Sunday, June 24, 2007

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for June 24

I didn't know what to expect when I posted a question about abuse survivors and spanking relationships. It's a difficult subject when discussed in private with a trusted friend. Would readers be willing to share their dark secrets in this very public medium?

I'm pleased to report that our readers did come forward and contribute their experiences and the insight they've gained. I have no doubt that these wise words will provide comfort and hope for people who are struggling through similar challenges. I am humbly grateful to be able to present these very meaningful personal stories.

Erin: I had the foul experience of being in an abusive relationship and I am happy to say that it did not sour me on my personal love of being spanked. My ex-boyfriend was great at the start of the relationship, but as we spent more time together, I saw a change. He had to control every aspect of our lives. If I got out of line or bothered him, I was beaten. It started out as playful spanking, but quickly became full on abuse. He would slap me across the face or hit me in places where the bruises would not show. I left after about of year of his constant abuse. The night I left him, I walked in on him with another man. It seems that he led a separate life outside of ours and was mad at me for being a female.

I knew his thinking was totally warped, but it took a few years before I would admit my love of spanking and being spanked to anyone. About five years ago, I met the most wonderful man and he became my husband. Together, we worked through all my fears and hang ups. Today, we have a wonderful relationship full of great spanking action. You can come out of an abusive relationship and still love the act of spanking. You just need the love and trust of a great partner.

Marg: I am the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. However, I figured out that this was not my fault. I always enjoyed sexual relations with my husband for 36 years. The psychological abuse I endured as a child carried into my marriage with blame being assigned to me during a disagreement. When this happened, I felt like I was living as a child again.

I did not admit to a spanking interest until 2001. By this time, we had been married for over 31 years. I feared ridicule from my husband because I was an innocent, unwilling participant in my biological father's sexual fantasies and I thought that I had the same pathetic sexual genes.

D was fine at first with erotic spanking, but he never understood the emotional and trust aspect. I later suggested domestic discipline, but it did not work and he later became physically abusive. We were married for 34 years when I found out he had grown up in a violent household. I've always been a very strong person, but when I submitted to D, he seemed to see my submission as a sign of weakness. We've been divorced for 16 months, but keep in contact as we have family. We did have many happy years together, but the last couple were really hard. My love for him died and I could not live in fear any longer.

Now I am seeing a younger and not so vanilla man who has decided that he loves to spank me for fun. :) We are special friends and I am very happy. :) I am no longer interested in a domestic discipline relationship and I'll never again take flack for another person's passive-aggressiveness. I don't do guilt anymore.

Lori: My first marriage was not lifestyle and very abusive. I also had a very abusive dom. I have no doubt he would have taken my life were it not for the friendship, strength and guidance of the one who later became my beloved to lean on and help me to get away.

Neither experience made me want to give up being spanked or any of my other kinky likes. However, it did make me question at times why I wanted it. With the help of my beloved, I realized the difference between consensual and non-consensual and that made all the difference in the world.

Over the years, I have had a lot of triggers and flashbacks. There were times that I would have flip-outs and my Master would stop and help me through things. Luckily for me, just being reminded that he was the one with me would be all it would take to bring me back. God I miss him.

For those who have suffered abuse, it is easy to get the lines confused and even easier to keep repeating it by thinking we are with a dominant when we are really with a domineering person. Trust me, there is a big, bad difference. If you have been abused and you find the right dominant, he will understand and his dominance will help to heal those wounds. I know mine did. And in that healing, I did not learn to trust every man out there, but I got smart and he taught me skills.

My dearest Master, I thank you for all the wounds you healed and all you taught me. I love you. Lori

Mary: I had the unfortunate experience of being in a relationship that was emotionally abusive beginning about the third week of the marriage. I had threats of physical abuse from about the eighth month. It actually reached the point of physical abuse in our third year. I then finally felt not only compelled, but justified, in leaving. I now recognize I could have left at any point, but religious upbringing, belief in the sanctity of marriage, and yes, love for the person, held me back. The thought we were capable of curing whatever demons he was fighting kept me there until my life was not only figuratively but literally threatened.

In spite of this experience, I still felt drawn to a relationship that included spanking. Go figure. It seems counterintuitive, but those cravings for spankings (which I seem to have always had) did not subside. Even after being hit by a partner, I somehow did not associate spanking with hitting. They are two different things.

When I did enter a relationship where spanking is delightfully part of it, I was honest about my experiences. But his character is so different that I have never felt threatened in the slightest. For me, it is extremely rare that I even associate for a moment our discipline or play with the abuse I once received. The nature of the relationship and the sweet protective tone that is emanated, even as my bottom is being punished, just leave me feeling safe and cared for.

I went through a period where I thought if my ex had used spanking and I had submitted, perhaps things would have worked. I even suggested it, but it was never adopted. Later I realized that he was not a person who would have been strong enough to really be a dominant leader. He was abusive because of his own weaknesses.

