The Spanko Files: Jim and Scout

I would like to share with you the story of Scout and her husband Jim. What I am about to present is by no means the whole story because they are just getting started in the world of recreational spanking. However, it’s a fine beginning, and one that may prove instructive for those who follow in their footsteps.

I first became aware of Scout when she inquired whether I had any ideas that might help convince her husband to spank her as she desired. My semi-serious response was posted as Fifty Reasons to Spank Your Wife or Girlfriend.

Scout was pleased with these suggestions, and responded as follows:

I, too, am a 40+ year old woman, and I’ve been married for 17+ years to a wonderful man. Like you and so many others, I've had a preoccupation with spanking for as long as I can remember. Over the years, I've brought it up to Jim, but he's only ever responded with a few light taps. Those were frustrating to me, and his unwillingness to spank longer and harder reinforced my conviction that what I craved was deviant and wrong. Well, one of the wonders and joys of turning 40 is that you don't care so much what other people think. I grew comfortable with knowing that this was something I needed, that it was just intrinsically part of me. More importantly, I have the wonder and joy of a loving marriage with a soul mate. We are good at recognizing that when we are losing connection, we have to heighten it. I knew I had to tell him, in plainer language than I'd used in the past. Your site has been tremendously helpful in finding that language. Things are proceeding apace, I am happy to report. The pace is deliberate, to be sure, as his travel schedule, our house guests, our three children, and eroticism-antidote, stomach flu (a different family member every four or five days) all impinge on our ability to indulge in play. We had a stumble when an attempt wasn't right, but since then, we've had great talks and laughs. Yes, he is bemused by my request, but he is also willing to give it a try, and a re-try. We've had one successful "ice-breaker" paddling. We're going to build on that, and I know it's only going to get more natural and fun for both of us.

That seemed like an excellent beginning and I told her so. Over the next few weeks, Scout and I exchanged several e-mails in which we discussed some of the finer points of this lifestyle. Then, last week, she sent this message with the subject “Good News.”

Thank you for corresponding with me over the last few weeks. You have been most helpful :-) and I have some good news to report. It may even help others like me. My husband, Jim, has traveled a lot this winter and spring. On one of his trips away in March, we were sending each other suggestive and flirty emails. In one of them, I owned up to indulging my spanking fetish by Googling the word "spanking" on the web. I was amazed by what I'd found. Many others shared my fantasies, which I'd always thought were peculiar to me. I worried I had some self-esteem issues or needed counseling because of my fantasies. Also, I had asked Jim to spank me before, but he was reluctant. He did it a few times, but it was only a few light taps that were more frustrating than satisfying. The stories, advice, and accounts on your blog encouraged me to talk more plainly with him. He was bemused, mostly, but welcoming of the spicy talk. He read some, too, and gave me the task of acquiring a paddle. I found Adam and Gillian's site and got the leather "hairbrush" paddle, in burgundy. Well, we had one bad experience. Though I thought I had conveyed what I wanted pretty well, he somehow thought I was asking for something different. We don't have to go into it, but we definitely needed to talk some more, which we did. I should say, we have been married or together for more than 18 years, and luckily we move on from things really well. The downside to the bad experience was that Jim was again reluctant to spank. He thought the paddle was too much. When he went away again, I found a lighter, smaller paddle online (the hickory "little zinger" from Walt). And, curious because I'd seen your dogleg brush depicted on your site so many times, I found one exactly like it, too. I ordered both implements. Jim got home. One of the good things about his being away is that we always have fun phone calls and send provocative emails. He was charmed by the new toys. I told him we had to have an "ice-breaker" paddling, so that he could see he wasn't truly hurting me and that I wanted him to do this. We went into a closet off of our bathroom (we had house guests and were worried about noise) and I gave him the leather paddle that he's so wary of. I told him we didn't even have to do pants down, that we could start slowly, but to my delight he grinned and said that wearing anything was definitely not an option. He bent me over his thigh and gave me about five or six firm swats with the paddle, keeping an eye on my skin. He thought that modest amount, which turned me dark pink, would surely still be visible the next morning, or that I'd be bruised (I wasn't). Surprisingly, to both of us, I think, he was obviously aroused by the experience (as naturally was I) and what followed was truly wonderful. The next time, it was Jim's turn to surprise me. He packed the two paddles away in his closet and put the wooden brush in his nightstand drawer. From the drawer, he extracted nipple clamps! Oh well. It's about indulging each other, right? I actually don't find them objectionable at all, and find they add to the absurdity/fun/kink. We are true newbies. He has spanked me a grand sum total of three times, each with a combination of his hand and the brush. He favors having me lie on the bed over pillows. For a guy who never used to spank hard, he lays it on pretty authoritatively now. We're still working things out (warm-ups, please!), but everything is progressing in a positive, fun, and very satisfying way. Each time is better than the last. For others, I would say one thing that really helps is talking about it in a way that emphasizes the fantasy nature of it. I am way more "into" whatever scenario he spins now that he is indulging what I've long fantasized about. Most of what he says (all?) will never come true, but I am also making an effort to do the things I know he really appreciates (the thing they all appreciate, LOL). Our sex life has never been better, and we've heightened our connection to one another. Thank you, and your blogging friends, for your humor and sage advice. I've been a lurker on several sites, and owe a debt of gratitude to Todd and Suzy, Cassie (and Tom!), Ceeci (and Mojo), Paul, Abel and Haron, Tiggr (and Dante), and others.

