Sunday, March 11, 2007

MBS Spanko Brunch #60

Welcome back, everyone! This week's brunch considers a practical question that every spanko should contemplate. A safeword, quite simply, is a pre-arranged verbal signal that a spankee can employ to indicate her inability to continue.

There are a variety of opinions about safewords. Many spankos believe they are absolutely indispensible and spanking without one is hazardous. On the opposite side, other spankos claim that invoking a safeword constitutes "topping from the bottom." From this perspective, granting control to the spankee during a discipline session interferes with the lesson being delivered. Between these two divergent views, there are many shades of grey.

Do you and your partner employ a safeword? If so, how and when is it used? If not, why not?

If you have thoughts you would like to add to our discussion, I invite you to leave a comment below, send me an e-mail message, or post a response on your own blog. Once everyone has provided their input, I will publish a summary.


Tiggr D'Amore said...

Dante and I have always had a safeword, though I've never once felt the need or even the desire to use it... but it's a good idea for safety, for anyone, regardless of how well you know each other or how light you are playing. Good for times if you feel ill or a restraint is hurting or your legs fall asleep or he's spanking too hard (just kidding, mostly)... good question!

By the way, our safeword is an easy one... SANTA! Ho, ho, ho, and away we go!

jeanmarie said...

I have a safeword chosen and shared with my lover. For playful sessions I've never needed it. On two occasions in punishment sessions I wanted to say it, but felt that I deserved what was coming to me. I kept silent (except for expletives) and took my medicine. I'm not entirely sure that my lover would've relented during the respective caning and slippering if I had used the safeword. I felt better for not saying it, for paying the penalty in full. The make-up sex after each session was even hotter than usual, I felt thoroughly chastised and, therefore, completely forgiven, and had a lovely set of stripes and bruises as evidence of my bravery and endurance.
Jean Marie

Kelly said...

I use Pistacio with William. He is so afraid of hurting me! i think its nice, I picked pistacio because i dislike them hehe.

Reesa Roberts said...

D and I don't have a safeword - he was spanking me long before we'd ever heard of anything like that! So when I came across the term a few years ago it sounded like a great idea to me! So I mentioned it to him, and he was like, "What for? Do you think I'd stop spanking you by your saying a magic word? You do the crime, you pay the price." So I said, what if I was feeling sick or something? And he said, "If you're feeling sick, then you'd damn well better yell that you're feeling sick and I'll stop." LOL


mthc said...

We don't use safewords either but if i ask him to stop he will!

Shon Richards said...

Safewords are something I always use when I am playfully spanking someone. Too few bottoms actually use their safewords which is sad because with new butts, I never know what they can take and how their skin reacts.

A woman I played with recently preferred a number system where 10 was 'I think my bottom will never sit again, please stop', to 7 which is "Yes, yes, please don't ever stop' down to 5 which is "feel free to kick it up' down to 1 which apparently was 'Can I have a book while you do whatever you are doing?'

Anonymous said...

My hubby and I don't use a safeword, mainly because we don't play that hard and he doesn't push me to my limits. Also, I'm very good about giving feedback while he's spanking me!!! *grin*


Mary said...

Since my initial spanks were strickly for punishment, I felt a safe word would not be appropriate. Perhaps in some ways that forced us, as a couple, to go slow and communicate extensively after each session. It is a system that worked for us, and I know when he stops it is because he has decided to stop- penalty paid. As for those moment when you REALLY need to stop, my playmate is very considerate and has never missed the difference between begging to stop as any naughty girl would when her bottom is being belted and the real grown up plea of really - not now please. How he knows me so well? Perhaps communication all along, perhaps there is a different tone in my voice, or a change in my body language. One time I know that I did something unusual - instead of fighting it and trying to get away - I turned towards him when I was asking him to stop. I think he realized I was in greater need of hugs than I was of spanks at that moment. Lucky for me is quite willing to provide great hugs as well.

Paul said...

