Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Oct 27

Our topic this week was what happens when a spankee feels they want or need more spanking. Here are your thoughts.

Hermione: It's been a long time since I complained about a too brief or too light spanking. When it happened in the past, I never complained because as a submissive, I accept whatever my husband chooses to do. But I had other ways of letting him know I could take more.

Setting out several implements for him to use was a way of letting him know he didn't need to stop at one. Expressing admiration for his spanking talent during or after a spanking let him know that I wasn't unhappy or distressed by his actions and that he wasn't overdoing it. I also brought out an hourglass once to use as an indication of when to stop. It ran for 15 minutes. Spankings also tend to last longer when they are not part of foreplay, but encounters for their own sake (although lovemaking might follow at a later time).

Ron now continues a spanking for much longer than he used to, and when he's done, I am usually ready to stop too.

Dana: Not so much now, but in the beginning, there were a few times. I usually tell Steve if I don't feel like it was enough. Most of the time, he did more, but once or twice, he felt like I had already had enough and chose to talk about it instead.

Meg: I tend to be very straightforward. The very first time, he was being his usual, gentlemanly self and delivered the first swat with the paddle so as to leave a mildly titillating sting, but no more. I simply looked back at him with an amused smile and said, "Oh, come on! You can do better than that." That was all he needed, and he laid the next four on, not as hard as he could, but still with considerably more force and sounds like pistol shots. Now that we're a competent team, he knows my limit and pushes me to it, and sometimes a little beyond, every time.

Reece Seever: Not during a session. Since we use spanking for DD. It doesn't really work if it's not hard. So, I will tell her if a session did not really push me to my limits.

S: Still over D's lap after a good spanking, my smarting bottom upwards, I said out of devilment, "Is that what you call a spanking?" He said nothing, but then I felt the cold wood of our big hairbrush on my hot cheeks, and I got a spanking I have never forgotten!

Mr BB: A spankee should have a voice in all their needs including the length or intensity of a spanking.

Personally, I think discussions beforehand are very helpful and vital if a Spanker and spankee are beginning their play or disciplinary spanking dynamic. There should be a safeword also so the Spanker knows it's alright to keep going no matter what the spankee says, other then the safeword.

If the spanking is for disciplinary reasons, it's also helpful to have a safeword, but the spankee (TiH) may not feel it necessary to use because they both have a full understanding of the spankee's tolerance levels and what is sufficient for each progressing level of discipline.

Communication is the Key!

Michael : Season and I are very good at verbalizing our needs. Just yesterday, Season shyly mentioned she would like a spanking with the leather nanny paddle. Last night, I proceeded to toast her tushy with the small but potent paddle. On very rare occasions, when Season is in the zone and after I scorch her bottom to a glowing red and I think she has had enough, she will remain over my lap, raise and wiggle her bum in a silent plea to continue her spanking. Sometimes, she will will purr "More" and though her bum is sore, I will continue the spanking until she is satisfied.

River Wild: My HoH is a gentle man and doesn't like hurting me, so he tries to err on the side of caution. Usually, he stops a minute or two after I start really crying, but I could probably take much more. For me, a hard spanking is somehow easier to take once I start to cry, probably because I am more in acceptance of the fact that my naughty tush is getting tanned no matter what, and nothing I can do or say will change that. At times, the spanking will go on just long enough for me to start thinking of mean names for my husband and then stop. He always makes me look at him before deciding if I've had enough because if I'm still glaring or pouting back over I go. I can't hide my emotions!

Prefectdt: In my case, the answer to the first part of the question is yes. However, I appreciate when a Top or Domme who may not know me that well is careful at the start of play and works up to finding my limit.

This can take a little too long sometimes, so I drop a hint by thanking them for being so lenient with me. That usually works. If it does not work, then I just ask for harder play straight out.

Elizabeth T.: My Sir tends to be more lenient than not. Spankings hurt, but even when I cry, I know I can take more. I often crave more but he doesn't seem willing to give me more and I accept that as his submissive. I sometimes find myself becoming a brat because I want to feel his dominance. It's still new to me and scary and I am not always sure if I can communicate my needs to him as well as other submissives seem to communicate with their doms.

Welcome, Elizabeth!

Roz : I have had some occasions in the past when I felt the spanking didn't quite get me the release I needed and I told him that I wish I had been able to release. His response was to simply ask me if I needed more and then deliver it. LOL

In the early days, there were a few occasions where I didn't tell him, but I ended up 'acting out' afterwards.

Bonnie: We generally do a pretty good job of communicating expectations beforehand, but once in a while there is a disconnect.

Randy is usually delighted to learn that I require more spanking. A second spanking under such circumstances is always a lot more, um, effective. He has certain painful implements and less than dignified positions he reserves for these occasions. When I ask for more, it is with a full understanding of what awaits me. I can expect a very sore bottom and complete satisfaction of any residual spanking need. Sometimes, when I'm in just the right frame of mind, it's worth it.

Thank you all for joining our brunch conversation!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Feb 21

Our topic this week was techniques for subtly suggesting a spanking.

Kitten: I execute unnecessary feline-type stretches. I wear panties that frame my backside, or wear no panties with socks and blouse to emphasize that the underpants are missing for a reason.

