Our brunch topic this week was determining how much spanking is enough and how much is too much. Here are your thoughts.
Ms. Betty: When I spank someone, how much is enough and how much is too much definitely depends upon the person and the reason for the spanking. There are a lot of variables every time. No two sessions are ever the same. This is why I never use set numbers of swats or a set amount of time. I start with deciding what reactions I want to reach, then spank until I get them.
In very, very vague terms, for a fun spanking, I spank until the spankee feels sated. For punishment, I usually stop when there has been the proper amount of pleading and crying, the bottom is a deep enough shade of red and you can feel the heat in their bottom about an inch above the skin. Personally, I think it becomes too much when the skin starts to bruise badly or other injury develops. However, that is merely my personal taste.
Dragonmage: Ms Betty is very right here. There are many variables and no two spankings are ever the same. I have started a spanking with a set number, but I tend to not do that now. I look/listen for a result now – the moans indicating a spanking for pleasure has done its job, or the crying indication that a spanking for punishment has done *its* job. I do try to avoid bruising luvbunny as much as possible, but I like to see that lovely shade of red. ^_^
Daisy: I guess really this is mostly a question for spankers, not spankees! LOL But I agree with both the above comments. From a spankee’s point of view, though, I would not be happy being spanked by a stranger (e.g., these spanking parties I have heard about) as I feel trust and knowledge of each other are paramount to success. For example, I can SOUND very penitent and be sobbing, but if the spanking stopped, I would be disappointed. I might even feel cheated. But my BF recognises other signs, nuances I am actually not aware I make, body language, etc. He continues until he KNOWS he has really achieved his aim, to make sure I KNOW who is boss around here! Every spanking is different, and not just because of the type (fun, erotic, stress, discipline, punishment, reconnection, etc.), but also the reason, and the mental/physical/emotional state of both parties.
When the spanker does not know the spankee, I assume they go by the reaction of the spankee and the state of the area being spanked. There would be less emotional connection, so I presume they would rely more on physical signs.
Personally, though I like to have the redness stay a good while, and proudly display a few bruises (as a trophy!) to give that residual ache for a day or two, I do feel that the huge welts caused by canes, etc., are not so appealing, and broken skin is a definite no-no.
Olivia Manners: The purpose of the spanking has a large influence over how I experience it and what I can take.
If I am being disciplined, I really am sorry. The tears can flow more easily and I feel the spanking a lot more readily. The pain does not ease as much into pleasure, but into letting go of guilt and feeling forgiven for having endured it. The formality of a discipline session is also likely to increase my nervousness, which in turn can heighten how much I feel it. I was going to say lessen how much I take, but for discipline, it is more about having to take whatever I deserve.
If I am being spanked for fun or for being a “good girl,” then the how much is usually concluded by one or more climaxes and when my bottom is a suitable shade of pink. There have been occasions in this context where I have worried about his hand more than my bottom. :)
Across all of my spankings, I think there are other things that can affect how much I take. These include:
- Words such as, “You are taking this very bravely,” that make me want to endure more or a loving and tender, “Good girl, I do love having you across my knee,” that make me feel proud and want to take more
- The variation and order in which implements are being used
- How much of the time my knickers spend up, and then down!
- My monthly cycle
The only time when none of the above applies is when it is not about how much is enough for me, but how much is enough for him because my bottom is for his pleasure.
We have never used a safe word. He just knows where and how far to take me through the familiarity, connection and trust we have built up and I am always amazed and grateful at how he is able to do this. Like Daisy, I can't imagine how this would work with someone with whom I didn't have this connection. That’s because there is so much more than the physical/ formulaic signs of it being enough (redness of the bottom, protests, yelps, moans, tears, and the obvious arousal). It is the how much I can take mentally and emotionally that makes it so powerful.
Paul: All the above have brought out the one essential point.
Having never been to a spanking party or indeed spanked a stranger, so I cannot speak about those situations. But I think that the spanker NEEDS TO KNOW the spankee intimately.
Sure sound, gross body movements, colour are all aids, but it's the subtle body language that tells me when her needs have been filled or the punishment achieved its aim. It's always a learning process as the spankee grows and changes, the spanker must observe and learn. It is a dance of love and strength.
Hermione: This is something I have wondered about too, because I'm not a spanker. I've never been in the position (sorry!) of having had too much. As long as I'm clearly enjoying it, it isn't enough.
Our regular spankings generally follow the same pattern. They have gradually increased in duration, at my request. They go on for the same length of time, whether I'm in a state of bliss or distress depending on the implement involved. That's not a bad thing, because I can squeal or wriggle and not be afraid Ron will take it as a sign to stop.
The spontaneous spankings that happen during our love-making are totally unstructured and, while shorter, are often more intense. Ron decides when we'll move on to some other activity, and he always keeps me guessing.
