Monday, March 19, 2007

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Mar 18

Our topic this week was among the most challenging we've tackled. The scenario involved a woman named Bev. Her husband, though quite worthy in most other ways, shows no interest in spanking her. She knew from the outset that there could be no easy solutions, but our MBS brunch participants provided several helpful insights.

Anon #1: Presumably Bev’s husband, as a loving man, is keen to connect sexually, turn her on, and give her pleasure in lovemaking. Whatever her interest in spanking, I'd start by persuading him to give her a thrill by role-playing a light-hearted scene where she does something naughty and “earns” herself a light, OTK spanking. She could open her legs a bit and encourage him to combine smacks with intimate caresses until he understands that, for Bev, the spanks are just a “stingy” sensation, a special form of caress in foreplay. I'm convinced that if he gets a kick out of turning his wife on in other ways, then he can incrementally come to enjoy turning her on by means of a light-hearted spanking.

I’ll bet he's just as concerned about his own self-image as her kin. As an erotic spanker, I fully appreciate why he does not want to think of himself as her disciplinarian. But if spanking is erotic, he doesn't have to. It's just a way of giving her pleasure. Good luck!

OPB: My experience chimes exactly with Bev's. Although my wife is loving, spanking is just not something she can entertain on either side of the knee. It is a sorry blot on our sex life.

As I've already sent a long letter on this subject I'll not say more in this comment, and ask you to cull any helpful thoughts from there.

Anon #2: Just a thought… Would Bev’s husband object to somebody else spanking her? Might that meet her needs?

Elis: This question did touch me because Bev's story could so easily be mine. And no, there is no easy answer. Nick was pretty understanding about trying it. Once he saw the change in me – from someone who tolerated sex occasionally to a happy, sexy, satisfied wife who couldn't get enough – he was pretty well hooked!

But still he didn't understand. He worried about hurting me and he was shocked at just how much I wanted and could take. It took lots and lots of talking (emailing in our case). Another way I got him hooked was to ask his help by getting him to agree to spank as my diet incentive. He knew this was something I wanted and needed in my life.

My advice to Bev? Make sure he knows, really knows, how important this is to you. My guess is that you really explained yourself well to Bonnie. Let him read that letter. If he won't read blogs print off a few posts that you might get him to read that show how much this meant to some women and how happy they are with this practice. If he is still unwilling to try, then ask him how he would feel if you found someone else to spank you in a non-sexual setting. If he is the good guy I suspect he is, he will NOT be in favor of this plan. But it might help him realize how important this is to you.

If Nick hadn't been willing to try I would not have left him and disrupted our family. But I know I would have been resentful and hurt and I don't know what might have happened once the children left home. I wish you the best of luck!! You are welcome to email me any time if that would help.

Tigger: Wow, that's a tough one, especially since Bev has already tried talking to her husband about her desire to be spanked. Though Bev didn't mention whether she is looking to be spanked as foreplay or for disciplinary purposes, I'd have to agree with one of the anonymous posters above who suggested that she and her husband incorporate spanking as a prelude to sex. If she can talk him into trying it, he will be able to see how excited it makes her and most likely be willing, if not eager, to add spanking to their repertoire!

Also, because Bev didn't mention (or perhaps doesn't know herself) exactly what her husband's reasons are for not wanting to spank her, I'm wondering if one of the reasons might be that he thinks he will hurt her. To me, that's actually a good thing! But maybe she might suggest that he start out spanking her lightly at first. Then, as they both get more used to spanking, he can spank her a little harder, or even consider using implements!

Dave: Cindy and I have both gone through the same situation with previous partners. The operative word being “previous.” Unfortunately, our need for spanking in our lives (mine to give, hers to receive) ultimately was a contributing, but certainly not all encompassing, factor in those relationships ending.

I would key in on his comment, “just not us” and say, “No, but it is a very real part of me. It’s one facet of who I am, and it's not going to go away.”

At one point in counseling with my wife, we were referred to a “specialist” (NOT!) who said I needed treatment, because I had a illness regarding my fetish.

He needs to understand that it IS a part of Bev. It’s something that seeks to be fulfilled within the love and caring of their relationship.

If discipline/punishment is what Bev is seeking, I would definitely recommend against sharing that aspect of it with her husband at this point. I will ask Cindy to leave her own comments, but I think she will agree that you have to approach it from the erotic angle first. Jumping straight to discipline/punishment is much scarier for vanillas than enhancing what is, I assume, already a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

I would point him in the direction of blogs like PK and others who have successfully “converted” their spouses into spankos. He can learn either directly online or by printing out specific posts about frustrations and the road to happiness.

