This week, our topic is somewhat more difficult than those we've discussed in recent brunches. I received an e-mail from a sweet woman named Bev. She posed a question for which I have no satisfactory answer. In fact, it's possible that there can be no good answer at all.
Bev writes:
| I've been married for eleven years to a wonderful, loving man. He is completely dedicated to our son and to me. He has a good job and no real vices. My only complaint is that he has zero interest in spanking me. He claims that's "just not us." I feel trapped between my love for my husband and the kink that has always lived within me. Have you any suggestions? |
Bev's case is hardly isolated. Several outstanding spanko bloggers have retired because of difficulties reconciling these two aspects of their lives. I've heard this story many times and with many variations. I find that I can provide moral support, but little more.
What advice can we (or should we) offer to Bev and people in similar chocolate/vanilla relationships?
Bev is looking forward to reading your suggestions, and so am I. To add your insight to the discussion, you need only add a comment below, send me an e-mail, or post your response on your own blog.
When everyone has entered their thoughts, I will post an edited summary of the discussions.
12 comments :
Presumably your husband, as a loving man, is keen to connect sexually, turn you on, give you pleasure in lovemaking. Whatever your interest in spanking, I'd start by persuading him to give you a thrill by role-playing a light-hearted scene where you do something naughty and 'earn' yourself a light, OTK spanking. Open your legs a bit and encourage him to combine smacks with intimate caresses until he understands that, for you, the spanks are just a 'stingy' sensation, a special form of caress in foreplay. I'm convinced that if he gets a kick out of turning you on in other ways, then he can incrementally come to enjoy turning you on by means of a light-hearted spanking.
I bet he's just as concerned about his own self-image as your kink; and, as an erotic spanker, I fully appreciate why he does not want to think of himself as your disciplinarian. But if spanking is erotic, he doesn't have to -- it's just a way of giving you pleasure. Good luck!
My experience chimes exactly with Bev's. Although my wife is loving, spanking is just not something she can entertain on either side of the knee. It is a sorry blot on our sex life.
As I've already sent you, Bonnie, a long letter on this subject I'll not say more in this comment, and ask you to cull any helpful thoughts from there.
Thanks.
opb
just a thought. would your husband object top somebody else spanking you. would that meet your needs.
Bonnie,
This question did touch me because Bev's story could so easily be mine. And no there is no easy answer. Nick was pretty understanding about trying it. Once he saw the change in me - from someone who tolerated sex occasionally to a happy, sexy, satisfied wife who couldn't get enough - he was pretty well hooked!
But still he didn't understand. He worried about hurting me and he was shocked at just how much I wanted and could take. It took lots and lots of talking (emailing in our case). Another way I got him hooked was to ask his help by getting him to agree to spank as my diet incentive. He knew this was something I wanted and needed in my life.
My advice to Bev? Make sure he knows, really knows, how important this is to you. My guess is that you really explained yourself well to Bonnie. Let him read that letter. If he won't read blogs print off a few posts that you might get him to read that show how much this meant to some women and how happy they are with this practice. If he is still unwilling to try then ask him how he would feel if you found someone else to spank you in a non-sexual setting. If he is the good guy I suspect he is, he will NOT be in favor of this plan, but it might help him realize how important this is to you.
If Nick hadn't been willing to try I would not have left him and disrupted our family. But I know I would have been resentful and hurt and I don't know what might have happened once the children left home. I wish you the best of luck!! You are welcome to email me any time if that would help.
Big Hugs,
PK
Wow, that's a tough one, especially since Bev has already tried talking to her husband about her desire to be spanked. Though Bev didn't mention whether she is looking to be spanked as foreplay or for disciplinary purposes, I'd have to agree with one of the anonymous posters above that suggested she and her husband incorporate spanking as a prelude to sex. If she can talk him into trying it, he will be able to see how excited it makes her and most likely be willing, if not eager, to add spanking to their repetoire!!!
Also, because Bev didn't mention (or perhaps doesn't know herself) exactly what her husband's reasons are for not wanting to spank her, I'm wondering if one of the reasons might be that he thinks he will hurt her. To me, that's actually a good thing!!! But maybe she might suggest that he start out spanking her lightly at first. Then, as they both get more used to spanking, he can spank her a little harder, or even consider using implements!!!
*hugs*
Tigger
Cindy and I have both gone through the same situation with previous partners. The operative word being 'previous'.
