Sunday, June 24, 2007

MBS Spanko Brunch #75

Today's topic is neither easy nor fun, but I think this discussion may be valuable to some readers. The subject of abuse was raised by a correspondent and I agreed to pose these questions for one of our brunches. I have no first hand knowledge, so my role will be limited to facilitation.

I recognize that these matters are very personal and private. If people want to post anonymously, that is perfectly fine. If you are not comfortable participating at all, that's quite understandable as well. However, if you can speak about your experiences in a manner that assists other readers, you will have earned my respect and my gratitude.

If you or your partner are the survivor of abuse, how did this experience affect your later relationships? Specifically, what was the impact upon the spanking or dominance/submission aspects of your relationships?

If you would like to submit a contribution to our brunch discussion, please leave a comment below, send me an e-mail, or post a response on your own blog. Once everyone has provided their thoughts, I will publish a summary of our conversation.


Anonymous said...

I have had the foul experience of being in a abusive relationship and I am happy to say that it did not sour me on my personal love of being spanked. My ex-boyfriend was great in the start of the relationship, but the more time we spent with one another I quickly saw this change. He had o control every aspect of our life togeather and if I got out of line or bothered him I was beaten. It started out as a playful spanking but quickly went to full on abuse. He would slap me across the face or hit me in places that the bruises would not show. I left after about of year of his constant abuse, and that night that I left I walked in on him with another man. It seemed that he lead a seperate life outside of ours and was mad at me for being a female. Yeah I know his thinking is warped totally. It took me a few years before I would admit my loveof spanking and being spanked to anyone. About five years ago I ment the most wonderful man who became my husband. Togeather we worked through all my fears and hangup and today we have a wonderful relationship full of great spanking action. You can come out of an abusive relationship and still love the act of spanking, you just need the love and trust of a great partner.

Anonymous said...

I am the survivor of childhood sexual abuse however I figured out that this was not my fault. I always enjojed sexual relations with my husband for 36 years. The psychological abuse I endured as a child carried into my marriage with blame being appointed to me during a disagreement. When this happened I felt like I was living as a child again. I did not admit to a spanking interest till 2001 when we were married for over 31 years as I feared ridicule from my husband. This was because I was an innocent, unwilling participant in my biological father's sexual fantasies and I thought that I had the same pathetic sexual genes...D was fine at first with erotic spanking but he never understood the emotional and trust aspect. I later suggested D/d but it did not work and he later became physically abusive. We were married for 34 years whenI found out he had grown up in a violent household. I've always been a very strong person but when I submitted to D he seemed to see my submission as a sign of weakness. We've been divorced for 16 months but keep in contact as we have family. We did have many happy years together but the last couple were really hard. My love for him died and I could not live in fear any longer.Now I am seeing a younger not so Vanilla man who has decided that he loves to spank me for fun. :)We are special friends and I am very happy.:)I am no longer interested in a D/d relationship and I'll never take the flack for another person's passive-agressiveness again. I don't do guilt anymore.

thevikingswife said...

This is the first time in a long time I have read a question that I feel comfortable answering. That does not make me too sad and maybe will help someone. Anyway here goes.
My first marriage was not lifestyle and was very abusive. I also had a very abusive dom who I have no doubt would have taken my life had I not had the friendship, strength and guidance of the one who later became my beloved to lean on and help me to get away.
Neither one made me not want to be spanked or any of my other kink likes but it did make me question at times why I wanted it. But with the help of my beloved and realizing the difference between concensual and non concensual made all the difference in the world.
Over the years I have had a lot of triggers and flashbacks times that I would have flipouts and my Master would stop and help me thru things. Luckily for me just being reminded that he was the one with me would be all it would take to bring me back. God I miss him.
For those who have suffered abuse it is easy to get the lines confused and even easier to keep repeating it thinking we are with a dominant when we are really with a dominarring person. Trust me there is a big bad difference. If you have been abused and you find the right dominant he will understand and his dominance will help to heal those wounds. I know mine did. And in that healing I did not learn to trust every man out there but I got smart and he taught me skills. Sorry if this was a ramble. It is something near and dear to my heart.
My dearest Master I thank you for all the wounds you healed and all you taught me. I love you. Lori

Mary said...

