desires!

I met my partner on the net and had sent him a tawse as a present before meeting for the first time! At that meeting /date, I was more fixated on him as a person than spanking, but when he brought the tawse to the restaurant and showed it to me, I made the comment that he could not use it there! When he replied he could use it anywhere he chose, I knew I was in the hands where I needed to be!

The surprise of the first spanking, like so many others have said, was the extent of the bruising. Initially, I was horrified, but now I long for it! Alas, they just do not appear on this leather-like bottom any more!

The second surprise that I experienced was that I was much more aroused and able to take a more severe spanking when I was verbally chastised at the time of the spanking than when not!

Now, many spankings later, I continue to be surprised at how much the spanking hurts and, at the time, I want it to stop. Yet the after effects of a good hard spanking are so much more pleasurable than those of the short soft ones!

I so much appreciate this blog! Cheers to fellow Canadian Hermione for last week!

I will show my response to my man now and I will undoubtedly have a very sore bottom this afternoon! Happy Father's Day!

Tina: I thought there were many surprises. Like some of the others, I thought, and still think, that the pain is terribly heavy in reality. In my dreams, the pain was lovely. In reality, it is frightening. In a dream, it is possible to imagine that the male dominates. However, in the dream one certainly has 100% control of any detail at all times. In reality, without this kind of control, the spanking may be harder than expected, or longer, or it happens when one is very tired.

Finally, unlike one of the other people, I was surprised by how much spanking and sex mix. In my dreams, there used to be pain and lust, but no sex in the narrow sense.

All in all, reality is still much better than all the dreaming I did for decades!

Greenwoman: It wasn't until after my first spanking that I started to fantasize about spanking. Before that, my kink fantasy was always bondage, not spanking. Now I want a spanking all the time. *grins* I didn't expect a spanking to feel so erotic or to be such a stress buster. I thought it would be intensely humiliating. It’s not. I feel very honored by it. I expected to feel bruised up too and I wasn't. I think the sex is always better following a spanking too!

New Beginnings: After I had come out to Nick, but before he spanked me for the first time, he made the point that while I might have liked the idea of spanking, the real think just might not be to my liking. He almost had me convinced, or at least a little worried. But this time, Nick was WRONG! I loved it from the first time we tried it, and it only gets better.

Terry: The one thing that surprised me about the first real spanking she gave me was how quickly fear gave way to incredible excitement at being over her knee.

I didn't expect scoldings to hurt so much! Scorn in Mistress's voice is as bad as a switch to me. And I thought even punishment spankings would feel erotic to me. Wrong! I hate being in trouble, period. What didn't I think of before hand? The reality of it. EEP!

Everything about real time was better! It’s more intense and personal. It’s a shared experience.

Bad surprises? I’d say the intensity of my first punishment. She set me on fire.

Girl: What surprised me? I wouldn't exactly say surprised, but what I found a challenge was that my partner and I have very different ways of using terms. He prefers to refer to me as a good girl at most times unless I've actually been a "naughty girl" whereas I enjoy being called a naughty girl on the occasion for fun. So, what I've found to be a challenge is tying together the ends of our interests and fantasies and making them as one.

What may have surprised me was how loud I can scream. That was a surprise. As a side note, I constantly thought of myself as someone who could be dominated in the bedroom but not in other aspects. I am now actually beginning to feel, after having been collared, that I am someone who enjoys having someone to call Sir on a more frequent basis.

Come what may, I’m glad you’re still with us.

Elle: My first spanking from a boyfriend was at an age when he barely knew what sex was, let alone understood my kink. To say I was an early developer may be understating it. He was nervous and afraid of this strange seductive girl begging him to smack her and it was all very embarrassing.

However, my last partner was the first one who ever spanked me as I wanted it to be. The thing that surprised me was just how perfect it was. It hurt just in the right way and he knew what I wanted and read my body very well.

The only unpleasant thing is that I remember being convinced everyone who looked at me could tell. I thought they somehow KNEW. It's a strange feeling, but you might find out what I mean.

So, overall, I would say the most important thing is actually with whom you are doing it. If you love and trust this person, it should be a good experience, despite whatever surprises befall you.

I've got a new (very new) boyfriend and things are shaping up to be even better than the last one. *grins* Hopefully, you get off to as good a start as we have!

Big D: I've had three big surprises in my spanking journey: First, how much it aroused me (I went into it originally as strictly a disciplinary matter). After meeting the love of my life last summer, my other two surprises were: (1) that he agreed to try spanking me, and (2) how much he truly enjoys it. Now we're trading sexy spankings as part of our best-of-our-lives romantic fun.

Bonnie, your blog has been the biggest help in my spanking journey. Thanks tremendously for it!

You’re very welcome, Big D!

Lucy: My first real spanking experience was with Jekyll when we were in our late teens. It was actually a disappointment, and I was embarrassed that I had asked. We went on to have many memorable spankings. I think it's important to recognize that fantasy and reality don't always match up perfectly. A first spanking isn't always perfect, especially if both partners are new to it. Communicate and remember, if at first you don't succeed, spank, spank again!

~K: Opportunity wasn't easy to come by when I first started talking about spankings with my hubby. So, although he was all for it, it was a while before we got to try it. Until then, he really spiced up our sex life telling me naughty stories of how he would enjoy spanking me. When we finally got to try it, we were both a little disappointed by the actual experience. The important thing was that we talked about it after. Communication is really a necessity with spanking.