Lying in a prone position with one foot lazily raised and a hair brush casually dangling between my toes is always good.

Irelynn: I think wearing underwear with cheeky or suggestive phrases on it and making sure they're seen usually has the desired effect!

Hermione: I wear snug sweatpants and that seems to invite attention. I also get up from the couch very slowly, and gradually straighten up, and sometimes a swat helps me up. A bare bottom gets instant results too.

S.N.M.: My last ex was the queen of this.

She was always lying down in front of me and sticking her ass in my face, or dancing in front of me and waving/wiggling it back and forth, or just turning it suggestively in my direction before giggling and fleeing into another room.

She happened to have a huge, round bubble-butt, so flaunting it pretty much always got my attention. She was such a delight to spank...

2Good: I wear the naughty schoolgirl outfit. This works every time. Yep, the schoolgirl short, pleated skirt gets my bottom warmed without fail.

If I ever wear a thong, either with or without something over it, I'm just asking for a hard spanking from my boyfriend. But if I'm feeling bratty or he's feeling randy, I may even get it by just wearing granny panties!

Ronnie: Wearing no pants under a tight fitting skirt and getting P to feel my bottom has a fair chance of working. So does my more audacious ploy of walking around the house just wearing one of his shirts with stockings and suspenders framing my bottom and doing lots of overt and unnecessary bending and stretching. I think I deserve a good spanking after that.

I've also lain face down on the bed over a pillow with a paddle or something aside me more than once with quite good results.

R Humphries: Although most of our plays are prearranged and choreographed, we do also engage in the fine art of spontaneous spanking and gratuitous whops. Very often, such sessions are provoked by Jojo positioning herself in a manner that is clearly designed to entice old RH into action, We have been together for a long time and have developed a certain telepathy in regard to such matters, so hopefully I do manage to interpret the signals correctly.

Meg: The short, pleated skirt with the fuzzy top and the platform heels are together guaranteed to do it every time, especially if I bend over to pick up something, lean over a counter or table, etc.

Sunflower: I find it's more how I act than what I wear. Of course, being new, it's mainly still talked about/asked for before given. However, the occasional spontaneous swat happens, again more so in response to a behavior than an appearance or positioning thing. Starting a tickle fight works every time!

Bonnie: I've chronicled here many ways to ask without asking. The most effective technique, though, is one over which I have little control. I seldom need to draw attention to my bottom because Nature has already done so. Try as I might to conceal it, it's always back there silently requesting my dear husband's attention. Fortunately for us, we both thoroughly enjoy this game and all the merriment that ensues.

Thanks, everyone, for joining our brunch bunch. I hope to see you again next weekend!

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Oct 4

Our topic was clever ways to ask for a spanking. Here are your thoughts.

Sara: There is the classic "Spank me" text message.

I have a friend who set up a sticker system on their fridge. Yellow means, “need increasing,” orange means, “spanking alert,” and red indicates, “meltdown imminent.”

I have emailed fun spanking postcards to my husband. Rosybottom offers some nice invitations.

I enjoy imagining him at work, opening an e-mail like that, and having to wait until he can get his hands on me! Anticipation is a very nice thing! ;)

Todd and Suzy: For Suzy, bratting is a common way, though I'm not sure how "creative" that is. Some of the more unique ways have been. These include a blog post (basically) asking for a spanking, an e-mail, and bringing home a new spanking implement. Usually, though, it's something really simple like positioning her bottom in a very spankable way or just coming right out and asking.

As for Todd, he likes to look for some sort of naughty misdeed that has been committed. Dishes aren't done (even though they're almost always done at night) and clothes stacked in the chair (they always are, LOL) are two good examples. Usually, though, it's just a matter of "come here" and then doing it.

Ronnie: I'm not sure whether this is particularly creative. I send him a picture of myself by e-mail with some naughty text added or I leave an implement out. When I know that he's due home, I dress up and position myself in a particular way.

Or I just plonk myself over his lap and tell him I need a spanking.

Hermione: If I need a proper spanking, I send Ron an email or even come right out and say so.

For some quick fun, I have a few options: guide his hands to the appropriate place, stop in front of him and bend over ever so slightly, slide my pants down to expose the target area, or hand him an implement and ask for his evaluation.

I want to thank Sara for posting the link to Rosybottom. That's a fun site that I hadn't visited before.

Prefectdt: It's been a long time since I've had a regular spanking partner, so it's time to dig deep into the memory for this one.

A light tap across the back of the head with the palm of the hand is sure to provoke a response. My favorite, though, is a letter of confession, written in the style of an eight year old, complete with misspellings and crossing outs. What you are confessing to is also a good indicator of how severe you want the spanking to be.

Tiggs: Oooh, Prefectdt sure hit on one that used to be a favorite of mine, the childlike confession letter. I still prefer e-mails when it comes to asking for a spanking, and when I think about it, being informed to expect one by e-mail is also quite a thrill, though in an entirely different way.

Dante's very creative when it comes to the actual spanking, way too creative for his own good sometimes. But as for requesting a spanking, well, I usually just bring him a toy or send him an e-mail asking if he's in the mood, or at least letting him know that I'm in the mood. Then nature takes its course. LOL

Lurvspanking: No rituals or hints are needed, just ask.

