The Spanko Files: Whatever Happened to Innocent Indy?

When last we heard from our friend Indiana, she had just begun her journey of discovery. Now, a little over a year later, she has significant progress and lots of valuable insights to share.

Whatever Happened to Innocent Indy?

When I last posted here, in January of 2008, I’d more or less come to terms with my spanking desires and was determined to explore them in real life – preferably soon! About two months later, I posted the following announcement on a couple of spanking-related boards I frequent:

I played for the first time(s) over the weekend at a regional spanking party. Sorry, I have no particularly interesting details. It feels weird to just tell everybody back here that I just went away to see friends in another city as if it were no big deal, when actually, I would really describe it as a subtly life-altering experience. So I thought I'd leave a short post here.

Looking back over the last year, I’d have to agree with that assessment. It was a life-altering experience, even if I couldn’t exactly share my excitement with casual acquaintances. And it was just the beginning. Since then, I’ve been to spanking parties, both large and small, in five different states, and I’ve even managed to play privately a few times in my home state. I’ve learned an awful lot about this thing we do and where I fit into the culture, but I’m not concerned about running out of things to learn anytime soon. Most important, I’ve met a lot of wonderful people from all over the country and from abroad.

I’ve noticed a certain suspicion about spanking parties from some MBS readers. I have to admit that I was initially wary of the idea of walking into a room of complete strangers and asking one of them to spank me. As I didn’t have a partner, though, a party seemed like the safest arrangement to me. Perhaps equally important, I was looking for community. As much as I’d enjoyed getting to know people through the internet, I really wanted to talk to other people interested in spanking face to face.

I’m not always one for making careful preparations, but I did as much as I could to get ready for my first party. I read Eve Howard’s advice on the Shadow Lane Member’s Site, along with Doc Tsai’s and Cigi’s party advice. I also got excellent advice from internet friends. Two of the most important pointers I received are pretty standard advice for female bottoms. First, consult the experienced female bottoms in the group about good play partners for a newcomer. Second, when you do start playing, pace yourself. Don’t play too hard on the first day, or you’ll sit the second day out – and the third, if applicable.

The third key piece of advice I received surprised me a bit at first. An internet friend recommended that I have a strategy for saying no to an invitation I didn’t want to accept. This may sound a bit harsh, but it was offered with a great deal of sensitivity and intended to protect me without hurting anyone’s feelings. It is a fact of life that even the most battle-hardened veteran can only play so much at a party, so you can’t accept every invitation. At the time, though, I didn’t know that. As my correspondent is both well known and very attractive, my first instinct was to laugh it off. She might need a strategy, but I wouldn’t!

Then I thought a bit more about the context in which her advice had been offered. We’d been discussing socially unacceptable behavior by male tops at large spanking parties – about the small minority of guys who seem certain that if you’re at a party, they are entitled to spank you. She had suggested that the excitement of being around other people interested in spanking for the first time can be overwhelming, and that it’s easy to get carried away by it. That made me realize I was by no means immune from that same excitement, and it could also cause me to make unwise decisions.

So I decided ahead of time that I would only play with people who had been recommended to me as particularly good for newcomers. That would kill all three birds with one stone: I’d play with extra-safe tops, I wouldn’t be tempted to play too much, and I could say no without hurting anyone’s feelings. Once I had a better idea what I was doing, I could be less cautious at the next party.

That strategy worked pretty well. People generally respected my plan, and it was easy to write off the one person who didn’t as an unsuitable play partner. As a mostly-bottom, a top who takes a no gracefully, or who doesn’t press me to play right away is one I’ll notice favorably. And there will be other parties.

Before I arrived, I guess I had imagined that there would be a big room filled with lots of spankings, and I’d get to see whose style seemed like a good fit with my nebulously defined tastes. It wasn’t like that at all, though. People generally socialized in the party room and retreated to their private hotel rooms to play. There was absolutely no pressure to play publicly, and most people didn’t. Of course, each spanking group is different, and the ratio of public to private play varies quite a bit.

I’d arrived late, which made it a bit harder to get a feel for the lay of the land. Most people had already dispersed for play, so not much was happening in the party room. I *was* completely overwhelmed, and the first hour or two were among the most surreal I've ever experienced. After a while, though, one of the women in the group returned to the party room, recognized my name from the Yahoo group, and kindly took me under her wing.

