Sunday, December 10, 2006

MBS Spanko Brunch #47

People talk about being "out" as though it's a binary choice. Either one is "out" or they are not. In truth, there are many degrees of being out. For example, I'm reasonably comfortable with sharing details of our love life with you, my readers, but horrified by the prospect of our neighbors finding out. Today's question deals with levels of "out-ness."

Where do you draw the line in terms of sharing your interest in spanking? Leaving a message here on MBS? Participating in online forums? Starting your own blog? Writing about real life spanking experiences? Attending a spanking party? Organizing such a party? Posting photographs, audio, or video accounts? Telling vanilla friends, or maybe just a hint? What about telling family?

I encourage you to submit a contribution to our brunch discussion. Please leave a comment below, send me an e-mail, or post a response on your own blog. Once everyone has provided their responses, I will publish a summary of the discussion.

Thank you in advance for your sharing your thoughts!


Lisa said...

Well As far as my personal
OUT-NESS I share my person pleasure of spanking on my blog. My father in law knows of it because My husband and him have spoke breifly about it. I have nobody in the real world to share it with other than my husband. But if my neighbors found out and my co workers came across my blog, I wouldn't deny it.
great brunch

Anonymous said...

Nice question Bonnie, and one that is important to consider.
In these times of supposed tolerance it seems that spankos are still fearful of being considered wierd ( as my wife puts it) or worse. I think there is a great fear abroad about sexual kink, allied bizarrely with prurience, such that the idea of spanking and bdsm are treated as humourous, probably to hold off the thought that supposedly unusual desires lie within each of us. Perhaps the fear is that of the strong force of the sexual urge, and in a country such as mine where we need to appear in control of ourselves at at all times and treat shows of emotion as somewhat disreputable ( except with regard to football of course )perhaps we think that loosing sex will make us wild and uncontrolled in other aspects of our lives, and who knows what demons may come into us when that happens.

So, to answer your question, No, I've not told anyone of my (unfulfilled) spanking desires, except my wife, and that was not met with unalloyed joy, so perhaps I'll just keep schtum.

Thanks for the forum.

Amber said...


This is my story

-Commenting on kinky websites - YES
-Blogging - YES
-Giving all too many clues about my true identity on my blog, if someone knew me personally or was up for throwing together a few keywords and googling - YES
-Attending a spanking party or organizing one - NO
-Talking to family and community - NO REASON WHATSOEVER and would undermine my position in it.
-Meeting some of the fellow bloggers/spankos for mutual play or just cause - PROBABLY NOT
-Posting photos - YES, photos of stuff, NO, no pictures of myself. Maybe only a strand of hair.

Thanks for asking such cool questions.

Doc said...

There is a lot about being outed in any sense that is incredibly difficult. The fortunate thing for me is that I have a number of friends who are deeply curious about all sorts of different things when it comes to sex, thus when I briefly bring up my kink - be it veiled or not - there is no obvious revulsion present on their faces. That's nice.

As to outness, I find that even though I can come to terms with any sort of sexual difference in myself I find it hard to tell others, I simply expect them to magically know.

So as to how I am out:

Blog: yes. Commenting: obviously yes. Would someone who knew me in life know through my blog that it was me: certainly so.

As one can see, it is easy to be out on the net, but at home... Some of my friends know simply because I knew that they wouldn't say anything. I can tell that some are awkward with it, but it's not as if I expected them to launch into a conversation about it with me. My family, my parents, random people I meet. Why would I bother? For me they do not need to understand what turns me on, they'll never need to know. The friends I've told are the ones I share every aspect of my life with. We talk about sex, and there is potential for them to hook me up with someone. My family has no reason to understand, because unlike my sexuality it's not something any of them are ever going to be confronted with, and if they are hopefully they'll simply forget about it, and take it like the adults they are.

As a summation: telling someone I like spanking is telling them what turns me on. I won't deny it, but I'm not going to offer the information without good cause.

Lee said...

I was out online, reading, commenting, etc. on various forums, searching for "spanking" in Google, etc., (still don't have a blog; maybe when I'm not a busy college kid anymore), before I was actually legally supposed to be. Although, I didn't discover the picture/video sites until I was about to graduate high school, and I blushed anytime anybody described sex.

