Sunday, September 13, 2009

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Sept 13

Our topic of the week was the role of trust in spanking relationships and how it can be developed and maintained. Here are your thoughts.

Poppy: I think that couples must talk, talk and talk. Honesty and trust are habits and take constant work. Also, I know I can say anything to my boyfriend. I know I can disagree with him and tell him why I think he is wrong and I would never, ever get in trouble for it (I have to speak politely, but then he is always polite to me).

So we talk and trust each other to listen. He also always keeps him word, in every aspect of our lives. I keep my word in all the big stuff (I can be a bit confused about bed times and stuff).

LDD-4-Me: I agree with Poppy. Communication is probably the most important ingredient. Honesty, of course, is very important too. Both partners need to be able to understand that they can say anything to one another and not have to worry about things being taken the wrong way.

lurvspanking: Trust comes from a combination of time and communication. If the answer 'I trust you' comes in response for a request to be spanked, then she/he clearly believes the partner understands the parameters.

What kind of spanking?
How hard?
How long?
Punishment or discipline?
Comfort or sex after?
If sex, rough or gentle?

None of these parameters happen the first time or even the one-thousandth time. Trust is a constantly shifting and updating emotion and both partners are equally responsible for maintaining the harmony.

I wrote a short story based on such a conversation about trust and I posted it on my blog.

T: Don't be afraid to speak up. If you are opposed to something, politely explain why. You can not have trust without respect. Respect is primary. Respect will help to foster trust.

Hermione: When I present my bare bottom to my husband, I trust him to spank me without causing me extreme pain or doing any lasting physical damage. I also trust him to take me to my limits as he sees fit. Such trust has been established because he has never harmed me in any way that I haven't wanted, or caused me any distress beyond that which I crave during an encounter.

For his part, Ron needs to believe that I don't take spanking lightly or casually. I consider it to be a sexual activity, and I would no more allow another man to spank me than I would permit anyone else to engage in other intimate behaviour. I can only hope to establish and perpetuate this trust by sharing my blogging adventures with Ron and by being completely open and honest about my desires, thus showing him that he's the only spanker in my life.

Sara: I agree with everybody above, I think trust takes communication and being real and honest with each other. Something you build together over time, investing yourself into the process and each other. It requires talking and listening, on both sides of the paddle.

Sara: When you don't have a history of trust, it is incredibly difficult to relax into a spanking as you are always aware of your limits, and ensuring those limits are not breached. When trust is there, and you know you are safe, everything becomes easier. You can just enjoy the spanking more.

Whether baring my bottom and lying over someones knee or bending over for another implement, I tell someone that I trust them not to cause me lasting bodily harm, and to deal appropriately with me. I also tell them I trust them with my body and to not go beyond the limits I have set.

It'll be good when I have a HOH for myself and I can just hand over trust! Not being in a DD relationship makes this all the more complicated!

By the way, I'm a different Sara. When I embarked on this journey I did not realise that there was already a Sara on the scene! Sorry to Sara number one!

In my blogroll alone, there are two Saras and four Sarahs. All of you have a story worth telling regardless of the name. I'm glad you're here.

Handsdown: My thoughts match Poppy's almost exactly. We're rather new at this, and though I never like to think that I'm topping from the bottom, it comes to that in order to let him know how I like to be spanked. Slower, faster, harder, how about a little rub, darling, etc. Eventually, I hope most of this will be unnecessary, but it’s especially true now when he comes at me with a new toy. We are both learning each others' desires and expectations.

Now that's all true from the bottom’s perspective, but what about the spanker giving his/her trust to the spankee? He/she is trusting that this is what you really want and you're not going to use it against him/her if the relationship ends. So, other than talk, talk, talk, a little patience and time are also required. I wanted to bring out that trust is a double-sided paddle with holes – handle with care.

Daisy: Trust is established over time. It takes time to get to know someone, and you give limited trust at first. This is like laying the foundation. When that does not collapse (as in, that person stands the test of time), you gradually build more upon those foundations. That is, you get to know each other more. As long as you are both honest, open, give each other respect, and there is plenty of communication, the trust will grow and grow.

Ally: Spanking did open us up to a whole new level of vulnerability. With time, experience, and effort, our trust has grown and continues to grow as it's necessary for us to communicate openly and honestly. We have had to be purposeful in these areas as it's not always easy.

Muffin: This comes from Cali-Cutie & Mr. K and Muffin & Mr. Darling, who are enjoying a spanking-good weekend in the English countryside. We've discussed this together, and agree that COMMUNICATION is the key, before, during, and after spankings. Mutual respect is essential, all of the time, not just with spankings. Go out of your way to spoil each other as often as possible.