So it soon came to pass that I was sitting at a table with about seven more experienced female bottoms and a couple male tops. One of them offered to do the honors and received the endorsement of the women at the table. He'd written me a nice note a couple months before, so I trusted him, but I was still nervous. The other bottoms reassured me, telling me I didn't have to play until I was ready, Hon, not now, not tonight, not even the whole weekend. Then the woman next to me piped up, telling me that on the other hand, I'd been waiting my whole life for this, so I may as well go ahead. That was just the little push I needed.

So off I went. Perhaps ironically, I found that being over a near-stranger's lap, skirt up and knickers down, as they say, was the *least* strange part of the evening. He took charge, but was very careful, leaving me with a nice pink bottom, but not a bright red one. I was amazed at how little it took to get that wonderful floaty feeling, and I fell asleep in a lovely endorphin haze.

The next day was much more comfortable. In retrospect, I think that was because I *knew* that I belonged. I mean, I didn't exactly think the chances that I wouldn't like being spanked were all that high, but I didn't know for sure. I’d come to value being a part of the larger spanking community, and I didn’t want to let that go.

The other question that had been nagging at me before the party was the relationship between spanking and sex. I had read quite a few descriptions of spanking party encounters, and I knew that sex following spanking was emphatically not the default option. Still, I wondered how spanking could possibly be separated entirely from sex. As another internet friend once commented,

“I've often thought that so much of the [M/F] spanking thing really just mimics the whole sex act. Basically we're designed more for the doggie style position than the missionary position anyway. Hmmm. Let's see. Repetitive motions squarely against one's backside. Assertive vs. receptive energies. For the male, there is the visual with the remnants in their brains of the old red bottom to signal estrus. It’s the bottoms up/face down position for females, just like being OTK.”

I’m still not sure I can explain the difference. All I can say is, there are many kinds of spankings, and some are more erotic than others. At parties, there lots of just for fun spankings, light-hearted if not always lightly administered, punctuated by good-natured teasing and friendly banter. There are also spankings that are kind of like a massage, relaxing and definitely sensual, but not exactly sexual. In other cases, I’ve been more aware of my arousal, but it hasn’t always been directed at the spanker. In that way, it’s kind of like going to a movie with a really sexy star. You may be aroused, but you’re more likely to be thinking about sex with your partner than with the movie star. It doesn’t surprise me at all that married couples in exclusive relationships can play with others, but seek out their own partners after their spanking play has ended.

Sure, this kind of play is less intimate than playing with a lover, and that may be unappealing to a lot of people. Several vanilla friends have asked if my playing around, as it were, is temporary or if I’ll continue to go to parties if I find a partner in the scene. Am I, as a kinky friend puts it, experiencing a second adolescence, trying things out for a while before figuring out what I really like and settling down to it?

It’s hard to know the answer to those questions. It’s certainly true that I’ve jumped in with more abandon than I would have thought possible, and that I’ve played with a lot more people in one year than I would have predicted. I did become less cautious after that first party, too, causing one of my internet friends to wonder, “Whatever happened to Innocent Indy?” Sure, I’ve made a few mistakes in that time – none too disastrous, fortunately. I’ve also tried things that I’m glad I’ve done once and don’t care to repeat, and I’ve found myself enjoying things that surprised me.

I suspect that I’m beginning to find a niche within the scene and will stay closer to that niche as time goes on. On the other hand, I definitely can’t see giving up the wonderful social connections that the party scene has to offer. It’s a remarkable experience, sitting around a table with people you’d enjoy seeing in a vanilla context, but with whom you can also talk about spanking. Just by being in the same room, I’ve shared something about myself that I’d kept secret for decades. The relief of doing so and knowing that the other person understands is liberating, and it makes for building close friendships surprisingly rapidly. There’s just no way I can put into words how much I’ve enjoyed getting to know people who have such varied backgrounds, careers, and outlooks on life, but who are united by this fairly unusual shared interest.

What would I recommend to those who are considering the party route? First, I’d encourage you to get involved in the spanking blogosphere. I was ridiculously nervous about each baby step I took: my first comment here on MBS, each first e-mail to a blogger whose writing I enjoyed, de-lurking on SSS, and especially guest-posting here. Each time I took a risk, the spanking community paid me back many times over. I can’t think of a single person who hasn’t written me back – that day, the next week, or even an amusingly apologetic note a month or so later. The kindness and warmth that I had found on-line made it so much easier to take that step toward RL play.

