Sunday, February 08, 2009

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Feb 8

Our topic of the week was restraint and spanking. Here are your experiences and insights.

Anon VII: We don't use or need them. In fact, she often lets me know that she wants some special attention in a subtle way by what she wears or with the eyes and voice. In less subtle ways, she can make a big show of bending over to pick something up or by leaving an implement (usually the long paddle) on my desk. If she chooses to tell me in a very straightforward way, she will give me a naughty-girl smile and bend over (and flipping up a skirt if she's wearing one) or draping herself over my lap.

We also have an understanding that when our mutual favorite mode of spanking, namely the paddling, is employed, I'm very fussy about positioning. We spin that process out as part of building anticipation and excitement in us both. I often remind her that breaking position even slightly (such as removing even one hand from a knee or letting go of an ankle) can result in an extra swat. That, I suppose, is a sort of restraint, except that she sometimes breaks position on purpose to get a little more than what I've told her she's getting.

As far as real restraints go, I've no hankering for them. She'd never go along with them, any more than she'd accept a punishment spanking. Ours are almost exclusively erotic with some occasional really hard stuff for tension-relief. Perhaps what it boils down to is that she finds getting into, and maintaining, position almost as much of a turn-on as getting popped. Plus, we both hate any sort of confinement against our will.

Todd and Suzy: Other than using feet and hands to restrain, no, we never have used restraints. It is something we've talked about trying though. We're certainly open to the idea. Even during a playful spanking, there is usually some holding back hands and/or legs. Blocking and kicking is a natural enough reaction to a spanking. It does hurt!

Adding some physical restraint into the mix would allow for more focus on the actual spanking... without any worry about blocking and kicking. It’s definitely something we'll try one day. We are pretty fond of the more direct contact though... thus the lack of rush to actually try something else. But it is on the list!

Rogue: We do not use restraints due to the fact I tend to freak-out when I'm restrained. The closest we come is the restraint that comes with the OTK position.

Frank Spanko: Yes, Angela and I will occasionally use restraints. Since both of us are not prone to attempt to "escape" from a spanking, because we like getting them, the restraints serve more to heighten sexual tension. Being helpless brings a sense of anticipation of what may be coming next. And, in case you are concerned, since I am an imaginary spanko, I am indeed making this up. Sort of.

Frank, your imaginary wisdom actually makes a good bit of sense.

Dragon Mage: Luvbunny and I do occasionally use both rope and some nylon restraints during a spanking, but in most cases we do not.

It does change things a bit, as she is not able to move away or put arms/legs in the way. There is, however, something to be said for the simple restraint of me holding her over my knee.

Jean Marie: I, too, am given extras if I move when being disciplined by my stickler of a lover, but we use restraints sometimes. We have velcro wrist and ankle straps, so when I'm restrained, I can't move much at all. I like them on when I'm being caned. I also like them when we're having anal sex. Although my lover is gentle, it helps me think that I'm powerless, that I didn't agree to this dirty deed, that I'm being taken...

Dante d'Amore: I use them sometimes when a really hard spanking is coming. It's for protection - MINE.

Anon #1: It depends on the intensity of the activity. For most things, I require no restraint because my partner holding my hands out of his way is enough. For other things, such as caning or figging, I need to be tied down tightly.

If I'm not, I either move ( and risk being hit somewhere unsafe) or lose part of the experience because I can writhe away from some of the pain. Part of it, too, is pleasure. My most intense orgasms are usually when I'm tied down tightly and cannot control what happens to me.

M:e: We do use sometimes use restraints in our “play,” though not in any specific or consistent circumstances. It’s purely as his mood dictates (yeah, it’s a control thing... LOL).

Most often, though, he prefers mental restraint… I guess that's because I'm a wriggler and so that's a control thing too!

Daisy: Gosh, yes! It’s wonderful... I don't have to worry about disobeying and moving. I have to just lay there, helpless to save myself (not that I could anyway!), and focus on the actual pain... and pleasure!

Also, sometimes for a punishment spanking, he fixes my wrists and ankles. This is all part of the psychological game! Occasionally, when he feels I am in the right headspace, he releases me part way through, to see if I will stay obedient and not move. The really difficult part is afterward, when he is kissing all the pain away... He has a VERY inaccurate tongue, LOL. He TOTALLY misses the sore area, if you get my drift! That’s when staying still is an incredible challenge, but one I must rise to, because if I move without permission, even a tiny wriggle, I am tied again and he spanks, kisses and licks until I nearly pass out!

Of course, the restraints are always more of a symbolic thing, because I know all I have to do is say the safeword, and it will be over.

