Sunday, September 13, 2009

MBS Spanko Brunch #191

The weekend is upon us at last. That means it's time for another spanko brunch. For those just joining us, the brunch is a weekly virtual get-together where we discuss a question related to our favorite subject. Everyone is welcome to join in. There is no sign-up, no membership dues, no initiation (though that has been suggested!), and no contract. You can just stop by and contribute your thoughts. You can even be anonymous if you prefer.

So here's today's question...

Trust is essential for any successful relationship, but it takes on additional significance when spanking is involved. What can couples do to build and preserve the trust between them?

To answer our question, enter a comment below. Once everyone has had a turn, I will post an edited summary of our discussion.


Anonymous said...

I think that couples must talk, talk and talk. Honesty and trust are habits and take constant working on. Also I know I can say anything to my boyfriend, I know I can disagree with him and tell him why I think he is wrong and I would never, ever get in trouble for it. (I have to speak politely- but then he is always polite to me)
So we talk and trust each other to listen. He also always keeps him word, in every single aspect of our lives. I keep my word in all the big stuff (bed times and stuff I can be a bit confused about.)

LDD-4-Me said...

Agree with Poppy, communication is probably the most important ingredient. Honesty of course is very important too. Both partners need to be able to understand that they can say anything to one another and not have to worry about things being taken the wrong way.

Anonymous said...

When a woman says that to a man or a man to a woman or a horse to a cow, what does it really mean? Trust comes from a combination of time and communication. If the answer 'I trust you' comes in response for a request to be spanked, then she/he clearly believes the partner understands the parameters.

What kind of spanking?
How hard?
How long?
Punishment or discipline?
Comfort or sex after?
If sex, rough or gentle?

None of these parameters happen the first time or even the one-thousandth time. Trust is a constantly shifting and updating emotion and both partners are equally responsible for maintaining the harmony.

I wrote a short story based on such a conversation about trust and I posted it on my blog.



T said...

Don't be afraid to speak up. If you are opposed to something politely explain why. You can not have trust with out respect. Respect is primary. Respect will help to foster trust.

Hermione said...

When I present my bare bottom to my husband, I trust him to spank me without causing me extreme pain or doing any lasting physical damage. I also trust him to take me to my limits as he sees fit. Such trust has been established because he has never harmed me in any way that I haven't wanted, or caused me any distress beyond that which I crave during an encounter.

For his part, Ron needs to believe that I don't take spanking lightly or casually. I consider it to be a sexual activity, and I would no more allow another man to spank me than I would permit anyone else to engage in other intimate behaviour. I can only hope to establish and perpetuate this trust by sharing my blogging adventures with Ron and by being completely open and honest about my desires, thus showing him that he's the only spanker in my life.

Sara said...

I agree with everybody above, I think trust takes communication and being real and honest with each other. Something you build together over time, investing yourself into the process and each other. It requires talking and listening, on both sides of the paddle.

Sara said...

When you don't have a history of is incredibly difficult to relax into a spanking as you are always aware of your limits, and ensuring those limits are not breached.

When trust is there, and you know you are safe, everything becomes easier. You can just enjoy the spanking more.

No matter, when baring your bottom and lying over someones knee, or by bending over for another implement etc, I am telling someone that I'm trusting them not to cause me lasting bodily harm, and to deal appropriately with me. I'm also telling them I trust them with my body not to go beyond the limits I have pre-set.

Oh it'll good when I have a HOH for myself and I can just hand over trust! Not being in a DD relationship makes this all the more complicated!

By the way, I'm a different sara - when I embarked on this journey I did not realise there was already a sara on the scene!!! Sorry to Sara number one!

Handsdown said...

My thoughts match Poppy's almost exactly. We're rather new at this, and though I never like to think that I'm topping from the bottom, it comes to that in order to let him know how I like to be spanked. Slower, faster, harder, how about a little rub darling, etc. Eventually I hope most of this will be unnecessary, butt it’s especially true now when he comes at me with a new toy. We are both learning each others desires and expectations.

Now that's all true from the bottom’s perspective, but what about the spanker giving his/her trust to the spankee. He/she is trusting that this is what you really want and you're not going to use it against him/her if the relationship ends. So other than talk, talk, talk, a little patience and time are also required. I wanted to bring out that trust is a double sided paddle with holes--handle with care.

