Saturday, August 21, 2010

MBS Spanko Brunch #240


Happy weekend, everybody, and welcome to our regular brunch gathering. Our questions come from our friend, romance writer Cara Bristol. As a part of her research, Cara is looking for some first hand insight regarding spanking and domestic discipline. She asked if I could solicit answers from people who really know about consensual adult spanking. As it turns out, I know where to find such people! ;D
  1. How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?

  2. Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?

  3. Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?

  4. Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?

  5. What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?

To join the conversation, all you need to do is enter your answer in the form of a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to reply, I will post an edited summary.

11 comments :

Mick said...

1. We are in a never ending process of defining discipline and authority.
2. Yes, we each have expectations in this aspect of our relationship.
3. No. The dynamics go across the board. Although some things she is more qualified to handle, I am ultimately in charge.
4, Yes, there are specific behaviors that will always incur a spanking for her.
5. Coming from my perspective of the spanker, Usually, I'm angry at a behavior of hers. Then I calm myself so I can reevaluate what has happened. I'm apprehensive at insisting on a spanking because I know she'll be upset. During the spanking I feel relieved and aroused. Afterward, I usually feel very tender and affectionate toward her.

Bonnie said...

1. Ours is a somewhat unique relationship in that we don't practice DD in any conventional sense, yet I am submissive and I yield to his authority when he chooses to exercise it. I think our lines are well defined, but he can and does move them occasionally.

2. Yes, absolutely. My husband expects me to fulfill his desires. I expect that he will accept the gift of my freely given submission, love me, handle me in a caring way, and protect me from harm.

3. Yes, in general. We each have general areas of responsibility outside of the bedroom.

4. Yes, but not in a punitive sense. These are more unspoken signals between us. For example, if I leave out an implement or wear a thong, a spanking will inevitably result.

5. I've written entire posts on this subject. But in summary, there's apprehension and anticipation before. While I'm being spanked, my emotions range from trying to maintain control to panic when I can't maintain control, and hopefully, to peace and release when I remember that I can surrender my control when it's to someone I trust. When the spanking is over, I typically feel relaxed, revitalized, and usually, sexually aroused. I also feel very connected to my husband. My feelings are completely exposed. Lines of communication are never more open.

Cara Bristol said...

Mick and Bonnie, thank you. I appreciate your comments. I do have a couple of follow up questions. Mick, you said during the spanking you feel "relieved." Relieved about what specifically? That she consented to the spanking, that the matter is out in the open?

And Bonnie, you said that during a spanking you're trying to maintain control and panic when you can't. Conrol over what? Control over the spanking itself or your emotions to it?

Poppy said...

1. How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?
Very. I like that he is in charge and he is the kind of person that thrives on that. And also , not at all- we so much embody the roles that we don't have to define them or set out limits and parameters because it is what we are. So defined but not explicitly explained.

2. Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?
We expect him to be in charge and me not to be. Him to spank and observe and understand me but also me to have an understanding of bratting and not being mean. I take care of him too. We have normal relationship expectations as well as the more unusual ones. I do expect him to define, observe and deal with poor behaviour. He expects me to expect this.

3. Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?
As long as it soothes us both. I decide what we eat very often but I also cook more than he does. Sometimes, if I am anxious, I need him to take over more decision making because it makes me feel secure and then he will. But as for work and general life we are pretty equal.

4. Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?
Rudeness, lies, swearing, not doing as I am told, I am sure there are more. But it is not so cut and dried as that. It is more about him seeing where I am and what needs to be done. The way he manages me leads to me feeling deliriously happy and relaxed. I suppose it is an attitude thing, a poor attitude takes form and that leads to a spanking.

5. What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?
Before I can feel anything from rage to sadness to cocky disbelief to happy, silly brattiness to fear. During depends on where I have started but it is always a journey that ends with submission, I relax and accept and that is where the spanking ends, after that point. He says he can see it and feel it when I get there. Sometimes it takes two spanks, sometimes it takes ages and lots of horrible positions but he gets us both back to where we need to be.

I hope that was not too long winded- they are big questions.

Mick said...

Cara, it's more that the matter is out in the open. Before we started this, conflicts would hang over us for a long time, but a spanking helps us put issues behind us.

liz lips said...

hello
i get spanked by dan for not eating, not resting not listening to him and any other associated self destructive bahaviours i meanifest.
I love and adore the developing trust and confidence I have in our marriage
xxx
liz lips

Daisychain said...

How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?

They are below the surface, really. To all intents and purposes we are completely equal, but if we disagree on anything, we will each put our point of view then he will either concede I have a point, or he will decide I don't! At this point, no matter how much I know(!!) I am right, I will defer to him. I promised to obey, after all!

Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?
Yes. I expect and love the fact that he truly wants the best for me, he wants to help me develop and grow and be the beautiful person he knows I can be. He expects that, no matter HOW angry I may be about something, I WILL listen to him and quiet down when he asks me to.

Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?
Oh yes. We are both equals, as I said. He often defers to my ideas because we both acknowledge the talents each other has and we both know our individual strengths and weaknesses. We complement each other. Its like salt and pepper...Always found together, yet each have a uniqueness that the other cannot supply.

Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?
The absolute main thing I get spanked for is my failure to control my temper. I get progressively louder, and despite him warning me several times, I usually end up yelling at him in frustration/anger/sadness etc! At some point he will issue the final warning, "Daisy, your mouth is writing a check your ass won't want to cash..." but I am usually beyond rational thought by then!!!!