Second, especially if you are a bottom who hasn’t played before, I can’t overemphasize the importance of finding safe tops who are used to playing with newcomers. Just as not every talented athlete is a good coach, not every skilled spanker is a good teacher. It makes things a lot easier to put yourself in the hands of a good teacher. I’m not exactly a pushover, but I found the experience of playing for the first time completely overwhelming. I’m glad I didn’t have to take responsibility for deciding when to stop, or worse yet, extract myself from an unsafe situation.

This is probably good advice for tops, too. Plenty of bottoms are happy to show you the ropes. Sure, it’s not exactly domly behavior to ask for help, but you can be masterful after you know how to give a warm-up and aim an implement. Whatever you do, don’t pretend a level of experience that you don’t have. You may not end up in as dangerous a situation as a bottom might, but if you get a reputation for not caring enough about the safety of your partner, it’s awfully hard to shake it off. Most party organizers are happy to pair newcomers up with good teachers of either orientation, especially if you ask them ahead of time, before the craziness of running the show takes over.

If you do decide to leap into the spanking in this way, I hope your experiences are as overwhelmingly positive as mine have been. I may not know whether I’ll continue making trips to various other parts of the country to attend parties, or if I’ll settle into a more local pattern of friends and play. I do know, however, that I’m having a lot of fun with wonderful new friends, and I plan to continue doing just that!

Thank you, Indy, for sharing your experiences and advice. I know many MBS readers will benefit from your wisdom. May all your parties be worthy of celebration!

The Spanko Files: Terpsichore (Update)

Since we last heard from our friend Terpsichore, there have been more developments.

Since my first real spanking, we have had another encounter and we shared the best lovemaking of our lives. I asked if we could use toys. Right now, our collection consists of his hairbrush, a pink spatula, and his soft leather belt (I have been wishing for that belt for ages).

At first, he seemed tired and I was afraid he was going to fall asleep before we even got started (it has happened before). But then, all of a sudden, he flipped me over onto my back, held my arms pressed at the side of my head and started to kiss my neck I love having my neck kissed and I love when he is in control, or better yet, when I am out of control. He then explored my body for a while before flipping me onto my stomach.

He started spanking me with his hand and then moved on to the toys. I never wanted it to stop. It was very light, but so enjoyable. At one point, I started to say thank you and roll over, but he stopped me and said he was not finished with me yet. This was music to my ears. I could hear him lift up the belt. Using the belt, he tapped really lightly all over my bottom, back, and upper thighs. It felt great.

I think it will be a long while before he is comfortable using the implements with any force. However, he seems to have no problem applying his hand and sometimes, it is almost too hard. :-) But in a way, I like that we are easing into it as I do not yet know how much force I could or would want to handle... And I certainly was enjoying myself. He touched me all the while he spanked in ways that made me melt and quiver. It was such a nice time. I’m hoping for another night like this one. It was definitely the best lovemaking of my life... tied with a day last fall when I told him my secret. That was also a memorable night. :-) And so my dream has at last come true. But this dream is just beginning.

May your romance blossom as your adventures continue.

The Spanko Files: Terpsichore

We have an update from our friend, Terpsichore. As you shall see, the news is very good.

My First Real Spanking

There were no candles lit, no roses, nor anything romantic. But somehow that didn't matter. I was downstairs on the computer while my husband was upstairs in the living room watching TV. I came upstairs to say hello and greeted him with a kiss. He greeted me back. I greeted him again and then sat next to him. He was watching something on the History Channel. I didn't pay attention to what it was. I was focused on distracting him. He was enjoying the distraction.

Then, all the sudden, he kissed me and pulled me across his lap. He immediately pulled down my pajama bottoms. There was no time for anticipation. It didn't matter whether I knew what came next and I didn't have to beg for it. He smacked my bottom and then rubbed in gentle circles. It was like a massage, only better. There was no intensity or speed. It was more relaxing than erotic. But it didn't matter. I was enjoying it and I decided the second he placed me in that position that I was not going to move until he decided to stop. I wiggled a bit to get comfortable as I am a little long for our couch.

