Sunday, March 16, 2008

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Mar 16

Our brunch topic this week was techniques for sustaining a long distance relationship. I thought the responses were excellent and I was delighted to have Kelley and Kelley's Girl join us. Here's a summary of the discussion.

Dr. Ken: The lady I fell in love with lived out of state. I first met her at spanking party in Chicago hosted by Crimson Moon. Over the course of many parties, we talked a lot, started exchanging mail and cards, and then e-mail when she got a computer. Once we became an item, what worked for us was lengthy phone calls. I seem to recall issuing a lot of threats. Then several times during the course of the year, we'd get together at another Chicago Crimson Moon party and she'd find out those threats weren't just idle phone chatter. We had no phone sex or phone spankings, and neither of us cared for the cyber side of things. As long as we could talk and meet several times during the year, we could sustain our relationship. She finally managed to move to Minnesota shortly before she passed away.

Daisy: My soulmate is in NY and I am in the UK. We are both in caring professions which are badly paid. We met online two years ago and soon fell deeply in love. We are finding it so hard to be apart. We’re planning to get married this year, but the new immigration laws in the UK are proving difficult so we have had to put it off for a while. We sustain our relationship by calling each other every night, and emailing, and using msn and yahoo, and yes, he text swats me! We have both developed an imagination to the extent that when we chat it feels like we are together. When I get real bratty he makes me self spank while we are on the phone and cam. I visited him last year and I will be going this year too. We will have a lot of "promises" to catch up with. ;)

This Girl: I'm about 200 miles away from my Dom. We see each other once or twice each month for a few days at a time, and it seems that we save all of the kink and the intensity for those times. This makes it really magical when we are together.

We talk loads on the phone, but we don't have phone or cyber sex. It just wouldn't be a patch on how things are real time. As long as I get to talk to him, I'm OK. I have little routines I do for him, such as clothes he likes to me wear and things like that. I suppose to my blog is an additional way of me showing him that I'm thinking about him, and from his point of view, he shows me I'm on his mind by spending time in his shed being devious!

The thing that keeps us going most of all is knowing this is only a short term situation!

Hermione: It's difficult to be separated from the person you love. E-mail is great way to stay in constant touch with each other. Phone calls are always a good idea.

Handwritten love letters, on good stationery, are a meaningful way to express yourself, as are funny or sentimental greeting cards.

A shared blog could also work. You could keep it private or share it with the world.

Anon: My husband and I lived in a long distance relationship for approximately four years before we got married. We are from different countries and the longest duration of separation was eleven months. We survived on phone calls, several long love letters a week (the snail mail way), and after I got e-mail, we had daily contact that way. We always found it important to talk/write about all the important things in life, and that way we got to know a lot about each other before getting married. We probably learned more than most couples who just move in together. We had to create the basis for marriage even though we were apart. Due to immigration laws, we only got to live together for 1½ months before our wedding day. It’s now been just about nine years and we have two wonderful children. My best advice is, talk, stay open, and share your feelings and frustrations. Remember that it should only be physical separation and not emotional. Meet whenever possible even if it's just for a day or two.

Greenwoman: I have had two D/s relationships that were long distance. One I kept in touch with by journaling regularly and letting him read those journal entries. We also talked on the phone a lot. We did share some phone sex, but mostly not. It was a brief relationship, so I don’t know how it might otherwise have sustained itself.

My second relationship was with M, of whom I've written on my blog. We only spoke on the phone when confirming times to meet in transit. We didn't IM either. We wrote love letters via email. Later in our relationship, I kept a private journal that he read. He and I mostly meditated together and this developed a very special bond between us.

I agree with Anonymous, who commented just after Hermione, that if you want a long distance relationship to work, you do have to talk about the important things... to treat each other like dear friends and confide in each other.... and not just sit and talk about sex while online. That emotional component is what will keep things strong and vibrant.

Elle: Wow, how timely. He's probably moving to China for a year with work (the job market here for his profession is limited). I'm distraught. It may be an unconventional relationship, but we do care about each other a hell of a lot and I just hope I don't lose him over this. We currently don't see each other more than a few times a week, and in between, we are constantly on the phone and online. I hate cyber sex and phone sex, because it is too impersonal. I imagine if he does go to China, I will have huge phone bills to pay! I am really looking forward to reading others' responses for tips and ideas on how to get through this, if he goes ahead.

Mary: We have been long distance going on three years. We see each other every month or two. I feel that it has gotten longer recently, but I’m not certain whether that’s because his job no longer involves travel this way or if the relationship itself is fading. We used to e-mail a couple times a week. It was sometimes about life and sometimes about reliving and sharing feelings about a recent spanking encounter. But his new job involves more e-mail to manage and his interest in e-mailing me seems to have either faded or become buried in a long to do list.

