What one argument do you think is most likely to convince a vanilla partner to spank?
Please feel free to borrow a reason from my list or suggest your own. Once everyone has contributed their suggestions, I will post an edited summary of our conversation.
Note: Nothing in this question is to meant to imply that talking with one's partner about spanking should be undertaken without appropriate preparation. You can find some relevant suggestions here and here.
17 comments :
Thanks to what I learned in this and other blogs and my spanking friends, I convinced my vanilla wife of more than 25 years to spank me. Before I asked her, we talked about spanking for several weeks and I showed her articles about how spanking can spice up being intimate. After a half a bottle of wine, and when we were both in a good mood, I asked her to spank me because I liked it. Her comment: Why did you wait so long to ask? So now, it has become a part of our lives.
Since I have not been into the scene, I think I would start with just a nice bun rub. I don't have a partner right now and I haven't started looking for one yet. But if I ever get married again (DH died last year and I never told him about my kink) I would start with the massage idea.
My lizard doesn't care a whit about literature. With such a woman, the best approach is to just try it out. Definitely wait until the mood is right (and you are responsible for setting the right mood--candles and sincere compliments work well), then just give her a few light spanks. Always follow with lots of nice words. Then ask if that feels ok. Then slowly, ever so slowly, begin to escalate over the course of the next few weeks. And keep talking!
If I had to convince my partner to try spanking, I would emphasize the erotic nature of it and present it as a very arousing type of foreplay. I would include the fact that it has always been a fantasy of mine, and that he would be doing me a great service by turning my fantasy into reality. Afterward, I would tell him how much I enjoyed it and that I couldn't wait for the next time.
I think that it took a real change in my attitude toward Lash to tip our spanking life from rare mild foreplay spankings to regular harder spankings. I had to become softer, more compliant and less bossy in order for him to tap into feeling more dominant and wanting to spank. It changed the whole dynamic of our marriage. It may not work for everyone but it sure works for us!
Heehee, how about, "Well, you know how you love having a BJ? Well, I love being spanked!!!"
Seriously, I talked very tentatively with my husband, before we married, about how if he wanted a sweet, kind , happy wife, and didn't want to be married to a bossy, grumpy, old nag, there was something he could try.... then when he expressed great concern about me "taking womanhood back 100 years..." and was fearful of being "an abusive partner", I pointed him in the direction of your tutorials and articles, Bonnie! He gradually came around to the idea and is now most definitely a spanko! So, thank you!
xxx
I just asked Daddy if he thought he'd like to spank me! He did;)! It doesn't hurt that he's always loved my ass, lol!
Kitty
Although my experiences with vanilla women and spanking are very limited, they have taught me that there is no point trying to convert a vanilla woman. You may get her to play along for a while but if she is not a closet spanko and genuinely is not interested for herself, in the long run it will only lead to a point of argument and disharmony in the end. If I believe a woman to be truly vanilla, I will not ask her, in any way, to spank me.
I am a great believer in equal rights and do not want to sound sexist but differences between men and women have to be taken into account. Looking at the first line of Daisychain's answer, yes that would probably work for a woman talking to a man, now imagine a man saying the same thing to a woman.
Prefectdt
Erm...easy. More sex, better sex, more of the kind of sex you want to have, more of me wanting to have more sex...did i mention more sex?
Emily
Bonnie, as your previous post pointed out, if you relate it to sex I think most men would at least give it a try in that setting. However, trying to explain to a vanilla partner (I've been there) that you want real discipline is a whole other ballgame.
All you can do is explain that it is something that you really need and desire and is important to you. Letting them read up on information about it online, in wonderful blogs such as this one, can help too. Let them see that this isn't that odd after all and many others live this lifestyle. Hopefully they will be open to at least giving it a try. Fortunately for me, my husband was.
I read a lot of info out there before I approached JJ. I wanted a little knowlege under my belt so that I could refute any of his arguments. I present the idea, my desire, and documented info on how it helps us emotionally. It took him awhile, as this goes against everything he has been educated to believe. He was willing to try it erotically, and then bridged over to "re-setting" me when I would get out of sorts. He realized it worked, made me happy, and he's MORE than happy to obligue these days. ;)
Kady
Like Emily and Lea have said in differing ways, I've had excellent luck by baring my butt and waggling it in my lover's face, promising that if I'm spanked well, I'll be in the mood for "anything." I've suffered from neck-whiplash because I've been pulled OTK so fast...
Jean Marie
The best argument for initially trying spanking was definitely the BJ and sex reciprocates. Trying to get a real bit of discipline was difficult, and no argument in the world would have made up for him just having the time go get used to the idea.
I convinced a vanilla guy to spank me - hard - without it being sexual at first. I asked in the context of discussions about a Taken In Hand/Domestic Discipline relationship to start. Then came D/s (dominance and submission) and bondage and BDSM. This progressed quickly so I think, out of all of the things I talked about, spanking was probably the least foreign or frightening for him in terms of physical domination. From there it got real sexy, real fast because we both were thrilled to discover he really enjoyed it as much as I did.
I think I'm pretty lucky to have found a vanilla guy who has really dedicated himself to being my dominant partner. I regularly have the bruises and welts to show for it :)
I'm in the opposite situation with a vanilla partner who I'd like to spank.
And she's gone along with it to a certain extent. But she observes, rightly, that I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing. And that gives her pause.
So, probably if I was more single minded about it and not so wondering if it would really be the right thing for our particular relationship, she would probably be more willing to go farther.
But the fact of the matter is that I AM ambivalent, and it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise.
Nonetheless, this is good topic Bonnie, and one that has come up again and again on many forums I've read. The converse, however -- the situation I'm dealing with -- is less often discussed, probably because most of the discussing is done by women, on these kind of blogs and forums, and they are talking about their issues, quite understandably.
Karl Friedrich Gauss
As far as I can remember, when I asked my boyfriend to spank me the reason I used was the simplest one: because it feels really, really good!
There's also the fact that it helps a LOT with depression, but you asked for one argument, and that was the first one I used :)
(Also, hello! Love the blog. Been reading for quite a while now, but I'm a lurker.)
I told Steve that I really needed to feel his dominance. I told him that I really liked the occasional swats that he gave me during sex and that I really wanted to try pushing it further. Fortunately for me he was game.
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