He has used a gag too, not a bought one, just a scarf. In that situation, I have to hold a hanky in my hand, and if I let go of it, he stops (the silent safeword!)

Tied, gagged, or free, I am always completely confident that I am safe in my Davey’s care. I don't think restraints should be used unless there is utter trust between two people.

I was very embarrassed, though, when we forgot to remove them one day in the motel where we stayed for vacation. We went out and the maid couldn’t fail to have seen them! He looked at me spazzing out and laughed. He said, “I am going to try to get your ass to match that incredible shade of blush red in a minute!”

Prefectdt: I will answer this question in parts, if that's OK.

"Do you and your partner ever employ physical restraints as a part of your spankings?" – Yes, loads of times. I like to play with a woman at least couple of times, so that I know I can trust her, before I allow a "tie down." But after that, bring it on.
"What sort of restraints do you use?" – Anything from purpose made leather cuffs/ankle restraints, handcuffs, St. Andrew’s crosses and other spanking/BDSM furniture to impromptu bits of rope, trouser belts and other stuff just lying around. Clean tea towels make surprisingly comfortable and effective restraints.

"How do they change your spanking experience?" – Being a bit of a dancer and squirmer, when taking some, it lets me off the hook a little. I don’t have to concentrate on controlling my physical reactions during play. This makes it easier to get my mind in the right place. Many women that I have talked to, say that they like the psychological effect of "total control" when they have a guy tied down.

Hermione: We have restraints, but we rarely use them. I am too well-behaved to ever leave the scene of a spanking before it's over.

I do enjoy being restrained, though. Just thinking about it as I composed this response in my head made me quite eager for our next encounter. I might even suggest it.

Anon #2: Absolutely! Cuffing my lady ensures that she stays put for the duration. Tying her across a table, with pillows placed under her for comfort, really makes her look quite sexy.

She likes to be blindfolded, therefore not knowing when the spankings will come. I also like to gag her, as I like hearing her muffled cries. We do have safe signals. She holds a ball in her hand and also has a tune she hums if she needs to slow or stop.

Our Bottoms Burn: We don’t use them often, but Becall does like to be restrained. One favorite is being tied to a tree in the forest. She likes her wrists tied over a door with her legs separated by a spreader bar and that sort of thing.

If there were a pirate ship where she could be tied to the mast for flogging, she would be all over it.

In short, restraints are not to hold her in position, but purely to enhance her fantasy. More often, I tell her she cannot move until she has taken all of her paddle licks.

morningstar: Sir uses restraints from time to time. They range from chains to ropes and everything in between.

In the play room, we have a very nice St Andrew's cross to which Sir will attach my leather cuffs (ankles and wrists) with clips. Or He will clip me up to the chains in the ceiling. Or He might use ropes and bind me to the bed...

I actually prefer restraints. I am absolutely no good at "holding the position." I need/want/crave the freedom of restraints, and I do love to do the subby jig when the whips and quirts start their dance across my skin. Once the fairies come, I am thankful for the support of the restraints.

In fact, my fairies rarely come if I am "holding the position" without support. My mind and body are, I guess, too busy holding still and holding position to allow for the mind to soar...

Tiggs: We've used them plenty (don't listen to my dear old Dante, LOL) and not JUST for his protection. I'm usually quite good at maintaining a position or enduring whatever Dante has planned.

But, sometimes, it is really nice NOT to have to worry about whether I can endure it. The restraints we've used range from handmade leather, ropes, handcuffs, fuzzy handcuffs, whatever is convenient.

None of them would truly hold me if I chose to really fight for my life. But they've done exactly what we both wanted at the time. They allowed me to not worry about accepting the spanking (or whatever) and just enjoy and truly feel each and every sensation and my body's response to it.

Pammie: Yes! Of course! I absolutely love being restrained for spanking – and other activities. (snicker)

For my last spanking (which was a week ago-- gosh, has it been that long?), we did a twist on the traditional wooden kitchen chair scenario. He told me to lie across the chair and then, proceeded to tie my hands and feet to the chair with rope and spank me with the evil hairbrush. For other spankings, I have been hogtied with rope and tied to a spanking bench with rope. My new leather cuff and chain restraint set – which I designed – is awaiting its spanking debut.

For me, bondage is relaxing and calming, in a mysterious and unexplainable way. Bondage + spanking + blindfolding takes me to a different world. OK, just call me kinky.

Pammie, you’re in fine company

Roissy Fille: Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't. Spontaneous spankings mean that there is not the time to plan but...

I have a pair of beautiful leather wrist cuffs that my darling bought for me. I love to wear them and hate to take them off. We have some great times with those.

However, it's not always practical (don't you hate that word when it comes to playtime?) as we now have one of our kids moved back home after college. Such moments, for now, have to be grabbed when possible.

