Q and A: Spanking Research

A college student contacted me recently regarding some research she is doing. In support of her efforts, I agreed to answer a series of questions about domestic discipline, spanking, and D/s lifestyles.

I thought you might enjoy reading these questions and answers.

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1. Was it a struggle to decide that the DD lifestyle was best for you?

I don’t consider the lifestyle I share with Randy to be domestic discipline, at least not based upon the commonly recognized definition. My submission ends at the bedroom door. The rest of time, our relationship operates more or less as an equal partnership. The concept of punishment is foreign to us. He is no more qualified to stand in judgment of my behavior than I am for his.

To address your question more generically, there was no definitive moment in terms of choosing our lifestyle. It is the more the product of years of gradual refinement. We do what we enjoy and our tastes have evolved considerably over time. So, no, I wouldn't call it a struggle.


2. Did you research it or look through blogs?

(Laughing) I wish! When we started, there was no Internet, let alone blogs. There were few, if any, resources available. We figured there must be other people who shared our interest, but we had no means to make contact. The meager printed material available seemed to emphasize heavy BDSM aspects that didn’t appeal to us. We had little choice but to figure out everything on our own.

When the Internet arrived, we were pleasantly surprised by the popularity of recreational spanking. I vividly recall the feelings of confirmation and acceptance when I walked into virtual communities with thousands of like minded people from all over the world. Even today, I encounter many, many people who are only now discovering that their feelings are normal and that they are far from alone.


3. Has it been difficult for you to submit to your partner?

There have certainly been occasions when I was simply not in the mood. But beyond that, submission is an important part of my sexuality and I embrace it as such. I don’t find it difficult to submit. In fact, it feels very natural most of time.


4. Does it ever make you feel too vulnerable or uncomfortable?

In the early years, I used to second guess my choices sometimes. Without any real reference point, I wondered whether we had wandered too far from “normal” (whatever that was). I was generally able to chase these doubts away by recognizing how positive our experiences were.

I love spankings and the lovemaking that follows. I always have. During a spanking, I am the special one. I hold his complete attention and he handles my body in ways I adore. The pain is there, but it’s not the purpose. It’s more a necessary byproduct. I find the experience to be exhilarating and redemptive. I am once again happy to be alive and in love with a man who understands my needs.

There have certainly been times when I felt too vulnerable, but the sensation passed without any lasting negative impact. In fact, there is a strength that comes from overcoming one’s fears. Working through labor and childbirth made me a stronger and more confident person. In the same way, I think getting beyond my inhibitions in the bedroom helped me to believe in my own capabilities.


5. I agree with you that a strong woman deciding what works best for her is ABSOLUTELY feminism, but many people don't see it that way – Did those old stereotypes force you to have second thoughts about your decision?

Yes, of course. I grew up in the 1960s. Feminism was beginning to take root, but equality of any kind was still a distant dream. Women were expected to live within prescribed roles. The smart women were our teachers, nurses, and librarians. In today’s world, these women might be CEOs, senators, and scientists. I think it’s difficult for people in our daughters' generation to realize how much progress we’ve made.

When I came of age in the 1970s, it was a time of transition. The old rules were suddenly not so relevant, but there was no new compact to replace them. Many people did as they pleased, many objected, and culture clashes inevitably ensued. This was the backdrop for my personal sexual revolution.

I considered myself a feminist (and I still do). I wanted control over my body, my mind, and my life. I believed to my core that my value was no less than any man.

And yet, the desire for spanking and submission is also an undeniable part of my being. The way I reconciled these two seemly opposing values was to define play as precisely that. It’s recreation for us. Our spankings don’t demean me or lower my status. In fact, this sort of play allows me to quench my deepest sexual thirst.


6. Are you "out" to any of your friends or family outside of the community?

No. The personal cost is still too great. We have people in our lives who would be very upset and wouldn’t understand.


7. Do you think your gender determined you taking on the submissive role or do you think it was your personality?

I like to say that I am female by birth, but submissive by choice. I vehemently reject any argument that there is any correlation between the two. There are many dominant females and submissive males. These people have preferences that are every bit as legitimate as my own.


8. Regarding the gender roles, I think it would be interesting to learn the dynamics of a gay or lesbian couple practicing DD. Do you know any gays or lesbians practicing the DD lifestyle?

Yes, I do. I know lesbian couples who practice domestic discipline and others who enjoy recreational spanking.


9. What are your feelings on Christian Domestic Discipline (i.e., the woman is disciplined because the Bible says so)?

I don’t buy it. Over the years, people have used Biblical verses to justify genocide, racism, child abuse, and all manner of other abominations. Quoting scripture is not a license to do wrong.

This is not to suggest that Christians shouldn't pursue DD or that DD enthusiasts can't be Christians. But when someone is using what they perceive to be the word of God in lieu of consent, that's a very problematic situation.


10. What is the difference between domestic discipline and domestic violence?

In my mind, there is a very clear delineation and it relates to consent. True consent can be given only by an empowered adult who is free from coercion of any kind. Anything less is criminal abuse.

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So that's what I told her. I hope my answers were helpful.