Monday, February 02, 2009

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Feb 1

Our question dealt with the carryover of dominance and/or submission beyond the realm of spanking and into other aspects of life.

Daisy: Davey and I have an equal relationship in every way. But in decisions of importance, where we disagree, even after both of us have put our point of view, what Davey says stands. For example, if he thinks I should be in bed by a set time, and I have reasons for that not to be the case, I can explain to him civilly (angrily hurts, trust me... LOL). Then he will stick to or revise his decision. But, his decision is final. I have to say, much as it pains me, his decision has always turned out to not only be in my best interests, but also the right one. He does listen to my point of view and is man enough to acknowledge if I have a valid point. He makes his final decision after much thought and care. Davey is a man of patience and quiet wisdom. I am happy to bow to his decision, even if it doesn't seem so at the time!

Texringer: My beloved and I are mutual spankers, so we're evenly matched regarding submission/dominance in spanking and in our relationship otherwise as well. I could use a little more dominance in one area in fact. I used to have a friend who spanked me for missing my gym workouts, and that was not the fun, sexy kind. LOL But my guy is not comfortable being my "punisher." Ah, well, I'm blessed to have the love of my life enjoy spanking fun, so I'm not complaining!

Tiggs: Dante and I have tried a DD-type of arrangement, as well as a D/s sort of thing. But neither worked well for us, for a multitude of reasons. That being said, we are equals, but his word is final on almost everything, though of course I am encouraged to voice my piece on everything too.

But at this point in our lives and relationship (he has been my husband for 11+ years), the dominance and submission do not really carry over at all outside the realm of spanking and sex.

He doesn't feel (and I mostly agree, though we do have our different thoughts here) that it is his job to control me or punish or reward me for things that I do that are right or wrong in our daily life.

He might have a different take on this, so it will be interesting to see how he replies!

Zille Defeu: Well, as I’m a 24/7 slave to my Master, it’s a pretty high degree!

I love doing the wifely duties: cooking and cleaning, etc. And sexual service! Submitting to him day-to-day isn’t hard (and he is not a very demanding task master, and he often asks my opinions and desires – sometimes I can even choose the TV show!).

But it’s accepting punishment from him (in the form of the dreaded paddle) is the hardest submission for me. I need it, and actively want it… except for when it comes time for the actual punishment!

I find my submissive needs even more confusing than my masochism, and I spend not a small amount of time thinking about them and trying to figure them out. So far, I’ve learned that they are highly contradictory and all tangled up together.

And that having those needs met is deeply, profoundly satisfying.

Miss Leya: There is no definite answer for us. We don't do any kind of discipline. I know the power play during a spanking does bleed over into regular life. Little things usually, like him saying “no” to buying junk food. I'm also pretty sure I'm more likely to be what some might say "bratty." But then, we've always been the tease each other just a bit kind... for lack of a better way of putting it.

BTW, there's a new look, new place, etc. for me.

Miss Leya (Ofia)

Welcome anew, Miss Leya! May your new blog be as successful as its predecessor.

Impish1: Not one little bit! We care for and do for each other, make decisions by who cares the most or who knows the most about a particular area, and generally function well and agreeably as a team. I love to tease that he's the boss. He will reply, "and don't you forget it!" one time and laugh, "yeah, right..." the next. We both know I like that in the bedroom, and so it's a fun game to tease and play with, but I don't think we'd like to live it. Sometimes I do fantasize about a bit of it for real in the realm of taking care of myself better and stress relief, taking the choice out of it... But I know it's just a fun little dream. Sigh.

Anon VII: The dominance/submissiveness of our spanking sessions is pure role-play to heighten sexual desire and fulfillment. In "real life," we're very much 50-50, with lots of compromises. On some things, such as politics and certain aspects of spirituality, we've been agreeing to disagree for years.

River: Nick is in control of me/us. I am very opinionated and more well-read than He is. So though we always discuss things as equals, and sometimes He defers to my experience or judgment, He always has the final say. I don't question Him without good reason, or sometimes, I protest slightly if I am in a bad mood. I feel safe, secure, loved, and taken care of because I know that Nick is responsible and good and has my best interests at heart.

Cathrine Grayce: I haven't yet found someone to spank me, but as a manager at a major retail company, I grow weary of being in control and yearn to give it up to the right person.

Janeen: The first few years of our marriage, we seemed to fight about everything! One day, I realized the things we were fighting about were not really that important to me.

It was then that I started letting him decide things, and our current relationship kind of developed from there. I would say that I am very much submissive to him (most of the time) in our everyday lives also, but not in a way that others would really notice.

Prefectdt: Outside of play, I am not submissive at all. That is why I describe myself as a bottom and not a sub. In vanilla life, I am very toppy and a bit pig-headed sometimes.

