Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for June 16

Happy Father's Day! Our topic this time was whether and how relationships progress from recreational spanking to domestic discipline. Here's what you had to say.

Kenzie: We sure did. When I first brought it up to him, I brought up spanking in a playful, foreplay kind of way. After a few months, I slowly began bringing up other DD things. Eventually, it just turned into a DD relationship where the spanking was fun, but also discipline.

Dragon's Rose: Yep. I wanted DD, but Dragon didn't. After a lot of begging on my part, I talked him into fun spankings. After a few years, I asked for DD again. He said yes. It took a bit of trial and error to find the right balance. A few tears and lots of hugs. Now he is an absolute spanko. There's no turning back now.

*Bonnie*: No. I don't know if we will ever be in a full DD relationship. I would like it, but for him, spanking is just a fun thing we do. If it became discipline, it wouldn't be a playful thing, it would be work. He is having a hard time with that transition.

Reece Seever: Yes. We engaged in light spanking, pretending that it was "punishment" for bad acts, but it was really just role playing. We later agreed that needed to stop, and we then began experimenting with DD.

Hermione: We started with playful spankings as a regular part of foreplay. The spankings grew more structured and intense over time, as we experimented with implements and rituals. We do not, however, have a DD relationship. Spankings are still for pain and pleasure.

Mona Lisa: We have started with spanking for pleasure. DD is not something we want in our marriage.

Christy: We started with spankings in the bedroom just for fun. Then we hit a really hard spot in our relationship. I lost the motivation to do anything. I didn't want to take care of him, the children, or the house. I brought up DD to him as a way to help improve our relationship. It took a long time to make the transition, but it works for us. We don't fight as much and I feel closer to him than I ever have before. We are happier now and everyone is taken care of.

Kim B.: No. There was no play spanking for us. I was a very dominant female, so if he had spanked me, I would of spanked back!

Once while we were dating exclusively and on a trip to Chicago, I broke his razor being green with jealousy for no reason. He spanked me OTK. I was flabbergasted, but I knew then he was for me. That was almost 25 years ago! We don't play spank because it only seems to cause bratting for a real one which I still get a lot! Without it, I don't know where we would be!

Kurt: Our spanking started when I mentioned to my bride that my first wife had liked to be spanked. Being an adventurous sort, she said that she might like to try that. It was exciting , and became a part of our lovemaking. Then we evolved into playing with it, especially if we were betting on games, like ping-pong which really lends itself to betting swats for the loser. LOL Although I was the life-long spanko, and the top, I agreed to get swatted if I lost the games. We played cribbage, checkers, whatever for a swat a point, and still do. That evolved into some other spanking and paddling for our Better Living Through Compensation, which I've mentioned before as well as a little discipline, though we really don't need that often.

I recall a wooden cribbage board once serving as a surprisingly effective paddle.

Our Bottoms Burn: After over three decades, it still for fun. Discipline for alpha's? Not hardly.

Bob B: I have always been a top and spanking has always turned me on sexually, so I have always used it as foreplay. I have always been up front with all my girlfriends and have been very lucky with the ones I have been with. I don’t think any of them have been particularly into it, but accepted it as part of our sex life. Especially my lovely wife who says it turns her on because it turns me on so much. Having a high pain tolerance helps as well of course.

None of my relationships have been based around domestic discipline, it would have to be a need of the person I was with, having no desire myself to discipline anyone because I thought they need it.

Archedone: Spanking was my idea. I've always had the desire to have a woman spank me. I love the feeling of giving up control prior to being spanked and during. We do not have a DD relationship, but role play at it. That does not mean she does not set my bottom on fire and leave a few welts. She didn't care for it at first, not understanding why I liked and wanted to be spanked and the fear of injuring me. Once we passed that part, she was all for it, and now enjoys spanking me.

Roz: Yes, we engaged in spanking for play before introducing DD to our relationship. I am naturally submissive, in that I have always tended to defer to others' views, decisions and we decided we wanted to try taking it further than the bedroom.