Anon #3: Yes please, and quite often. It heightens my pleasure, knowing that, once tied, there is no way I can remove my bottom from the firing line. I have to totally trust D not to overdo things.

Of course, we have a safe word, but I have never had to use it. Those weird positions sometimes shown on the net, are not for us. But I need to be bound so that I really can't escape. There can be no 'pretend' ties. We have some leather cuffs with little locks, so I can't get up until the key comes from D's pocket.

I also need to be reasonably comfortable. We have a padded trestle for me to bend over, ankles and wrists tied to each leg. Sometimes, I lie over a pillow on the bed, hands tied behind me, well clear of the target, ankles tied together. It’s difficult to get up from there without help. Of course, there is the table, where hands and ankles tied to each leg. D likes to spank my bottom offered, just as he requires, and these restraints do just that.

As for gags, no, they make me dribble. I like to yell and D likes to hear my yells. Also, no safe word is possible, but a blindfold is fun. I lie there helpless, not knowing what is about to land on my bottom. Then he makes me guess, what has just spanked me.

When the spanking is over, I can't have a rub until he decides to let me go, and this may be much later or after he has had his wicked way with me!

Red: I've only been restrained in a mostly symbolic way (hands tied with ribbons), as I'm pretty good at maintaining position. I do fantasize about the real thing – you know, sturdy restraints that keep me immobile and with no expectation of escape.

Em: We do incorporate restraints into our scenes and I find them to be a very multifaceted implement.

One of my first kinky purchases was a pair of leather wrist cuffs lined with sheepskin. They are still one of my very favorite toys although we hardly ever use them in play now. Some nights, if I need to relax and escape the "real world," I put them on before bed. I can't tell you how calming they can be!

What types of restraints do we use? Wrist and ankle cuffs are the most common, but we also incorporate rope and spanking furniture as well. While (as you might have guessed) I love the wrist cuffs, I am not a huge fan of ankle cuffs or rope and these are mostly used to increase the feeling of helplessness in a scene.

I find that using restraints completely changes the scene for me. I'm fairly good at staying in position unassisted, but it takes a mental restraint which, of course, alters my reactions to what is being done to me. Scenes like this are great for when I'm feeling a little out of control in the rest of my life, or when I feel a need to prove what a good girl I can be.

When I'm restrained I don't have to worry about holding still since something else is taking care of that. In these scenes, I'm free to struggle, which can be fun all on its own. I also tend to vocalize more when restrained. I find it hard to stay still when I'm making noise so I try to keep quiet in scenes where I can't move.

Of course, my favorite kind of restraint? Someone's arm over my back holding me down. Mmm.

Zille Defeu: My Master and I have used physical restraints/bondage in our playtime. He’s not so big into the rope-bondage thang, because he has other things he’d rather be doing than spending half an hour getting me into intricate bondage – namely, spanking me or strapping me or caning me or slippering me… You get the idea!

However, I quite enjoy bondage – anything from elaborate shibari to a pair of handcuffs. I love being held down firmly to something and knowing that no matter how much I squirm, I ain’t going nowhere! I know I’m not alone in saying that it makes me feel safe, despite the obvious incongruity of that!

So, whenever my Master feels like putting the leather cuffs on my wrists and ankles, and clipping me to the “spanking chair of doom,” he has a willing victim. Not that I’m not always willing, but perhaps just that wee bit even more eager!

A big future DIY kinky project for us is putting these fabulous nautical attachments onto the base of the bed. These are a metal D-ring that fold down into their attachment, so that they are out of the way when not in use, and no one has to bump their shins into them! And they just look really kinky, too, which is always important!

I really want to explore being bound down securely to the bed, unable to move, and have my Master really let his inner-sadist out to play. (Wait – what am I talking about, “inner”?!) I know it would hurt like all-get-out, and it’s not something one would desire all the time, but I’m pretty sure he’d enjoy it, and since I’m already fantasizing about it, it would just be one of those really intense things that you fantasize about beforehand, just grit your teeth and get through when it happens, and then have astounding orgasms after!

Sadly, my Master does seem to generally prefer to see me using all my self control to maintain position whilst he canes me or straps me. Phooey, I say to that! Where’s the fun for me in having to hold myself in place despite the pain?! Oh, wait, right, he’s a sadist…. ;)

(Although, when it does come down to it, the best bondage of all is his hands and his body. Much more personal, and, errrr, hands-on...!)

Anon #4: Hi. I've been a reader for over a year now, and I think it's high time I respond to a brunch, though I prefer to remain anonymous for now.