You are right - neither fun nor easy - but it is important.
I have had the unfortunate experience of being in a relationship that was emotionally abusive from about the third week of the marriage and had threats of physical abuse from about the 8th month - and actually reach the point of physical abuse in our third year - in which I did finally feel not only compelled - but justified in leaving. (Yes, I now recognize I could have left at any point sooner - but religious upbringing and beliefs in the sanctity of marriage - and yes, love for the person - that I thought capable of curing whatever demons he was fighting kept me until my life was not only figuratively but literally threatened.
Yet, In spite of this - I felt drawn to a relationship in which spanking would be part of it - go figure. It seems counter intuitive - but those cravings for spankings (which I seem to have always had) did not subside. Even after being hit by a partner - I somehow did not associate spanking with hitting - and they are two different things.
When I did enter a relationship in which spanking is delightfully part of it - I was honest about my experiences, but his character is so different - that I have never felt threatened in the slightest. For me - It is extremely rare that I even associate for a moment the discipline or play with the abuse I once received. The nature of the relationship - and the sweet protective tone that is emanated - even as my bottom is being punished just leaves me feeling safe and cared for. I went through a period where I thought if my ex had used spanking and I had submitted that perhaps things would have worked - I even had suggested it in the relationship - it was not ever adapted - and I later realized that he was not a person that would have been strong enough to really be a dominant leader. He was abusive because of his own weaknesses.
I guess the nearest thing i could say is the opposite of love is fear. My ex found it okay to have me fear him, preferred that I submit because I feared his withdrawal love and affection.
My partner, who spanks and whom I love would never be comfortable if I feared him. (oh, my bottom may fear a well earned dose of the cane - but I never fear him.) I may anxiously anticipate a spanking - I may fear that if I break a rule and do not do what is best for me that he will use the belt or cane - but I never fear him. I never am afraid that he will truly hurt me - I never fear that my needs will be ignored - I always know that if I were to become afraid - he would stop and console and protect me. My submission to his dominance is simple – I want to because his dominance eases my soul – allows me the freedom to relax in my best nature and enjoy. It isn’t about a clash of wills – it is simply about an acceptance of our nature and a pleasure in being.
I do not know if this makes any sense - the concept is so convoluted on the surface - the truth lies in the that deep "gut" knowing. - With my ex - even when he hadn't laid a hand on me - my heart was not safe - let alone cherished. With my love - he cares most about the safety of my heart and soul - a spanked bottom is sometimes merely an expression of caring to motivate me to do my best - so I feel my best. Sometimes a warm bottom is given for the sheer pleasure and delight I get from playing with him. Yet, I have every confidence that he would forgo spanking me – if for one moment he thought I would be emotionally harmed by his doing so.
Listen to your heart and soul - be with someone who values you. Spankings can be another way of communicating trust and care.

Anonymous said...

A difficult but interesting question you pose this week. I have often thought about the role my early childhood abuse had on my relationships.

I believe that my deeply felt need to submit is directly connected, although I have fought against those desires for most of my adult life. I preferred, instead, to form relationships with men who were "safe", not likely to abuse or take advantage of me. In that way I could hide behind my facade and never deal with those ghosts. I became the strong, take-charge woman in my relationships (and especially my marriage) thinking that would squelch those latent subby desires.

It worked for many years, although I always longed for a strong, dominant man in my life and grew to resent having to be the "strong" one all the time. Finally, after more than 25 years of a "safe" marriage, I found myself single again and wanting to explore my long-repressed subby side.

It has been quite an experiment, which began only a year ago. Once we connected, Coach and I had many deep discussions about my abuse, and I came to trust him enough to submit completely. He was strong and dominant, and required that we talk through any fears or flashbacks I might experience. He created such a safe environment that I was able to submit to my deepest desires. It was wonderfully liberating after all these years.

Now that he's gone, I wonder if I'll ever feel that safe again, but the desire is definitely still there.

Interesting brunch topic, Bonnie.

Jujubees said...

My father was physically abusive to me. I left home and got into a marriage that was also abusive on all sorts of levels, including physically. I left my marriage after 21 years and three kids. I've never felt as free as I have the last few years after finally being away from the abuse. I am starting to feel human again. Every day is a new adventure as I work towards discovering what I am comfortable with regarding this kink. I used to be angry and felt I was cursed, now I embrace my kinky desires. I've learned a lot over the years. I have been fortunate enough to meet some men who know how to be dominant without being abusive, one of them is very dear to me and I see him at least once a month. Though to be honest I have a lot of Domme tendencies in me that are starting to come out. Every day is a challenge to forget the past as best as I can and move forward to something that I hope will be better and something I want to be part of. I still have a lot of confusion and struggles inside, but life gets better and better every day.

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