Sunday, November 04, 2007

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Nov 4

Our topic for this brunch was asking. Is it all right for the spankee to ask to be spanked or to ask for more? Or does that constitute topping from the bottom? Here's what you said.

Perverted but Friendly: We are slightly unusual spankos as we normally discuss the spanking first and I get to add my input, then I get spanked. Sometimes, I do ask for more or harder swats, but I think that my partner has the measure of what I need, so that does not happen often.

Anon VII: Addressing this issue from the spanker's perspective, if I may, I have no problem with being asked (or better, invited, ideally by wordless action and/or look) to administer a spanking. Since I'm not into either punishment or dominance, but very much into the erotic/sexual aspects that often begin playfully, I like to know as exactly as possible what she does and doesn't want.

Sometimes it's discussed, but often that, too, is wordless. She might leave an implement in plain sight (often on my desk), stretch across my lap ostensibly to get something off the table beside the couch, or emphasize the bending over to pick something up off the floor. To me, her wants are every bit as important as mine, so I'm not bothered by "topping from the bottom" so long as it's not done in a commanding or petulant fashion.

Robin: Oh, that’s absolutely reasonable. As much as I would like DH to take charge and just do it, there will always be times when I want/need a spanking and DH is not in that mind space. If I don't say anything, he's not going to know, and as irrational as it is, I will get frustrated and irritated with him for not giving me the spanking I want/need. I have to remind myself that DH is not a mind reader.

As for asking for more, I suppose it would depend on the type of spanking. Our spankings are play/erotic. Asking for more or harder or whatever, seems reasonable. I have made comments during a spanking, but how the spanking goes is ultimately up to DH. If we were doing disciplinary or punishment spankings, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment about quantity or intensity during the spanking. It would be too much like questioning his authority.

I sometimes set out my preferred implements, and DH will most likely use them. But if I don't set out what he prefers he'll get them out and use them anyway.

I may ask to be spanked. I may suggest implements, positions, intensity, quantity, etc. While DH does listen, he's in charge and may or may not do as I suggest. And I prefer it that way.

Todd and Suzy: We think it's reasonable for a spankee to make requests. But it's not always practical. Having to come right out and SAY what is wanted changes the dynamics. It doesn't feel very submissive and thus takes something away from the experience.

So, we have little playful 'rules' that lead to a spanking if they're broken. Nothing bad happens if the rule is broken. We're talking about things like having to shave or not leaving dirty clothes on the floor. By breaking one of these silly rules, the "I want a spanking" signal is sent.

Some would say this is topping from the bottom, and they're probably right. It works for us, though, so... So what! It's better than having to directly ask.

As for more swats, or harder/softer requests, Suzy has subtle ways of letting those desires be known. For example... “Have you learned your lesson…?” “What lesson, sir?” LOL Okay, maybe it's not so subtle!

Also, it has helped that we've communicated so openly about spanking through the years.

Natty: Oh, I think it's certainly appropriate to ask. Personally, though, I hate asking. Like Todd and Suzy mentioned, asking changes the dynamic, and I like to feel that it's something I don't have a choice about. Sometimes, out of desperation (usually at bedtime), I might ask for a spanking, and then it comes outs something like "CanIhaveabedtimespanking?" You know, I try to get it out there as fast as possible so that the taste of asking leaves quickly.

A. and I have talked about implementing some sort of system where one of us will wear something that's a signal that he or she is in the mood for a spanking. And if during the spanking it's not hard enough, I tend to say something like "Please don't spank me more, Sir!" Something really smart-assed also does the trick. ;-)

Lula: Yes, I think it's reasonable for a spankee to ask for a spanking. We're new spankos, and for now, we communicate about everything. I have asked for both less and greater intensity. I have also "checked" to make sure a spanking was not over when my spanker has given me a break (during which his hands wander to other parts of my body). I would imagine that, as we gain more experience, we'll use words less and communicate in other ways. I'm seeing this start to develop already. But for now, we're definitely fine with me asking to me spanked, for a particular implement, for a harder spanking, etc.

Dove: I also think it is appropriate, and when in a new spanking relationship, entirely necessary.

Jack: At the very beginning of my spanking journey, I asked few times to be spanked longer and harder. This was because my wife was afraid that she might injure me and spanked very lightly.

Now, after five years of experience, she spanks hard and it’s never too light or to short.

However, asking to be spanked is something that we find to be a turn-on. From time to time, when she schedules a spanking, she orders me to come to her and ask to be spanked on certain day, or/and at a certain time. If I forget, I get extra punishment.

Sara: I also think it is not only appropriate, but necessary to develop good enough communication so the spanker knows what the spankee feels, thinks, needs, etc. In disciplinary spankings, I would not comment, but even with these, we sometimes talk maybe the next day, and assess how things went. I might then say what I think. It really is possible to communicate without taking control.

