Sunday, June 22, 2008

MBS Spanko Brunch #127

Welcome back, one and all, to another weekly installment of our spanko brunch. The topic for this week comes from our friend, Jessica. She wonders about where and how to draw that all important line.

How much spanking is enough? How much is too much? How does a spanker know? Does it vary from one session to the next based upon purpose, setting, mood, reaction, or other factors?

If you would like to add your thoughts to our discussion, and I hope you will, all you need to do is enter a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will post an edited summary.


Ms. Betty said...

When I spank someone how much is enough and how much is too much definitely depends on the person and the reason for the spanking.

There are a lot of variables every time. No two sessions are ever the same for the same person. This is why I never use set numbers of swats or a set amount of time. I start with deciding what reactions I want to reach, then spank until I get them.

In very, very vague terms, for a fun spanking I spank until the spankee feels sated. For punishment, I usually stop when there has been the proper amount of pleading and crying, the bottom is a deep enough shade of red and you can feel the heat in their bottom about an inch above the skin.

Personally, I think it becomes too much when the skin starts to bruise badly or other injury develops. However, that is merely my personal taste.

Ms. Betty

Anonymous said...

Ms Betty is very right here. There are many variables and no two spankings are ever the same. I have started a spanking with a set number, but I tend to not do that now. I look/listen for a result now - the moans indicating a spanking for pleasure has done it's job, or the crying indication a spanking for punishment has done *it's* job. I do try to avoid bruising luvbunny as much as possible, but I like to see that lovely shade of red. ^_^

Daisy said...

I guess really this is mostly a question for spankers, not spankees! lol....
But, I would agree with both the above; from a spankees point of view, though, I would not be happy being spanked by a stranger; (eg these spanking parties I have heard about) as I feel trust and knowledge of each other are paramount to success. For example, I can SOUND very penitent, and be sobbing but if the spanking stopped, I would be disappointed, even feel cheated...but my bf recognises other signs, nuances I am actually not aware I make, body language, etc... and continues until he KNOWS he has really achieved his make sure I KNOW who is boss around here! Every spanking is different; not just because of the type,(fun, erotic, stress, discipline, punishment, reconnection, etc) but also the reason for same, and the mental/physical/emotional state of both parties.
When the spanker does not know the spankee, I assume they go by the reaction of the spankee and the state of the area being spanked...there would be less emotional connection, so they would rely more on physical signs?
Personally, though I like to have the redness stay a good while, and proudly display a few bruises (as a trophy!!!)to give that residual ache for a day or two, I do feel that the huge welts caused by canes etc are not so appealing, and broken skin is a definite no-no....

OliviaManners said...

The purpose of the spanking has a large influence over how I experience it and what I can take.

If I am being Disciplined I really am sorry, the tears can flow more easily and I feel the spanking a lot more readily. The pain does not ease as much into pleasure but into letting go of guilt and feeling forgiven for having endured it. The formality of a Discipline session is also likely to increase my nervousness which in turn can heighten how much I feel it - I was going to say lessen how much I take, but for Discipline it is more about having to take whatever I deserve.

If I am being spanked for fun or for being a ' good girl ' then the how much is usually concluded by one or more climaxes and when my bottom is a suitable shade of pink. There have been occasions in this context where I have worried about his hand more than my bottom :)

Across all of my spankings I think other things that can effect how much I take are the words, ( for example... " You are taking this very bravely" makes me want to endure more or a loving and tender " good girl, I do love having you across my knee" makes me feel proud and want to take more).

The variation / order in which implements are being used.

How much of the time my knickers spend up, and then down!

My monthly cycle.

The only time when none of the above applies is when it is not about how much is enough for me, but how much is enough for him because my bottom is for his pleasure.

We have never used a safe word. He just knows where and how far to take me through the familiarity, connection and trust we have built up and I am always amazed and grateful at how he is able to do this. Like Daisy, I can't imagine how this would work with someone who I didn't have this connection with because it is so much more than the physical/ formulaic signs of it being enough ( the redness of a bottom, or the protests, yelps, moans or tears, and the obvious arousal ), it is the how much I can take mentally and emotionally that makes it so powerful.

Olivia X

Paul said...

all the above have brought out the one essential point.

Having never been to a spanking party or indeed spanked a stranger, so I cannot speak about those situations.

The spanker NEEDS TO KNOW the spankee intimately.

Sure sound, gross body movements, colour are all aids, it's the subtle body language that tells me when her needs have been filled or the punishment achieved it's aim.

It's always a learning process as the spankee grows and changes the spanker must observe and learn, it is a dance of love and strength.

Thank you Bonnie.
Warm hugs,

Hermione said...

