Sunday, August 22, 2010

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for August 22

Our question of the week is actually five questions posed by our friend, romance writer Cara Bristol:

1. How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?

2. Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?

3. Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?

4. Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?

5. What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?

Here are your answers:

  1. We are in a never ending process of defining discipline and authority.
  2. Yes, we each have expectations in this aspect of our relationship.
  3. No. The dynamics go across the board. Although there are some things that she is more qualified to handle, I am ultimately in charge.
  4. Yes, there are specific behaviors that will always incur a spanking for her.
  5. Coming from my perspective as spanker, I'm usually angry at a behavior of hers. Then I calm myself so I can reevaluate what has happened. I'm apprehensive at insisting on a spanking because I know that she'll be upset. During the spanking, I feel relieved and aroused. Afterward, I usually feel very tender and affectionate toward her.
  1. Ours is a somewhat unique relationship in that we don't practice DD in any conventional sense, yet I am submissive and I yield to his authority when he chooses to exercise it. I think our lines are well defined, but he can and does move them occasionally.
  2. Yes, absolutely. My husband expects me to fulfill his desires. I expect that he will accept the gift of my freely given submission, love me, handle me in a caring way, and protect me from harm.
  3. Yes, for the most part. We each have general areas of responsibility outside of the bedroom.
  4. Yes, but not in a punitive sense. These are more unspoken signals between us. For example, if I leave out an implement or wear a thong, a spanking will inevitably result.
  5. I've written entire posts on this subject. But in summary, there's apprehension and anticipation before. While I'm being spanked, my emotions range from trying to maintain control to panic when I can't maintain control, and hopefully, to peace and release when I remember that I can surrender my control when it's to someone I trust. When the spanking is over, I typically feel relaxed, revitalized, and usually, sexually aroused. I also feel very connected to my husband. My feelings are completely exposed. Lines of communication are never more open.
Cara: Mick and Bonnie, I appreciate your comments. I do have a couple of follow up questions. Mick, you said during the spanking you feel "relieved." Relieved about what specifically? That she consented to the spanking or that the matter is out in the open?

And Bonnie, you said that during a spanking you're trying to maintain control and panic when you can't. Control over what? Control over the spanking itself or your emotions to it?

  1. It's very well defined. I like that he is in charge and he is the kind of person that thrives on that. And yet, in another way, it's not at all defined. We so much embody the roles that we don't have to define them or set out limits and parameters because this is who we are. So, it's defined, but not explicitly explained.
  2. We expect him to be in charge and me not to be. He spanks and observes and understands me, but I also have an understanding of bratting and not being mean. I take care of him too. We have normal relationship expectations as well as the more unusual ones. I do expect him to define, observe and deal with poor behaviour. He expects me to expect this.
  3. As long as it soothes us both. I decide what we eat very often, but I also cook more than he does. Sometimes, if I am anxious, I need him to take over more decision making because it makes me feel secure and then he will. But as for work and general life, we are pretty equal.
  4. Spanking offenses include rudeness, lies, swearing, and not doing as I am told. I am sure there are more. But it is not entirely cut and dried. It is more about him seeing where I am and what needs to be done. The way he manages me leads to me feeling deliriously happy and relaxed. I suppose it is an attitude thing. When a poor attitude takes form, that leads to a spanking.
  5. Before a spanking, I may feel anything from rage to sadness to cocky disbelief to happy, silly brattiness to fear. My feelings during a spanking depend upon where I started, but it is always a journey that ends with submission. I relax and accept and the spanking ends after that point. He says he can see it and feel it when I get there. Sometimes, it takes two spanks. Other times, it takes ages and lots of horrible positions, but he gets us both back to where we need to be.
I hope that was not too long winded. These are big questions.

Mick: Cara, it's more that the matter is out in the open. Before we started this, conflicts would hang over us for a long time, but a spanking helps us put issues behind us.

As it were...

Liz Lips: I get spanked by Dan for not eating, not resting, not listening to him or any other associated self destructive behaviours I manifest.
I love and adore the developing trust and confidence I have in our marriage.

  1. The discipline and authority are below the surface, really. For all intents and purposes, we are completely equal. But if we disagree on anything, we each state our point of view. He then either concedes that I have a point or decides that I don't! At this point, no matter how much I know(!) I am right, I will defer to him. I promised to obey, after all!
  2. Yes. I expect and love the fact that he truly wants the best for me. He wants to help me develop and grow and be the beautiful person he knows I can be. He expects that no matter HOW angry I may be about something, I WILL listen to him and quiet down when he asks me to.
  3. Oh yes. We are both equals, as I said. He often defers to my ideas because we both acknowledge the talents each has and we both know our individual strengths and weaknesses. We complement each other. Its like salt and pepper. They are always found together, yet each has a uniqueness that the other cannot supply.
  4. The absolute reason I get spanked is failure to control my temper. I get progressively louder, and despite him warning me several times, I usually end up yelling at him in frustration/anger/sadness etc! At some point, he will issue the final warning, "Daisy, your mouth is writing a check your ass won't want to cash..." But I am usually beyond rational thought by then!
  5. Beforehand, I think “Who f****** cares?” Once the spanking has been decided, this turns into "Oh, Sh**, I really blew it again...why did I DO that?”