Best of luck and lots of hugs, Bev!

Paul: I can't really add anything to what the others have said. Going the erotic route seems to be the most successful. Most of the spankees that I know have turned their supposedly vanilla partners using that route. There is a lot of useful literature online that explains our kink, which might be helpful. I wish you lots of luck Bev and I hope that your loving husband will see it your way.

Bonnie: As I said in the introduction, I find this question to be a very difficult one. I cannot in good conscience suggest that someone end their marriage and split their family over their need for kink. On the opposite side, I wouldn’t counsel Bev to simply submerge her aspirations for the greater good. Either outcome seems painful and unfortunate.

The third alternative, if it exists, is to try to find some sort of middle ground. The suggestions made here are helpful, but only if Bev’s husband is receptive. Otherwise, rough seas lie ahead.

RJ: My life resembles Bev's from the other side. I am erotically/sexually turned on by spanking, but my wife will not hear of it. To her, spanking is abuse, period, end of statement.

I get by with fantasy, masturbation, and spanking sites/blogs. I won't leave the marriage, since I love the woman. A long time ago, I thought of spanking outside the marriage, but since it is an erotic thing for me, it seemed the same as having an affair.

Bev can keep trying, but she may end up with the same choice I had to make.

Mary: I think the key is emphasizing that although it may not be the "us" as he defines it, it is Bev. This is not a need that easily goes away. I would take a page out of New Beginnings and let him read it. Her writing is fantastic and she totally shares how it has heated up their marriage and how happy she is with the change. Perhaps he can be intrigued enough to explore with her.

I wish you lots of luck, Bev.

Amber: Boy, that's a hard one! I too am married to a vanilla man, but he is totally game. I think the reason he is willing is that he sees how happy and aroused that it makes me, and how cold sex leaves me without BDSM elements. You know, how it makes you glow, and so forth. I think I would keep trying to persuade him by making it clear to him that it's just part of sex. Try to get him spank (or even start with tying up, if you like that) during sex, in the middle of foreplay, when he's way aroused to quit. That might work.

Greenwoman: This is a really complicated situation... It’s likely far too deep a situation to be easily solved with this post, but I just wanted to offer up a relationship philosophy that works very well for me. If a person I love has to ask for something they feel is really important more than twice, then it's so important to them that I need to find a way to get on board with their request.

Getting on board can mean a lot of things and shouldn't mean sacrificing my ethics or self esteem, but it should definitely mean that I find a way to meet my loved one where they live in terms of the situation at hand. If I'm not giving their request some serious attention to find a way to accommodate their request that's satisfactory to both of us, then I am making them beg... Or I am making them do without something deeply important. Either way, someone I love is suffering emotionally because I will not budge on my position. That's not fair. Relationship isn't about compromising an individual. But it is about negotiating until there's consensus and both are getting their needs met.

I think the place to start this conversation is with this topic, not the spanking, because your partner is failing to recognise your needs in this He's also failing to recognise his emotional responsibilities to you. In my opinion, that means that the spanking is not the real issue at hand. The spanking is simply the issue that brought out this deeper problem of needing better methods of negotiation of needs within your relationship.

As for the spanking stuff, if you've tried seduction, if you've tried education about spanking, if you've tried discussion and requests, and you still aren't getting anywhere, then I suggest the two of you negotiate getting you some non-sexual spanking from a Dom and then you coming home afterwards for the sex part during a date with your husband.


Edward: As Bonnie said, this is a difficult one. Lisa got me to start spanking for erotic fun. She gives so much to me that I thought it was important to give back.

It's still not something that I do every day. I think my major hang-up with it to start was that I did not want to be daddy for her. She does not want that either. If you read her last post on our blog, though, sometimes I do get real close to being daddy. If she'd just use the red tie there would be no confusion.

Don't give up, Bev. Go read our blog. Maybe something I've said there will help.

Thank you to everyone who jumped in to assist dear Bev. She's already written me to express her gratitude for your understanding and your knowledge. There might be some hope after all.

We'll be here for brunch again next Sunday and I hope you'll join us then!

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Susan said...

A lot of really good advice was generated here! I'm sorry I haven't been on in awhile Bonnie, I've had some real life things to attend to. This is Doc, turned Susan what with the change in the blogger format.

Anonymous said...

Great reading and lots of great suggestions, Bonnie!!!


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