As we were subsequently discussing the possibility of adapting her account for "The Spanko Files," Scout offered this brief status report.

Things here continue to get better. The night after I sent this account, I found myself across Jim's lap. He was doing his new husbandly duty, commenting with a chuckle, "I am certainly more confident doing this!" We are having fun and our biggest worry is noise.

So, there you have have it. Excellent advice and insight from the front lines of a successful vanilla partner conversion. I might not have suggested that dogleg brush for beginners, but Jim and Scout are obviously doing quite well with it.

Scout has assured me that she will provide occasional updates. I look forward to following their progress, cheering their discoveries, and celebrating their continued happiness.

Keywords: spanking, recreational spanking, spanking account, spanko files, learning to spank

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 19

Today is Sunday, so brunch is on. I would like to offer a special welcome to TX Spankogirl and SylverSay. I’m glad you stopped by. Please make yourself at home and feel free to return often.

Our question this week probed the purpose of our spankings. Are they recreational/erotic, disciplinary, or some mix of the two? As always, your responses were interesting and thought provoking.

Mike: For my wife and me, it is purely 100% erotic. I think that's why neither of us hesitates to switch.

Doc: My partner and I are at a straights when it comes to spanking. On one hand, I find it extremely erotic, though I think I would find it an excellent motivator and “punishment.” My partner, on that other hovering hand, finds spanking... scary. They can't seem to get it out of their heads that during the act that it is somehow abuse, and thus, we have put a stop to this practice. It’s unfortunate.

My partner understands my needs. As a hypothetical method of fixing this dilemma, we have decided that I may seek out spankings elsewhere. It is not that my partner does not love pleasuring me, and not that we haven't communicated what the truth of spanking is for me. We have. My partner has simply decided it's not for him.

So getting back to the brunch question. Spanking me, for my partner, would be like punishing them.

Jean Marie: For Kyle and me, it's definitely both. But to someone outside our relationship, or outside the scene, it would be difficult to decipher the line between erotic and disciplinary.

Pleasure spankings are foreplay for us, but that doesn't mean that they're all soft and sweet. It could be a session of patty-cake on my bottom, full of caresses and kisses, but it could also be a stiff set with the razor strap. (Something about that leather implement excites me incredibly, and I've achieved orgasm spontaneously, without a touch to any of my nasty bits on many occasions). It could be just a few playful swats before he's hard and I'm wet and we have to fuck like bunnies, or it could build for hours until we do the deed. Pleasure spankings can even include role-play, where I might be lectured sternly and paddled harshly. But we're reading each other throughout, and doing only what the other wants.