In real life, although we haven't actually discussed it, I get the feeling that I don't have too many vanilla friends. And, I know for a fact that my "suspicious" (forgive the term) friends have friends who are VERY heavily into BDSM. And they know me well enough to know that there's probably something not-so vanilla about me either, although I'm not so sure they'd be able to pin it down to spanking. And, if the topic came up, or somehow they straight up asked me, I'd share.

Everyone else will never know if I have anything to say about it.

Spanky said...

Bonnie, this is an interesting question. Obviously, Kallisto and I do not mind leaving messages here! Currently we are not participating in any online forums, but I would not rule that possibility out if one of us found a community that we wanted to participate in ...

As you know, we have recently started our own blog also, and use it to write about our real life spanking experiences, with the caveat that we are careful not to leave any hints as to our identitity. As for attending a spanking party, I can safely say no thanks to that, or to the idea of oganizing such a party. Logistically, I don't think we could even if we wanted to, which we don't. Spanking for us is a prelude to sex, and that is not something to do in front of others. Spanking just for spanking's sake has not happened yet with us.

Posting photographs, audio, or video accounts? So far we have not, but Kallisto is interested, as long as we are not identifiable! Since coming out to me as a spanko, Kallisto has become much more comfortable in the skin she is in, which has really turned up the heat in our lives. Just yesterday, I was walking through the kitchen and she lifted up her blouse and flashed her tits at me. That would never have happened before! So, the idea of someone else seeing them (anonymously) is probably not out of the question in her mind.

Telling vanilla friends about our spanko life, or maybe dropping just a hint? No, there is no need for them to know about that. As for telling family, ditto. There is no more reason to tell them about that then there is to describe any other aspect of our sex lives. It's not something you do face to face with people who know you. To describe such things anonymously, however, is another story. I think part of what makes our spanko life fun is the sense that we are sharing some kind of a delicious secret that no one else (who knows us) is aware of. We describe our experiences anonymously really in order to improve our communication with each other, and bring up new ideas etc. which might never come up otherwise. We have had considerable success with that since we started!

I might add that the vast improvement in our love life is all to your blog; as finding it was the key that opened the door for Kallisto. Thanks again!

Jigsaw Analogy said...

How "out" am I? Well, definitely commenting on blogs and having my own blog(s).

There is some separation, but it's not complete. I gave several friends the address of my mental health blog, not realizing until afterwards that when I upgraded to blogger beta, it linked my mental health blog with my spanking blog. So several people have more information than I might necessarily have chosen to share with them; more because of W wanting to maintain privacy than other reasons.

Online forums? Yes. Writing about real life experiences? Sure.

Going to a play party? Yes (you can be waaay noisier at a play party than in an apartment!). Organizing a party? No, but more because of logistics than the necessities of being out or not out.

Posting audio/video? Not so much, because we'd rather not have my partner linked with anything "inappropriate" online. Posting pictures? So long as my face isn't in it.

Telling vanilla friends? Well, it's been a little bit of a "whoops" situation (see above), but yeah. And telling friends I know aren't vanilla? Yes. Mostly, I haven't discussed it with my family, but my sister knows at least some of it.

And meeting spankos I know from the web? Yes, although not as often as we'd like (most of my online spanko pals don't live near us).

Great topic, Bonnie, as usual.

Anonymous said...

sharing my spanking interest with my lover. no problem. with friends or family no way. i'm bisexual and i've come out to a few friends. good and bad results. so i've got to trust you a lot to do that. leaving a message on MBS sure i dont mind if i feel i have something to say. would attend a apanking party if in a different town or state than my own. blogging; posting photos; audio; or video no way to shy. never know who is looking and will use it. sounds like i'm a closed person just cautious one. have had some bad things happen. love your blog good question. thanks. jammin33333

kk said...

Bonnie great question as always.

Master and i was just talking about this the other day. What would our co-workers/friends say if they knew about us and our s&m ways.

I do wear a ring on my finger just like the one "O" wore, so I do not hide that i am a slave. Only one person has made a comment about the ring saying it was different and i answered her so am i.

Did she know what it meant? Maybe? If she would have ask me I would have told her yes i am a slave and enjoy the lifestyle.

Five friends of ours know about us. All five have seen pictures of me and one couple has played with us as she is my Mistress.

We would love tell everyone but just not sure how that would go over at the office or the church hall.

So for now we just enjoy posting it on our blog for all to read about the fun we have together.

Great brunch as always.


