Joey Red: Thanks to what I learned in this and other blogs and from my spanking friends, I convinced my vanilla wife of more than 25 years to spank me. Before I asked her, we talked about spanking for several weeks and I showed her articles about how spanking can spice up being intimate. After a half a bottle of wine, and when we were both in a good mood, I asked her to spank me because I liked it. Her comment: Why did you wait so long to ask? So now, it has become a part of our lives.
Bobbie Jo: Since I have not been into the scene, I think I would start with just a nice bun rub. I don't have a partner right now and I haven't started looking for one yet. But if I ever get married again (DH died last year and I never told him about my kink), I would start with the massage idea.
Neo Dom Tom: My lizard doesn't care a whit about literature. With such a woman, the best approach is to just try it out. Definitely wait until the mood is right (and you are responsible for setting the right mood – candles and sincere compliments work well), then just give her a few light spanks. Always follow with lots of nice words. Then ask if that feels OK. Then slowly, ever so slowly, begin to escalate over the course of the next few weeks. And keep talking!
Hermione: If I had to convince my partner to try spanking, I would emphasize the erotic nature of it and present it as a very arousing type of foreplay. I would include the fact that it has always been a fantasy of mine, and that he would be doing me a great service by turning my fantasy into reality. Afterward, I would tell him how much I enjoyed it and that I couldn't wait for the next time.
Meow: I think that it took a real change in my attitude toward Lash to tip our spanking life from rare mild foreplay spankings to regular harder spankings. I had to become softer, more compliant and less bossy in order for him to tap into feeling more dominant and wanting to spank. It changed the whole dynamic of our marriage. It may not work for everyone, but it sure works for us!
Welcome back, Meow! It's wonderful to hear from you.
Daisy: How about, "Well, you know how you love having a BJ? Well, I love being spanked!"
Seriously, I talked very tentatively with my husband before we married about how if he wanted a sweet, kind, happy wife and didn't want to be married to a bossy, grumpy, old nag, there was something he could try. When he expressed great concern about me "taking womanhood back 100 years" and was fearful of being "an abusive partner," I pointed him in the direction of your tutorials and articles, Bonnie! He gradually came around to the idea and is now most definitely a spanko! So, thank you!
I'm delighted to help and I celebrate your success!
Kitty: I just asked Daddy whether he'd like to spank me! He did! It doesn't hurt that he's always loved my ass. LOL
Prefectdt: Although my experiences with vanilla women and spanking are very limited, they have taught me that there is no point trying to convert a vanilla woman. You may get her to play along for a while, but if she is genuinely not interested for herself, it will only lead to argument and disharmony in the long run. If I believe a woman is truly vanilla, I will not ask her to spank me.
I am a great believer in equal rights and do not want to sound sexist, but differences between men and women have to be taken into account. The first line of Daisy's answer would probably work for a woman talking to a man, but imagine what would happen if a man said the same thing to a woman.
Emily Winters: That's easy. I would offer him more sex, better sex, more of the kind of sex he wants to have, more of me wanting to have more sex. Did I mention more sex?
Lea: If you relate it to sex, I think most men would at least give it a try. However, trying to explain to a vanilla partner (I've been there) that you want real discipline is a whole other ballgame.
All you can do is explain that it is something that you really need and desire and is important to you. Letting them read information online, in wonderful blogs such as this one, can help too. Let them see that this isn't that odd after all and that many others live this lifestyle. Hopefully, they will be open to at least giving it a try. Fortunately for me, my husband was.
Kady: I read a lot of information before I approached JJ. I wanted a little knowledge so that I could refute any of his arguments. I presented the idea, my desire, and information about how it could help us emotionally. It took him awhile as this goes against everything he has been educated to believe. He was willing to try it erotically, and then bridged over to "re-setting" me when I would get out of sorts. He realized it worked, made me happy, and he's now MORE than happy to oblige these days. ;)
Jean Marie: Like Emily and Lea said in differing ways, I've had excellent luck by baring my butt and waggling it in my lover's face. I promise that if I'm spanked well, I'll be in the mood for "anything." I've suffered from neck-whiplash after being pulled OTK so fast...
The Marine's Wife: The best argument for initially trying spanking was definitely the BJ and sex reciprocates. Trying to get a real bit of discipline was difficult, and no argument in the world would have made up for him just having the time to get used to the idea.
Just a Girl: I convinced a vanilla guy to spank me - hard - without it being sexual at first. I asked in the context of discussions about a Taken In Hand/Domestic Discipline relationship to start. Then came D/s (dominance and submission) and bondage and BDSM. This transformation progressed quickly so I think, out of all of the things I talked about, spanking was probably the least foreign or frightening for him in terms of physical domination. From there, it got real sexy, real fast because we both were thrilled to discover he really enjoyed it as much as I did.
I think I'm pretty lucky to have found a vanilla guy who has really dedicated himself to being my dominant partner. I regularly have the bruises and welts to show for it. :)
Karl Friedrich Gauss: I'm in the opposite situation with a vanilla partner who I'd like to spank.
And she's gone along with it to a certain extent. But she observes, rightly, that I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing. And that gives her pause.
So, probably if I were more single-minded about it and not so much wondering whether it would really be the right thing for our relationship, she would probably be more willing to go farther.
But the fact of the matter is that I AM ambivalent, and it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise.
Nonetheless, this is good topic and one that comes up repeatedly on forums I've read. However, the situation with which I'm dealing is less often discussed. This is probably because most of the discussing is done by women, on these kind of blogs and forums, and they are quite understandably talking about their issues.
Clara: As far as I can remember, when I asked my boyfriend to spank me the reason I used was the simplest one: Because it feels really, really good!
There's also the fact that it helps a LOT with depression, but you asked for one argument, and that was the first one I used. :)
(Also, hello! Love the blog. Been reading for quite a while now, but I'm a lurker.)
Welcome Clara!
JW: I told Steve that I really needed to feel his dominance. I told him that I really liked the occasional swats that he gave me during sex and that I really wanted to try pushing it further. Fortunately for me he was game.
Bonnie: My husband is a born spanko so almost any argument is sufficient. In fact, he is quite happy to spank for no reason at all. But if I had to choose one approach that would be most effective, it would definitely involve sexual enticements.
Thanks, everyone, for joining our brunch conversation. I hope you'll stop back next week when we next gather again.
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