The transition wasn't easy, it took some time to develop and to get used to. We started slowly with some rules being introduced and progressed from there.

D.: One day I gave in to temptation, and landed a hearty spank on the pouting seat of S's tight skirt. She gave a surprised squeal, and then gave me a cheeky grin to show me that this was acceptable. From there, we progressed and it was not long before her bare bottom was getting spanked long and hard, but lovingly, raising it to a smarting glow. As I said last week, she is usually quite willing to offer her bottom to my spanking whims, which raise her to a pitch of sexy excitement. We also play games,in which she gets spanked if she loses.

DD is another matter; it implies a penalty for an offence, which would have to be severe enough to make its point, and could well put her off our happy fun spankings. DD is not for us, thanks.

Hobbes: It started as fun and has remained that since neither of us wants anything else.

Tricia: My hubby has spanked me for fun for most of our relationship. I came across DD about 9 months ago and finally brought the idea to him about 6 months ago. It was a harder transition for him I think. He didn't feel that spankings as discipline would help when I actually like to be spanked.

That was NOT the case AT ALL! Totally different feelings and emotions are involved with the two. One thing that I have noticed is that I've only had like one "fun" spanking (with the exception of playful swats) since starting DD. :( I may need to ask about that. ;)

Bonnie: Our path has included many bends and turns. We continue to learn and grow as we proceed through life. Randy spanks me for many reasons and in many different ways. We have much in common with DD couples – I am submissive to him and in most things follow his lead. I embrace this role and find it exciting, fulfilling, and enjoyable. He spanks when he believes it is necessary, appropriate, or desirable. He decides whether or when our spankings happen. My body is available for his pleasure.

And yet, there is one key difference. He does not punish. More accurately, he will not punish. This is his choice. If he were to tell me that a spanking was intended to be punishment, I would take my place across his lap and accept the spanking. But that's not our dynamic.

As an added twist, I have always been turned on by traditional corporal punishment scenarios. We role play spanking and paddling scenes because we both enjoy it. In that moment, it may feel like discipline to me, and it certainly hurts for real, but these activities don't qualify as domestic discipline by any common definition.

Thank you all for your interesting responses. See you next weekend!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for August 22

Our question of the week is actually five questions posed by our friend, romance writer Cara Bristol:

1. How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?

2. Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?

3. Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?

4. Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?

5. What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?

Here are your answers:

Mick:

1. We are in a never ending process of defining discipline and authority.
2. Yes, we each have expectations in this aspect of our relationship.
3. No. The dynamics go across the board. Although there are some things that she is more qualified to handle, I am ultimately in charge.
4. Yes, there are specific behaviors that will always incur a spanking for her.
5. Coming from my perspective as spanker, I'm usually angry at a behavior of hers. Then I calm myself so I can reevaluate what has happened. I'm apprehensive at insisting on a spanking because I know that she'll be upset. During the spanking, I feel relieved and aroused. Afterward, I usually feel very tender and affectionate toward her.

Bonnie:

1. Ours is a somewhat unique relationship in that we don't practice DD in any conventional sense, yet I am submissive and I yield to his authority when he chooses to exercise it. I think our lines are well defined, but he can and does move them occasionally.
2. Yes, absolutely. My husband expects me to fulfill his desires. I expect that he will accept the gift of my freely given submission, love me, handle me in a caring way, and protect me from harm.
3. Yes, for the most part. We each have general areas of responsibility outside of the bedroom.
4. Yes, but not in a punitive sense. These are more unspoken signals between us. For example, if I leave out an implement or wear a thong, a spanking will inevitably result.
5. I've written entire posts on this subject. But in summary, there's apprehension and anticipation before. While I'm being spanked, my emotions range from trying to maintain control to panic when I can't maintain control, and hopefully, to peace and release when I remember that I can surrender my control when it's to someone I trust. When the spanking is over, I typically feel relaxed, revitalized, and usually, sexually aroused. I also feel very connected to my husband. My feelings are completely exposed. Lines of communication are never more open.