I wasn't really surprised by the pain that most others have mentioned. I don't find it all that painful. Of course, we only spank for fun and erotic purposes. Hubby tries out any new toys and starts each spanking slowly and builds up the intensity. Even from this limited experience, I am quite sure the pain of a real punishment spanking would shock me. Last night's new toy, a bamboo bath brush, could quite easily be painful with very little effort on his part. It wasn't long before I told him we could use that one for a bit of variety, but it just isn't suited for extended use.

What did surprise me was how much I would crave more. It started out just a fun addition to foreplay, with only his hand and a crafty leather paddle I made. I never expected to have any interest in trying a belt or anything made of wood. Hubby and I were equally surprised when I expressed curiosity about his belt and even more surprised at how much I liked it. He has no doubt it's my favorite, but I don't think he really comprehends just how good it feels.

Another surprise was how spanking for even just erotic purposes has led to me recognizing the balance of power in our relationship was skewed with me being too much in charge. A family therapist told us all this a while back, but I wasn't buying it then. There are plenty of reasons for it, but I have started talking to my husband about it and offering him his well earned position as head of our household. I don't think punishment is in our future, but even just being open to considering a mild discipline relationship surprised me. That was something I had never thought of.

As for bad surprises, the only one we've had is my reaction to the idea that I made my husband feel he needed to beat me to keep me happy. He and I both know this is as far from the truth as you can get and just a poor choice of words. He wanted reassurance that he was meeting my needs, and I overreacted to his use of the word "beat" in the way he phrased his question. But misunderstandings can happen so easily with spanking. That's why communication is so important. We worked through it without too much trouble, but there have been a few emotional days. In the end, though, on my rear end, it's really worth it.

Good luck to the author of your question and any other newbies out there.

Mary: I think it both hurt more and less than expected, if that makes any sense. I did get a warm up. I found out I hated the corner, and the thing that still kind of gets me is how it is fine to be totally nude together, but having my panties pulled down still feels embarrassing.

Michelle: It hurt more than I thought it would. I anticipated the sting, but not so much the pain. And I could take more pain than I realized. Also, the pain wore off faster than I imagined, and a hand is a lot more painful than I thought. I bruise a lot faster than I imagined too.

I-Gal: The first time that J spanked me was everything I hoped it would be and more. He started using his hand and then took off his belt to use as well. The sound of his belt ripping through the belt loops as he pulled it out of his trousers gave me so many mixed emotions: anticipation, excitement, and of course some fear. Those same emotions continue to this day. J has mastered spanking and just when I think I cannot take any more, he spanks longer. The man knows exactly what I need and exactly when I need it. I melt into his arms after he spanks me. He is the master of his domain. What do couples do who don't spank?

PM Duo: The biggest surprise was how much it hurt. He was pretty reluctant to try, so I figured he wouldn't spank hard. Boy, was I wrong! The other thing that surprised me was how much I enjoyed the feeling of him being in control and how good it felt to be over his knee.

Terpsichore: I was so happy to share my fantasy with my husband and even more happy when he was receptive about it. I was overjoyed that even just talking about it and taking little baby steps improved our communication and our intimacy. What I did not expect was to have to wait so long before receiving my first real adult spanking. Every couple is different and, for us, the process is going very slowly. Before sharing the fantasy I was fine, but after, I wanted it so much more. Fortunately, there are lots of friends out here to talk with and learn from. Wish you the best... :-)

Love 4 Her: I have only had a few spankings with the wooden spoon. They were more playful on her part than serious. The last time was when she caught me lying on the bed naked on my belly looking out the window. She surprised me with the scolding and several playful taps. She is usually not so verbal and that added excitement.

The real spankings I have experienced have been playful and quick. My fantasy spankings are much more drawn out and thick with anticipation and longing and scolding. She really does not understand my need for a spanking, nor my desire to have the limit pushed, even possibly to the point of tears on my part. I very much want to submit.

What she gives I love, but I wish for so much more than she can understand and therefore be capable of giving. It is just not her kink, but I hope that somehow she can grow into it.

Another Mary: This is all new territory for my husband and me. After letting his all-too-subtle hints and random smacks sit unanswered for over twenty years of marriage (!), I took an opening he gave me in a funny voice mail when I was traveling about punishing me for ignoring his calls and finally admitted that I desperately wanted him to spank me.

The first time wasn't much of a spanking, compared to quickly following later ones. But yes, it did really hurt, but so much hotter and more exciting than I ever expected. The whole experience was far beyond what I ever imagined. I was actually afraid I might be disappointed, but not so! For us, spanking is all about sex, as Bonnie would say, and maybe I'm not so surprised how the spanking has charged up the sex, but the intimacy and fun back in our relationship is such a joy too.

Talking, as everyone says, makes all the difference. I had to encourage my husband to spank me as long and hard as I wanted, to reassure him that he wasn't really hurting me, or maybe only in the best possible way! It still amazes me sometimes that we're actually talking about and doing something that apparently we've both always wanted to do – though it took him some time to admit that he never thought it possible that I would want him to actually spank me and that I would love it. He thought spanking was just a fantasy. So now we're talking about other fantasies that we might bring to life!

The only real surprise, as someone said earlier, was how much actually spanking makes me crave more and more (and I think for him too...)

Bonnie: I think what surprised me most about our earliest spankings was how much fun they were. Even though these spankings were very sexy, we laughed a lot. In retrospect, perhaps nerves played a role in our response, but it was still delightful fun!

The originator of the question wrote back to say:

It’s fun reading all of the responses. They confirmed some things I guessed might be the case, and I learned some things I did not know to expect. I feel more confident now in taking the next step and I'm definitely looking forward to it!

Thank you all for your wonderful answers.

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