Sunday, December 10, 2006

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Dec 10


Thank you, everyone, for sharing your wonderful insight. This topic took off in a couple of directions I hadn't anticipated when I posed the questions. I love it when that happens!

Anyhow, here are your thoughts regarding drawing the line and degrees of "out-ness."


Lisa: As far as my own out-ness, I share the personal pleasure of my spankings on my blog. My father-in-law knows because he and my husband spoke briefly about it. I have nobody in the real world to share it with other than my husband. But if my neighbors found out or my co-workers came across my blog, I wouldn't deny it.

OPB: In these times of supposed tolerance, it seems that spankos are still fearful of being considered weird (as my wife puts it) or worse. I think there is a great fear abroad about sexual kink, allied bizarrely with prurience. For example, the idea of spanking and BDSM are treated as humourous, probably to hold off the thought that supposedly unusual desires lie within each of us. Perhaps the fear concerns the strong force of the sexual urge. In a country such as mine, we need to appear in control of ourselves at all times and treat shows of emotion as somewhat disreputable (except with regard to football of course). Perhaps we think that loosing sex will make us wild and uncontrolled in other aspects of our lives, and who knows what demons may come into us when that happens.

So, to answer your question, No, I've not told anyone of my (unfulfilled) spanking desires, except my wife, and that was not met with unalloyed joy, so perhaps I'll just keep schtum.

Amber: This is my story.
  • Commenting on kinky web sites – YES

  • Blogging – YES

  • Giving all too many clues about my true identity on my blog, if someone knew me personally or was up for throwing together a few keywords and Googling – YES

  • Attending a spanking party or organizing one – NO

  • Talking to family and community – NO REASON WHATSOEVER and would undermine my position in it.

  • Meeting some of the fellow bloggers/spankos for mutual play or just because – PROBABLY NOT

  • Posting photos – YES, photos of stuff. NO, no pictures of myself. Maybe only a strand of hair.

Doc: There is a lot about being outed in any sense that is incredibly difficult. The fortunate thing for me is that I have a number of friends who are deeply curious about all sorts of different things when it comes to sex, thus when I briefly bring up my kink, be it veiled or not, there is no obvious revulsion present on their faces. That's nice.

As to outness, I find that even though I can come to terms with any sort of sexual difference in myself, I find it hard to tell others. I simply expect them to magically know.

So, as to how I am out:
  • Blog – Yes.

  • Commenting – Obviously yes.

  • Would someone who knew me in life know through my blog that it was me – Certainly so.

As one can see, it is easy to be out on the net. But at home... Some of my friends know simply because I knew that they wouldn't say anything. I can tell that some are awkward with it, but it's not as if I expected them to launch into a conversation about it with me. As for my family, my parents, or random people I meet, why would I bother? For me, they do not need to understand what turns me on. They'll never need to know. The friends I've told are the ones with whom I share every aspect of my life. We talk about sex, and there is potential for them to hook me up with someone. My family has no reason to understand, because unlike my sexuality it's not something any of them are ever going to be confronted with. If they are, hopefully they'll simply forget about it, and take it like the adults they are.

As a summation, telling someone I like spanking is telling them what turns me on. I won't deny it, but I'm not going to offer the information without good cause.

Lee: I was out online, reading, commenting, etc. on various forums, searching for "spanking" in Google, etc., (I still don't have a blog; maybe when I'm not a busy college kid anymore), before I was actually legally supposed to be. Although, I didn't discover the picture/video sites until I was about to graduate high school, and I blushed anytime anybody described sex.

In real life, although we haven't actually discussed it, I get the feeling that I don't have too many vanilla friends. I know for a fact that my "suspicious" (forgive the term) friends have friends who are VERY heavily into BDSM. And they know me well enough to know that there's probably something not-so vanilla about me either, although I'm not so sure they'd be able to pin it down to spanking. If the topic came up, or somehow they straight up asked me, I'd share.

Everyone else will never know if I have anything to say about it.

Spanky: Obviously, Kallisto and I do not mind leaving messages here! Currently, we are not participating in any online forums, but I would not rule out that possibility if one of us found a community that we wanted to participate in.

As you know, we have recently started our own blog also, and use it to write about our real life spanking experiences. We are careful not to leave any hints as to our identity. As for attending a spanking party, I can safely say no thanks to that, or to the idea of organizing such a party. Logistically, I don't think we could even if we wanted to, which we don't. Spanking for us is a prelude to sex, and that is not something to do in front of others. Spanking just for spanking's sake has not happened yet with us.