Paul: We were rather relaxed about rules. Mel rarely asked for a spanking in words. There were so many ways that she could show by actions what she wanted.

She always got what she needed and was mostly happy.

Jean Marie: Normally, my thought process runs in the opposite direction. I'm biting my lip or chewing my cheek while lover-boy is working my other set of cheeks fiercely. I'm usually thinking something like, "Ouch! Geez, go easy there, big fella! Youch! I'll be good! I promise..."

But every once in a great while, the endorphins kick in early, and I feel like Wonder Woman. I honestly feel as though I could take it all night long. I don't ask for more; I brat for more. I stick my ass out and say something like, "Gee, I thought you said I was gonna get spanked... If I'd known I was in for a session of patty cake, I'd have put my hair in pig-tails... Are you gonna thrash me or tickle my tush?"

I've never been disappointed. In no time I'm thinking, "Ouch! Geez, go easy there, stud! Youch, that stings! Okay, I'll be good... promise!"

Morningstar: Boy, that is a debate we have had more than a few times around here. Do I have the right to ask for a session?

Sir has always said, "Yes, I have the right to ask – respectfully.” But that does not mean I am going to receive one... The final decision, as with all things, is up to Him.

During a session, do I have the right to direct the session? No, I don't. Do I? You betcha! But only in a nonverbal manner.

If I want more intensity, I stick my ass further out. Sometimes, I have been known to actually wiggle my ass (in a cheeky fashion) at Sir.

If I want less intensity, I usually without thought move away from the hits and try to "escape."

Do either of these messages get through to Sir? Yup, every time. Does He do anything about them? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Again, it is entirely up to Him what I get or don't get.

I think the most difficult situation is when I don't want a session to end. I want it to go on forever and ever, but Sir decides for whatever reason the session is over. I have been known to pout (very un-subbie like for sure). But after six years of being with Sir, I know He stops things only because there is a very good reason!

Jammin: Yes, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a spanking. Most of my spankings are erotic/sexual. So I don’t think I'm topping from the bottom. Usually, I will let my lover know with body movements such as shaking my rear at him, being cheeky, or little sounds like giggling, moaning, sighing, etc. He knows me so well that he gives me what I need. I don’t get to pick positions or implements or how hard or soft, but I love having a warmed up rear.

Hermione: There does seem to be a fine line between a sub expressing his or her needs and topping from the bottom.

Our spankings happen on a specific day and time, and this is a very comfortable and reassuring arrangement. I can experience excitement, anticipation, apprehension, and fear without needing to wonder if or when it will happen. The downside is that no amount of hinting, dressing up, or just plain asking will make the appointed hour come any sooner, and no extra spankings happen in between. My husband knows I'd like them more often. But being a sub means accepting my Dom's decision.

The choice of implement is entirely up to my husband. I might mention some time beforehand that he hasn't used the belt (or whatever) for a while, and he'll usually take the hint. But since I was the one who assembled our collection, anything he decides to use pleases me. I love surprises and Ron enjoys my reaction when he shows me what he has in store for me.

One of the recent brunches dealt with the topic of counting, and I had planned to use this as a way of asking for more swats. Recently, during a session with our favourite implement, Ron stopped spanking my bottom and started rubbing it. That was fine, but then his fingers strayed to a more intimate area, signaling that the spanking was over. I quickly found my voice and asked for six more hard ones. I got more all right, hard and harder. And not just six, but as many as he felt were needed. That did the trick, because I have not had any reason to complain about either quality or quantity since.

I had a bit of a dilemma when I wanted to try a new spanking position. Should I say something in advance, or wait until zero hour? Would he refuse? Should we have a walkthrough? I rehearsed the scene over and over in my mind, tried it out in private, and worried for two days straight. Then, when the spanking was actually imminent, I simply 'assumed the position'. Ron took it from there, and we both enjoyed it immensely.

This seemingly simple business of spanking and being spanked comes with such a plethora of rules, rituals, signals, and secret handshakes. And they are all of our own making.

Radha: In the beginning, I used to ask for a spanking. But now, it’s not so much. I usually lay out the implements that I would like to include in the evening's spanking. If the paddle comes out, it is an indication that I want something harder. If nothing is out, then Krishna uses his hand. But, of course, he can choose whatever he wants when he wants. This seems to be working for us now. Maybe things will change when we are done testing our limits.

Jeana: Yeah, I think it is reasonable to ask, although I never ask with words. He can normally take a subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) hint. Sometimes, I ask him to spank me harder because he is still kind of paranoid about hurting me. He doesn't mind if I ask. He says he likes it since we are both new at this.

Paige: I totally like to top from the bottom! And although my hubby lets me, he chuckles and reminds me that he's supposed to be in charge of spankings! LOL!

Mthc: Not only do I think it's reasonable, but I ask for certain positions as well. Ours is a mutual fun relationship and usually ends sexually. Big Evil grins!

