Ask Bonnie

Believe it or not, this is the first Ask Bonnie post of 2009. Hopefully, we can make up for the long absence with some good (and occasionally bad) questions and answers.

Question: Do you like spanking photographs? If so, what sort? Do you and Randy ever take photos?

Response: I’m more of a word person, but I enjoy some spanking photographs. It’s probably easier to explain what I don’t like than describe what I do. I would rather not see (1) shots that might better belong in a gynecological (or urological for that matter) textbook, (2) brutal beatings of the Eastern European fashion, (3) any content that suggests a child spankee or anyone who has not or cannot grant their full consent, or (4) pictures that are shot or cropped to display only a disembodied torso. Spankees are real people and I prefer to see us depicted as such.

Lest you think I am an old prude, there are many spanking-oriented photographs that I do appreciate. I like a picture that tells a story. I want to see faces because they express the emotions that the participants are feeling. I especially like it when I know, or at least know of, the participants. That way, I have some back story as why this couple is sharing a spanking.

Yes, Randy and I have taken some photographs over the years with mixed success. No, I have no plans to post them on the blog.

Question: my name is _____ in the US, I read your profile thought I would drop you an E Mail. I see we are instrested in the same thing, Spanking. I would like to know moore on your feelings on it. Pleaase let me here from you an lets go from here.

Response: Hi, _____. What do they call you outside the US? For “moore on my feelings,” you might start by reading some of the posts on my blog.

Question: I'm planning a real discipline type session that will result in getting my ass whipped with a car antenea. Any experience with that?

Response: Never an “antenea.” It sounds painful. Please be sure to have appropriate first aid on hand in case your skin is broken.

Question: I have a question about spanking implements and when your body changes, as in exercising. I started exercising regularly and working out with weights a few months ago. Before I started this, I could handle any spanking implement my husband used, wooden paddles, plastic paddles, etc. But now, I am finding that I can't handle those kinds of implements anymore because my bottom is more toned than it used to be. It's frustrating. I want a spanking to last, but not to the point where I am in tears either. Can you suggest any implements that we can try that aren't as "heavy" of an impact?

Response: Sure. Light implements strike with more of a flick than a thud. They tend to work mostly at the skin level, as opposed to against your newly toned muscle. Examples include a crop, a light wooden spoon, or a small cane. A light, flexible leather paddle should also work well. You can even use a wooden paddle, so long as it's thin, light, and applied in a tapping fashion.

With this strategy, you should be able to get all the sting you desire without deep bruising. It should also allow you to enjoy a longer duration spanking.

Question: so you are a smart ass?

Response: Most definitely! If you have any doubts, you can visit my blog.

Question: Is there a secret to finding someone like Randy? Are there unknown singles lists for us? I'm in the ____ area and I have no idea how to find someone.

Response: Randy and I managed to find each other while we were in college. I chalk that up to good fortune more than any deliberate plan.

You may want to investigate whether there are any spanking-oriented groups in your community. The FetLife site is another option. Some people report success with personal ads in local alternative newspapers. Others contend they never met so many spanking enthusiasts as they did after starting a spanking-oriented blog. Whatever method you choose, I encourage you to exercise appropriate caution. I wish you the very best in your quest.

Question: I've come across a Blogger problem that I thought you may know something about. Yours is the only blog (by Blogger) that I can view. Suddenly I am getting a content warning message, and even when I click on it to continue, it just brings me back to the warning page. I'm trying to figure out why it happens on other blogs and not yours. I know you’re not tech support, but do you have any suggestions?

Response: Yes. You need to enable cookies in your browser.

Question: My girlfriend and I are new at this and want some advice. As expected we are a little nervous. We do tease each other with an OTK swat or two. We really want to explore this. What would you suggest? What positions would go with what instrument?

Response: I've written some tutorials that may be helpful for you. You can find them in a drop down window in the right column of my blog.

This one, in particular, addresses some of your questions.

If you are still wondering, please write back. In any case, I wish you both lots of spanko fun!

Question: Did you get a nice spanking today/tonight. sure your husband knows just how to punish you when you have been a bad little girl!

Response: Not today, but it’s coming soon. I don’t have to be bad to get spanked. In fact, it’s a lot more fun when I’m good!

Question: I recently discovered the joy of spanking with my husband. I am very intimidated by the use of all the toys you talk about as his hand alone brings quite a sting, BUT, I know that eventually I would like to explore those options. Is there a particular item you thing is best to start with? I was thinking paddles. Would you mind telling me about the progression you and your husband took over the years? Any help you can give is much appreciated!