So far we have not posted photographs, audio, or video accounts, but Kallisto is interested, as long as we are not identifiable! Since coming out to me as a spanko, Kallisto has become much more comfortable in her skin. This has really turned up the heat in our lives. Just yesterday, I was walking through the kitchen and she lifted up her blouse and flashed her tits at me. That would never have happened before! So, the idea of someone else seeing them (anonymously) is probably not out of the question in her mind.

Telling vanilla friends about our spanko life, or maybe dropping just a hint? No, there is no need for them to know about that. As for telling family, ditto. There is no more reason to tell them about that then there is to describe any other aspect of our sex lives. It's not something you do face to face with people who know you. To describe such things anonymously, however, is another story. I think part of what makes our spanko life fun is the sense that we are sharing some kind of a delicious secret that no one else (who knows us) is aware of. We describe our experiences anonymously really in order to improve our communication with each other, and bring up new ideas etc. which might never come up otherwise. We have had considerable success with that since we started!

Jigsaw Analogy: How "out" am I? Well, I definitely comment on blogs and have my own blog(s).

There is some separation, but it's not complete. I gave several friends the address of my mental health blog, not realizing until afterwards that when I upgraded to Blogger Beta, it linked my mental health blog with my spanking blog. So several people have more information than I might necessarily have chosen to share with them, more because of W wanting to maintain privacy than other reasons.
  • Online forums? – Yes.

  • Writing about real life experiences? – Sure.

  • Going to a play party? – Yes (you can be waaay noisier at a play party than in an apartment!).

  • Organizing a party? – No, but more because of logistics than the necessities of being out or not out.

  • Posting audio/video? – Not so much, because we'd rather not have my partner linked with anything "inappropriate" online.

  • Posting pictures? – So long as my face isn't in it.

  • Telling vanilla friends? – Well, it's been a little bit of a "whoops" situation (see above), but yeah.

  • Telling friends I know aren't vanilla? – Yes. Mostly, I haven't discussed it with my family, but my sister knows at least some of it.

  • Meeting spankos I know from the web? – Yes, although not as often as we'd like (most of my online spanko pals don't live near us).

Jammin: Here are my responses.
  • Sharing my spanking interest with my lover – No problem.

  • Sharing with friends or family – no way. I'm bisexual and I've come out to a few friends with good and bad results. So I've got to trust you a lot to do that.

  • Leaving a comment on MBS – Sure, I don’t mind if I feel that I have something to say.

  • Attend a spanking party – If it were in a different town or state than my own.

  • Blogging, posting photos, audio, or video – No way. I’m too shy. I never know who is looking and will use it. Although it sounds as though I'm a closed person, I am just cautious one because I’ve had some bad things happen.

kk: Master and I were just talking about this topic the other day. What would our co-workers and friends say if they knew about us and our S&M ways?

I do wear a ring on my finger just like the one that "O" wore, so I do not hide that I am a slave. Only one person has made a comment about the ring saying it was different and I answered her, “So am I.” Did she know what it meant? Maybe. If she had asked me, I would have told her that yes, I am a slave and enjoy the lifestyle.

Five friends of ours know about us. All five have seen pictures of me and one couple has played with us, as she is my Mistress. We would love tell everyone, but we’re just not sure how that would go over at the office or the church hall. So, for now, we just enjoy posting it on our blog for all to read about the fun we have together.

Todd and Suzy: We are pretty open. We comment, blog, post about real spanking experiences, post pictures, use our real first names, not secretive about the area we live in. If someone knows us, and finds our blog, it will be a 1+1 mystery. Two seconds to figure out.

We've also told different people in our lives. Suzy's mothers, Todd's sister, several friends. But, we are selective. We have no desire to make anyone uncomfortable. If our conservative friends and family should look through spanking blogs though, LOL... what they find is on them.

Mary: I love this forum and sharing thoughts on yours and a couple of other spanking sites (usually ones linked here.) I am not OUT to anyone in my family, or to friends. There are some friends I have commented to with phrases that could be hints, but generally are taken as joking. I would not want ANY ONE in my professional life to know about my love of being spanked. I think it would undermine my credibility. - So I do not post pictures and I rarely refer to anything that would link someone to my professional persona. I might attend a live spanking brunch - now that I have gotten to know all of you.

Tigger: I post on several blogs, as well as online forums, where I participate in discussions about spanking and share stories about real-life spankings.

I also write spanking novellas for a well-known online publisher, as well as have my own website showcasing my stories.

As for telling my vanilla friends, I actually took the plunge and told a friend that I've known since grade school. She knew that I wrote novellas, so when I put my website online, I decided to mention it to her. I was a little nervous about her reaction, but it turns out that she's totally cool with it! She said that though she and her hubby hadn't ever tried spanking, she was intrigued by the idea! Then, the other day, I was telling her that I'm writing a Christmas-themed spanking story, and not only did she say that's neat, but she casually asked if Santa was doing the spanking! Guess she's not as vanilla as I thought! LOL!