Cara: Mick and Bonnie, I appreciate your comments. I do have a couple of follow up questions. Mick, you said during the spanking you feel "relieved." Relieved about what specifically? That she consented to the spanking or that the matter is out in the open?

And Bonnie, you said that during a spanking you're trying to maintain control and panic when you can't. Control over what? Control over the spanking itself or your emotions to it?

Poppy:

1. It's very well defined. I like that he is in charge and he is the kind of person that thrives on that. And yet, in another way, it's not at all defined. We so much embody the roles that we don't have to define them or set out limits and parameters because this is who we are. So, it's defined, but not explicitly explained.
2. We expect him to be in charge and me not to be. He spanks and observes and understands me, but I also have an understanding of bratting and not being mean. I take care of him too. We have normal relationship expectations as well as the more unusual ones. I do expect him to define, observe and deal with poor behaviour. He expects me to expect this.
3. As long as it soothes us both. I decide what we eat very often, but I also cook more than he does. Sometimes, if I am anxious, I need him to take over more decision making because it makes me feel secure and then he will. But as for work and general life, we are pretty equal.
4. Spanking offenses include rudeness, lies, swearing, and not doing as I am told. I am sure there are more. But it is not entirely cut and dried. It is more about him seeing where I am and what needs to be done. The way he manages me leads to me feeling deliriously happy and relaxed. I suppose it is an attitude thing. When a poor attitude takes form, that leads to a spanking.
5. Before a spanking, I may feel anything from rage to sadness to cocky disbelief to happy, silly brattiness to fear. My feelings during a spanking depend upon where I started, but it is always a journey that ends with submission. I relax and accept and the spanking ends after that point. He says he can see it and feel it when I get there. Sometimes, it takes two spanks. Other times, it takes ages and lots of horrible positions, but he gets us both back to where we need to be.

I hope that was not too long winded. These are big questions.

Mick: Cara, it's more that the matter is out in the open. Before we started this, conflicts would hang over us for a long time, but a spanking helps us put issues behind us.

As it were...

Liz Lips: I get spanked by Dan for not eating, not resting, not listening to him or any other associated self destructive behaviours I manifest.
I love and adore the developing trust and confidence I have in our marriage.

Daisy:

1. The discipline and authority are below the surface, really. For all intents and purposes, we are completely equal. But if we disagree on anything, we each state our point of view. He then either concedes that I have a point or decides that I don't! At this point, no matter how much I know(!) I am right, I will defer to him. I promised to obey, after all!
2. Yes. I expect and love the fact that he truly wants the best for me. He wants to help me develop and grow and be the beautiful person he knows I can be. He expects that no matter HOW angry I may be about something, I WILL listen to him and quiet down when he asks me to.
3. Oh yes. We are both equals, as I said. He often defers to my ideas because we both acknowledge the talents each has and we both know our individual strengths and weaknesses. We complement each other. Its like salt and pepper. They are always found together, yet each has a uniqueness that the other cannot supply.
4. The absolute reason I get spanked is failure to control my temper. I get progressively louder, and despite him warning me several times, I usually end up yelling at him in frustration/anger/sadness etc! At some point, he will issue the final warning, "Daisy, your mouth is writing a check your ass won't want to cash..." But I am usually beyond rational thought by then!
5. Beforehand, I think “Who f****** cares?” Once the spanking has been decided, this turns into "Oh, Sh**, I really blew it again...why did I DO that?”
   
   I will then 1) be sorry and try to dissuade him with big blue eyes. I will plead, beg, and employ persuasive charm. I will be really good, hoping he will forget or change his mind. I will have butterflies in my stomach that grow into pterodactyls. Even though I will try to do or promise ANYTHING to avoid the spanking, on those rare occasions when it HASNT taken place, I felt cheated, bereft, and even disappointed! or 2) maintain a stoic, wounded/angry silence. This continues during much of the spanking, until I reach a point where I realise he was right. He KNOWS, without a word being spoken, when I have reached that point.
   