All the sudden, I became aware of the TV which was still humming in the background. I mildly wondered if he was still watching the program or paying attention to me, but decided it did not matter. He could watch TV with me over his lap anytime he wants ...and I told him so. The spanking continued with casual conversation, TV, and giggles. I just relaxed and enjoyed the occasional smack and rub. I hate to admit I was almost bored at times because it was so slow and relaxing, but I was so happy too. My husband started to explore other parts of my body and then after a while he rolled me over and started kissing me and we moved upstairs into the bedroom for more play and lovemaking. He even took the brush I had bought at Christmas time with the pretty flowers on it that up until now has just been used on my hair. He gave me just a few little light taps, but it was great to have a hand holding it other than my own.

I was all smiles... I had my first real spanking! It was not nearly intense enough or fast enough or long enough, or romantic in any way, but my husband initiated, decided when to start and stop. That for me made it real and special. And I am so very grateful as it has given me hope that it will not be the last time. While we have a long way to go, there is a lot to look forward to. :-)

We have since talked and it feels good to be communicating again about my favorite topic of spanking. He expressed his desire to have me guide him through the spankings as to what feels good and what is too much or too hard. It may be a long time before he finds his dominant side. However, since he is asking for me to guide him, perhaps I will find mine by telling him what I want. That’s difficult when I hardly know myself, but I am ready for the challenge of finding out together. Of course, the biggest obstacle is finding time to make love at all. But there will be a time in our lives when that will not be a challenge. I am happy that, in addition to being the parents of two small children we love so much, we are also a couple again. Since my first real spanking, we have had another encounter and we shared the best lovemaking of our life. I’m looking forward to what the future may bring... :-)

Bravo, Terpsichore! Your patience finally paid off.

The Spanko Files: D

D is a new friend and she has kindly volunteered to tell us her story.

My husband and I have been married for ten years and together for fifteen. For all of those years, I kept my desire to be spanked a secret. I felt somewhat ashamed of this desire. Even though we always had a wonderful relationship and marriage, I still felt uncomfortable bringing up the subject of spanking because I was afraid he would be turned off by it. So I suffered in silence.

Fast forward to two or three months ago. Even though we have a great marriage, intimacy in the bedroom was never there for us. We never had that passion or tried anything new, thus leading to very boring, predictable lovemaking. It started to take a toll on our marriage and we even discussed separating.

Finally, one day my husband said that we are going to set aside time each week where the kids go to bed earlier. We would light candles, have some wine, and in this way, gain more intimacy. I'm happy to report that it worked! So from there, we started communicating a lot more, and learned from each other what we liked or would like to try to rev up our sex life.

This is the time that I found My Bottom Smarts on the computer. When I read the stories, the comments, and everything, I thought, "This is what I want." It gave me the courage to tell my husband that I wanted to be spanked. He said he always wanted to try it, but didn't think I would go for it! From there, we incorporated spanking into our lovemaking. It was the first time ever I did not need any lubrication and I had my first ever orgasm! I felt so fulfilled for the first time in my life!

Now spanking is a part of our intimacy, and we have also started role playing, again, thanks to Bonnie's blog! I never realized intimacy could be so much fun and so intriguing! We went from having sex one night a week to four or five nights! It has also helped in our lives in general. I am definitely more affectionate and attentive to my husband than before and I know it's because I feel complete as a woman and wife. Sure, it takes work to keep the intimacy going, but it is a commitment we are going to keep. We have two small kids, ages 6 and 7 1/2, and our 7 1/2 year old has high functioning autism. Life can be crazy around here and it's easy to get caught up in the kids and ignore each other. But we don't do that anymore. We don't take ourselves off of the list of priorities anymore and I think that is the most important thing. We certainly don't ignore our kids, but we do make our marriage a priority just as much as our kids.

Two things have led to our improved intimacy: communication and Bonnie's Blog. My husband read the articles too and he thought they were great!

So that is my story. I'm sure just the beginning of many wonderful spankings, role playing, and great sex!

D, thank you for sharing your experiences. It's a real pleasure to have the opportunity to play a small part in your success. May your happiness grow with each passing day.

The Spanko Files: Terpsichore

The road to an exciting, reinvigorated relationship can be long and fraught with obstacles. For Terpsichore, the spanking of her dreams may lie just ahead. Yet, it's difficult to know for certain.

This is her story and these are her experiences.

The Dream
By Terpsichore

He was sitting on the couch.

He called me over to him. My heart raced with eager anticipation. I went to him, emotions spiraling throughout my body.