Punishment spankings are the other side of the same coin; still currency, but different. They're for when he thinks my attitude needs adjusting, or when I need the release of a good cry and cleansing chastisement. They're business-like, but he might still caress me tenderly (just to contrast the touch with the painful), compliment the way I'm taking my lesson, or kiss me. They are not brief, they have to take us to the place where I'm contrite and he's forgiving. They don't culminate in sex right afterwards, but we've made amazing love an hour or two after punishment, as make-up sex.

I don't know if the distinction is any clearer, but we need them both.

Kyle: I'm going to add something to what Jean Marie said, and use her account to do so, because I've never posted here before.

Because Jean Marie has it in her head that leather implements are warming and erotic, and wooden implements are hard-edged and crueler, we often let that be the distinction between fun spanking and punishment. She'll find a lengthy, demanding session with the strap or a leather paddle erotic. She'll tear-up like a naughty little girl in need of punishment when I tell her that she's going to get a good, old fashioned hairbrush spanking. (She really knows that she's been bad and is in for it if I get out the cane.)

So that is the tangible manifestation for us as to whether the spanking's intent is pleasure or pain. Jean Marie's emotional connection to the act is the key factor. I can spank the hell out of her, but if the context is playful, she'll find it erotic. I could give her just two wallops with the hairbrush (though I never would let her off that lightly), and she'd cry like a baby and beg for my forgiveness, and be too emotionally spent to want to make love until much later. It's complex because her psyche is complex, but because she's stunningly beautiful and endlessly fascinating and amazingly loving, it's worth putting up with and trying to figure out.

Bbobb: For Kasey and me, it's all about fun and games. While we do have rules that are "punishable" with spankings that's really just part of the game.

Paul: Mel and I had a D/D and D/s relationship. That said the majority of our spankings were erotic.

Erotic spanking weren't necessarily painless, that depended very much on Mel's needs. However, they always culminated with wonderful sex.

Punishments, while rare, happened. They could be less painful than erotic spankings. The cane was always used for punishment. As the others said, sex didn't immediately follow punishment, but there would be cuddles and forgiveness and, in the later evening at bedtime, very good sex.

Spanky: My vote is for primarily recreational/erotic. There is an element of D/s that can enter at times, and Kallisto enjoys both "good girl" and "bad girl" spankings. But we primarily engage in spanking as a fun warm up for sex. But, we're new at this too!

Jean Marie: Inspired by this dialogue, Kyle said he wanted to "experiment" this morning. First, he lubricated my rectum and gave me a warm water enema. Nothing puts me in a submissive mood like this ritual. Then, he stuffed a halved cotton ball in each of my ears and blindfolded me with his neckties. I've always scoffed at those leather head-covering hoods, but sense of deprivation is interesting.

Kyle picked me up and put me over his knee. He says he spanked me with all wooden toys, the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon, and the cane. But he used each sparingly. It tingled, stung, and titillated. Intermittently, he fingered my wet pussy and pinched my erect nipples. I came over and over.

He then stood me up and bent me over the bed. He swears that he used the beloved razor strap. The strokes were hard and fast and had me gasping and dancing. He strapped my already sensitized bottom and rogered my invigorated sex over and over. I was in heaven. I was a rag doll who nearly collapsed from weak knees for what seemed like hours.

My entire lower half is glowing magnificently right now. But I had to tell you all that I don't know anything any more. The line defining play from punishment isn't just blurred, it's gone. I thought that I knew, but Kyle's experiment taught me otherwise. I just know that I'm in nirvana...