A.S.S. said...

We are pretty open. We comment, blog, post about real spanking experiences, post pictures, use our real first names, not secretive about the area we live in. If someone knows us, and finds our blog... it would be a 1+1 mystery. Two seconds to figure out.

We've also told different people in our lives. Suzy's mothers, Todd's sister... several friends. But, we are selective. We have no desire to make anyone uncomfortable. If our conservative friends and family should look through spanking blogs though, lol... what they find is on them.

Fun question!

~Todd & Suzy

Mary said...

I love this forum and sharing thoughts on yours and a couple of other spanking sites (usually ones linked here.) I am not OUT to any persons in my family, or to friends. There are some friends I have commented to with phases that could be hints, but generally are taken as joking. I would not want ANY ONE in my professional life to know about my love of being spanked. I think it would undermine my credibility. - So I do not post pictures and I rarely refere to anything that would link someone to my proffessional persona. I might would attend a live spanking brunch - now that I have gotten to know all of you.

Anonymous said...

Great question, Bonnie!!!

I post on several blogs, as well as online forums, where I participate in discussions about spanking and share stories about real-life spankings.

I also write spanking novellas for a well-known online publisher, as well as have my own website showcasing my stories.

As for telling my vanilla friends, I actually took the plunge and told a friend that I've known since grade school. She knew that I wrote novellas, so when I put my website online, I decided to mention it to her. I was a little nervous about her reaction, but it turns out that she's totally cool with it!!! She said that though she and her hubby hadn't ever tried spanking, she was intrigued by the idea!!! Then, the other day, I was telling her that I'm writing a Christmas-themed spanking story, and not only did she say that's neat, but she casually asked if Santa was doing the spanking!!! Guess she's not as vanilla as I thought!!! LOL!!!


Paul said...

Mel and I were very careful about our lifestyle.
We were quite sure that her parents had at least a D D lifestyle, I saw the "wince" quite often when we visited mum and dad in law. When Mel winced when sitting, I saw them smile at each other. We admitted to having an old fashioned marriage. I know that my eldest niece knew about us and expressed some interest, whether her current partner spanks I don't know.
I personally am not too worried about being outed, I have no living family but I am very careful about others.
Good question Bonnie, thanks.
Warm hugs,

New Beginnings said...

I love having my blog and being able to share here. Anyone that know us would probably be able to tell that it was us. I think it worried Nick some at first but he hasn't said anything lately.

No one apart from my blogger friends know and I do not plan on telling anyone, yet there are times that I have wanted to.

If my employer found out that would be decidedly uncomfortable. I would truly be torn between completely denying it altogether and wanting to say "Yes that's me and I am proud of what I have written and I stand by every word of it and so what!" But it think if I ever chose to come out to my closest friends then they would laugh, tease me a bit and think no more about it.

As for the parties and gatherings. I would say a firm no. But there are so many things I would have said were impossible a year ago that now I have an open mind everything. No I do not believe we will ever attend one, but I am curious. I would love to meet many of the people I've met here just to get together and visit.

Thanks for the question!


MaggieDear said...

I have only recently started posting on comments and started my own blog. That was a big step to overcome - at the time. Now I feel pretty comfortable with it. I don't think I could post pictures, but then again maybe as long as they aren't revealing my ID. If I were ever able to bring it up in real life, other than MrC (that's still hard) I'm pretty sure my neighbors all would be cool with it. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if maybe a couple of them do play at it. (But not the ones that need the dd aspect!) Family, they don't need to know any part of my sex life. It's not discussed in a vanilla context so why bring up some kink? And at work, probably the same as my neighbors, they probably do it in some form or fashion and would have no problem with it. It's just not a conversation I'm going to initiate, with any one!

Good question, Bonnie.

TX Spankogirl said...

Well, I don't blog about things, but I read them often and comment from time to time. I've never written a spanking story that I would post, but I write them for my sweetie quite often. :-)

I've never been to a spanking party, but I think it would be a lot of fun and we've actually talked (albeit briefly) about attending a Shadowlane party next year. I think we'd have a blast! Although he would be the only one spanking my bottom!!! It would be fun to meet more like-minded people and to maybe spank a bottom or two since my sweetie is all top and I'm a switch.