"Pull down your pants and lie cross my lap." Those very words sent shivers down my spine. I could hardly breathe. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. This is the day I had been dreaming of for so long. I opened my eyes and looked into his deep blue eyes – the eyes I fell in love with so many years ago. He said nothing, but on his face I could see his quiet smile. My hands were trembling. He took them in his and pulled me close. He kissed me – a sweet tender kiss – and then helped me over his lap and pulled down my pants. I wiggled to get comfortable and took a deep breath and sighed. As he caressed my bottom I melted. I trusted him. I was ready to accept all he had to offer.

He teased lifting his arm and then bringing it down hard and stopping an inch above my bottom. I giggled nervously at his playfulness. Then smack! His fingers crept up under my shirt and slid up and down my spine. He clasped my panties and slowly, ever so slowly, pulled them down. His warm hands held my bottom – caressing, squeezing, patting... Then, smack! Smack! Smack! I was in bliss! I released to all the sensations. The spanks increased in intensity and I buried my face into the couch. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more, a warmth filled my body from my head to my toes. He explored my body and I wished to make love to him right then. He held me in his arms and I felt so loved and accepted. I thanked him with a kiss and we made passionate love. It was like a dream.

OK, so it was like a dream because it really IS a dream – a dream I hope to come true. I am still waiting for that first real spanking over my husband's knees, but this is how I've envisioned it so many times. All my life, I have been fascinated with spanking. Although it is my fantasy, my husband actually gave me the first little love tap on my bottom. He just didn't know how much I liked it, and I was too shy to share my feelings. If only he knew then how every spank sent my body into a whirlwind of desire for him. My body ached with lust at every flirtatious spank. One night after receiving a nice spank before making love I finally expressed to him that I liked it and that it made me tingly – probably spoken very quietly and quickly and with a bright blush to my face. However, it wasn't until the end of the summer that I finally gained the courage necessary, first, to accept my true desires of wanting to be spanked and second, to express those desires to my husband.

It was time to share my secret. I was both nervous and excited and embarrassed all at the same time. There were so many thoughts, so many emotions, and so many questions racing through my head. What if he thinks there is something wrong with me? What if there really IS something wrong with me? What if this fantasy of mine is meant to remain a fantasy? I decided there was only one way to find out. What if...? What if...? What if...? Worries engulfed my every thought. Wait. Breathe. My husband and I have been together for a long time. We have two wonderful children together. He is my best friend, my lover, my support, my forever and always... I can tell him anything. So then why was I so afraid to tell him?

I did a little research on the internet. It felt so incredible to know that I was not alone. Then I did a little research on my own and spanked myself (just to make sure this really was a fantasy I wanted to become real). On a rare occasion when I was alone in the house with no children or husband in sight, I made a plan. I set a time of 1pm. Once I got some things done in the house, I would spank myself. I went about the day, but I kept looking back at the clock. Why was my heart beating so fast? It was just me alone. But the idea of it, and the possibilities of sharing my secret and making this dream real was so alluring. Is it 1 pm yet?

In my fantasy, I envision my husband's strong warm hands spanking my bare bottom. But there is something intriguing about the idea of using an implement. So I took every household utensil I thought that could be used and lined them up on the bed. Now what? This is silly. If I am too embarrassed to bear down and spank myself, how am I going to find the courage to tell my husband? I tried spanking myself with each item over my clothes, not hard, but hard enough to get a feeling of what they might feel like. I wanted to find the ones that I thought might be fun to try someday (until I experience this for real I don't want to commit myself to anything).

Still feeling ridiculous and shy, yet oddly turned on, I hid partly under my blankets and pulled down my clothes. Fifty, I told myself. If I can spank myself fifty times in a row with my hand, as hard as I can without stopping, and I still have these desires, I will tell him. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was trying to get the confidence to tell him or trying to talk myself out of it. Fifty spanks later I was wet and wishing it was my husband with me and not me alone. That night, I would tell him.

In the safety of the dark, as we lay in bed to go to sleep, I confessed my little "research" to him and my desire to be spanked. He was tired and I was not sure how much he actually heard before he fell fast asleep. The next morning life went about as usual. There was no mention of what I had said the night before. Had he heard? Did he remember anything? Although the thought that he had been asleep while I talked to him was in some ways a comfort to me, and certainly made it easier to share, the thought of having to share everything again from the beginning was a bit more than I could bear. So I asked him. On his face was a big smile. So why was it, I wondered, that he couldn't remember anything else I say normally, but he remembered this quite clearly?

