Sunday, December 14, 2008

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Dec 14

Our topic of the week dealt with vanilla relationships that evolve into kinky ones. Here are your thoughts.

Todd and Suzy: We have never had it "suddenly" happen. There have been vanilla friendships that eventually turned into something spanking related, but the transition was a long one. It starts with bringing up the topic of spanking and then having casual discussions. At some point, there is a back and forth Q and A that leads to a “how would you spank me?” exchange. This flows into a spanking.

It's a slow process though, and to be honest, I'm not sure the person is really "vanilla" to start with. True vanillas seem to balk at the first mention of spanking. But I have moved from a vanilla-based friendship to having some kinky spanking fun, even if my friend has never really thought much about spanking. They do need to be open-minded, and at least in my experience, it can't be rushed.

Daisychain: I don't think it counts, but when Davey and I first met online, he was a vanilla. After a few months, I expressed a desire for him to spank me for being a brat. Initially, he was a little shocked (maybe that’s too strong a word, nothing I say shocks him). He considered spanking to be spousal abuse. I convinced him to read your blog, and gradually, he came around to the idea. By the time we met in person, he was really looking forward to it!

Girl: This is a tricky one. The relationship was vanilla, but the people in it were not. My friend Jessie and I were decent acquaintances. On a trip with the local Out on Campus group, our goal was to go to the local gender and sex book store (for anyone near Vancouver, Little Sister's is a very good store). We started thinking of what our organization needed for books and, BAM! We both realised that we were the only people there well versed on kink.

We went on a few dates, but she tragically had to move to the opposite side of the continent. All the same, it was fun discovering a fellow kink girl. Mostly, the friends I make are more likely to be kinky than not. Strange that.

Dr. Ken: No, I've never had it happen. There was one girl with whom I was friends, and I did give her a birthday spanking. But I was so worried about her reaction, the swats were really light. REALLY light! I'm not sure you could even really call it a "spanking". I'd given her a good swat or two in the past, but her reaction to them always made me feel that if I ever actually spanked her in the way I wanted to, she would run away as fast as possible and never have anything to do with me again.

When it was over, she did say, "You can spank me anytime." But I'm sure she was referring to the mildness of it all, and a steady diet of THAT kind of spanking just wasn't for me.

We stayed friends – I still hear from her on occasion – but that's as far as it went.

Andrades: I am still "working" on my vanilla relationship. So I will have to keep you posted! Todd makes an interesting point. If a relationship changes from vanilla to shall we say, "chocolate," then were they really vanilla to begin with? Or were they perhaps just a hidden "chocolate" all along? This is a very deep and complex question. I feel that fear and social constraints hold us back from expressing our true selves in many ways.

Tiggs: I was all ready to answer "no" to this and then I thought a little harder...

I was the first woman/person a vanilla friend of mine ever spanked. She was always a wild and crazy gal and I knew she swung both ways (girls and guys, that is). But she'd never spanked before. Her greatest fear was hurting me, which was funny to me at the time (and still is).

It wasn't much of a spanking and there was only minimal sexual play afterward. But I have a feeling that it may have fueled something deep inside her and has probably added something spankably special to her long-term relationship with her boyfriend.

It’s kind of neat when I think about it like that. I helped to bring someone out of their shell in another way, and expand their horizons!

Prefectdt: No, that never happened to me. But I do tend to go out of my way not to burden my vanilla friends with my fetish. This question has got my mind whirring a bit about whether or not some of my vanilla friends are really secret spankos.

Jean Marie: A long time ago, I invited an actress/model to come home for dinner with me and my then boyfriend after a shoot. We were cooking in the kitchen and drinking wine when my boyfriend came home. He did his best Stanley Kowalski impression and greeted me by putting me over the kitchen counter and spanking my jeans-covered bottom. I could tell that my new girlfriend was half shocked and more than a little intrigued.

When I sat down at the table, I squirmed and smiled, so the conversation came back to spanking. We openly told her about our lifestyle. By the time dinner and three bottles of wine were consumed, she let her curiosity get the best of her. My boyfriend spanked her playfully over her skirt. I spanked her seductively, raising her skirt and gradually working her panties into the crack of her ass, she spanked me on the bare. She watched my boyfriend paddle me seriously with my hairbrush while she touched herself. Then we went to the bedroom and frolicked the night away. Ah, to be in my twenties and care-free again...

Padme: My friendship was strictly vanilla with my Master for seven years. We did not even sleep together. We were just friends until we got into a relationship after a night of passion. Then the kink and spankings started a few months afterwards. It was a slow transition, though, and we did lots of talking. We eventually moved toward being a TPE (total power exchange) couple and now we both use BDSM in our relationship.

Pammie: Yes, the first D/s relationship I experienced started out as vanilla. He was a very large man (in all ways – hahahahaha) and I am a petite woman. When he hugged me, his embrace engulfed me. This made me feel controlled. Eventually, I slid into sexual obedience. We did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and wherever he wanted. After a few months, we began experimenting with spanking, bondage, and orgasm control (for me, not him, of course).

We never called our relationship D/s or BDSM, but in reality, it was.

Ms. Betty: Let me start by thanking everyone for the wonderful answers so far, since I asked the question. The insights are much appreciated.

