Sunday, March 11, 2007

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Mar 11

Our topic this week was safewords and their use during spankings. I expected a wide variety of opinions and, as you shall see, I certainly wasn’t disappointed!

Tiggr D'Amore: Dante and I have always had a safeword, although I've never once felt the need, or even the desire, to use it. However, it's a good idea for safety, for anyone, regardless of how well you know each other or how light you are playing. It’s good for times when you feel ill or a restraint is hurting or your legs fall asleep or he's spanking too hard (just kidding, mostly)... Good question!

By the way, our safeword is an easy one... SANTA! Ho, ho, ho, and away we go!

Jean Marie: I have a safeword chosen and shared with my lover. For playful sessions, I've never needed it. On two occasions during punishment sessions, I wanted to say it, but felt that I deserved what was coming to me. I kept silent (except for expletives) and took my medicine. I'm not entirely sure that my lover would have relented during the caning or slippering had I used the safeword. I felt better for not saying it, for paying the penalty in full. The make-up sex after each session was even hotter than usual. I felt thoroughly chastised and, therefore, completely forgiven. I had a lovely set of stripes and bruises as evidence of my bravery and endurance.

Kelly: I use “Pistachio” with William. He is so afraid of hurting me! I think that’s nice. I picked “pistachio” because I dislike them. Hehe!

Reesa Roberts: D and I don't have a safeword. He was spanking me long before we'd ever heard of anything like that! When I came across the term a few years ago, it sounded like a great idea to me! I mentioned it to him, and he was like, "What for? Do you think I'd stop spanking you if you said a magic word? You do the crime, you pay the price." So I said, "What if I was feeling sick or something?" And he said, "If you're feeling sick, then you'd damn well better yell that you're feeling sick and I'll stop." LOL

MTHC: We don't use safewords either, but if I ask him to stop, he will!

Shon Richards: Safewords are something I always use when I am playfully spanking someone. Too few bottoms actually use their safewords. This is sad because with new butts, I never know what they can take and how their skin will react.

A woman with whom I played recently preferred a number system where ten was "I think my bottom will never sit again, please stop," to seven, which means "Yes, yes, please don't ever stop," down to five which indicates "feel free to kick it up," and down to one which apparently was "Can I have a book while you do whatever you are doing?"

Tigger: My hubby and I don't use a safeword, mainly because we don't play that hard and he doesn't push me to my limits. Also, I'm very good about giving feedback while he's spanking me! *grin*

Mary: Since my initial spanks were strictly for punishment, I felt a safeword would not be appropriate. Perhaps in some ways, that forced us, as a couple, to go slow and communicate extensively after each session. It is a system that works for us, and I know when he stops it is because he has decided to stop. The penalty has been paid.

As for those moments when you REALLY need to stop, my playmate is very considerate and has never missed the difference between begging to stop, as any naughty girl would when her bottom is being belted, and the real grown-up plea of “Really, not now, please.” How does he know me so well? Perhaps it’s the communication all along. Perhaps there is a different tone in my voice, or a change in my body language. One time, I know that I did something unusual. Instead of fighting it and trying to get away, I turned towards him when I was asking him to stop. I think he realized I was in greater need of hugs than spanks at that moment. Lucky for me, he is quite willing to provide great hugs as well.

Paul: We had a safeword, but in more than thirty-three years of spanking it was never used.

The word was "frog-legs." We tried them on our honeymoon in Paris, and we didn't like them. I asked her one time why she never used it. Her answer was that the only time that I ever really hurt her was during punishment, and as she was only punished when she really deserved it, she felt that to use the safe-word then would negate the punishment.

Anon: I'm in a committed, long-term relationship now, so our communication is so advanced that we don't need a safeword. But years ago, I was an actress in NYC and frequented a private S&M club. I went with a gay macho friend who intimidated everyone from approaching me. But when I witnessed an expert top administering a knowledgeable lesson on his partner, I'd approach him afterward. I found that I only had to pull my panties down and ask nicely, and I'd get the most memorable disciplinings. A safeword was always necessary.

The sexiest scenario I was ever part of was with a dominatrix who, after she'd whipped the snot out of her slave, deigned to take me over her knee and pull up my school-girl skirt.

"What's the safeword?" she commanded as she rubbed my trembling bottom in preparation.

Inspiration struck me before her hand did, and I replied, "Thank you."

She instantly knew that I wanted her to take me to my limits. After every spank, I whispered, "Please..."

I got a spanking that still makes me wince, and still makes me wet, even long years later. When I couldn't take anymore, I said the safeword, and we received an ovation of applause from all of the on-lookers.

If my boyfriend wanted me to have a safeword, I'd choose "Thank you," and thereby say that I wanted it long and mercilessly hard.