Tina: Just today, we had a session during which I felt kind of lost and overstrained. It is hot here, and we had played quite intensively the two days before. I think my hubbie always realises such things. Still, there were some minutes when I would have preferred cuddling and no more pain.
We don’t have a safeword, because he always cares and watches, and I would not have used it today anyhow. I rarely ask him to stop, but if I do, I just use plain words. He then stops and does less painful things, and it hasn’t ever destroyed a session yet.
However, I wish I could judge my needs better and tell my hubbie in advance on days like today. Maybe, that is a matter of time and I will learn it one day. We often talk about these things and that’s what we did today too. The trouble is that for spankings and stuff to be perfect, the spanker needs to be in charge. So he can’t just stop whenever there is some whimper, especially not with a spankee like me, who loves to cry and whine.
So, in summarizing, I agree with Paul. The players need to know each other well and they need to communicate.
Alice: This is a difficult question. It seems to be a fine line. I am also a spankee, not a spanker, but He always seems to know. We don't have a safeword. He has, at times asked if I have had enough. I usually don't know. Sometimes, I think it is too much, but when He stops, I think I want more. He has always said He would rather leave me wanting more than take me too far.
Paul is right though. I think the spanker needs to know the spankee intimately.
Mike: For us, it varies each time. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes gentle. Sometimes, it's for long lasting sting, and other times it’s just for a quick little kick start.
How much is enough? When the right juices get flowing. How much is too much? When the spanking stops the right juices once they are flowing.
Stacy: My boyfriend and I are new spankos and we have been experimenting.
For me right now, too much is to the point where I cry. I haven't done so yet, because I am rarely punished (even though he threatens me plenty) or hit hard or long enough.
Enough is to the point where I am moaning with extreme pleasure, because at that point he's all over me.
Soma: I am also a spankee, and like others, my spanker always seems to know when it's enough. Most of my spankings are for discipline/punishment at present. However, I recently had a spanking just because I really was in the mood to be spanked. When it's for discipline, he always decides. But during the recent spanking, he asked if I felt I needed to be spanked more. At the time, I was not sure because I usually don’t decide. I honestly did not know, so the spanking continued. Afterwards, I was able to actually say that when he first asked, it would have not been enough. I wouldn't have felt satiated at that time like I was at the end.
I definitely have not reached a point where it has been too much yet. I think, like Stacy, it would likely be the point where I cry because I have a pretty high pain tolerance and, in general, I rarely ever cry from physical pain.
I am still pretty new to spanking, only having been spanked a few times, and my current spanker is a new partner, so we are still figuring it out. But we are definitely enjoying figuring it out along the way!
Greenwoman: My spanking needs vary a good deal. Lots of things affect my pain tolerance. These include how much pain I'm already in, hormones, mood, and so forth...
Enough is when I'm ready to safe word. When I get to that edge, then I've had enough.
Frankly, I don't know how he tells. I'm busy experiencing. I am sure that my skin tone and wriggles have a lot to do with his assessments.
I'm not a very experienced spanker. I've only spanked two men with any intention of giving some pain. There was a third, but that was a sensual spanking only. There was NO pain involved. With one person, his skin got cold when spanked and turned pale. He also sunk deeply into subspace. He seemed almost asleep. I never did find his edge. The second man was for one occasion only. He didn't have a particularly high tolerance for pain. I quickly found his edge. I danced on it awhile and stopped. He was pink and happy later. His signals were flinching and redness.
Rosy: It definitely varies from spankee to spankee and situation to situation. We never use spanking for discipline, but often for therapy or sensuality. Because of this, I almost always end the session by clearly letting my husband know when I am sated.
If for therapy, he knows to stop when he can feel the tears coming – or when my body relaxes. If for fun, he'll either ask me when my skin is all red, or I'll push myself free to... give him my thanks. Sometimes wiggling is part of the game, so it's always when I insist on pushing free. He's always watching for the end of our session, so I've never even been afraid of receiving too much. :)
Elle: It really does vary, doesn't it? Still, that's what keeps things fun and exciting to me.
The only personal point I want to add is that I always think I want far more than I can handle... until it starts. *giggles*
Bonnie: Randy knows me better sometimes than I know myself. This is especially true when I am draped across his lap and dancing beneath his loving swats. He sometimes takes me further than I think I want to go at that particular moment, but it’s very rare that he actually exceeds my limits. As others have said, this kind of familiarity comes from years of experience together and plenty of discussion.
Randy tells me that he monitors my breathing as much as any other sign. The depth and rate tip him off as to my true state. I’m not entirely sure how that works, but I can assure you that his technique yields effective results.
Thanks, everyone, for your insightful answers. I hope you’ll stop again next Sunday when we put brunch on table and spanking talk on the agenda.
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