Response: There is no one right answer. Every couple is a little bit different. Some jump right into serious implements, but most move up gradually as they gain confidence and experience. Some couples never move past the implement that nature provided. If a hand gets you to where you want to be, there is no reason, other than curiosity perhaps, why you have to look any farther.

When Randy and I started spanking, there were a lot fewer choices for buying implements. There was no internet and sex shops tended not to carry spanking toys. We used what was around – a hairbrush, a belt, a wooden cutting board, and so forth. Some worked a lot better than others. The only real spanking implement we had for the longest time was my sorority paddle.

If you would like to try a leather paddle, I would suggest Adam and Gillian. They are a reputable firm and have a nice selection of leather toys.

I suggest that you and your husband allow your own experience to be your guide. As you experiment and learn, some implements/positions/techniques will work better for you than others. If you find something that you dislike, then cross it off of your list and explore elsewhere. There are many adventures to be lived. I hope that yours will be enjoyable and fun.

Statement: i wanna make love to you!!

Response: Guys, listen to me. This is the worst pickup line ever. You can do better.

Question: Hello! I'm contacting you today because I'm working with authors ____ on a book about feelings on the web. We found an image on your blog that we found beautiful, and we wanted to get your permission to use it in the book.

Response: Let me get this straight. You want to put a picture of my bottom in your book? Are there no stock backside shots available? It’s a weird world out there, folks.

Question: I just started spanking my girlfriend. Can you tell me any games that we can play to spice up the spanking even more? Can you also tell me some more light [bondage and discipline] things that we can do together?

Response: Here are six brunch discussions that might give you some ideas.           1           2           3           4           5           6

I also wrote a few tutorials you might like.           1           2           3

I hope that helps. If you need more, please write back. In any case, best wishes to both of you!

Question: you a spanking fan?

Response: I’ve written well over a thousand posts in a blog dedicated to spanking. I guess you could say I am a fan.

Question: Which implements don't leave marks? I bruise if you look at me weird, so our play tends to leave my tush a bit more colorful than just rosy (Nothing bad, but definitely bruises.)

Response: If you bruise that easily, it will be difficult for you to enjoy any spanking without leaving some evidence behind (as it were). However, there are some things you can try to improve your chances.

1. Get spanked regularly. No kidding. Spankees who are spanked relatively frequently tend to bruise less.


2. Avoid heavy, rigid implements or those with abrupt edges. Most wooden paddles and brushes certainly fall into this category. But also watch out for canes, rulers, and narrow belts.


3. Look for light, flexible implements that strike at the skin level (rather than the muscles beneath). You might try something like a small leather paddle with rounded edges.


4. Suggest that your spanker apply a larger number of lighter strokes. This approach will still provide the satisfaction of a good spanking without inflicting as much damage.


5. Some spanking enthusiasts like Arnica creme to reduce bruising. I'm not certain how effective it really is, but it's fun to have your lover apply it! Ice can also be beneficial if applied immediately after your spankings.

I hope this helps!

Question: Do you still have those posts with blogging tips.

Response: Yes. Some parts seem a bit dated at this point, but if this advice helps you, you’re welcome to it.          1           2           3           4

Question: Hello, how are you doing?

Response: Hi. I’m fine.

Question: Hey, how are you? let's talk sometime.

Response: I’m still fine. Aren’t we talking now?

Question: what casn a switch do to a bottom?

Response: It can make a bottom (even a hypothetical disembodied body part sort of bottom) mighty sore.

Question: Can you give me a good hard spaning today,ihave been very naughty all week long,please make long and painful cause ive forgotonen what good hard spankings feel like

Response: Apparently, you’ve forgotten several other things as well.

Question: should a strap be used on a naughty girl under 10

Response: If you have to ask that question, you should not be permitted anywhere near a child. Leave that dear little angel alone. She has a right to grow up in a healthy environment surrounded by love and support.

Question: Can I boink you?

Response: Nope.

Question: I saw a butt just like yours in santa monica last weekend. Was that u?

Response: My butt has not been to Santa Monica in years. Come to think of it, neither have any of my other parts.

Well, I think that’s about enough.

Q and A: Spanking Research

A college student contacted me recently regarding some research she is doing. In support of her efforts, I agreed to answer a series of questions about domestic discipline, spanking, and D/s lifestyles.

I thought you might enjoy reading these questions and answers.

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1. Was it a struggle to decide that the DD lifestyle was best for you?

I don’t consider the lifestyle I share with Randy to be domestic discipline, at least not based upon the commonly recognized definition. My submission ends at the bedroom door. The rest of time, our relationship operates more or less as an equal partnership. The concept of punishment is foreign to us. He is no more qualified to stand in judgment of my behavior than I am for his.