Ducky: We are relatively new to the scene, but have agreed not to use a safeword or even have one! We agree that to have a safeword would give me the ultimate power and control. That is totally contradictory to my need in the one element of my life where he has the control. He is the boss! That is the attraction of this lifestyle! In every other arena of life, professionally and personally, I have a lot of responsibility and power. To give that up to my man is a huge psychological and physical relief. There is nothing better than a good hard spanking to take away the pressures of the week!

I have just been spanked and will be again after we have a champagne brunch!

I appreciate the fact that many individuals in this lifestyle require a safeword, especially if they are not in a 24/7 relationship. I am in a committed, monogamous relationship with a man who I completely trust and who makes me feel very safe and secure in all aspects of my life.

If I get a severe spanking, it is deserved (warranted). On numerous occasions, I have been told that I am the author of my own misfortunes and determine the severity of my spankings! Regarding this, we are in agreement. Our relationship is built upon the foundations of honesty, respect, and trust with my man in charge!

Teresa: I can not remember what our safeword EVEN is! I know we had one, but I have never used it. Even in the middle of a good paddling, I am too busy counting to think of what a safeword is. I had completely forgotten about the subject altogether. I guess I trust him and he knows what is best. He would never go overboard. I hope.

Dave: Cindy and I don't have a safeword, and never really discussed it that I remember.

I've always relied on bottom language more than verbal feedback. [shrugging] I've been told by many people I have an 'insight' to read people; to see what's below the surface.

Fortunately, I've never been in a position where a spankee felt I crossed the line, no matter how hard they were spanked and punished.

A safe word with Cindy at this point would almost seem detrimental, if she were to have the ability to stop a punishment spanking. I think it would give her control she truly doesn't want.

CeeCi: Yes, MoJo and I have a safeword, but I've never had to use it. He just seems to know how far to take things and how much I can tolerate.

Carye: PS and I have had a safe word since the time we tried any type of spanking or submission. It’s been about 16 years ago now! Ours is simply Uncle! It’s a word that I don't think will ever come up in our spankings. I have never needed to use it, and doubt that I ever will. When there is to be a hard spanking, though, he always asks first if I remember the safeword, just in case. :)

Texas Spanko Girl: D and I have a safeword, but I've never used it. The majority of our spankings are strictly erotic and I don't need to use one, even if it's a very hard spanking. During punishments, there is no safeword. D determines how long and hard I get spanked and I have no say in the matter. I've never felt the need to call one out during punishment anyway because I always felt that I deserved whatever I was getting. That, and I know that he would never push me farther than I could take. :-)

Bonnie: Randy and I believe in safewords. Ours is “red.” In twenty plus years, I’ve used it only a few times, but on those occasions, I was very grateful for this escape hatch. Once, I recall being suddenly overcome by what turned out to be a digestive virus. Another time, the position I was in caused my back to spasm. Just last year, the play simply became too intense.

Randy knows me very, very well. Most times, he can read my emotions during a spanking session better than I can. Once in a great while, though, wires can get crossed. Were it not for our safeword, my health and safety could be imperiled. That’s why I recommend that every couple have a safeword, even if it’s never employed. In the case of a punishment spanking, I would expect that the full measure of discipline would still be administered at a suitable later time. In any case, I feel that having, using, and respecting a safeword is an important element in protecting a vulnerable submissive.

Griz: My girl and I do use a safeword when we are doing bondage and she is helpless. However, we have never considered using the safeword for spanking alone.

While I am reluctant to say that spanking alone may never require a safeword, I cannot foresee my girl using it for that without abusing it.

I would think that for a couple who are familiar with each other, a safeword, while good to have, should not be necessary in spanking. But I can definitely see it being very useful for someone just starting out with spanking or for those who are not exclusive to only one spanko.

Raheretic: Whether I'm blistering swan for fun or discipline or playing with a newbie, I always insist upon safewords. With swan, we do not have a "designated word." She and I are experienced enough to read each other. If she is in serious crisis, she and I communicate effectively enough to interrupt the session. For those who are newer to me, I insist we have a "safeword" established. However, I am specific about the safeword's appropriate use. SAFEwords are to keep the bottom partner SAFE. If she is blacking out, her leg just went numb, she can't breathe, her back is in total spasm, she is having a heart attack, or any health crisis of threatening proportion has evolved, I am clear and specific that she is not only able to use her safeword, she is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED TO USE IT WITHOUT FAIL.