I guess the best analogy I can offer is that the opposite of love is fear. My ex found it okay to have me fear him, and preferred that I submit because I feared his withdrawal of love and affection.

My partner, who spanks and who I love, would never be comfortable if I feared him. My bottom may fear a well-earned dose of the cane, but I never fear him. I may anxiously anticipate a spanking. I may fear that if I break a rule and do not do what is best for me, that he will use the belt or cane, but I never fear him. I am never afraid that he will truly hurt me. I never fear that my needs will be ignored. I always know that if I were to become afraid, he would stop and console and protect me.

My submission to his dominance is simple. I want to submit because his dominance eases my soul and allows me the freedom to relax in my best nature and enjoy. It isn’t about a clash of wills. It is simply about an acceptance of our nature and a pleasure in being.

I do not know if this makes any sense. The concept is so convoluted on the surface. The truth lies in that deep "gut" knowing. With my ex, even when he hadn't laid a hand on me, my heart was not safe, let alone cherished. With my love, he cares most about the safety of my heart and soul. A spanked bottom is sometimes merely an expression of caring to motivate me to do my best, so I can feel my best. Sometimes, a warm bottom is given for the sheer pleasure and delight I get from playing with him. Yet, I have every confidence that he would forgo spanking me if for one moment he thought I would be emotionally harmed by his doing so.

Listen to your heart and soul. Be with someone who values you. Spankings can be another way of communicating trust and care.

SuZQ: I have often thought about the role my early childhood abuse had on my relationships. I believe that my deeply felt need to submit is directly connected, although I have fought against those desires for most of my adult life. I preferred, instead, to form relationships with men who were "safe" – not likely to abuse or take advantage of me. In that way, I could hide behind my facade and never deal with those ghosts. I became the strong, take-charge woman in my relationships (and especially my marriage) thinking that would squelch those latent subby desires.

It worked for many years, although I always longed for a strong, dominant man in my life and grew to resent having to be the "strong" one all of the time. Finally, after more than 25 years of a "safe" marriage, I found myself single again and wanting to explore my long-repressed subby side.

It has been quite an experiment, which began only a year ago. Once we connected, Coach and I had many deep discussions about my abuse, and I came to trust him enough to submit completely. He was strong and dominant, and required that we talk through any fears or flashbacks I might experience. He created such a safe environment that I was able to submit to my deepest desires. It was wonderfully liberating after all these years.

Now that he's gone, I wonder if I'll ever feel that safe again, but the desire is definitely still there.

Jujubees: My father was physically abusive to me. I left home and got into a marriage that was also abusive on all sorts of levels, including physically. I left my marriage after 21 years and three kids. I've never felt as free as I have during the last few years after finally being away from the abuse.

I am starting to feel human again. Every day is a new adventure as I work towards discovering what I am comfortable with regarding this kink. I used to be angry and felt that I was cursed. Now, I embrace my kinky desires. I've learned a lot over the years. I have been fortunate enough to meet some men who know how to be dominant without being abusive. One of them is very dear to me and I see him at least once a month. To be honest, though, I have a lot of domme tendencies in me that are starting to come out.

Every day is a challenge to forget the past as best I can and move forward to something that I hope will be better and something I want to be part of. I still have a lot of confusion and struggles inside, but life gets better and better every day.

Weazel: I was sexually abused throughout my teens. I now attend both group and private therapy due to this issue in my life. My boyfriend spanks me every day of the week if he wants and I love every minute. I can only speak for myself, but I enjoyed the idea of spanking before the abuse started and I do not believe that the two coincide in any way. My abuser hit me, but there was never an ounce of real love. My Dom spanks me and I feel very loved and cared for.

Today I have to attend a pool party. I have a hairbrush mark on my thigh. I am sure someone will think the absolute worse. Someone may even ask what happened. To be truthful I don't know what I will say.

But if someone were to ask me about sexual abuse, I would be very helpful in finding resources for that person. I would tell them they are not alone and the this challenge can be dealt with. My point is that if you are an advocate for sexual abuse or domestic abuse, then attack the issue at hand. Go attack the abusers. But I will not allow someone to "explain" to me that I enjoy spanking because of some abusive ass hole. It just does not fit. I enjoy it way too much and this is my secret garden. It’s just like cooking a dinner. It’s so in a different compartment of my mind.

Wow. What else can I say? Thank you all.

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thevikingswife said...

My submission to his dominance is simple. I want to submit because his dominance eases my soul and allows me the freedom to relax in my best nature and enjoy. It isn’t about a clash of wills. It is simply about an acceptance of our nature and a pleasure in being.

I just wanted to say that after fifteen years in this lifestyle that this is one of the most beautiful explanations of dominance and submission I have read in awhile. Simple and true. Well put Mary. Lori

Mary said...

Wow! I am touched. Thanks Lori

Anonymous said...

Thank you Bonnie for providing the forum for this topic.

I have no personal knowledge of abusive relationships, and my heart goes out to those of you who do.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am grateful.


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