Unfortunately our need for spanking in our lives (mine to give, hers to receive) ultimately was a contributing, but certainly not all encompassing factor in those relationships ending.
I would key in on his comment, "just not us" and say, "No, but it is a very real part of me. One facet of who I am. And it's not going to go away."
At one point in counseling with my wife we were referred to a 'specialist' (NOT!) who said I needed treatment, because I had a illness regarding my fetish.
He needs to understand that it IS a part of Bev. Something that seeks to be fulfilled. Fulfilled within the love and caring of their relationship.
If discipline/punishment is what Bev is seeking I would definitely recommend against sharing that aspect of it with her husband at this point. I will ask Cindy to leave her own comments, but I think she will agree you have to approach it from the erotic angle first. Jumping straight to discipline/punishment is much scarier for vanillas than enhancing what is, I assume, already a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
Pointing him in the direction of blogs like PK and others who have successfully 'converted' their spouses into spankos is an excellent idea. Whether directly online or through printing out specific posts about their frustrations, and the road to happiness.
Best of luck and lots of hugs, Bev!
Dave
Bonnie, I can't really add anything to what the others have said.
Going the erotic route seems to be the most successful.
Most of the spankee's that I know have turned their supposedly vanilla partners using that route.
There is a lot of useful literature online that explains our kink, which might be helpful.
I wish you lots of luck Bev and I hope that your loving husband will see it your way.
Thanks Bonnie,
Warm hugs,
Paul.
As I said in the introduction, I find this question to be a very difficult one. I cannot in good conscience suggest that someone end their marriage and split their family over their need for kink. On the opposite side, I wouldn’t counsel Bev to simply submerge her aspirations for the greater good. Either outcome seems painful and unfortunate.
The third alternative, if it exists, is to try to find some sort of middle ground. The suggestions made here are helpful, but only if Bev’s husband is receptive. Otherwise, rough seas lie ahead.
I think the key is in emphasizing that although it may not be the "us" as he defines it - it is you. It is not a need that easily goes away. I would take a page out of new beginnings and let him read it. Her writng is fantastic and she totally shares how it has heated up their marriage and how happy she is with the change. Perhaps he can be intriqued enough to explore with you.
I wish you lots of luck bev.
Boy, it's a hard one! I too am married to a vanilla man but he is totally a game. I think the reason he is a game is that he sees how happy and aroused that makes me, and how cold sex leaves me without BDSM elements. You know, how it makes you glow and so forth. I think I would keep on trying to persuade him by making it clear to him that it's just part of sex. Try to get him spank you (or even start with tying up, if you like that) during sex, in the middle of foreplay, when he's way aroused to quit. You think that might work?
This is a really complicated situation...likely far too deep a situation to be easily solved with this post, but I just wanted to offer up a relationship philosophy that works very well for me. If a person I love has to ask for something they feel is really important more than twice, then it's so important to them that I need to find a way to get on board with their request.
Getting on board can mean alot of things and shouldn't mean sacrificing my ethics or self esteem, but it should definitely mean that I find a way to meet my loved one where they live in terms of the situation at hand. If I'm not giving their request some serious attention to find a way to accomodate their request that's satisfactory to both of us, then I am making them beg...or I am making them do without something deeply important...either way, someone I love is suffering emotionally because I will not budge on my position. That's not fair. Relationship isn't about compromising an individual...but it is about negotiating until there's consensus and both are getting their needs met.
I think the place to start this conversation is with this topic...not the spanking...because your partner is failing to recognise your needs in this...and he's failing to recognise his emotional responsibilities to you. In my opinion that means that the spanking is not the real issue at hand. The spanking is simply the issue that brought out this deeper problem of needing better methods of negotiation of needs within your relationship.
As for the spanking stuff...if you've tried seduction...if you've tried education about spanking...if you've tried discussion and requests and you aren't getting anywhere, then I suggest the two of you negotiate getting you some non-sexual spanking from a Dom and then you coming home afterwards for the sex part during a date with your husband....
Blessings
As Bonnie said this is a difficult one to help with.Lisa got me to start spanking for erotic fun.She gives so much to me,I thought important to give back.Although it's still not something I do every day.I think my major hangup with it to start was that I did not want to be daddy for her.She does not want that either.If you read her last post on our blog though somtimes I do get real close to being daddy.If she'd just use the red tie there would be no confusion.Don't give up Bev,go read our blog,maybe something I've said there will help.
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