What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?
Before? Who f****** cares.... which, once the spanking has been decided, turns into "Oh, Sh**, I really blew it again...why did I DO that?
I will then 1) be sorry, the big blue eyes will try to dissuade him, I will plead, beg, persuasive charm comes into play... I will be really good, hoping he will forget or change his mind, I will have butterflies in my stomach that grow into pteranodons, and though I will try to do or promise ANYTHING to avoid the spanking, on the rare occasions it HASNT taken place, I have been left feeling cheated, bereft, disappointed, even!!! or 2) maintain a stoic, wounded/angry silence.... which continues during much of the spanking, until I reach a point where I realise he was right...he KNOWS, without a word spoken, when I have reached that point.
After...my anger melts into oblivion and I feel safe, loved, at peace, grounded, nurtured. We cuddle and I snuggle into his strength, we are often both emotionally exhausted, and we may both drift off to sleep....

At this point I should tell you I answered as though it were a punishment spanking; there are so many other sorts...maintenance, good girl, erotic, etc, and the feelings then are so different!!!!! ;)

Bonnie said...

Cara,

During the course of a spanking, I struggle to maintain control over myself, my reactions to the pain I am feeling, my racing thoughts, and my surging emotions. I want to be stoic. I want to feel as though I can take it all.

Fortunately, Randy knows that we can't realize the many benefits of a hard spanking until he pushes me well beyond this threshold. I have to let go, to relax, to accept his gift, and to fully submit. As much as I may need to reach this serene place, it's very natural to try to resist processing the pain.

When I finally capitulate within my own mind, I embrace the pain and allow it to wash over me. My body is now his to enjoy as he chooses. I feel euphoric and utterly compliant.

I cannot control the spanking itself, nor would I want to. My role is to accept everything my husband offers.

Cara Bristol said...

Daisychain, thank you for the detailed, specific response! In what ways is a maintenance spanking different from a punishment spanking? A spanking is generally painful, right? So what is it about the experience that makes punishment, maintenance and erotic spankings different from each other? And is there crossover?

BTW, anyone who wants to jump in answer this question, feel free.

elisabeth said...

1. How well defined are discipline and authority in your relationship?
Very clearly - we practice DD and my husband is the Dominant and I am the submissive. We have written rules, general behavior expectations, punishment/maintenance routines, etc.

2. Do spanker and spankee each have specific expectations within the relationship?
The main expectation is that he leads and I follow. Within that parameter, we set goals as a couple and then my husband sets up rules that will help us achieve those goals.

3. Do both parties have equal decision-making power in matters outside of discipline?
Yes. We discuss "real life" issues as we always have with some major positive changes: we are respectful of each other, we rarely raise our voices, we walk away if we get worked up, and we both know that if we come to a true impasse, my husband will consider both sides and make the best choice for US.

4. Are there specific behaviors that result in a spanking?
Failure to follow the rules, backtalk, rudeness, forgetting important tasks, etc.

5. What thoughts and feelings do you experience before, during, and after a spanking?
I'll focus on my thoughts and feelings in the cycle of a punishment spanking. Beforehand, I typically feel apprehensive. I'm not afraid because I know he would never injure me, but at the same time, I know it is going to hurt. More importantly, I'm a little ashamed that I acted the way I did in the first place. Why didn't I think before I spoke, why didn't I write that task down on my to do list? During the spanking, I am very focused on what's happening. I'm very attuned to the light in the room, the feel of my hips on his lap, the sound of each spank. Afterward, I am a little petulant about the fact that I've been spanked. Typically I have to sit by myself for a few minutes, and during this time, my anger/annoyance dissipate. After my few minutes of contemplation, we cuddle and sit together and I feel any resentment melt away. This cuddle time is like a "restart" button - whatever I did to warrant the punishment is wiped off the slate and when we rise from the bed to go about our evening, we are back to our normal happy selves and the issue is gone (though not forgotten!).

*So what is it about the experience that makes punishment, maintenance and erotic spankings different from each other? And is there crossover?
There isn't much crossover for me. Erotic spankings are the easiest to separate - they are in the heat of the moment and are just bare-handed (as opposed to using the paddle or another instrument). I have specific outfits for punishment and maintenance, so there is a physical/visual distinction from the outset. Maintenance is planned ahead, is much more gentle, and is simply meant to remind me of my tasks and my commitment to submission. I usually don't have to retreat and contemplate after a maintenance session, because I haven't done anything wrong. Punishment spankings are harsher, longer, and have a definite tension in the air between us that makes their purpose clear.

Hermione said...

1. Ours is not a DD relationship, but my husband has the final say in matters that result in a difference of opinion. I submit to his authority, and he in turn gives my opinions serious consideration.

2. My husband expects me to respect his wishes and do whatever I can to please him. In return I expect respect and understanding for my personal foibles that make me who I am.

3. We each have separate responsibilities for other matters, and take care of them independently.

4. Specific behaviours aren't a part of the reason for a spanking. We engage in it regularly at specific times, and it's an enjoyable activity for both of us. Our spankings are never for discipline of punishment. If I ask for one, I'm pretty sure I'll get one.

5. Before, I feel excited and apprehensive. When it starts, I almost always think it hurts too much, but I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to stop. I'll usually joke about the pain, and will protest if he takes me seriously and threatens to stop. The pain lessens and the enjoyment increases as the spanking progresses. It's up to my husband to call a halt to the proceedings; he's in charge. After, I feel pleasantly sore, very warm and loving towards the one who made that soreness happen, and both exhilirated and exhausted.

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