However, I did write a short story about a very creative way for a woman to ask her man for a spanking. I hope you enjoy this story.

Meg: Our cues are mostly wordless, and I usually initiate things. Sometimes, I get the paddle and leave it on his desk, on the bathroom vanity, on the couch, or on the bed. On other occasions, I walk up and hand it to him as I give him a look of pseudo-contriteness out of the tops of my eyes (I'm only 5'2" and he's a foot taller). I'm usually dressed in a short skirt and high heels, so I flip the skirt up, bend over and grab my ankles. I know that his adrenalin level is then as high as mine. Occasionally, I snuggle up to him for some vanilla stuff, then flop over his lap for a warm-up before we get to work with the board of education.

Daisy: ASK HIM? No WAY!

That spoils the "shock" of it for me. I have to "deserve" it, by misbehaving in some way. However, Dante's vouchers from last year are ready and waiting to be left about accidentally when he gets here.

Cowgirl: I need to "deserve it" also. I will not just ask. What's the fun in that? I'll "misbehave" in some fashion that I know will get me spanked. Then I try to fight Chase off and get away when he's coming after me. LOL Chase enjoys a bit of a fight and I like fighting back, so it works.

Handsdown: I must say that if I have to resort to just asking for it in plain English, it does take some of the fun out of it. So, how to get a spanking without using your words? Let’s see, I send e-mail links to my favorite spankings on Spanking Tube to get the juices flowing. I put “ha, ha” sticky notes on the things around the house I didn’t do that I was supposed to do. Since my man is OCD, I rearrange his perfectly organized shoes in the closet, I find that hilarious, actually. I put my thong in his underwear drawer. I remind him that I still didn’t make him his favorite cookies, and I leave the cookie press he bought me two years ago out on the counter. I hand scrub floors wearing only a thong. I put a whoopee cushion on his chair at the dinner table. I mimic his accent. And if all that still doesn’t do the trick, I wiggle my bare butt right in his face. Of course, all that only goes down when the kids are out of the house. LOL That’s our biggest challenge.

Imintril: I do wish there were ways I could "misbehave" and get a spanking. However, I usually have to come out and ask. No amount of bottom wriggling gets noticed. Even permission and requests that I be given spankings at random intervals, go unheeded. I like some of the ideas above for how to ask. It's always been a difficult prospect to ask for a spanking face-to-face. I want to feel some sort of inevitability about it, and that won't happen when asking that way. Perhaps an e-mail, or one of those spanking cards, earlier during the day will allow me to build up that sense of inevitability before my wife gets home. And then, mmmm, the feel of hand to rear.

Dr. Ken: I'm always more than happy to dish out a spanking, so it really doesn't take much. If it's a "good girl" spanking, just ask me or say, "I need a spanking." If you feel the need to do something to deserve it, just sticking out your tongue at me will do the trick!

Betina: I have been creative on a few occasions. Here some of my best.

In December one year, I sent him a letter from "Santa" (stamp and all) informing him that his wife had ended up on the naughty list and that the jolly fellow himself was to busy to take care of matters. In the letter were also a few hints about how to best deal with a naughty wife. Along with that, I put a new paddle in his stocking with a tag saying "handcrafted by elves."

Another was when he got a pair of new slippers for his birthday. I copied the product description and made a new one that said, "Dear customer, congratulations on your new purchase. These slippers are a quality product of which we are very proud. They are made from quality materials and have a very comfortable and flexible sole. Used properly, we guarantee that they will efficiently warm your feet, as well as your naughty wife’s bottom, for many years ahead. (namebrand) customer service.”

If roleplay is an option, I once sent a confirmation letter from a maid service and showed up late at the door in full french maid outfit. Let's just say that I didn't do that good a job and paid the price.

Have fun. It worked for me!

LU: For me, I guess I have never technically asked for it, according to RU anyway, who is right next to me. I did surprise him once. When he walked in the door, I was bent over the kitchen table in a t-shirt, and some thigh-high socks with the implements on the table next to me. If that is not asking for it, I really don't know what is. Since we are a long distance couple, there is not much chance of asking for it. I know it is coming. LOL. My bottom is a bit sore at the moment as a matter of fact.

Ms. Betty: little bunny and I have comedy night. I don't like puns. I consider most of them criminal, and some of them nearly capital.

At the same time, bunny wanted a way to playfully get "in trouble" (or danger, as we say to distinguish between play and discipline). He feels bratting is disrespectful, so he didn't want to do that. But he wanted a "safe" way to signal that his tail needed some attention.

So we came up with comedy night. When he's feeling playful he'll post a string of really bad jokes or spring one on me during a conversation.

I reward these little bits of wit with what I call "the sound of one hand clapping," which, oddly enough, sounds exactly like a ping pong paddle striking bare skin.

littleone: I am not sure I would call it "creative,"
but when the world becomes too much, when my stress levels hit boiling point, then my Sir knows the best way to right me, to plant my feet firmly on the ground, and to settle me down. He whoops my ass, and then holds me and cuddles me and lets me cry it all out.