I have fairly limited experience in real life with this, though my fantasies revolve around it. I love the idea of using a leather belt, still warm from being worn as a wrist restraint. I don't think I'd enjoy rope or metal cuffs. Those are too rough and impersonal for my taste. The romance has to be there all the way through for me.

I’m glad you decided to join us. Do stop back!

Dr. Ken: Speaking just for myself, no. I’ve never used them, and probably never will. They have no appeal to me. I suppose if I had a partner who wished them, I'd try to oblige – but it doesn't add anything to the experience for me.

Michelle: My answer is sometimes. I enjoy both spanking and a bit of bondage. So, every so often, out come the velcro cuffs and I get attached to a door or a heavy piece of furniture and amongst other things, I get a warmed tush.

I like being tied down because it allows me to struggle without hurting myself or my husband. I can pull at my restraints, but I won't actually flail about into anything or him.

Anon #5: The only times we've used restraints have been when part of the "play." Even then, I can tell that my partner is very attentive to my signals and will usually release me before I even want that!

One example of when we used restraints was when we played that I was an unruly lady escorted by James Bond (yup, and my partner loved that fantasy as it gave him an excuse to use that dusty old tux!). Since I threatened to run away, I had my hands tied behind my back. After a bit of verbal abuse and wrestling, 'Bond' had enough and gave me a spanking. The thing is, being tied in that situation really turned on both of us. When we try it "out of play," it doesn't work for either of us. Funny that.

Oh, once I got stuck bent through the bars in a fence (don't ask...) and my partner seized the moment, so to speak. I suppose that was physical restraint if anything!

Thomas: While rare, I have used restraints in the past with a spanking scene, usually with a spanking bench. However, there have been a couple of times when I used the restraints by themselves, just to keep the girl still across my lap, or afterwards when I move on to other ideas. My favored restraints are some velcro "zipties" that I found at my job. Like normal velcro, there is one soft and fuzzy side, and one that's more like steel wool. By wrapping the soft side against the skin, though, you can make an effective, strong, and safe impromptu restraint.

Bonnie: For us, restraint is a spice we sometimes add to make our adventures more exciting. We’re not heavy players by any means, but we do own lined wrist and ankle cuffs, a homemade spreader bar, rope, and assorted bungees. Common (and occasionally uncommon) furniture also finds its way into Randy’s bondage designs.

A couple of years ago, Randy installed a large hook in the ceiling above the center of our bed. I’ve been struggling in vain ever since to concoct some sort of vanilla alibi.

For me, being restrained intensifies all of the feelings and emotions that accompany a spanking. I know I have nothing to fear, but there is still a kind of nervous anxiety I don’t otherwise experience. This sort of play also feeds many of my best submissive fantasies.

Safety is very important for us. We don’t like gags because they can obstruct airways. We don’t do full suspension because we lack the equipment and expertise to do it properly. We also avoid any sort of constricting bonds. We always use a safeword (green / yellow / red), especially when restraint comes into play. This may seem tame to some bondage enthusiasts, but it’s an arrangement that works well for us.

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts on restraint and spanking. As I had hoped, there was a broad range of valuable perspectives.


Anonymous said...

Aw, Bonnie, couldn't you flash back to the 70's... and hang a macrame holder with a house plant in it from your ceiling hook? :D


Vanilla excuse for hook - It's where you hang your dream catcher :-)


Anonymous said...

I was going to suggest a macrame holder too,:) having realised a wind chime might just be on the noisy side.
Theres always the dream catcher option for something lightweight to take off when you need it for other purposes.

Anonymous said...

Hanging canopy comes to mind for a vanilla excuse. Great brunch as always, Bonnie!

Bonnie said...

Everyone - Thanks for your decorating suggestions. Unfortunately, I've been over that ground. The hanging houseplant was Randy's original suggestion. The trouble is that the hook is directly above the center of our king sized bed. It's convenient for play, but no one would ever put a plant there. Even if it were absolutely secure and couldn't possibly fall, there is still the potential for clunking one's head. Then there is the whole issue of watering...

The canopy is intriguing. I doubt I could convince Randy to allow anything so blatantly feminine over our bed, but that's the best idea yet.

Hermione said...

I thought of a Chinese paper lantern. We have a decorative parrot-type bird on a hook in our bedroom (not over the bed, though) that looks just right.


Anonymous said...

I have been lurking for awhile now, and thought I'd add a suggestion for the big hook. We too have a hook above our bed. My husband installed a long nut (I'm sure there's a technical name, but I don't know what it is)in the rafters in the ceiling. When not in use the big hook unscrews from the ceiling, and we cover the hole with a smoke detector. When we want to use the hook we just remove the smoke alarm and screw the hook in :)

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