Spanking 101: Talking with Your Partner

This essay grew out of a recent e-mail exchange with a reader who was having trouble convincing her partner to spank her. I thought these points might be helpful for other MBS readers.

For the sake of clarity, I will assume that a male spanker is reluctant to spank his female partner. I invite you to substitute genders, roles, or level of interest as fits your circumstance. However, some combinations, particularly those involving an unwilling spankee, may be considerably more problematic than the scenario described here.

Below are ten points to consider should you decide to raise the subject of spanking with a presumably vanilla partner.

1. Incorporating spanking into an existing relationship can be very difficult. This message was conveyed very clearly during a brunch we held last summer. Individuals are complex and so are their needs and desires. It's unusual for two people to always be on the same page, especially when their relationship is evolving. It's quite natural that partners will have differing levels of interest. The first step toward enhancing your relationship is to accept and respect your differences.


2. Sometimes, things go wrong. It's relatively common for one partner to misinterpret the other's words, acts, or intentions. In the process, feelings can be hurt and trust can be damaged. The challenge is to recognize problems as they arise and deal with them at the time. This means lots of open communication including the sharing of concerns, fears, disappointments, desires, and aspirations. If both partners have the same, or at least compatible, expectations, the opportunity for future misunderstandings will be reduced.


3. There is no silver bullet and one size never fits all. I wish someone could simply lay out a cookbook approach to a fantastic relationship. Unfortunately, that's impossible. What works well for one couple may be a disaster for another, and vice versa. Ultimately, you must chart your own path to success.


4. As you approach your partner, please keep in mind that while you've had this concept in the back of your mind (or maybe the front) for a long time, the idea of spanking is less familiar to him. It will likely take time for him to process this information on his own terms. As much as we might like to set timetables, partners work on their own schedules.


5. Please be patient and try not to push too hard or too often. As much fun as a good spanking can be, it's probably not worth damaging your relationship. He may come around with the passage of time. Or perhaps not. Either way, it's important to be an understanding partner.


6. Another issue is that most men are taught from early childhood to never, ever strike any female. This socialization is very beneficial overall, but it may impede your partner's willingness to spank. The only real way around this obstacle is to prove to him that you are not harmed by spankings, and that in fact, they are very positive.


7. If he is inclined to talk, then talk with him. I think a good time is in bed after lovemaking. Both of you are relaxed and feeling very connected. At that moment, he has no pressure to perform and every reason to be open-minded. Be sure to look him in the eyes so that he understands the conviction behind your words.
   
   If he is inclined to read, you might send him links to blog posts that describe the kind of activities you desire. Alternately, if he likes paper, you could print out a few favorites.


8. Don't force the issue. If he agrees to read, give him the space to read or not read as he chooses. If he is eager to discuss the text, then by all means do so. If he says nothing, let the subject drop for a few days before raising it again. Mark my words, if he feels you are pressuring him, he will dig in his heels and your job will become immeasurably more difficult.


9. At least at first, it's best to focus upon the erotic elements of spanking. There's nothing wrong with wanting domestic discipline or heavy BDSM play, but you will be more likely to gain initial acceptance if you keep it light. Spankings are marvelous foreplay. Anything that turns you on is likely to improve his love life too. This is a language most men implicitly understand.


10. Finally, you need not feel alone in your quest. There are lots of spankos who have been precisely where you are. Bloggers and forum members are experiencing or have experienced these challenges. Most are quite willing to share their wisdom. These folks can be an excellent source for advice and support.

If you choose to pursue this course, go forth with caution and forethought. It's not the easiest path, but you might just change both of your lives for the better.

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