Beki: At our house, if I want a spanking, I will hang a dish towel from the handle of the upper cabinets in our kitchen. Once I thoughtlessly looped a hand towel through the handle of a drawer. Apparently that was close enough.

Padme: Master Anakin has left his belt out on our nightstand as a way to let me know he wants to spank me or motivate me to get something done. I usually come out and tell him when I need a spanking. I have written him blog posts about it or twittered him about it letting him know or sometimes just sent an e-mail. I've also come right out and told him that I needed it and I have gotten very good about that through the years.

There have been times when I have gotten the toys out, laid them out for him, bent my bottom over the bed, and begged him for a spanking. That works too! :)

Jean Marie: First, my boyfriend is very private, so posting here on Sundays is one way of my asking for a spanking.

Second, as I imagine others share, when I wear the schoolgirl outfit, I'm sure to get a caning, and my cheerleader's outfit always gets me a paddling.

Probably my most creative "request" was years ago when I was trying to overcome my shyness and make it as an actress in L.A. I borrowed my boyfriend's sports car, returned it without a scratch, but tearfully told him that I'd totaled it. When he ascertained that I was uninjured by whiplash, only feeling huge guilt, he spanked me for what he thought was a sound lesson. As he stood me back up, I told him that I'd made the whole thing. His jaw dropped, and I got a really sound, inspired leathering with his belt. It was one of my most memorable experiences over the knee.

Sarah Jane: My favorite is the time I waited, panties down and skirt up, bent over the edge of the couch with a strap laid next to me, for my then-partner to get home from work. My request was unmistakable!

Muffin: I don't have to ask. Mr. D is always on the lookout for a good excuse to spank me, even if the reason is, "Because it was there," meaning my backside. I have been known to bend over in front of him, or to pull down my pants, or to go over his knee. It doesn't take much provocation. He's ALWAYS willing to stop what he's doing to spank my bottom!

Kathy: I used the survey that was here a few weeks ago to tell my partner that I thought this was something we needed to add. It seems that it worked because he wants to discuss the answers I gave.

Throck: I agree with Daisychain and Handsdown that asking negates some of the shock experience that is wonderful in spanking. I like to feel like a naughty boy, caught off guard, and I don't like to ask. However, my wife, C, is rather vanilla and needs encouragement. I have sent her some blog posts and that worked very nicely once. I thought about a "naughty book" where I could record misdeeds and have it reviewed by C periodically, and get appropriately spanked. But I got mixed reviews on that idea from other spanking aficionados. There are some great ideas here that I will have to try. I especially liked Perfectdt's idea.

Anon: Because I'm in a fairly new relationship and we're still exploring what works and doesn't work for us (with spanking as well as every other aspect of a relationship), I'm still at the stage where I'll ask or suggest. I'm hoping that I can use some of these ideas in the future though, so thanks for the advice!

Bonnie: Much as Muffin described, I don't have to work very hard to ask. In fact, sometimes Randy thinks I am asking when I hadn't even considered the idea. Wearing pretty much any light-colored and snug-fitting slacks, shorts, skirt, or dress will invite his attention. In fact, just being nude works remarkably well.

When I want to ask, we have lots of signals. Setting out an implement sends the message. So does bending over in front of him. Wearing thong-style underwear is another classic. Sometimes, after a spanking, I will rub my sore bottom and say something like, “I love how that feels.” That line usually earns me a second helping.

With that said, I still occasionally bring him a paddle. There's something to be said for being clear and direct.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. I hope to see you all next week.

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Sep 7

Our topic this week was whether and how a spankee can ask for a longer or more severe spanking. Here are your thoughts.

Em: In our relationship, the answer is yes and for pretty much the first year of said relationship, I did just that.

For me, it was the first time I had received spankings as punishments. For Jack, it was a matter of learning my limits. We both found that it helped for me to let him know when a spanking fell short of what I needed.

We had a couple of different methods for communicating this, although they just seemed to be what came naturally to us. It was never specifically planned or discussed. Usually, it came up while we were cuddling after the spanking. I was generally not brave enough to say anything while in the process of being spanked!

Often, I'd just mention that I thought I deserved a bit more. But sometimes, he would ask if I felt better and understood that a less than enthusiastic response meant a little more was needed.

This seemed to work quite well for us. Jack was understandably hesitant to go all out until he had a better idea of what I could take. Having my first experiences with discipline spankings, I was still learning what made it a productive experience for me.

Of course, over time we've acclimated to each other and we're both pretty good at reading each other’s signals now. Every now and then, though, I'll still ask for an encore performance and he's always happy to give me one :)

Maryann: I have wiggled my bottom, bratted, and asked directly for more spankings. Sometimes, I have wanted more, but chose to accept the gift he gave me without further comment. Other times, he has given me more than I thought I could take. Each time is different. I like the out-of-control aspect of being spanked, so I only ask for more if it is appropriate to the playful nature of the game. I'd never want him to feel criticized for his gift of love!'

PM Duo: I think it really depends on the relationship. Although he generally makes the decision about what to spank with, how long, etc., if I feel before we start that I want something more intense, I'll tell him very clearly what I want. Communication is important to both of us, especially around spanking and not speaking out, which I think would be harmful for our relationship.