I make it clear as well that when it is used, all session activity will stop immediately. We will find out what the problem is and do whatever is necessary to resolve it. Then we will decide if we should resume. If, however, she uses the safeword because she feels her spanking "hurts too much," she is panicked, she can't stand it anymore, etc., and is perfectly fine other than undergoing the duress of being severely blistered on her bare bottom regions, I make it clear too that she will be in for extra punishment that will likely be among the most severe she will ever endure. If I spank her, it will likely hurt "too much." She will likely panic and wish at points that she could in some way, any way, make the spanking she is receiving stop. So I am clear. If she is experiencing a crisis of "safety," then she absolutely must use her safe word. (In actuality, I generally perceive issues and intervene to alleviate them prior to a bottom's needing to safe.) Safeing just because she's decided she doesn't like how severely she's being spanked will result in a far greater severity of spanking that she will truly find "distressing." If this is not acceptable to her, she is encouraged not to consent to being spanked by me. If she does consent to my spanking her, she needs to agree completely to these terms.

I think safewords are vitally important. Used in this way, they do not result in creating a topping from the bottom dynamic within a spanking session.

Erin: We don't have a safeword, but Chris has told me on numerous occasions that I can stop the spanking if I think there is an injury, need to reposition myself, or feel sick. I have only had to stop once that I can recall, and it was during an erotic spanking. He is very good at reading my body language and asking me during a spanking if I am doing alright. I usually reply with, "Yes sir, my bottom is just sore." To this, he replies with a smile, "Good."

Alex: Allie and I don't use a safeword either. The intent of a punishment is for it to be carried out to its fullest extent. We actually take small breaks during a punishment spanking, so I can talk to her and find out how she is doing. Erotic and maintenance spankings are usually softer, so it isn't required.

Pagan: Oh, the innocence of youth. When I entered into my first spanking relationship in my teens, I had no idea there was a community, much less rules and labels. We broke all kinds of scene rules... while thoroughly enjoying each other. :)

My hubby and I do not have formal safewords. They've never felt necessary, and now it would seem like a pointless addition. He can read my reactions pretty accurately, and as spanking isn't disciplinary in our house, there's no real reason for a spanking to be more intense than what I can enjoy.

If it's a bit too hard, I say so. He may back off. Or he may say “It's good for you,” and continue a bit longer. ;) If I'm desperately trying to escape and pleading, he knows that he's brushing up against “yellow.” Our unofficial version of that is “OK, OK.” LOL

If I needed him to stop, I'd say “STOP.” I might add “Seriously” if it needed to be immediate. “Stop” isn't a word I use while being spanked, so it's as effective as “red” would be.

I know many feel that there always has to be a safeword, but I respectfully disagree. What there always has to be, IMO, is COMMUNICATION. As long as you can make your partner understand that something is wrong, or that s/he is approaching your limits, that's what's important.

I personally don't believe a special word is the only way to accomplish that. Besides, I've never been one who likes being told that there's only one way to do something, and that it isn't mine. ;)

Mija: I started an answer, but it got so long it became a blog entry in its own right. It's on the Punishment Book.

The short answer is, yes, we have one. I've needed it once in 10 years, on our wedding night. But when I needed it, I really needed it. It averted disaster.

The worst part is, we had it only because P insisted. I hate it when he's right.

Fantastic! Thanks to everyone who added their wisdom and insight to the discussion. I think this sixtieth brunch was one of our best! I hope you will all join us again next Sunday for another spanko conversation.

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Anonymous said...

Great reading, Bonnie!!!


Grizzly Bear said...

A great discussion Bonnie.

MaggieDear said...

That was really informative, thanks!

Anonymous said...

This is a great topic, Bonnie. Sorry we missed it... but we did enjoy reading all the answers. We ~always~ play with a safeword, and insist on one being available to anyone we play with. At our age, things like back injuries are a fact of life. We have a good spanking friend that slipped a disk in her back during a spanking once. That's a horrific and dangerous kind of pain. There was no way she could get out an entire sentence... with a HARD spanking occurring, and her back totally out... explaining what was happening.

We respect all spanko, and understand their are different opinions out there. But for the harder players, they should really consider having a safeword... just in case something off the wall does happen.

~Todd & Suzy

Anonymous said...

Hi Bonnie

I have been sneaking around for a wile in your arcives and now wants to make a coment...

I am totaly new in this and all that... All this great information and wisdom that you and your friends share here are realy helping to figure things out.

Thankt a lot

PS I totaly agre whit every one that say you are a realy good writer!

padme amidala said...

Sorry I missed the brunch, bonnie. It was my son's birthday party yesterday and I wasn't online. We do have a safeword which is peace. I have only used it a few times and it's been due to arthritis problems in my neck and usually during bondage from what I recall. I was in a car accident a few years ago and struggle with problems in my neck.
I don't ever recall using our safeword during a spanking. I trust him to know how far to take that.
Great question!
padme amidala

Anonymous said...

Yes, we do, but hardly ever used, as I need to have my bottom hurting more than I bargained for a satisfactory spanking.I lie there, thinking I can't take any more, but refusing to use the word. On very rare occasions, D will bend me over, bind me, and then gag me with a little ball gag. This is thrilling, because I can't utter the word, and I just have to trust him not to skin my bottom. Susan.

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