   Afterward, my anger melts into oblivion and I feel safe, loved, at peace, grounded, nurtured. We cuddle and I snuggle into his strength. We are often both emotionally exhausted, and we may both drift off to sleep...

At this point I should tell you I answered as though it were a punishment spanking;. There are so many other sorts, including maintenance, good girl, erotic, etc, and the feelings then are so different! ;)

Bonnie: Cara, during the course of a spanking, I struggle to maintain control over myself, my reactions to the pain I am feeling, my racing thoughts, and my surging emotions. I want to be stoic. I want to feel as though I can take it all.

Fortunately, Randy knows that we can't realize the many benefits of a hard spanking until he pushes me well beyond this threshold. I have to let go, to relax, to accept his gift, and to fully submit. As much as I may need to reach this serene place, it's very natural to try to resist processing the pain.

When I finally capitulate within my own mind, I embrace the pain and allow it to wash over me. My body is now his to enjoy as he chooses. I feel euphoric and utterly compliant.

I cannot control the spanking itself, nor would I want to. My role is to accept everything my husband offers.

Cara: Daisy, thank you for the detailed, specific response! In what ways is a maintenance spanking different from a punishment spanking? A spanking is generally painful, right? So what is it about the experience that makes punishment, maintenance and erotic spankings different from each other? And is there crossover?

Elisabeth:

1. Discipline and authority are very clearly defined. We practice DD and my husband is the Dominant and I am the submissive. We have written rules, general behavior expectations, punishment/maintenance routines, etc.
2. The main expectation is that he leads and I follow. Within those parameters, we set goals as a couple and then my husband sets up rules that will help us achieve those goals.
3. Yes. We discuss "real life" issues as we always have, but with some major positive changes. We are respectful of each other. We rarely raise our voices. We walk away if we get worked up, and we both know that if we come to a true impasse, my husband will consider both sides and make the best choice for US.
4. Spanking infractions include failure to follow the rules, backtalk, rudeness, forgetting important tasks, etc.
5. I'll focus on my thoughts and feelings in the cycle of a punishment spanking. Beforehand, I typically feel apprehensive. I'm not afraid because I know he would never injure me, but at the same time, I know it is going to hurt. More importantly, I'm a little ashamed that I acted the way I did in the first place. Why didn't I think before I spoke? Why didn't I write that task down on my to do list?
   
   During the spanking, I am very focused on what's happening. I'm very attuned to the light in the room, the feel of my hips on his lap, the sound of each spank.
   
   Afterward, I am a little petulant about the fact that I've been spanked. Typically, I have to sit by myself for a few minutes, and during this time, my anger/annoyance dissipate. After my few minutes of contemplation, we cuddle and sit together and I feel any resentment melt away. This cuddle time is like a "restart" button. Whatever I did to warrant the punishment is wiped off the slate and when we rise from the bed to go about our evening, we are back to our normal happy selves and the issue is gone (though not forgotten!).
6. There isn't much crossover for me. Erotic spankings are the easiest to separate. They are in the heat of the moment and are just bare-handed (as opposed to using the paddle or another instrument). I have specific outfits for punishment and maintenance, so there is a physical/visual distinction from the outset. Maintenance is planned ahead, is much more gentle, and is simply meant to remind me of my tasks and my commitment to submission. I usually don't have to retreat and contemplate after a maintenance session, because I haven't done anything wrong. Punishment spankings are harsher, longer, and have a definite tension in the air between us that makes their purpose clear.