"This was ...memorable..." he said, still smiling. Oops! I hadn't meant to ask that out loud. We talked a bit later that night, again in the safety of the dark, and my worries started to vanish. He loves me unconditionally. He accepts me for me. There is nothing wrong with me. Please tell me again just one more time. And he did. Relief.

The next night I wrote him a letter telling him in detail my fantasy of being taken over his knee for a real spanking. I wrote and rewrote trying to express my feelings clearly and openly and trying to translate my "fantasy" into the reality I so greatly craved and then I put the letter in an envelope and placed it in my husband's favorite reading place (the bathroom). Then I went to bed and waited going through the letter in my head. After what seemed like an eternity he came into the room, put on his pajamas, crawled under the covers, and whispered in my ears "I can do that" and, though it was dark, I knew he was smiling.

That was in September ...and now I wait. The first few days after I shared the letter I felt eager anticipation and excitement of what was to come. He became more flirtatious and spanked me playfully more often, but still no real spankings. Then, after a few weeks, my anticipation turned to anxiety. I could then feel myself shutting down my emotions in denial that I ever hoped for this. In the letter I wrote to him, I told him that whatever he decided or whenever he was ready that I would wait and that I would not ask again until then. My fate was in his hands, both figuratively and literally. He already told me he wanted to make my dream come true, so I just needed to accept that he needed more time to become comfortable with the idea.

So I resigned myself to wait. Then I made a glorious discovery. I don't need to wait, or at least not wait alone. He may not be ready to give me a real over the knee spanking yet, but that doesn't mean we can't make love. And he certainly has demonstrated that he is more than willing to spank me playfully. So why worry about what has yet to happen? I need to enjoy today and play and keep this dream alive. And since sharing my dream, we are communicating with one another much more and have had some of the best love making times ever in our marriage because of all our sharing. I know it will just get better.

He teases and flirts much more and there have even been a few spontaneous moments where he has just taken me and spanked me several times, and it makes my heart melt every time. Before love making, I will often lie on top of him giving him a big hug and he spanks me playfully. I could just stay there forever. And in an occasional moment when the kids aren't looking that he will give that playful love tap. At those times, I find it difficult to erase the smile off my face. And I make sure to show my appreciation at all his efforts. Once, when he started spanking me really hard over my clothes and it really hurt, I said thanks. However, I later shared that once he was ready to spank me longer, a slow and gradual warm up would be nice if I am to last the duration. Is that topping from the bottom? I call it communication. We are learning together after all.

I think he is becoming more comfortable about being the one in charge. Right now, if ever it becomes too much or I don't feel like he seems really ready, I know I am the one in control of the situation. I can always change position and we will begin kissing and having other fun before I reach where I would like to go in the spanking and leaving me still desiring more. What I long for is to submit totally in the spanking and give in to all the sensations (though I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little). A couple of times, he asked later how I felt when he is spanking me. Was it too hard or too soft? Once when it was too hard and hurt, I told him that I didn't say anything because I knew that at any moment I could just change my position and it would be all over. He smiled at me and said, "Oh really, you are so sure?" and teased about who was the one in control. So, yes, I believe he is becoming more comfortable. And when he does spank me during play although I cannot see his face I would like to think he is smiling. I hope he is enjoying himself as much as I am, though maybe I should be worrying if he is enjoying it too much... Hmmm.

So that brings me back to today. He said he would spank me in the right time and place. I trust him completely. I just hope the right time and place is sooner than later. Being patient is difficult. Sometimes, it feels like I have been waiting forever. But I waited many years to share my secret fantasy. I can wait a little more until my husband is fully ready. Until then, practice makes perfect. I know it is a learning process like anything else, and I am happy to go on the journey together. It is so much fun and I am falling in love with my husband all over again. I think he loves the new wild side of me, too!

And so I wait... Eagerly... Patiently... Sometimes impatiently. I wait for my dream to come true.

May all of your dreams come true, too!

Thank you, Terpsichore, for sharing your journey. I know that many readers will find your insights timely and valuable.

The Spanko Files: Indiana

It is my profound pleasure to share with you the words of our friend Indiana. As she describes, she was somewhat reluctant to tell this story because her voyage of discovery is not yet complete. But dear Indiana has traveled a great distance and gained many valuable insights along the way. It is both my hope and hers that readers who are new to this topic will benefit from this excellent and thoughtful narrative.