Throck: My wife, C, spanks me because she loves me, and really for no other reason. I am aware of that and find it difficult not to trust someone that I have been in love with for well over thirty years. In fact, I would say that I trust her more after each spanking she gives me and I feel incredibly bound to her. I would say to build trust, spank!

Tiggs: Trust HAS to be there from the beginning, full, complete, total trust, from and for both partners. But with trust must come open and honest communication, again from both partners.

I don't have the slightest idea how to build on it, because it MUST be there in that capacity from the beginning. If it isn't, it foretells an ominous conclusion for both the spanking play and the relationship.

Trust is enduring, but it is also fragile. Once broken or bent, only the people involved can determine whether it can be rebuilt in full. But without it, there is absolutely no use in even trying to play around with spanking. It becomes an exercise in futility.

On the flip side, if the trust IS there completely from the beginning, then the intimate nature of spanking play only strengthens that and the communication as well!

LU: I believe there are many aspects to retaining and building trust in a relationship. I do believe that respect is essential. If you lose respect for your partner, you will eventually lose the trust. Communication is important, but can be meaningless without complete honesty. If you have open, honest, meaningful communication, trust can grow and strengthen. Forgiveness is also very important. We all mess up sometimes. We say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or hurt our partners sometimes without even knowing it. We must be able to divulge and forgive. No holding grudges! In my experience, the grudge holding can start a chain reaction that can severely damage respect and trust between two people.

As for spanking, I do believe the trust must be there before you engage in this activity. I also believe it can strengthen the trust, love and respect you have for your partner and bring you closer together as a couple and as friends. Since RU and I share such an intimate activity, it makes it much easier for us to say things, good and bad, to each other. I believe as long as we continue to be honest, supportive, loving and forgiving, we should have no problem. I also recommend doing the little things to make your partner happy every day. Little things let them know that you really care and you know what makes them happy.

Prefectdt: I suppose that not being part of a couple, that this question does not fully apply to me, but even for multiple partner players, trust is vital. In fact, I think that the trust bond between spanker and spankee is the most vital element. I think that T summed it up very well in highlighting respect for limits, respect for confidences, and most of all, respect for each other.

Spank-A-Lot: I believe that communication is key in fostering trust and maintaining that level in a spanking relationship. Before a couple embarks on a spanking relationship, it is imperative that both parties communicate their expectations and feelings. Once in a relationship, this includes maintaining the communication, as well as respecting agreed upon limits and boundaries.

Anon: This is something with which I struggle. As someone who has had her trust abused by people before, I find it hard to give my trust to those who have earned it. I also have difficulties with knowing that there are people who trust me unconditionally as I have troubles from my past in relating to that as well.

All I can say with certainty regarding trust currently is that it is immeasurably fragile, and once broken, nearly impossible to rebuild.

Bonnie: I think trust derives from direct experience. We trust people who demonstrate themselves to be worthy. When someone comes through in a difficult situation, we become more inclined to invest our faith in them when a similar circumstance arises in the future. This trust-building is typically a gradual process that may take weeks or months of positive interactions.

I agree that trust must work both ways and it develops in the same fashion. At first, both people may be tentative and grant their trust with a limited scope and duration. Given ample time and communication (there's that word again!), the couple will hopefully grow more confident in themselves and with each other. At this stage, they are able to make the sort of commitment that reflects their underlying trust.

Maintaining trust, for me, means demonstrating your worthiness every day. This doesn't necessarily involve saving someone from a burning building. It could be as simple as taking shirts to the dry cleaners, buying flowers, or preparing a favorite meal. These small acts are reminders of the love that is shared and of the trust upon which it stands.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

1 comment :

Daisychain said...

Everyone is agreed on the communication part; there is some grey area around when the trust arrives on the scene!
I would think it unlikely for open, honest communication channels without trust; (you would not confide your innermost desires to someone you did not trust, someone who might recoil in horror, mock you or gossip about you!) but, gradually, as you open up to someone and they do not let you down, the trust becomes established, so you open up more of yourself. This has to be a gradual process or you are leaving yourself wide open and vulnerable to hurt. Something we often recklessly do the first time but from that painful lesson on, are much more careful! Our souls are fragile, its easy to break a heart, and sticky tape never mends it completely.
I agree with Tiggs, in that, from the beginning of the SPANKING relationship, the trust must be there, solid and unshakeable, but from the beginning of the actual relationship, it must be built up and stand the test of time....before the spanking subject comes up... gosh, how many of us have waited 2-30 years to broach the subject of spanking to our partners, whom we love dearly, and trust "completely", for fear of their reaction???!!!!!
You cannot fully trust someone without allowing TIME to play its part in proving that the trust is justified...once that test has been passed, channels open and you can be open and honest about secret thoughts and desires, knowing that your partner will not think you are weird/depraved/seriously in need of counselling!
What a wonderful subject, Bonnie!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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