Hermione:

1. Ours is not a DD relationship, but my husband has the final say in matters that result in a difference of opinion. I submit to his authority, and he in turn gives my opinions serious consideration.
2. My husband expects me to respect his wishes and do whatever I can to please him. In return, I expect respect and understanding for my personal foibles that make me who I am.
3. We each have separate responsibilities for other matters, and take care of them independently.
4. Specific behaviours aren't a part of the reason for a spanking. We engage in it regularly at specific times, and it's an enjoyable activity for both of us. Our spankings are never for discipline or punishment. If I ask for one, I'm pretty sure I'll get one.
5. Before, I feel excited and apprehensive. When it starts, I almost always think it hurts too much, but I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to stop. I'll usually joke about the pain, and will protest if he takes me seriously and threatens to stop. The pain lessens and the enjoyment increases as the spanking progresses. It's up to my husband to call a halt to the proceedings. He's in charge. Afterward, I feel pleasantly sore, very warm and loving towards the one who made that soreness happen, and both exhilarated and exhausted.

Thanks, everyone, for your insightful responses!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Aug 12

Our question this week dealt with domestic discipline. As I had hoped, participant responses covered a wide range of viewpoints.

Abby: When I first started living with the man who would become my husband, I left the iron on. Spanking had been a part of our dialogue and our play since day one, so it should have come to no surprise when he said I was to be punished for the iron. I insisted he not punish me for it, saying, "I don't want to live in fear every day." He agreed, and we made spanking for play purposes only.

In the first few days after we got married, I changed my mind. I realized that it was a fun way of combining our play with real-life events that had no real negative consequences. So I've been punished for having a little too much to drink (the next day, once I was sober) or for forgetting to cash one of our wedding checks. But my partner is my partner; we are equals. If I did not want to be punished, I wouldn't be. From my understanding of domestic discipline, I wouldn't have that choice, and that frightens me. I like that in my relationship. No matter how much I may play the naughty girl for fun, I am still in charge of what happens to me.

Paul: We had a D/D marriage and Mel expected to be punished for wrong doing. In the early days, while she was at university, she was, at her own request, punished for slacking at her studies. After she graduated, this was rarely necessary. Seven years into our marriage, Mel was rarely punished severely. It was instead stress busters and an occasional attitude adjustment.

Erotic spanking as foreplay fulfilled our spanking needs very well.

Heather: We are ten months into a D/D relationship where it is understood if I transgress (i.e. become saucy), I will indeed be punished verbally and with a spanking!

As I have not been spanked in years, I take every opportunity to be saucy. Hence, I am punished very often! My man is brand new to spanking and does not yet see the link between spanking and sex. For me, however, the threat of being spanked is the greatest aphrodisiac I have ever had!

I am a professional woman, very independent, and with huge responsibilities. On the home front, we share decisions of the household, but it is very freeing to have my man in charge of my behavior.

I love Sunday Brunch! It has helped me tremendously to normalize my lifelong sexual quirk!

Welcome Heather!

Paige: My hubby and I don't practice domestic discipline. Although I know a lot of couples do practice it, it's definitely not something that would ever work for us. Spanking is totally and completely sexual for us. Of course, we role-play scenarios where I get "bad-girl" spankings, but it's all in fun!

Hermione: We do not have a domestic discipline relationship. We practice erotic spanking only, as foreplay.

Having said that, all my fantasies are about being punished. I have often tried to encourage spanking for punishment, but my efforts have not succeeded. If I acknowledge that I have done something wrong, and ask if I am in trouble, the answer is "No." Or if I ask what will happen, Ron says, "Nothing". My husband knows I love spanking and it seems to him to be a reward, not a punishment. None of our spankings are ever prolonged or very severe.

I believe in the saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it! I am delighted to have a husband who spanks me. We are moving into a more consistent D/s relationship which we both enjoy. (I think Ron feels it's about time I started being more submissive VBG).

I have gotten so many ideas from this blog, and have a few new implements to try out. I am more interested in enhancing the spankings themselves than worrying about why they are happening.

Purple Angel: I think the problem with the term Domestic Discipline is the problem with all labels. They mean different things to different people.

So I will be happy to share what it means to me. It is one facet of my spanking relationship. Yes, I am accountable to two men. One is the older brother I always wanted and never had. The other is the love of my life. Even though we are still in the long distance phase of our relationship we are accountable to each other. We switch in our Domestic Discipline aspect as we do in all other spanking activities.