Daisychain said...

Trust is established over time; it takes time to get to know someone, and you give limited trust at first, which is like laying the foundations. When that does not collapse, (as in, that person stands the test of time) you gradually build more upon those foundations; get to know each other more, and as long as you are both honest, open, and give each other respect, and there is plenty of communication, the trust will grow and grow....
Hugs n love, Daisy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Spanking did open us up to a whole new level of vulnerability. With time, experience, and effort our trust has grown and continues to grow as it's necessary for us to communicate openly and honestly. We have had to be purposeful in these areas as it's not always easy.

Muffin said...

We're writing this comment before having read what everyone else has said . . .

This comes from Cali-Cutie & Mr.K and Muffin & Mr.Darling, who are enjoying a spanking-good weekend in the English countryside. We've discussed this together, and agree that COMMUNICATION is the key, before, during, and after spankings. Mutual respect is essential, aas oll the time, not just with spankings. Go out of your way to spoil each other as often as possible.

That's all for now--Mr.K's making a fabulous French Toast & bacon breakfast. Gotta go!

Anonymous said...

Allow him to bind you securely in a bent over pose, then you have absolutely no alternative but to trust him not to go beyond your limits.

Throck said...

My wife, C, spanks me because she loves me, and realy for no other reason. I am aware of that and find it difficult not to trust someone that I have been in love with for well over thirty years. In fact, I would say that I trust her more after each spanking she gives me and I feel incredibly bound to her. I would say to build trust...spank!

Tiggs said...

Trust HAS to be there from the beginning, full, complete, total trust, from and for both partners. But with trust must come open and honest communication, again from both partners.

I don't have the slightest idea how to build on it, because it MUST be there in that capacity from the beginning, and if it isn't, it foretells an ominous conclusion for both the spanking play and the relationship.

Trust is enduring but it is also fragile. Once broken or bent, only the people involved can determine whether it can be rebuilt in full.

But without it, there is absolutely no use in even trying to play around with spanking... it becomes an exercise in futility.

On the flip side, if the trust IS there completely from the beginning, then the intimate nature of spanking play only strengthens that and the communication as well!

LU said...

i believe there are many aspects to retaining and building trust in a relationship. I do believe respect is essential. if you loose respect for your partner, you will eventually loose the trust. Communication is important, but can be meaningless with out complete honesty. if you have open, honest, meaningful communication trust can grow and strengthen. Forgiveness is also very important. We all mess up sometimes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, hurt our partners sometimes with out even knowing it. We must be able to divulge and forgive, no holding grudges! in my experience, the grudge holding can start a chain reaction that can severely damage respect and trust between 2 people.
as for spanking, i do believe the trust must be there before you engage in this activity. i also believe it can strengthen the trust, love and respect you have for your partner and that it can bring you closer together as a couple and as friends. with Ru and i, since we share such an intimate activity, it makes it much easier for us to say things...good and each other than it would be otherwise. i do believe this to be true. as long as we continue to be honest, supportive, loving and forgiving we should have no problem. I also recommend doing the little things to make your partner happy every day. it is the little things that let them know u really care and lets them know that you know what makes them happy.


I suppose that not being part of a couple, that this question does not fully apply to me but even for multiple partner players trust is vital. In fact I think that the trust bond between spanker and spankee is the most vital element. I think that T summed it up very well in highlighting respect, respect limits, respect and keep confidences and most of all respect each other.


Spank-A-Lot said...

I personally believe that communication is key in fostering trust and maintaining that level in a spanking relationship. Before a couple were to embark on a spanking relationship, it is imperative that both parties communicate their expectations and feelings towards what they are about to embark on together. Once in a relationship, maintaining the communication, as well as respecting earlier agreed upon limits and boundaries is always a must.

Anonymous said...

This is something I struggle with, as someone who has had her trust abused by people before I find it hard to give my trust to those who have earned it. I also have difficulties with knowing there are people who trust me unconditionally as I have troubles from my past relating to that as well.

All I can say with certainty regarding trust currently is that it is immeasurable fragile, and once broken nearly impossible to rebuild.

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