I have submitted a couple of photos to some blogs before. Never my face, just my well-spanked bottom. LOL And not all of our vanilla friends know, but a few of them do and no one has ever been shocked about it. In fact, a few have expressed quite a bit of interest or tried it themselves after that!!! I guess there are actually quite a few spankos down here in the Lone Star State!!!

Great topic Bonnie!!!

TX Spankogirl

Eva said...

Bonnie~ Another thought provoking question!!! I have no desire for anyone in my "real life" to find out about my "other life." I have however allowed one or two people from this "other life" into my real life if that makes sense.

I'm with Elis, I'm torn between denying it and saying "yeah, so?" when I think of ever being "found out." In the bigger scheme of things, it's really not a big deal unless of course they ever try to outlaw things that go on in the privacy of my bedroom.

As for parties and such. Ummm... no way. I could never be a part of that. It would just be too weird.

Great question!!!


Persephone said...

I love this question!!!

As for me personally, I love having my blog where I can share my personal fantasies and true recounts of my experiences. It's my outlet and if someone doesn't like what they see then they don't have to read. That's why there is that next blog button at the top.

As for my friends. Well the majority of them have no clue of the things I am into. There are a couple who do and they think its great that I am able to share and express myself in a way that I am comfortable and having fun. But you see they are open-minded so its easy to share this with them

As for my family, well I grew up in a family where sex was always talked about but only in a joking manner. They will never know the extent of things I enjoy because they really and truly would not have an understanding. And that's okay but at the same time its sad they have a fear of expressing how they feel sexually. Its like they feel certain types of intimacy.

As for pictures, I plan on posting some of myself in the near future on my blog at the request of my Ari. He thinks it would just add that little something special to my stories. I tend to agree so we shall see.

Thanks for the question! Great post!

Cigamybab said...

Was sup U Have Been listed @
Adult Blogger Blogs

A Link back would be Appreciated

Thanks Cigamybab

Pagan said...

Hi Bonnie,

I consider myself to be privately out.

I'm out to my partner, of course, but I have no desire to be out to anyone else in my vanilla life. He feels the same way.

We're not embarrassed by it, but we consider it to be private, and not something we wish all interactions with others to be coloured by.

Having said that, I post comments on a few blogs, I'm an active participant on a spanking board, I've written and posted literally hundreds of pages of spanking erotica, I've attended a couple small spanking parties with others from the site I frequent, and will be attending a fairly large spanking gathering in a couple of months.

Someone who already knew me and sifted through all my comments might be able to confirm my identity - I could be RECOGNIZED, I think. I don't think I could be IDENTIFIED though...and that's the way I prefer to keep it. :)

Fitz said...

Hi Bonnie,

We're very careful to stay anonymous online, but if someone knew us in real life, they'd recognise us from the pics on our blog - and maybe the family history we've talked about.

My brat is out to her family as they really aren't shocked by anything she does! I come from a family that simply doesn't talk about sex at all, so I'm pretty confident the occasion will never arise where I'm likely to come out to them.

Of course we have the blog, but I also have a much older vanilla blog where I've only ever hinted now and again at my interest in BDSM, and I do participate in a couple of SM forums - all, again, strictly anonymous.

As for friends, we know a couple of people who we actually introduced to SM and spanking, but generally we're pretty quiet about it.

To be honest, anyone who knows us well enough to call us a friend wouldn't bat an eyelid if we did tell them because they'd be used to us being into loads of weird stuff anyway :)

foxthatsspanked said...

Such a detailed question that it actually requires quite a bit of thought. How out am I/we? I'm not sure about my love but I am so completely not out...although I have been known to think I was being discreet only to find that I was not. Would anybody that knows us be surprised? Only in that it wasn't something they considered. Do we talk about it? I know I don't. Am I comfortable leaving messages or blogging? Mostly. I get concerned from time to time that I might be recognized, but overall, I don't worry too much about it. I do have my own blog where I have my opportunity to talk about our experiences because if I don't I think I'll burst, and I do post pictures, especially when the results of one of our encounters offers such surprising results to me! I know why women check their bottoms in the mirror...its because they are either convinced its been beaten off, or they didn't think it was so bad and the bruises from hell are popping up. Would I attend a spanking party? In a heart beat but not so sure my honey would. I like the idea of not having to worry about the noises. Would I organize one? NO WAY. I would not tell family but there is some question as to how much the children still living at home are aware...we just don't discuss it...nor do I intend to. ITs private....let them wonder :)

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