This is not unusual in male bottoms. The most obvious examples are TE Lawrence (of Arabia) and Emperor Augustus. When not getting their backsides roasted, one lead an army to victory and the other conquered and lead the Roman Empire.

morningstar: I almost didn't answer this Sunday Brunch question. Then, this morning, I was thinking the reverse of that.... Let me explain.

Yes, my submissiveness and Sir's dominance flows through every aspect of our life together – spanking, work, shopping, social events... a thread through everything.

Oh, that isn't to say that I don't have an opinion. It's just that Sir has the last word – as with so many of the other commenters today.

BUT what happens when there is only D/s and NO spankings. Doesn't it feel a little bit like something is broken? Off kilter? Mismatched?

Doesn't it put a wee bit of strain on the D/s side of things without the spankings? And I am not talking punishments. I am talking old fashioned spank me for fun.

Anyway, sorry Bonnie. I know that isn't where the question was supposed to go. But it seems it is where my mind is going this Sunday morning.

Some of our best discussions have been those that took off in a direction I hadn’t quite anticipated. No apologies are necessary.

Hermione: My submission extends to other areas in our relationship. Ron will sometimes act like a stern dom about household chores and I will respond with “yes sir” or “no sir,” but there's an underlying element of fun in it. Who says we don't roleplay?

In matters that require a decision, Ron casts the deciding vote. As long as I gracefully acknowledge that he's in charge, he usually asks my opinion. He may or may not agree with me immediately, but after a little time for reflection he often sees things my way. I prefer a quiet life, and agreeing without argument on small matters usually guarantees peace and harmony.

Then we each have our individual areas of expertise and responsibility, and Ron respects my authority just as much as I respect his, depending on the situation. Any time something that comes into the house marked "some assembly required," I am automatically in charge.

A: The boy and I have a completely egalitarian relationship, with no one in control. Though I can be pretty bossy, we share equal control in the relationship. Because of our particular kinks, we often tease each other in a non-sexual situation. Both being switches makes this relationship work. The boy smacking my butt in public, or growling a harsh word into my ear, or touching me under the table at dinner is pure fun.

The more I consider my spanking fetish, the more I realize it's because I need to be told I'm wrong, and get caught for it. Surrendering power sexually allows me to continue being self-assured and aggressive in real life. And I'm sure the boy wants to spank me every now and then because I can be bossy, and the release during sex keeps us healthy as a couple.

Alas, he will be away for two months, so I won't be able to enjoy any of the joys of spanking, kinky sex, or the pure ecstasy of waking up next to him.

A, may your time apart pass swiftly and serve to heighten the inevitable reunion.

Matt: My wife is in charge for domestic decisions. We share responsibility in most other areas. I am in charge for anything to do with the safety or security of the family.

Although new to spanking, this situation is pretty much how it has been during our marriage, certainly since we had kids. The only change is that now I get paddled for breaking her house rules instead of being yelled at or getting the cold shoulder.

Ronnie: Because we operate a business together, we share decisions and always have. That runs over into home life too. I would say that I defer to P’s wishes or point of view sometimes rather than argue, even if I think he’s wrong. But, in fairness to him, he will often review his initial decision and take my points on board anyway.

In matters carnal, I definitely and happily admit to enjoying taking a more submissive role, although it’s more often than not me doing the initiating. It works for us and neither of us see it as unnatural or conflicting in any way. Punishment is one sensitive area where we have been only few times. But I would welcome more in the right circumstances and would definitely be submissive. The thought of it bothers, intrigues and thrills me all at the same time.

There is a natural relationship between mates in all animals. I don’t think us humans are essentially any different.

Lucy: This is an interesting topic, and one about which I have been thinking a lot recently. In my day to day life, I tend to be a somewhat dominant, headstrong individual. Most people who come in contact with me, especially in a professional or academic context, would never even guess that I'm submissive. The only time that it ever shows in the rest of my life is when I'm around a powerful, dominant male. I tend to become a little more submissive, especially if he is in a position of power (boss, professor, etc.).

My fantasy is to have power and prestige in a professional setting, but to be submissive at home to my husband. I love power, but I have no desire to have control in a sexual or domestic situation. At some point it's nice to not have to worry about being in control and to know that someone else is making the decisions for once.

Dr. Ken: For me, the answer is, "Not a lot." It's like a favorite spice in the spice rack. I take it down and use it when I want or when it'll be beneficial to the dish I'm preparing. But I don't carry it around with me all the time and use it on everything...

K: Hubby and I are still experimenting with his dominance and my submissiveness. I think I have more submissive tendencies than Hubby is ready to embrace. So, we're taking things slow and learning how we can use the whole dynamic to enhance our relationship.