We had a safe-word,in more than thirty-three years of spanking it was never used.
The word was "frog-legs", we tried them on our honeymoon in Paris, we didn't like them.
One time I asked her why she never used it, her answer was the only time that I ever really hurt her was during punishment, and as she was only punished when she really deserved it, she felt that to use the safe-word then would negate the punishment.
Warm hugs,

Anonymous said...

I'm in a committed, long-term relationship now, so our communication is so advanced we don't need a safeword, but years ago I was an actress in NYC and frequented a private S&M club. I went with a gay macho friend who intimidated everyone from approaching me, but when I witnessed an expert top administering a knowledgeable lesson on his partner, I'd approach him afterward. I found that I only had to pull my panties down and ask nicely, and I'd get the most memorable disciplinings. A safeword was always necessary.
The sexiest scenario I was ever part of was with a dominatrix who, after she'd whipped the snot out of her slave, deigned to take me over her knee and pull up my school-girl skirt.
"What's the safeword?" she commanded as she rubbed my trembling bottom in preparation.
Inspiration struck me before her hand did, and I replied, "Thank you."
She instantly knew that I wanted her to take me to my limits. After every spank, I whispered, "Please..."
I got a spanking that still makes me wince, still makes me wet, even long years later. When I couldn't take anymore, I said the safeword, and we received an ovation of applause from all the on-lookers.

If my boyfriend wanted me to have a safeword, I'd choose "Thank you," and thereby say that I wanted it long and mercilessly hard.

CindysDave said...

Cindy and I don't have a safeword, and never really discussed it that I remember.

I've always relied on bottom language more than verbal feedback. [shrugging] I've been told by many people I have an 'insight' to read people; what's below the surface.

Fortunately I've never been in a position where a spankee felt I crossed the line, no matter how hard they were spanked and punished.

A safe word with Cindy at this point would almost seem detrimental, if she were to have the ability to stop a punishment spanking. I think it would give her control she truly doesn't want.


CeeCi said...

Yes, MoJo and I have a safeword, but I've never had to use it. He just seems to know how far to take things and how much I can tolerate.

One more thing (feel free to delete this)...I know we've been having a pretty wild time at Grace's it me or is that picture really out of focus? They're pancakes, right? I kept squinting!


Caryagal said...

PS and I have had a safe word since the time we tried any type of spanking or submission of any type. About 16 years ago now! Ours is simply Uncle! Something that I don't think will ever come up in our spankings. I have never needed to use it, and doubt that I ever will. When there is to be a hard spanking though he always asks first if I remember the safe word, just in case :)


TX Spankogirl said...

D and I have a safeword, but I've never used it. The majority of our spankings are strictly erotic and I don't need to use one, even if it's a very hard spanking. During punishments there is no safeword. D determines how long and hard I get spanked and I have no say in the matter. I've never felt the need to call one out during punishment anyway because I always felt that I deserved whatever I was getting. That and I know that he would never push me farther than I could take. :-)

~TX Spankogirl~

Bonnie said...

Randy and I believe in safewords. Ours is “red.” In twenty plus years, I’ve used it only a few times, but on those occasions, I was very grateful for this escape hatch. Once, I recall being suddenly overcome by what turned out to be a digestive virus. Another time, the position I was in caused my back to spasm. Just last year, the play simply became too intense.

Randy knows me very, very well. Most times, he can read my emotions during a spanking session better than I can. Once in a great while, though, wired can get crossed. Were it not for our safeword, my health and safety could be imperiled. That’s why I recommend that every couple have a safeword, even if it’s never employed. In the case of a punishment spanking, I would expect that the full measure of discipline would still be administered at a suitable later time. In any case, I feel that having, using, and respecting a safeword is an important element in protecting a vulnerable submissive.

Grizzly Bear said...

My girl and I do use a safeword when we are doing bondage and she is helpless, however we have never considered using the safeword for spanking alone.

While I am reluctant to say that spanking alone may never require a safeword, I cannot foresee my girl using it for that without abusing it.

I would think that for a couple who are familiar with each other, a safeword, while good to have, should not be necissary in spanking, but I can definately see it being very useful for someone just starting out with spanking or for those who are not exclusive to only one spanko.