TX Spankogirl: I'd say our spankings are primarily recreational/erotic, but there are times that I do get a punishment spanking. Most of the time, my spankings are infused with mind-blowing sex, before, during and after the spanking. Even after a punishment, all is forgiven and it ends up with us making love, but it's a lot more gentle than at other times. LOL We also have "discipline" sessions in our play, but these are different than true discipline spankings because there isn't that psychological humbling that comes along with real sorrow. Most of our sessions are all in fun, but that doesn't mean they don't hurt like the dickens! LOL

SylverSay: Spanking for me is a way of feeling loved. My M loves me enough to do so, when I need it. He feels the same way about the spanking. It’s is a loving act. It is not punishment, though he will playfully throw in a reason for the spanking. He has said that he could never actually punish me for something. So for us. it is recreational/erotic.

Tigger: Our spankings are recreational/erotic. For us, spanking is always foreplay!

Cuddlybum: I'm not really getting disciplinary spankings at the minute, but I do still get stress relief spankings. These are close, but not the same.

There are times when an erotic session is much harder, more painful, but easier to take. I think it has to do with the mental states. The stress relief ones are hard and fast, with him telling me how daft it is to get this upset, etc. I'm nearly always put to bed for a nap afterwards, emphasising the child feeling.

Erotic spankings end up, elsewhere, shall we say? Plus for some reason, erotic spankings always seem to involve implements. Stress ones involve his hand, my naked bum and possibly the hairbrush.

Bonnie: If I had the opportunity to write this question again, I would have asked about more than just two purposes. There are, in fact, many lovely hues between black and white.

Randy and I don’t do discipline or punishment. These don’t make sense in the context of our relationship. However, like Cuddlybum, Randy does occasionally spank me for stress relief. These are hard spankings by necessity, but they are usually short in duration.

In contrast, our much more frequent erotic spankings can be quite intense, but they tend to be playful in tone and longer in duration. For Randy and me, a sexy spanking is the best possible foreplay. Just the sight of a paddle resting on our bed is frequently enough to get me in the mood. Regardless of the original intent, virtually all of our spankings lead to sex.

CeeCi: Our feet are firmly planted on the erotic/recreational side of the fence. The relationship we have, the people we are, has defined the role spanking takes in our lives. We're both very happy with the arrangement.

Lee: Even though I've never been in a serious relationship, I can completely see things staying on the erotic side of spanking (once I find someone to indulge me...). As far as the whole discipline thing goes, I don't see myself in a "strict" discipline relationship. Yet, I'm the type of person to never forgive myself once I've wronged someone, so it will be interesting to see if I adopt some kind of discipline aspect to it all, eventually.

Jigsaw Analogy: When I'm having a little less mental health turmoil than I currently am, there's a whole range of uses for spanking in our relationship. Foreplay (or just play) is definitely an aspect--this is the aspect I think W is most comfortable with.

Then there's stress-relief, or stress-prevention (a tingling butt makes me a far calmer driver, and far friendlier with family and friends).

And there's the role of spankings as discipline. These are in part about giving me the ability to let go of the self-punishment I'm inclined to do, and get some closure, and also to encourage me to change behaviors that it's difficult for me to change.

Right now, our entire relationship is complicated in ways that make spankings not a frequent option, and I do miss them and all of the ways they enhance our relationship and help me to be more secure and balanced.

Dave: Cindy receives the VAST majority of the spankings in our relationship, although we have begun to switch in the last year or so. My spankings are pretty much 100% erotic, while she receives both erotic and punishment ones. I've added a post on our blog if you care to read more!

Elis: Our spanking are all in the playful, sexual, erotic stage. I am so excited that we have made it this far. I have no complaints! But because of the fantasies I have had throughout my life, I have always thought I wanted some discipline. I still do think that. But do I really? Probably, but I'm not worried and I am in no hurry. If it happens naturally someday, I am all for it.

Thanks, everybody!

Keywords: spanking, recreational spanking, discipline spanking, punishment spanking, erotic spanking, My Bottom Smarts, spanko brunch