Love4her: The opposite is the problem for our relationship. I long to be the one spanked, but my wife does not possess a spanking gene or dominant gene. I am somewhat of a dominant personality. I tend to take charge of situations if there is an absence of direction. Sexually, I am also the dominant one in our relationship. I am not beyond making my desires known, however bizarre they may seem in her eyes, but she is vanilla. The more I look at the spanking thing, the more I want it.

I want it playful, sensual, erotic, and naughty. I even have a desire to be truly punished by her to the point of crying when I do things that upset her or fail to meet her needs. The dominant and submissive roles in our relationship make this unlikely. Hmm...

I have even joked about seeking a professional. As exciting as it sounds, I would never do it because I want my wife in that role. Going to another would be a total obliteration of the trust in our relationship. Now, if she knew of a spanker to send me to for my punishment, I would do that. But I am not holding my breath.

Jay: The short answer is YES.

The long answer is that I did have set rules to follow. If I broke one I was spanked. Does that count?

When I do find my Dom (and I will), I hope that there will be an equal share of discipline and erotic spankings.

They wouldn’t be for anything silly, you understand, but for things like swearing (which I'm trying to stop), drinking too much (I'm trying), losing my temper (happens too much) and the like.

Our Bottoms Burn: We have no carry-over outside of the bedroom. Heck, it is rare either of us can be submissive.

Cathrine Grayce: Working in a male-dominated corporate environment, I often wish that I could just be taken to task only ONCE for mistakes via a ruler or paddle and just get it all over with instead of having to be randomly reminded of mistakes which often aren't even mine, but for which I am responsible. That would never be allowed in a corporate environment. I am a manager with all those dominant type responsibilities. But outside of work (even during work where I can't allow it to show – I fake it really well), I am submissive. Every time my assistant makes a stupid mistake (which, unfortunately, is daily) I just want to take my yardstick and whack her on the butt until she promises to remember to do it right next time. There aren't any real consequences other than paperwork pointing out mistakes. Maybe after a good couple of whacks with a ruler she'd think twice about losing my department hundreds of dollars several times a day, which I am then responsible for. I don't even have a man at home to help me feel better by applying that yardstick in lieu of my boss. I'm just left feeling like I need something... So I guess I think about it at work and at home...

Indy: I'm much more submissive in my real life than in the scene.

OK, not really. :-) I'm just a bit more serious and a bit less fun. The extent to which I'm actually submissive is a subject of ongoing investigation. I like to switch on occasion, but I also like to give up control in a way that is deeper than for most of the people who only like to spank for fun and sex, but much less deep than for most of the people who have responded above.

Love4her: To Cathrine Grayce, shopping will be a lot more fun trying to figure out who you are... (Not that there is any chance of it LOL). I will be looking at the local retail employees a little differently now!

I'm going to Staples to buy a sturdy wooden ruler (or other office pervertable). Look out!

Another Mary: For my husband and me, it's only in the bedroom (or wherever the play takes us!). In the rest of our lives, we both have fairly demanding, high-stress jobs...

Bonnie, on another topic though: I was hoping you'd post another February spanking calendar, as you did last year. That's about when I first found your blog, and our marriage took on whole new dimensions! Any chance of the spanking-a-day calendar again this year? Thanks for your blog.

AM, that’s a good idea! Thanks.

Claire: We had some D/s play yesterday with a good bit of spanking involved. We were talking about it afterwards and discussing how it is a manifestation of my general nature which is to do (and take pleasure from doing) things for others.

In our relationship, we are generally very much equal. We do tease each other - typos=spanks, etc. But we switch (although I am more often submissive) and so the teasing goes both ways.

One of the best things about this relationship is that I feel free to sometimes demand what I want when we are having sex. It is still only occasional that I will take the lead, but in other relationships, my deference would not have allowed me to do that, even if he wasn't a "dom."

Bonnie: Randy and I are basically equal in most things. We each have our areas of interest and we naturally gravitate toward allowing the person with the insight to make the decisions.

In the bedroom, he is in charge. He spanks. I receive the spankings. We both prefer this arrangement.

With this said, I find that my submissiveness does sometimes escape from the bedroom. This is particularly true immediately following a spanking. When my bottom is glowing and my spirit is flying, I am often quite agreeable and easily persuaded to partake in all manner of creative endeavors, sexual and otherwise.

Thank you to everyone who joined us today and contributed to this fascinating discussion.

1 comment :

Cathrine Grayce said...

To Love4her - Your choice of store is NOT advised. And watch out for the rulers with the metal eyes at the ends. I think they could leave nasty marks. I have a great story about copy supplies and unusual uses to discpline annoying assistants, I just have to figure out how to get a blog started...

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