A View from Mid-Journey
by Indiana

Let me begin by admitting freely that I’m a very unlikely guest writer for a spanking blog. I’ve never been spanked as an adult, and I’ve never even been terribly confident or open sexually. It took me over a year of reading spanking blogs to feel at all comfortable even commenting, and I found that step embarrassing enough! Eventually, though, my need for a sounding board against which to explore this topic began to overcome my hesitation. Around that time, I read a post on Natty’s blog in which she and a gay friend joked about having “come out” around the same time. That post really caught my attention, as I’d begun to think of my journey as coming out to myself. So I organized my thoughts a bit and posted my own de-lurk on SSS.

As a way to say thank you, I rather timidly copied the post to Bonnie and to the writers of another favorite site. I was flabbergasted when Bonnie wrote back, suggesting that I write a guest post for MBS. I didn’t feel as though I had much to say, so I initially declined the invitation. As you all know, though, Bonnie has a wonderful way of making everyone feel included, and she got me thinking. I began to wonder if it would have helped me a year and a half ago to hear from someone with some of my hang-ups who had moved a little further down the road. After all, even though Bonnie is a tremendous role model in many ways, I couldn’t exactly imagine someone reading MBS and thinking, “Gosh, if someone that shy about her sexuality could explore spanking, then so could I!”

More importantly, I thought about the time in my early twenties that I’d first read about sexual fantasies and their relationship to reality. How I’d felt tremendous relief to “learn” that just because essentially all of my fantasies involved being spanked didn’t mean that I would really like it. Secure in that conviction, I didn’t think much about the issue, at least not consciously, for another two decades. What if the internet had been available then? Would I have stopped hiding from myself and realized my sexuality more fully in the intervening two decades? I can’t honestly say. But I wish I’d known then that spanking play wasn’t relegated to leather bars, but was quietly (figuratively, anyway) practiced by grandmothers, schoolteachers, graduate students, and kind, gentle fathers. I guess that’s another way that spanking enthusiasts are a bit like gays and lesbians. If we were all “out,” the fringe stereotypes would be a lot harder to take seriously.

Another way in which “coming out” as a spanko is like coming out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual is the difficulty a lot of us find in accepting our own sexuality. I’ve watched close friends come out as gay or lesbian, and it seems that for all but a fortunate few, dealing with their own homophobia is an important first step. I’ve felt the same thing, with the added complication that I had no idea there was such a thing as a spanko community until about 18 months ago. I’ve always believed strongly that what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business. But that doesn’t mean that it was easy for me to accept having desires outside of the mainstream. That has been a slow, semi-conscious process.

As seems to have been true for most of us, I thought I was the only one until I searched “spanking” on Google. At first, I just read the stories at a couple of large, well-known free sites. After all, that kept me busy for a while. It was as though I had been subsisting on only the odd spanking startle in mainstream books and other media, doled out irregularly and used for fantasy purposes long past the metaphorical freshness date on the label. Now, there was such a wealth of material! Some stories I liked, others bothered me, and quite a few fit both categories. After all, the spanking community is just that – a community, even a sub-culture, with its own terms and conventions. It takes a little while to understand how words are being used, especially as it there is so much variety in the community. It also took me a while to get a feel for the boundaries of fantasy and real life. Blogs like MBS helped a lot with that, because they showed me some of the people behind the stories and fantasies and helped me to see the range of ways in which adults engage in consensual spanking activities.

When I started reading newsgroups, I realized there was a lot of in-fighting within the community about which kinds of kinks were OK and which weren’t. I found this annoying and even troubling, but I couldn’t stop myself from making some of the same judgments at first. You know, “well, that’s okay, but doing this is just nuts!” That has a lot to do with not accepting oneself fully. After all, I don’t like horror movies, and I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t love Jane Austen. But I don’t think the people who disagree with me about these things are crazy. It’s much harder to be objective about a spanking kink, the exact manifestations of which probably have a lot to do with childhood experience in ways we’ll never fully understand even for ourselves, much less for others. That’s one thing I really like about MBS—everyone is accepting rather than just tolerant, and even rare disagreements are polite.