I think in a punishment spanking it would be different, but we've never done that so I can only speculate. It seems like in that case, all the control would go to the person doing the spanking. But again, I think it really would depend on the relationship and situation.

Daisy: I think we spankees have many ways in which we can "convey our preferences" without the need to directly ask. Asking this may work for some, it’s not the way our dynamic operates. I find it thrilling and immensely sexy for him to be in control, yet I want to retain that control. I’m sorry if that sounds confusing, but I AM a woman!

I will remain bratty and filled with attitude until I decide I have had enough. Yet, if he stops as soon as I become contrite, I have "won the battle" (for I can become remorseful at will! It’s one of my good tricks). No, he needs to continue just to prove HE is in charge, and he is amazingly good at reading me, considering we have only spent a month in each other’s company in nearly 3 years!

I don't like to ask directly for more. It ruins the whole idea in my head! I have to "NOT WANT" it in order to enjoy it.

Heather: I have a hard time just flat out asking. Even though it IS okay for me to ask, I almost never do. Besides, we have a young child. It isn't easy to work around her, even if I felt like I could ask.

By the way, Bonnie, thanks for posting on my blog. And thanks to anyone else who may have posted since I last looked.

Dr. Ken: As far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly okay to ask before, during, or after for how much spanking she wants. You should be free to ask for what you want in a relationship--even though it may be difficult at times. But I would certainly encourage it. I know very few tops who are going to turn down a request for "more spanking, please" (unless, of course, there's a very good reason for doing so).

With one lady I knew, it was simple. When I thought "that's probably enough," I would say to her, "Now are you going to behave?" and if she wanted more, she'd reply, "Maybe..."

Paul: With my partner, I had to be careful with requests for more. As a masochist, she often wanted more than I was willing to give. I was able to judge what she needed and gave it short of injury. She was well aware of my concerns. As long as she was regularly spanked, she was mainly happy.

Major Mischief: For my partner and me, spankings are carried out for two reasons. They are either a roleplay "just because" or as foreplay before sex.

The former has a given scenario and it would be difficult, even spoil the fun, if I were to say "more, harder" when I'm meant to reluctantly "take what I deserve." You hardly hear someone caught red-handed beg for more punishment, do you? However, if the play merely tickles my senses, I may afterwards give him a mischievous pleading look and ask "again?" This usually means that he either continues to play in the same type of role and convey another made up sin for which I deserve a spanking, or falls out of character and actually asks me what I want.

This is almost like setting a child free in a toy store because it means he's alright with giving me whatever – Yay!

Foreplay means that we are more flexible. Since the aim is to turn us both on, we can each make little suggestions. Luckily, we've come to a point when he can tell from my sounds and body language whether I want more. For instance, if I move my hips, almost as if having intercourse, he knows to intensify the spanking. I like to come to the point when I don't want more. I’d rather not beg him to stop, so my body language becomes rather a strained cramp, arching my back to get away.

Hermione: I believe it is completely appropriate for the spankee to make requests if specific needs are not being met. Making those requests is another matter, because it often isn't easy. I prefer to let Ron take charge of the spanking and I rarely interrupt to ask for something during one. I may talk about it afterward, telling him what I liked, and maybe suggesting a change for the next time.

Communication is something that is continuously evolving between us. I am finding it easier to ask for what I want, and Ron is becoming increasingly sensitive to my needs. He will adjust his activity based on my reaction, so I don't have to ask.

If I feel stressed and know I need more attention than usual I will let Ron know before we begin, and might suggest an implement that we don't usually use because of its severity. Then he takes control and gives me exactly what is necessary to leave me feeling peaceful, relaxed, and sore.

Radagast: I don't put a restriction on what a person I'm playing with can ask for or convey before or after a session (even during if they need to). For the most part, I'm playing because I enjoy it and I'm presuming that the bottom is enjoying it as well. The experience should be what both people want rather than something that's dictated by the Top (unless that is what the other person desires). I have neither protocols nor rules regarding how anyone can talk to me outside of what is happening in a scene that has been decided ahead of time. There are times when a person I'm spanking gives me non-verbal or verbal cues during a spanking – bratting is often an example – and that's fine as well (assuming I pick up on it).

Brambleberry Blush: It's important to me to maintain the illusion of being dominated during a spanking, so I would never verbally ask for more. I am not above making sounds, sweet moans, and arching my back, to say, "keep going!" When I'm done, I mentally check out and become very still. My husband knows me and is perspective enough to read the signs.

If I haven't been spanked in awhile and am feeling the need, it's relatively easy to get him to notice a cute little skirt or a smart mouth. He knows what's called for.

Mary: It’s exciting how experience allows couples to grow to understand each other's signals. I've been known not to get off his lap when being sent to the corner. I don't know if it is the wanting of more, or just liking how it feels to be close and safe. Either way, not following directions usually results in a blistering onslaught of more spanks. Since he doesn't like to have his role challenged much, I am usually quite ready to go to the corner the next time I am directed. Also, I can ask for more. There is the difference between enthusiastic promises to better versus the "I'll try to do better" that he seems to clue in on as an indication of whether the job is done.