Paul: Mel and I were very careful about our lifestyle.

We were quite sure that her parents had at least a DD lifestyle, I saw the "wince" quite often when we visited mum and dad-in-law. When Mel winced when sitting, I saw them smile at each other. We admitted to having an old fashioned marriage. I know that my eldest niece knew about us and expressed some interest, whether her current partner spanks I don't know.

I personally am not too worried about being outed. I have no living family, but I am very careful about others.

Elis: I love having my blog and being able to share here. Anyone that knows us would probably be able to tell that it was us. I think it worried Nick some at first but he hasn't said anything lately.

No one, apart from my blogger friends, know and I do not plan on telling anyone. Yet there are times that I have wanted to.

If my employer found out that would be decidedly uncomfortable. I would truly be torn between completely denying it altogether and wanting to say "Yes, that's me and I am proud of what I have written and I stand by every word of it and so what?!" But I think if I ever chose to come out to my closest friends then they would laugh, tease me a bit, and think no more about it.

As for the parties and gatherings, I would say a firm no. But there are so many things I would have said were impossible a year ago about which I now have an open mind. No, I do not believe we will ever attend one, but I am curious. I would love to meet many of the people I've met here just to get together and visit.

Maggie: I have only recently started posting comments and started my own blog. That was a big step to overcome at the time. Now, I feel pretty comfortable with it. I don't think I could post pictures. But then again, maybe I could as long as they don’t reveal my identity. If I were ever able to bring it up in real life, other than Mr. C (that's still hard), I'm pretty sure my neighbors all would be cool with it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if maybe a couple of them do play at it (but not the ones that need the DD aspect!). Family, they don't need to know any part of my sex life. It's not discussed in a vanilla context, so why bring up some kink? And at work, it’s probably the same as my neighbors. They probably do it in some form or fashion and would have no problem with it. It's just not a conversation I'm going to initiate, with anyone!

TX Spanko Girl: I don't blog about things, but I do read them often and comment from time to time. I've never written a spanking story that I would post, but I write them for my sweetie quite often. :-)

I've never been to a spanking party, but I think it would be a lot of fun. We've actually talked (albeit briefly) about attending a Shadow Lane party next year. I think we'd have a blast! Although he would be the only one spanking my bottom! It would be fun to meet more like-minded people and maybe spank a bottom or two since my sweetie is all top and I'm a switch.

I have submitted a couple of photos to some blogs before. They never show my face, just my well-spanked bottom. LOL Not all of our vanilla friends know, but a few of them do and no one has ever been shocked about it. In fact, a few have expressed quite a bit of interest or tried it themselves after that! I guess there are actually quite a few spankos down here in the Lone Star State!

Eva: I have no desire for anyone in my "real life" to find out about my "other life." I have, however, allowed one or two people from this "other life" into my real life if that makes sense.

I'm with Elis. I'm torn between denying it and saying "yeah, so?" when I think of ever being "found out." In the bigger scheme of things, it's really not a big deal unless, of course, they ever try to outlaw things that go on in the privacy of my bedroom.

As for parties and such, ummm... No way. I could never be a part of that. It would just be too weird.

Persephone: I love having my blog where I can share my personal fantasies and true recounts of my experiences. It's my outlet and if someone doesn't like what they see, then they don't have to read. That's why there is that “next blog” button at the top of the page.

As for my friends, well, the majority of them have no clue about the things I am into. There are a couple who do and they think it’s great that I am able to share and express myself in a way that I am comfortable and having fun. But you see, they are open-minded, so it’s easy to share this with them

I grew up in a family that always talked about sex, but only in a joking manner. They will never know the extent of things I enjoy because they really and truly would not understand. That's okay, but at the same time, it’s sad that they have a fear of expressing how they feel sexually. It’s like they feel certain types of intimacy.

As for pictures, I plan to post some of myself on my blog in the near future at the request of my Ari. He thinks it would just add that little something special to my stories. I tend to agree, so we shall see.

Pagan: I consider myself to be privately out. I'm out to my partner, of course, but I have no desire to be out to anyone else in my vanilla life. He feels the same way.

We're not embarrassed by it, but we consider it to be private. It’s not something we wish to colour all of our interactions with others. Having said that, I post comments on a few blogs. I'm an active participant on a spanking board and I've written and posted literally hundreds of pages of spanking erotica. I've attended a couple small spanking parties with others from the site I frequent, and will be attending a fairly large spanking gathering in a couple of months.