    I will then 1) be sorry and try to dissuade him with big blue eyes. I will plead, beg, and employ persuasive charm. I will be really good, hoping he will forget or change his mind. I will have butterflies in my stomach that grow into pterodactyls. Even though I will try to do or promise ANYTHING to avoid the spanking, on those rare occasions when it HASNT taken place, I felt cheated, bereft, and even disappointed! or 2) maintain a stoic, wounded/angry silence. This continues during much of the spanking, until I reach a point where I realise he was right. He KNOWS, without a word being spoken, when I have reached that point.

    Afterward, my anger melts into oblivion and I feel safe, loved, at peace, grounded, nurtured. We cuddle and I snuggle into his strength. We are often both emotionally exhausted, and we may both drift off to sleep...
At this point I should tell you I answered as though it were a punishment spanking;. There are so many other sorts, including maintenance, good girl, erotic, etc, and the feelings then are so different! ;)

Bonnie: Cara, during the course of a spanking, I struggle to maintain control over myself, my reactions to the pain I am feeling, my racing thoughts, and my surging emotions. I want to be stoic. I want to feel as though I can take it all.

Fortunately, Randy knows that we can't realize the many benefits of a hard spanking until he pushes me well beyond this threshold. I have to let go, to relax, to accept his gift, and to fully submit. As much as I may need to reach this serene place, it's very natural to try to resist processing the pain.

When I finally capitulate within my own mind, I embrace the pain and allow it to wash over me. My body is now his to enjoy as he chooses. I feel euphoric and utterly compliant.

I cannot control the spanking itself, nor would I want to. My role is to accept everything my husband offers.

Cara: Daisy, thank you for the detailed, specific response! In what ways is a maintenance spanking different from a punishment spanking? A spanking is generally painful, right? So what is it about the experience that makes punishment, maintenance and erotic spankings different from each other? And is there crossover?

  1. Discipline and authority are very clearly defined. We practice DD and my husband is the Dominant and I am the submissive. We have written rules, general behavior expectations, punishment/maintenance routines, etc.
  2. The main expectation is that he leads and I follow. Within those parameters, we set goals as a couple and then my husband sets up rules that will help us achieve those goals.
  3. Yes. We discuss "real life" issues as we always have, but with some major positive changes. We are respectful of each other. We rarely raise our voices. We walk away if we get worked up, and we both know that if we come to a true impasse, my husband will consider both sides and make the best choice for US.
  4. Spanking infractions include failure to follow the rules, backtalk, rudeness, forgetting important tasks, etc.
  5. I'll focus on my thoughts and feelings in the cycle of a punishment spanking. Beforehand, I typically feel apprehensive. I'm not afraid because I know he would never injure me, but at the same time, I know it is going to hurt. More importantly, I'm a little ashamed that I acted the way I did in the first place. Why didn't I think before I spoke? Why didn't I write that task down on my to do list?

    During the spanking, I am very focused on what's happening. I'm very attuned to the light in the room, the feel of my hips on his lap, the sound of each spank.

    Afterward, I am a little petulant about the fact that I've been spanked. Typically, I have to sit by myself for a few minutes, and during this time, my anger/annoyance dissipate. After my few minutes of contemplation, we cuddle and sit together and I feel any resentment melt away. This cuddle time is like a "restart" button. Whatever I did to warrant the punishment is wiped off the slate and when we rise from the bed to go about our evening, we are back to our normal happy selves and the issue is gone (though not forgotten!).
  6. There isn't much crossover for me. Erotic spankings are the easiest to separate. They are in the heat of the moment and are just bare-handed (as opposed to using the paddle or another instrument). I have specific outfits for punishment and maintenance, so there is a physical/visual distinction from the outset. Maintenance is planned ahead, is much more gentle, and is simply meant to remind me of my tasks and my commitment to submission. I usually don't have to retreat and contemplate after a maintenance session, because I haven't done anything wrong. Punishment spankings are harsher, longer, and have a definite tension in the air between us that makes their purpose clear.
  1. Ours is not a DD relationship, but my husband has the final say in matters that result in a difference of opinion. I submit to his authority, and he in turn gives my opinions serious consideration.
  2. My husband expects me to respect his wishes and do whatever I can to please him. In return, I expect respect and understanding for my personal foibles that make me who I am.
  3. We each have separate responsibilities for other matters, and take care of them independently.
  4. Specific behaviours aren't a part of the reason for a spanking. We engage in it regularly at specific times, and it's an enjoyable activity for both of us. Our spankings are never for discipline or punishment. If I ask for one, I'm pretty sure I'll get one.
  5. Before, I feel excited and apprehensive. When it starts, I almost always think it hurts too much, but I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to stop. I'll usually joke about the pain, and will protest if he takes me seriously and threatens to stop. The pain lessens and the enjoyment increases as the spanking progresses. It's up to my husband to call a halt to the proceedings. He's in charge. Afterward, I feel pleasantly sore, very warm and loving towards the one who made that soreness happen, and both exhilarated and exhausted.
Thanks, everyone, for your insightful responses!

1 comment :

Cara Bristol said...

Thank YOU, Bonnie for the help and thanks to everyone who contributed. This is great info. As an author, I can make certain assumptions, but it's nice to have them them verified. And I learned a few new things.

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