Prefectdt: It is not only acceptable, but vital that a bottom communicates this kind of desire to a top. During the first few plays with a new top, I find verbal communication is necessary to find the desirable level of play.

Over time, this usually develops into reading body language and mutual knowledge of each other.

I believe that it is unreasonable for a bottom to expect a top to come equipped with a crystal ball or an ability to mind read. It is the responsibility of a bottom to communicate with a top.

Jack: In our relationship, my wife likes to be spanked. Then, when her bottom is bright red, I massage and lick her. There is not really any sign she wants it, it just happens. Of course, I never hurt her. It’s a love thing with us.

Todd: It's not only accepted, but it's preferred that a spankee speak up if she wants a longer or more intense spanking. I welcome it without question, unless it’s a discipline spanking (not that I think such a request would be made anyway, LOL).

Few spankees ever speak up in such a direct way though. I think it would impact their headspace to come right out and say "spank me harder, please." So, I like to ask questions, especially when getting to know a spankee. I also think non-verbal cues work well too. Picking an implement and body language are two good ones that have already been mentioned. Bratting is another, as is just talking. If I hear a spankee talking about the weather and such, I figure it's a safe bet that she's looking for something harder.

Thomas: It's always permissible to ask for or hint at a longer or harder spanking. How you go about it depends upon your relationship, and the context of the spanking in question.

If it's a playful spanking, like the kind that you might get or give at a party for bratting, then the simplest way to get it longer or harder is to simply keep bratting while you're over their knee. There is nothing like pretending to sleep or otherwise be unaffected by the current intensity to get the spanker to up the ante. If you want to feel a certain implement, then reach over and toss it out of his reach. Yes, it postpones the moment, but as soon as it's back in his hands, and be prepared to have to fetch it yourself, you can bet that it's going to be used on you. And there's nothing better than a last second bratting attempt to make the spanker decide that he's not really done and continuing instead of stopping before you're ready for him to do so.

For more formal spanking play sessions, simply asking for the level of play that you want ahead of time, such as during negotiations when playing at a party, works wonders. Be vocal during your spanking. If you want to feel a certain implement, ask if he'll show you how it feels. If it's not hard enough, ask him to show you what it can really do. If you want a longer session, set aside a certain amount of time for the session, letting him know that you expect the full allotted time to be used.

The most important thing is to never try to be subtle. We can sometimes be dense if you don't smack us over the head with what you want. So keep hints simple, or we may miss the message.

Elle: I think in a loving relationship, the partner should be able to read the other partner's needs. At least, they should be able to do so. Sometimes, however, there will be misunderstandings. In theory, there is no problem with asking for what you need, but with something so complex as the desire to be dominated and spanked, it is contradictory in certain kinds of play to ask explicitly.

Personally, if I want a spanking, I'll bend over in front of him or somehow place my bottom temptingly in his line of sight. Or sometimes, I'll pop him one, a light slap on his ass usually gets a "Wrong way round" response and I end up turned over his lap.
If it looks like he's going to let me off too lightly and I want more than I'm going to get, I purr and moan and generally make it clear that I am loving every stroke.

Greenwoman: I have partners who take the time to get to know my body and responses and they are also always checking in with me to see if I want more. I'm actually asked about it always, so I don't need to worry about not getting enough. I've only been told I can't have more once. I was bodily lifted and taken to the shower, where I came down and promptly agreed with his assessment. *smiles*

Bonnie: Randy has absolutely no problem with me asking for more, regardless of the timing, situation, or method. The only trouble such a request causes is when I attempt to sit after the spanking. He takes such occasions as full license to deliver extra hard swats using his favorite implements.

He knows that I know what happens when I ask for more. I know he knows I know. So when I make such a request, it comes with a complete understanding of the consequences. Sometimes, though, we both know that a very sore, very red bottom is just what I need.

Thank you all for participating in our spanko brunch. I hope you’ll join us again next week.

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 4

Our topic for this brunch was asking. Is it all right for the spankee to ask to be spanked or to ask for more? Or does that constitute topping from the bottom? Here's what you said.

Perverted but Friendly: We are slightly unusual spankos as we normally discuss the spanking first and I get to add my input, then I get spanked. Sometimes, I do ask for more or harder swats, but I think that my partner has the measure of what I need, so that does not happen often.

Anon VII: Addressing this issue from the spanker's perspective, if I may, I have no problem with being asked (or better, invited, ideally by wordless action and/or look) to administer a spanking. Since I'm not into either punishment or dominance, but very much into the erotic/sexual aspects that often begin playfully, I like to know as exactly as possible what she does and doesn't want.

Sometimes it's discussed, but often that, too, is wordless. She might leave an implement in plain sight (often on my desk), stretch across my lap ostensibly to get something off the table beside the couch, or emphasize the bending over to pick something up off the floor. To me, her wants are every bit as important as mine, so I'm not bothered by "topping from the bottom" so long as it's not done in a commanding or petulant fashion.