I also must comment on humiliation. I don't believe humiliation is necessary. I was humiliated so much as an abused child that I could never see it as part of a loving relationship. I do admit that at times I am embarrassed by the vulnerable positions I find my body in while unclothed, but I am never ridiculed or humiliated.

Accountability does not mean that either of these men or I believe I don't have the intelligence to make the right decisions. It is just a necessary reminder when I lose track or back slide. Then I can expect a very severe spanking and lecture. Neither of them uses corner time much since they feel that once I have been spanked and forgiven, sending me away from their comforting arms is counterproductive. But if they sent me to the corner, I would go.

While I love all the other facets of spanking and would never want a never ending diet of discipline only, I do need it and want it in my life. It completely frees me of guilt and I get a chance to start anew. And because I can get delicious spankings for other reasons, I don't break rules to try and force spankings. I would rather have a “Just Because” spanking than a discipline spanking any day.

D: It just so happens S and I had a discussion about this last night. S required my assistance with some work she had planned, and threatened me with a spanking if I did not help. Then she changed her mind and threatened NOT to spank me if I did not help.

The confusion is that spanking is for fun in our relationship. It’s foreplay and sex, not a punitive process at all.

For a spanking to work as a punishment, it has to be removed from sexual foreplay to a separate action altogether. For me, that would mean being spanked with an implement that I do not like, with a force and quantity that really hurts, and a scolding to explain why I was being punished, and no sex.

I am quite willing to go along with this. We don't actually have an implement that I do not like, but I suppose a big wooden paddle or a cane would fit the bill as I really don't like the idea of being spanked with either of these items. Force and quantity would be up to S.

I’ve posted this response on my blog My Spanked Cheeks.

PK: You often seem to ask the questions I seem to be thinking about. We don't do DD. We have talked about it (well, I'VE talked about it) a lot. But I don't think it will ever happen. I don't want some mega-dom. I don't need a boss telling me every move to make. I think I am just looking for the reassurance that comes with DD. I see it as the ultimate form of caring and love. I am in charge at work, I make most of the decisions concerning the children, and we share all major decisions concerning finances. All that is good, but sometimes I want the luxury of being told what to do and the feeling that he cared enough to spank if I just ignored him. Even just roll play would serve this need I think. I like the idea of DD, I don’t see it as harsh, or mean or even all that domineering. I think that if this is something that a woman feels she needs, it is a loving, caring gift her husband can give.

swan: Ours is a power exchange dynamic that can and does incorporate "discipline" on occasion, but I really believe that we have left "domestic discipline" behind in our relating to one another. There are a lot of reasons for that. For a fairly in-depth discussion of my recent thinking about that, it is probably easiest to go to my blog and read what I wrote recently about domestic discipline.

Bonnie: The relationship I share with Randy has many of the attributes people associate with domestic discipline. One of us is dominant and the other submissive. There are spankings. We care deeply about the welfare of each other. However, we lack the one defining element – punishment. That’s simply not part of our vocabulary.

We use spankings for many different purposes, but it’s always positive. We have long joked that Randy could no more punish me with a spanking than he could by feeding me chocolate fudge. It would be confusing for us to try to twist this very affirmative part of our lives into something negative. To us, that would dilute the power and purity of our experiences.

Having said all that, Hermione came close to my feelings when she said, “All my fantasies are about being punished.” Real punishment wouldn’t work for us, but role play provides an easy way to tap into those deep cravings. Randy knows all this and delights in constructing rich fantasy scenarios that press my emotional buttons. The results are often simply amazing.

Under the conventional definition of DD, Randy and I don’t qualify.

Southern Angel: I do tend to define my relationship as a D/D relationship. But I don't let JD punish me because I feel a need for discipline. It is more a way to keep balance in our relationship. But JD and I don't tend to do anything to *normal* way. :)

Thank you all for sharing your insight and your experiences.