Raheretic said...

Whether I'm blistering swan for fun or discipline or playing with a newbie, I always insist safewords. With swan we do not have a "designated word." She and I are expereinced enough to read each other. If she is in serious crisis she and I communicate effectively enough to interupt the session. For those who are newer to me I insist we have a "safeword" established. However I am specific about the safeword's appropriate use. SAFEwords are to keep the bottom partner SAFE. If she is blacking out, her leg just went numb, she can't breathe, her back is in total spasm, she is having a heart attack, or any health crisis of threatening proportion has evolved, I am clear and specific that she is not only able to use her safeword, she is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED TO USE IT WITHOUT FAIL. I make it clear as well that when it is used all sesion activity will stop immediately. We will find out what the problem is and do whatever is necessary to resolve it. Then we will decide if we should resume. If however she uses the safeword because she feels her spanking "hurts too much", she is panicked, she can't stand it anymore, etc. and is perfectly fine other than undergoing the durress of being severely blistered on her bare bottom regions, I make it clear too that she will be in for extra punishment that will likely be among the most severe she will ever endure. If I spank her it will likely hurt "too much." She will likely panic and wish at points that she could in some way...any way make the spanking she is receiving stop. So I am clear. If she is experiencing a crisis of "safety" then she absolutely must use her safe word. (In actuality I have generally perceived issues and intervened to alleviate them prior to a bottom's needing to safe.)Safeing just because she's decided she doesn't like how severely she's being spanked will result in a far greater severity of spanking that she will truly find "distressing." If this is not acceptqble to her she is encouraged not to consent to being spanked by me. If she does consent to my spanking her, she needs to agree completely to these terms.

I think safewords are vitally important. Used in this way they do not result in creating a topping from the bottom dynamic within a spanking session.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Bratty Erin said...

We don't have a safeword, but Chris has told me on numerous occasions that I can stop the spanking if I think there is an injury, need to reposition myself, or feel sick. I have only had to stop, once that I can recall and it was during a erotic spanking. He is very good at reading my body language and asking me during a spanking if I am doing alright. I usually reply with "Yes sir, my bottom is just sore" Which he replies with a smile "Good"

Alex spanks Allie said...

Allie and I don't use a safeword as well. The intent of a punishment is for it to be carried out to its fullest extent. We actually take small breaks during a punishment spanking, so I can talk to her and find out how she is doing. Erotic and maintenance spankings are usually softer, so it isn't required.

Pagan said...

Oh, the innocence of youth. When I entered into my first spanking relationship in my teens, I had no idea there was a community, much less rules and labels. We broke all kinds of scene rules...while thoroughly enjoying each other. :)

My hubby and I do not have formal safewords - they've never felt necessary, and now it would seem like a pointless addition.

He can read my reactions pretty accurately, and as spanking isn't disciplinary in our house, there's no real reason for a spanking to be more intense than what I can enjoy.

If it's a bit too hard, I say so. He may back off...or he may say "It's good for you"...and continue a bit longer. ;)

If I'm desperately trying to escape and pleading...he knows he's brushing up against 'yellow'. Our unofficial version of that is 'ok, ok'. LOL

If I needed him to stop, I'd say STOP. I might add 'Seriously' if it needed to be immediate.

'Stop' isn't a word I use while being spanked, so it's as effective as 'red' would be.

I know many feel that there always has to be a safeword, but I respectfully disagree. What there always has to be, IMO, is COMMUNICATION.

As long as you can make your partner understand that something is wrong, or that s/he is approaching your limits, that's what's important.

I personally don't believe a special word is the only way to accomplish that.

Besides...I've never been one that likes being told that there's only one way to do something, and that it isn't mine. ;)

Mija said...

I started an answer, but it got so long it became a blog entry in its own right. It's on the Punishment Book.

The short answer is yes we have one. I've needed it once in 10 years, on our wedding night. But when I needed it, I really needed it. It averted disaster.

The worst part is, we had it only because P insisted. I hate it when he's right.

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