For me, the hardest issue to deal with has been the very idea of submission and dominance, especially in a male-dominant, female-submissive relationship. Just the words carry a lot of baggage. Moreover, the large number of people on the internet who believe that women need the loving, firm guidance of a superior male suggests that this is not an empty concern. I realize this is an issue that tries the patience of many readers of this blog, so let me be clear. In no way do I mean to imply that female submissives and male dominants are the vanguard of the Patriarchy, villainously striving to set women back millennia. That’s patently absurd.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not a huge hurdle for some of us to overcome. I work in a very male-dominated field, which no doubt makes me particularly sensitive to gender issues. So the hierarchical tags bothered me a lot. Over time, I have come to see the words as technical terms. I think Eve Howard made it clearest for me by defining a submissive as someone who prefers to be spanked and a dominant as someone who prefers to do the spanking. OK, I can live with being a submissive by that definition. And of course, I came to realize that the woman-in-charge who is quite happy, even relieved, to be submissive in the bedroom is a bit of a stereotype in spanking circles. I can see the attraction of that, too.

Still, I found that I had an easier time with F/F stories in the beginning. Once I got more comfortable with my interest in spanking, though, I found the M/F dynamic less threatening. And, well, I kind of liked the sex better in those accounts.  What really helped, though, was reading blogs like MBS, where I could get to “know” strong, smart, funny, and warm women who were clearly valued for all these traits by the intelligent and caring men who like to spank them. It was also hard to remain suspicious of male tops when they’re represented here by someone as obviously wonderful as Paul. Finally, it reassured me to know that people who have been playing for years still struggle with these issues occasionally.

Another similarity between the gay/lesbian and spanko journeys is that many of us are aware of our non-mainstream sexual interests long before we understand what they mean. In retrospect, it’s clear that I’ve had a sexual interest in spanking essentially all my life. Spanking fantasies are among my earliest memories, and I’ve recognized myself time and again as I read about the childhood startles and fantasies of others. Even simple things like looking up spanking-related words in the dictionary or attaching such mystical significance to the very word “spanking” that I could barely pronounce it aloud seem like near-universal spanko childhood experiences. As all that occurred long before I knew what an orgasm was, well, it’s no wonder many of us have found our journeys to be confusing!

There’s also the stereotype of lesbian women coming out relatively late in life, around the age of 40. I’ve watched it happen with friends, and I even found it a little amusing that it took so long. It seems to happen with spanking, too, and I think it’s a trend with similar underlying themes. Does it happen because women are supposed to reach their sexual peak at that time? Does it happen because kids leave home, careers get established, and women have a chance to focus on themselves a little? Does it happen because even those of us who are not terribly conventional finally figure out the extent to which we’ve been influenced by what society tells us we should do? It’s probably a combination of those reasons, at least for me. Whatever the causes, I think there’s a similar relief in understanding why leading a vanilla/straight (tick all appropriate boxes) life wasn’t working. All I can say to my late-to-come-out lesbian friends is that I’m laughing with you now. I just haven’t told you that.

I have confided in one vanilla friend, though. I had written in my SSS de-lurk that I couldn’t imagine talking to my best friends about spanking, but that was an oversimplification. I could imagine talking to one friend in particular. In fact, I had been rehearsing the conversation in my mind for weeks. I just didn’t think that I’d really do it, but a few glasses of wine and a long plane ride together were enough to overcome my inhibitions. It was wonderful. I knew she would be accepting and would try to understand, but I hadn’t anticipated that she would be so incredibly encouraging. She told me this was a part of my life that I should definitely explore. And, she added, I should provide her with the details! Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go that far, but who knows? I never thought I’d write anything like this, either.

As the title of this post indicates, I’m still in the middle of my journey, so I can’t give you a storybook ending yet. I can tell you, though, that even coming this far has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. For starters, my daydreams and fantasies sure are a lot more interesting! Going a bit more public has been tremendously liberating, too. Now that the big secret is out, it makes me feel that I can be more open with myself and others about a range of personal issues. Participating more fully on spanking sites also enhances the sense of community with fellow spankos, which is a wonderful and affirming experience.

Of course, I still wonder where all this will lead.

I don’t know the answer to that question. But I certainly intend to find out!

Finally, I want to thank all of you who have participated on MBS or whose blogs I’ve read elsewhere for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I suspect you have no idea how many of us out there you’ve helped along the way.

With gratitude and best wishes,

Indiana