This is something I have wondered about too, because I'm not a spanker. I've never been in the position (sorry!) of having had too much. As long as I'm clearly enjoying it, it isn't enough.

Our regular spankings generally follow the same pattern. They have gradually increased in duration, at my request. They go on for the same length of time, whether I'm in a state of bliss or distress depending on the implement involved. That's not a bad thing, because I can squeal or wriggle and not be afraid Ron will take it as a sign to stop.

The spontaneous spankings that happen during our love-making are totally unstructured and, while shorter, are often more intense. Ron decides when we'll move on to some other activity, and he always keeps me guessing.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bonnie, that soup looks delicious!
And I like the question, too. Just today we had a session during which I felt kind of lost and overstrained. It is hot here, and we had played quite intensively the two days before. I think, my hubbie always realises such things. Still, there were some minutes when I would have preferred cuddling and no more pain.
We don´t have a safeword, because he always cares and watches, and I would not have used it today, anyhow. I rarely ask him to stop, but if I do, I just use plain words, and he then stops and does less painful things, and it hasn´t ever destroyed a session yet.
However, I wish I could judge my needs better and tell my hubbie in advance on days like today. Maybe, that is a matter of time and I will learn it one day. We often talk about these things, and that´s what we did today, too. The trouble is, that for spankings and stuff to be perfect, the spanker needs to be in charge - so he can´t just stop whenever there is some whimper - especially not with a spankee like me, who loves to cry and whine.
So - in summarizing - I agree with Paul. The players need to know each other well and they need to communicate. Tina

Alice said...

This a difficult question, it seems to be a fine line. I am also a spankee, not a spanker, but He always seems to know. We don't have a safeword, He has, at times asked if I had enough, I usually don't know. Sometimes, I think it is too much, but when He stops,I think I want more. He has always said He would rather leave me wantingmore, than take me too far.

Paul is right though, I think the spanker needs to know the spankee intimately.

Mike said...

For us it varies everytime. Some times is hard, some times gentle. Sometimes it's for long lasting sting, and other times is just for a quick little kick start.

How much is enough? When the right juices get flowing. How much is too much? When the spanking stops the right juices once they are flowing.


Stacy said...

My boyfriend and I are new spanko's, and have been experimenting.

For me right now, too much is to the point where I cry. I haven't done so yet, because I am rarely punished (even though he threatens me plenty) or hit hard or long enough.

And enough is to the point where I am moaning with extreme pleasure, because at that point he's all over me.

soma said...

I am also a spankee, and like others my spanker always seems to know when it's enough. Most of my spankings are for discipline/punishment at present. Though recently I had a spanking just because I really was in the mood to be spanked. When it's for discipline he always decides but during the recent spanking he had asked if I felt i needed to be spanked more. At the time I was not sure because usually I did not decide, I honestly did not know so the spanking continued. Afterwards, I was able to actually say that when he first asked it would have not been enough. I wouldn't have felt satiated at that time like I was at the end.

I definitely have not reached a point where it has been too much yet. Though I think, like stacy, it would likely be the point where I cry because I have a pretty high pain tolerance and in general, rarely ever cry from physical pain.

I am still pretty new to spanking, only having been spanked a few times, and my current spanker is a new partner so we are still figuring it out. But definitely enjoying figuring it out along the way!

Greenwoman said...

Hello Bonny! My needs about spanking varies a good deal. Lots of things effects my pain tolerance. How much pain I'm already in general, hormones, mood...

How much is enough is when I'm ready to safe word. When I get to that edge, then I've had enough.

Frankly, I don't know how he tells. I'm busy experiencing. I am sure that my skin tone and wriggles have alot to do with his assessments.

I'm not a very experienced spanker. I've only spanked two men with any intention of giving some pain. There was a third, but that was a sensual spanking only. NO pain involved. With one person, his skin got cold when spanked and turned pale. He also sunk deeply into subspace. Almost asleep. I never did find his edge. The second man was for one occasion only. He didn't have a particularly high tolerance for pain. I quickly found his edge. I danced on it awhile and stopped. He was pink and happy later. HIs signals were flinching and redness.

Rosy said...

It definitely varies from spankee to spankee and situation to situation. We never use spanking for discipline, but often for therapy or sensuality. Because of this, I almost always end the session by clearly letting my husband know when I am sated.

If for therapy, he knows to stop when he can feel the tears coming--or when my body relaxes. If for fun, he'll either ask me when my skin is all red, or I'll push myself free to...give him my thanks. Sometimes wiggling is part of the game, so it's always when I insist on pushing free. He's always watching for the end of our session, so I've never even been afraid of receiving too much. :)

Anonymous said...

It really does vary, doesn't it? Still, that's what keeps things fun and exciting to me.

The only personal point I want to add is, I always think I want far more than I can handle... until it starts.



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