Robin: Oh, that’s absolutely reasonable. As much as I would like DH to take charge and just do it, there will always be times when I want/need a spanking and DH is not in that mind space. If I don't say anything, he's not going to know, and as irrational as it is, I will get frustrated and irritated with him for not giving me the spanking I want/need. I have to remind myself that DH is not a mind reader.

As for asking for more, I suppose it would depend on the type of spanking. Our spankings are play/erotic. Asking for more or harder or whatever, seems reasonable. I have made comments during a spanking, but how the spanking goes is ultimately up to DH. If we were doing disciplinary or punishment spankings, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment about quantity or intensity during the spanking. It would be too much like questioning his authority.

I sometimes set out my preferred implements, and DH will most likely use them. But if I don't set out what he prefers he'll get them out and use them anyway.

I may ask to be spanked. I may suggest implements, positions, intensity, quantity, etc. While DH does listen, he's in charge and may or may not do as I suggest. And I prefer it that way.

Todd and Suzy: We think it's reasonable for a spankee to make requests. But it's not always practical. Having to come right out and SAY what is wanted changes the dynamics. It doesn't feel very submissive and thus takes something away from the experience.

So, we have little playful 'rules' that lead to a spanking if they're broken. Nothing bad happens if the rule is broken. We're talking about things like having to shave or not leaving dirty clothes on the floor. By breaking one of these silly rules, the "I want a spanking" signal is sent.

Some would say this is topping from the bottom, and they're probably right. It works for us, though, so... So what! It's better than having to directly ask.

As for more swats, or harder/softer requests, Suzy has subtle ways of letting those desires be known. For example... “Have you learned your lesson…?” “What lesson, sir?” LOL Okay, maybe it's not so subtle!

Also, it has helped that we've communicated so openly about spanking through the years.

Natty: Oh, I think it's certainly appropriate to ask. Personally, though, I hate asking. Like Todd and Suzy mentioned, asking changes the dynamic, and I like to feel that it's something I don't have a choice about. Sometimes, out of desperation (usually at bedtime), I might ask for a spanking, and then it comes outs something like "CanIhaveabedtimespanking?" You know, I try to get it out there as fast as possible so that the taste of asking leaves quickly.

A. and I have talked about implementing some sort of system where one of us will wear something that's a signal that he or she is in the mood for a spanking. And if during the spanking it's not hard enough, I tend to say something like "Please don't spank me more, Sir!" Something really smart-assed also does the trick. ;-)

Lula: Yes, I think it's reasonable for a spankee to ask for a spanking. We're new spankos, and for now, we communicate about everything. I have asked for both less and greater intensity. I have also "checked" to make sure a spanking was not over when my spanker has given me a break (during which his hands wander to other parts of my body). I would imagine that, as we gain more experience, we'll use words less and communicate in other ways. I'm seeing this start to develop already. But for now, we're definitely fine with me asking to me spanked, for a particular implement, for a harder spanking, etc.

Dove: I also think it is appropriate, and when in a new spanking relationship, entirely necessary.

Jack: At the very beginning of my spanking journey, I asked few times to be spanked longer and harder. This was because my wife was afraid that she might injure me and spanked very lightly.

Now, after five years of experience, she spanks hard and it’s never too light or to short.

However, asking to be spanked is something that we find to be a turn-on. From time to time, when she schedules a spanking, she orders me to come to her and ask to be spanked on certain day, or/and at a certain time. If I forget, I get extra punishment.

Sara: I also think it is not only appropriate, but necessary to develop good enough communication so the spanker knows what the spankee feels, thinks, needs, etc. In disciplinary spankings, I would not comment, but even with these, we sometimes talk maybe the next day, and assess how things went. I might then say what I think. It really is possible to communicate without taking control.

Paul: We were rather relaxed about rules. Mel rarely asked for a spanking in words. There were so many ways that she could show by actions what she wanted.

She always got what she needed and was mostly happy.

Jean Marie: Normally, my thought process runs in the opposite direction. I'm biting my lip or chewing my cheek while lover-boy is working my other set of cheeks fiercely. I'm usually thinking something like, "Ouch! Geez, go easy there, big fella! Youch! I'll be good! I promise..."

But every once in a great while, the endorphins kick in early, and I feel like Wonder Woman. I honestly feel as though I could take it all night long. I don't ask for more; I brat for more. I stick my ass out and say something like, "Gee, I thought you said I was gonna get spanked... If I'd known I was in for a session of patty cake, I'd have put my hair in pig-tails... Are you gonna thrash me or tickle my tush?"

I've never been disappointed. In no time I'm thinking, "Ouch! Geez, go easy there, stud! Youch, that stings! Okay, I'll be good... promise!"

Morningstar: Boy, that is a debate we have had more than a few times around here. Do I have the right to ask for a session?

Sir has always said, "Yes, I have the right to ask – respectfully.” But that does not mean I am going to receive one... The final decision, as with all things, is up to Him.

During a session, do I have the right to direct the session? No, I don't. Do I? You betcha! But only in a nonverbal manner.

If I want more intensity, I stick my ass further out. Sometimes, I have been known to actually wiggle my ass (in a cheeky fashion) at Sir.

If I want less intensity, I usually without thought move away from the hits and try to "escape."