I think Todd (and Suzy) are right. I guess it isn't really sudden, or hasn't been. It just feels like it.

Girl has a good point, too, about the relationship being vanilla, but the people being kinky. I think that applies here.

What's happened in my case feels odd to me, but I guess it’s more common than I thought. Then again, I seem to be doing a lot of guessing with this one. Even though I’ve had something similar happen before, it feels like uncharted territory.

I started a job last summer and found myself working with someone a bit… unconventional. Though extremely talented, he tends to be distracted, forgetful, and just a bit careless …the usual. He was also my immediate supervisor when I started. While I tend to let people be who they are, I started to find some of these things exasperating, then frustrating, then downright intolerable.

In particular, he tended to make one specific mistake over and over again all shift long, every single day. One day, I picked up a handy rubber band and explained how there was a very good behavior modification technique for breaking bad habits. You simply put a rubber band on someone’s wrist and each time they repeat the undesired behavior you snap it. His face brightened and he asked in a little too excited of a tone if I’d really thought about doing that to him. Then I did something I rarely do and stalled. But in the end, I was honest that, yes, I had.

From there, he kept testing me until I did finally use the rubber band. While the first mistake stopped, he started pushing me in other ways. There were the threats, a bit of banter back and forth, and then, yes, I finally did end up spanking him. I have done so several more times since.

So what’s the problem? I still find myself hesitating, which is not something I’m at all used to. When I start a spanking relationship, it starts with careful negotiations. I know exactly what his needs and desires are and where the boundary lines are before I ever pick up the hairbrush.

This time, I don’t. I feel like I am in one of those old video games where the screen was dark and you found the walls of the maze by bumping into them one at a time. We are talking and negotiating, but there is so much to find out and it’s going awfully slowly. As I don’t want to risk harming him or our very good friendship, I find myself holding off a lot more than I like. I’m going with “if in doubt, don’t” for now which I think is best. But I’m also realizing being too hesitant could spoil things as much as being too aggressive.

I realize that life doesn’t come with guarantees and that there isn’t one right perfect answer. But I suppose, sometimes, you can’t help hoping to find one.

Hermione: For all I knew, Ron might have been vanilla. The subject of spanking had never come up, although my bottom was always the primary focus of his attention. Then one night, while we were making love, he began to spank me, and kept on spanking until I achieved an orgasm. Since then, spanking has been an integral part of our sexual activities.

Danielle: My husband and I were in a vanilla relationship for many years. When we were first married, he tried to spank me. But I was very vanilla and not interested. A couple of years ago, John found MBS and other spanking blogs and started to read without my knowledge. Afterward, he showed me what he was secretly reading. For the first time, I learned what that meant: spanking! To make a long story short, he started spanking me. Quite soon after, I began to spank him. That is how it is nowadays. Before, I had never ever thought about spanking. I did not even know the word. From a vanilla person, I changed into a spanker who not only spanks her husband, but friends as well.

Xan: Yes, I guess you could say that I have. One of my best friends in college started spanking me for discipline reasons after we had been "vanilla" friends for a couple of months. In fact, I would never have even considered that she was even a little bit into spanking. Of course, at that time, I was just getting into it too, so I was relatively vanilla myself!

On a side note, I hope that my husband, dear vanilla that he is, will one day be one of those new kinky friends of mine!

Thank to everyone who shared their experiences. I hope you'll join us again next week.


Jflame said...

Oh no, how could I have missed this! I had a Vanilla boyfriend who after a couple of years I managed to pursuade to spank me.
It did'nt really work though, he did'nt want to hurt me.
I can't believe I missed this one, doh!!

littlestangel said...

Sorry, I am a bit late ~ When I first started dating Shutter (which became His alias later) I was reading blogs and stories and at the time I had a laptop and so whenever Shutter would enter the room, I'd close the laptop and we'd talk or what not. Now one of these times, when He entered the room, He left again and came back in and was like, What are you doing? I looked up at Him and was like, uhm nothing? and He gave me a look (which I am now very familiar with) and said "Why don't you show me? You know, you can tell me anything..." I don't think He was expecting me to say I liked being spanked but He was very receptive and not new to the idea but had never really spanked anyone before. So He spanked me a little that first night and it's all downhill from there :)

pammie said...

I tried to comment on this a couple of times but it didn't take for some reason.

Yes, my first D/s relationship started out vanilla. It evolved into spanking play, bondage, and sexual obedience. We never called it D/s but that is what it became.

Sorry I have been MIA on my blog lately. I acutally made it private the other day and may move to passwording it. Dating and being spanked by multiple partners (and then blogging about the spankings) has gotten complicated (although hot).

Maybe that could be a brunch topic? How to handle spanking and light BDSM when dating.

(I'll be back!)

Terpsichore said...

I am sorry I missed the discussion. My relationship with my husband has always been vanilla. It wasn't until a year ago that I shared with him my secret desire to be be spanked and since then we have evolved slowly in this journey and I know he wants to make me happy and the little we have explored has added a little spice to our love life which I think we both enjoy. While mostly I think we are still vanilla...hopefully with more time we will both become more chocolate or spicy!:-)

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