Someone who already knew me and sifted through all my comments might be able to confirm my identity - I could be RECOGNIZED, I think. I don't think I could be IDENTIFIED though, and that's the way I prefer to keep it. :)

Fitz: We're very careful to stay anonymous online, but if someone knew us in real life, they'd recognise us from the pictures on our blog, and maybe from the family history we've talked about.

My brat is out to her family as they really aren't shocked by anything she does! I come from a family that simply doesn't talk about sex at all, so I'm pretty confident the occasion will never arise where I'm likely to come out to them.

Of course we have the blog, but I also have a much older vanilla blog where I've only ever hinted now and again at my interest in BDSM, and I do participate in a couple of SM forums - all, again, strictly anonymous.

As for friends, we know a couple of people who we actually introduced to SM and spanking, but generally we're pretty quiet about it. To be honest, anyone who knows us well enough to call us a friend wouldn't bat an eyelid if we did tell them because they'd be used to us being into loads of weird stuff anyway :)

Fox: Such a detailed question requires quite a bit of thought. How out am I/we? I'm not sure about my love, but I am so completely not out. Although I have been known to think I was being discreet only to find that I was not. Would anybody that knows us be surprised? Only in that it wasn't something they considered. Do we talk about it? I know I don't. Am I comfortable leaving messages or blogging? Mostly. I get concerned from time to time that I might be recognized, but overall, I don't worry too much about it. I have my own blog where I have my opportunity to talk about our experiences because if I didn't blog, I think I'd burst. I do post pictures, especially when one of our encounters offers such surprising results to me! I know why women check their bottoms in the mirror. It’s because they are either convinced it’s been beaten off, or they didn't think it was so bad and the bruises from hell are popping up. Would I attend a spanking party? In a heartbeat, but I’m not so sure my honey would. I like the idea of not having to worry about the noises. Would I organize one? NO WAY. I would not tell family, but there is some question as to how much the children still living at home are aware. We just don't discuss it. Nor do I intend to. It’s private. Let them wonder :)

Bonnie: For someone who has described almost every detail of our fairly kinky love life, I’m still fairly deep in the closet. Randy believes, and I agree, that our careers would be damaged were we exposed. That’s not our only consideration, but right now it’s the overriding one.

Fortunately, we have the web. It has allowed my voice to be heard by many like-minded people. I'm not at all ashamed of what we do. On the contrary, this lifestyle is the cornerstone of a loving relationship that I think many vanilla couples would envy. I'm delighted to have the opportunity to share what I've learned without making our lives any more complicated. For now at least, this is a workable compromise.

Thank you all for sharing these wise words! Please join us again next Sunday for a new question and a new discussion.

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5 comments :

Jujubees said...

Great topic Bonnie! If I would have seen this sooner, I would have responded yesterday with the group, even though I have nothing really earth shattering to add. I think I must have been thinking along these same lines this weekend, as evidenced by my blog entry this morning. Is there something in the air?

As for being "out" about spanking. No, I keep that part of my life separate. It is no one else's business what I do on my own time. But also like so many others here have mentioned, it would not do anything for my professional career if others were to find out and I have some concerns it may actually damage my career or me personally in the process. However, if someone asks or finds out, I'm also with the crowd who say..oh well, maybe I'll just come clean! "Yeah, that's me and that's how I am, you should try it some time, you might like it!"

Also, I have been to a spanking party and mingled with other people into spanking, it was a great time.

Very interesting reading, thanks Bonnie.

Best wishes,
Julie

Anonymous said...

Great reading, Bonnie!!!

*hugs*
Tigger

foxthatsspanked said...

I keep forgetting about that single other factor that others have brought up although it is ALWAYS uppermost in our minds...our professional lives would most definitely suffer from others having this knowledge. We keep it quiet although, as I said, those that know us really wouldn't be surprised by much of anything we do...the bruises might surprise them...although the bruises, like the tattoos, are all carefully hidden so only those I choose to know about them do know about them...and that would be only my husband...and my tattooist of course!

Lee said...

I hadn't thought about the professional life thing, and I have to say, I'm at a very lucky point in my life where no one cares. It's college, you're supposed to be doing all kinds of questionable things anyways! It makes me think maybe one day I should just say something. When else is it going to be that easy?

rivka said...

Believe it or not, this brunch was actually posted around the time I was going through being outed (to an extent). I'm sad that I missed it, and wished I could've been here for it. However, since going through that, my ideas about what I'm OK with revealing and not revealing have changed dramatically. It's nice to see I'm not the only one who's very much concerned with this side of my life staying hidden.

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