To address your question more generically, there was no definitive moment in terms of choosing our lifestyle. It is the more the product of years of gradual refinement. We do what we enjoy and our tastes have evolved considerably over time. So, no, I wouldn't call it a struggle.


2. Did you research it or look through blogs?

(Laughing) I wish! When we started, there was no Internet, let alone blogs. There were few, if any, resources available. We figured there must be other people who shared our interest, but we had no means to make contact. The meager printed material available seemed to emphasize heavy BDSM aspects that didn’t appeal to us. We had little choice but to figure out everything on our own.

When the Internet arrived, we were pleasantly surprised by the popularity of recreational spanking. I vividly recall the feelings of confirmation and acceptance when I walked into virtual communities with thousands of like minded people from all over the world. Even today, I encounter many, many people who are only now discovering that their feelings are normal and that they are far from alone.


3. Has it been difficult for you to submit to your partner?

There have certainly been occasions when I was simply not in the mood. But beyond that, submission is an important part of my sexuality and I embrace it as such. I don’t find it difficult to submit. In fact, it feels very natural most of time.


4. Does it ever make you feel too vulnerable or uncomfortable?

In the early years, I used to second guess my choices sometimes. Without any real reference point, I wondered whether we had wandered too far from “normal” (whatever that was). I was generally able to chase these doubts away by recognizing how positive our experiences were.

I love spankings and the lovemaking that follows. I always have. During a spanking, I am the special one. I hold his complete attention and he handles my body in ways I adore. The pain is there, but it’s not the purpose. It’s more a necessary byproduct. I find the experience to be exhilarating and redemptive. I am once again happy to be alive and in love with a man who understands my needs.

There have certainly been times when I felt too vulnerable, but the sensation passed without any lasting negative impact. In fact, there is a strength that comes from overcoming one’s fears. Working through labor and childbirth made me a stronger and more confident person. In the same way, I think getting beyond my inhibitions in the bedroom helped me to believe in my own capabilities.


5. I agree with you that a strong woman deciding what works best for her is ABSOLUTELY feminism, but many people don't see it that way – Did those old stereotypes force you to have second thoughts about your decision?

Yes, of course. I grew up in the 1960s. Feminism was beginning to take root, but equality of any kind was still a distant dream. Women were expected to live within prescribed roles. The smart women were our teachers, nurses, and librarians. In today’s world, these women might be CEOs, senators, and scientists. I think it’s difficult for people in our daughters' generation to realize how much progress we’ve made.

When I came of age in the 1970s, it was a time of transition. The old rules were suddenly not so relevant, but there was no new compact to replace them. Many people did as they pleased, many objected, and culture clashes inevitably ensued. This was the backdrop for my personal sexual revolution.

I considered myself a feminist (and I still do). I wanted control over my body, my mind, and my life. I believed to my core that my value was no less than any man.

And yet, the desire for spanking and submission is also an undeniable part of my being. The way I reconciled these two seemly opposing values was to define play as precisely that. It’s recreation for us. Our spankings don’t demean me or lower my status. In fact, this sort of play allows me to quench my deepest sexual thirst.


6. Are you "out" to any of your friends or family outside of the community?

No. The personal cost is still too great. We have people in our lives who would be very upset and wouldn’t understand.


7. Do you think your gender determined you taking on the submissive role or do you think it was your personality?

I like to say that I am female by birth, but submissive by choice. I vehemently reject any argument that there is any correlation between the two. There are many dominant females and submissive males. These people have preferences that are every bit as legitimate as my own.


8. Regarding the gender roles, I think it would be interesting to learn the dynamics of a gay or lesbian couple practicing DD. Do you know any gays or lesbians practicing the DD lifestyle?

Yes, I do. I know lesbian couples who practice domestic discipline and others who enjoy recreational spanking.


9. What are your feelings on Christian Domestic Discipline (i.e., the woman is disciplined because the Bible says so)?

I don’t buy it. Over the years, people have used Biblical verses to justify genocide, racism, child abuse, and all manner of other abominations. Quoting scripture is not a license to do wrong.

This is not to suggest that Christians shouldn't pursue DD or that DD enthusiasts can't be Christians. But when someone is using what they perceive to be the word of God in lieu of consent, that's a very problematic situation.


10. What is the difference between domestic discipline and domestic violence?

In my mind, there is a very clear delineation and it relates to consent. True consent can be given only by an empowered adult who is free from coercion of any kind. Anything less is criminal abuse.

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So that's what I told her. I hope my answers were helpful.