Do either of these messages get through to Sir? Yup, every time. Does He do anything about them? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Again, it is entirely up to Him what I get or don't get.

I think the most difficult situation is when I don't want a session to end. I want it to go on forever and ever, but Sir decides for whatever reason the session is over. I have been known to pout (very un-subbie like for sure). But after six years of being with Sir, I know He stops things only because there is a very good reason!

Jammin: Yes, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a spanking. Most of my spankings are erotic/sexual. So I don’t think I'm topping from the bottom. Usually, I will let my lover know with body movements such as shaking my rear at him, being cheeky, or little sounds like giggling, moaning, sighing, etc. He knows me so well that he gives me what I need. I don’t get to pick positions or implements or how hard or soft, but I love having a warmed up rear.

Hermione: There does seem to be a fine line between a sub expressing his or her needs and topping from the bottom.

Our spankings happen on a specific day and time, and this is a very comfortable and reassuring arrangement. I can experience excitement, anticipation, apprehension, and fear without needing to wonder if or when it will happen. The downside is that no amount of hinting, dressing up, or just plain asking will make the appointed hour come any sooner, and no extra spankings happen in between. My husband knows I'd like them more often. But being a sub means accepting my Dom's decision.

The choice of implement is entirely up to my husband. I might mention some time beforehand that he hasn't used the belt (or whatever) for a while, and he'll usually take the hint. But since I was the one who assembled our collection, anything he decides to use pleases me. I love surprises and Ron enjoys my reaction when he shows me what he has in store for me.

One of the recent brunches dealt with the topic of counting, and I had planned to use this as a way of asking for more swats. Recently, during a session with our favourite implement, Ron stopped spanking my bottom and started rubbing it. That was fine, but then his fingers strayed to a more intimate area, signaling that the spanking was over. I quickly found my voice and asked for six more hard ones. I got more all right, hard and harder. And not just six, but as many as he felt were needed. That did the trick, because I have not had any reason to complain about either quality or quantity since.

I had a bit of a dilemma when I wanted to try a new spanking position. Should I say something in advance, or wait until zero hour? Would he refuse? Should we have a walkthrough? I rehearsed the scene over and over in my mind, tried it out in private, and worried for two days straight. Then, when the spanking was actually imminent, I simply 'assumed the position'. Ron took it from there, and we both enjoyed it immensely.

This seemingly simple business of spanking and being spanked comes with such a plethora of rules, rituals, signals, and secret handshakes. And they are all of our own making.

Radha: In the beginning, I used to ask for a spanking. But now, it’s not so much. I usually lay out the implements that I would like to include in the evening's spanking. If the paddle comes out, it is an indication that I want something harder. If nothing is out, then Krishna uses his hand. But, of course, he can choose whatever he wants when he wants. This seems to be working for us now. Maybe things will change when we are done testing our limits.

Jeana: Yeah, I think it is reasonable to ask, although I never ask with words. He can normally take a subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) hint. Sometimes, I ask him to spank me harder because he is still kind of paranoid about hurting me. He doesn't mind if I ask. He says he likes it since we are both new at this.

Paige: I totally like to top from the bottom! And although my hubby lets me, he chuckles and reminds me that he's supposed to be in charge of spankings! LOL!

Mthc: Not only do I think it's reasonable, but I ask for certain positions as well. Ours is a mutual fun relationship and usually ends sexually. Big Evil grins!

Prefect DT: As far as asking for a harder spanking goes, I find that nine out of ten times a woman will not spank hard enough for me the first time we play together. So I have to ask for more. But when you think about it, that is just he spanker being sensible.

Abby: At the very beginning of our romantic relationship, when we moved from being friends in love with one another to being actual lovers, we talked about what we wanted from our spanking relationship, especially as we'd both been away from it for years. My clearest memory of that conversation is of him telling me, "Sometimes I'll want you to ask for more." Sometimes I'm embarrassed to do so, but I know both asking for more and that little bit of shame that comes with asking for it are turn-ons for him. I think asking for it actually gives him more power, because it's me saying "I want you to take control of me that much more."

Him: My response is posted at Lost in Our Eyes.

Bonnie: Randy says that I am absolutely welcome to ask for spanking or more spanking whenever I please. However, he has made it equally clear that everything that happens afterward is up to him.

He figures that if I am in a state where I need to ask, a simple bottom warming won’t be sufficient. When I ask, his response is usually a fast, hard paddling. It’s usually more than I think I want, but often precisely what I need.

As I’ve described before, we also have a variety of non-verbal signals. Examples include wearing thong-style panties, bending over right in front of him, and laying out an implement. These work quite well (and occasionally too well!). We have a lot of fun with spanking and when I initiate, it doubles our opportunities for play.

Carye: I do request spankings at times. But most of the time, PS can tell when it is needed. As for how hard, PS usually knows what I need. He has taken to asking whether I want some "hard" swats at the end of a spanking. I usually do! And he always gives them to me. We've incorporated this routine as a way to build up the intensity for me, and to let him know how intense I'd like it to be.

I think this was one of our best brunches. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Please be sure to join us next week for more of the same.

Keywords: spanking, asking, spanko, My Bottom Smarts, spanko brunch