Prefect DT: As far as asking for a harder spanking goes, I find that nine out of ten times a woman will not spank hard enough for me the first time we play together. So I have to ask for more. But when you think about it, that is just he spanker being sensible.

Abby: At the very beginning of our romantic relationship, when we moved from being friends in love with one another to being actual lovers, we talked about what we wanted from our spanking relationship, especially as we'd both been away from it for years. My clearest memory of that conversation is of him telling me, "Sometimes I'll want you to ask for more." Sometimes I'm embarrassed to do so, but I know both asking for more and that little bit of shame that comes with asking for it are turn-ons for him. I think asking for it actually gives him more power, because it's me saying "I want you to take control of me that much more."

Him: My response is posted at Lost in Our Eyes.

Bonnie: Randy says that I am absolutely welcome to ask for spanking or more spanking whenever I please. However, he has made it equally clear that everything that happens afterward is up to him.

He figures that if I am in a state where I need to ask, a simple bottom warming won’t be sufficient. When I ask, his response is usually a fast, hard paddling. It’s usually more than I think I want, but often precisely what I need.

As I’ve described before, we also have a variety of non-verbal signals. Examples include wearing thong-style panties, bending over right in front of him, and laying out an implement. These work quite well (and occasionally too well!). We have a lot of fun with spanking and when I initiate, it doubles our opportunities for play.

Carye: I do request spankings at times. But most of the time, PS can tell when it is needed. As for how hard, PS usually knows what I need. He has taken to asking whether I want some "hard" swats at the end of a spanking. I usually do! And he always gives them to me. We've incorporated this routine as a way to build up the intensity for me, and to let him know how intense I'd like it to be.

I think this was one of our best brunches. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Please be sure to join us next week for more of the same.

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Caylee said...

Great brunch, Bonnie!

I know it's been a while since I was last on here, but I still adore the blog! I've just been down in California welcoming my brother's new baby daughter to the world. Anyway, it's good to be back, and I'm going to have fun catching up on what I missed!

Greenwoman said...

I loved this question Bonny and what a great crowd you got for brunch!!!

Not Rosy Right Now :( said...

I want so badly to ask for a good, sound spanking right now, but we've had to take a sort of hiatus. Without going into detail, I can't expect another session until the first week of May. That's why I've not even been lurking here for a's so much harder to wait when I read about everyone else's fun! :(

Has anyone else been there? Is there anything that I can do to lessen my desire/distract my mind/make it through the next 6 months without asking for what I can't have?

Also, on a more personal note...I have always been a very small person, and have only really gotten a rear since college. It kind of came all the sudden, so it is riddled with stretch marks. Is there any way to get rid of, or lessen these? I'd really like to have beautiful, smooth skin to offer my husband...

Caylee said...

My apologies for posting twice, but in response to Rosy:

I know exactly what you're going through. I reached a 36G bust size by the time I was 16, and though it's lovely to have, I got horrible stretch marks around the top and sides. I was really, really self-conscious and spoke with several doctors about it. At first I used a stretch mark cream, but I ended up being allergic to it (however, it may very well work for you. I forget the name, but it was some kind of Cocoa Butter thing). One of the doctors also informed me that I could get a very light plastic surgery done that would get rid of them. However, my hubby hates the idea of me getting any kind of cosmetic changes to my body, so we ended up not doing that. I still have the stretch marks, but both James and I kind of oddly like them. It's sort of proof that this body is totally mine (and, well, his =D). Although I do sometimes still get self-conscious about them again, the hubby's response when I ask him if he hates them is always "What? Of course not! You're TEXTURED!" Still not entirely sure why that's a good thing, but hey, men are mysteries.

Best of luck in finding something that works for you!

Brooke said...

I just wanted to let you know how great I think your blog is. I'm one of those very regular readers who never posts anything, but I just had to take a second to let you know that I think this blog is by far the best and most informative one out there related to spanking that I have come across. It is very much my style. So thank you for every new post, because someone is always checking back see what's new in Bonnie's world of spanking.

Hidden Flames said...

Wow, how I have missed your brunches!
I'm back, and posting... If anyone still
Nice to see you are still here... :)

Mary said...

Hi All, Sorry I missed Sunday. As for my two cents. We have rules - and I had input into each one of them. Breaking them gets me spanked. I rarely have to ask to be spanked. If I turn into superwoman and want more - I usually say somethng like, "are you going to spank me hard with the belt?" (or something similar) Although my voice is meak with trepidation - he seems to get the hint that I am really asking for it. He doesn't have any trouble spanking hard enough. Long enough sometimes - but hard enough never. We have always talked so openly that I easily tell him when I feel I am needing a spanking. I tell him I am getting that edgy mood and he spanks me to keep me centered and grounded. It works well. He is kind of Randy though, once asked for - what I get is entierly up to him, often more than I was thinking of, but very much what I need.

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