Only occasionally have we had a phone sex encounter. It was fun, but partly because it is not a everyday thing. We used to talk on the phone almost daily. Now ,it is sometimes only once or twice a week. That emotional connection is fading and it is hard to weigh out if it is temporary because of increased work demands on his end or if it the sign of things to come. It doesn't help that my uncertainty over the change doesn't always bring out the best in me. My insecurities have gotten the best of me a couple of times recently. Time will tell, but until recently, the distance has not been such a problem, Now that it is, it may be something deeper than the distance. When we are together, it is still absolutely magical. But that emotional connection in between time is fading and it is really causing me concern. So perhaps that is the biggest truth. It isn't the cyber sex or spanks that matter in between as much as the feeling of connection.

Anon #2: I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He lives in the UK and I live in Canada. At times, it's so very difficult to have a "normal" relationship without any physical aspects, but we manage with our wandering imaginations. He'll get me to spank myself and he writes long, extremely erotic passages of text to me. All that sort of stuff is quite the interesting way to be intimate. In short, it's tough as hell, but I know it's worth it :)

Kelley: Thank you so much for your kind words about my girl and my self.

It's tough being apart, but we know it just for seven months and serving in the military gives us a sense that this is for a higher purpose. I am lucky enough to be able to access e-mail daily.

We e-mail and chat nearly everyday. Daily, we both read My Bottom Smarts, New Beginnings, and a few other blogs. We share what we find and talk about how we can use it in our lives.

We have always had a rich fantasy live. Instead of fantasizing while we play together in our marriage, we share fantasies and play separately. Girl has performed for my enjoyment over the web cam. She sends me fun photos as well. We try to maintain that mental bond, even if we are half a world away.

It is great see how others like Bonnie and Randy, Elis and Nick, and several other regulars have made this work. Thanks to all of you who share you stories.

Somewhere in Iraq

Love you Girl

Kelley’s Girl: Thank you for the brunch dedication!

We have always had a very active and fun fantasy life. Much of our courting was done while he was on a six month deployment to Japan years ago. We were lucky enough to be able to talk on the phone often and phone sex was part of our play. We often use fantasy when we are physically together, too. Now that he is deployed, I try to send him pictures - fun, playful, sometimes naughty ;-) We have even played via the webcam! Spanking is a new discovery for us, so we are still exploring ways to incorporate that in our long distance play.

I would have to say that all these various ways of playing have not only been fun and exciting, but they have encouraged us to keep up our communication skills. That carries over into our everyday lives as well.

Jean Marie: When I was in college, I was in one of my first relationships where spanking played a key sexual part. His name was Mark. Then he was accepted to graduate school at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. This was close to twenty years ago. There was no e-mail or instant messaging or cell phones. My long distance phone bill skyrocketed. In one call, Mark asked what I was wearing, and the conversation turned sexual. He asked me to spank myself while he listened. I cooperated, but I felt silly. It didn't get me excited at all (being afraid that my roommate would walk in any second and see me with my clothes pulled away and my butt reddened). But when I told him about how I longed for a good, old fashioned, bare bottom blistering from him when we next met, it got us both hot. We masturbated, listening to the other pant and groan.

Solo sex wasn't satisfactory for me, however. I met another cute guy, this one was named Randy. It got serious and we made love. I was just about to tell Randy about my kinky need to be spanked for foreplay when Mark called and invited me up to Michigan for the weekend. I went. I remember Mark giving me one of the sweetest, most sensual good-girl spankings of my life, but I felt dreadful at the same time. It was clear that Mark wanted to make love. I told him about my confusion, about Randy, and about my incredible guilt.

This made Mark furious. He put me over his knee and used the hairbrush on me. We had a safeword, but I didn't feel right using it. I felt that I deserved a harsh paddling for hurting him and breaking our trust. I got it. I remember feeling so lonely and lost standing in "corner time" with my pants down and my poor butt blistered and bruised. I hoped that the strict spanking would clear the air, but it didn't. Things were strained between us. I left early to return home.

I waited several days until the black and blue marks on my bottom faded before calling Randy. We got together. I gave him a massage. He reciprocated, taking my clothes off as it progressed. We were about to make love for the third time (or thereabouts), and as I rolled a condom on his erection, I asked if he was satisfied by it. He said that he was, complimented me, and asked me if I, too, was satisfied. I told him about my fantasies and how I thought I'd like to be spanked by him, making it sound like this was a new realization for me. It became clear that this wasn't his speed. The relationship fizzled.

It was a long draught before I met another guy who was into spanking me. There was a lot of solo sex and a lot of self-spanking. None of it made me feel complete like the shared acts do.

I don't know if this reflection answers your question of the week, but it sure was fun to reminisce...

Terpsichore: I don't know if I have any great advice for you about how to help a long distance relationship work. I just know it can. My husband and I had a long distance relationship for many years before we were married. Part of this time was while we were both in college and the rest was while he was in the military. It was difficult and I missed him when we could not be together. I did not have access to e-mail at the time, but I wrote letters and sent care packages. When we saw each other, it was so wonderful to connect. Distance can never bring true love apart. I wish you both the best.

Todd and Suzy: We started out as long distance friends and then eventually became a couple. The thing that helped us most was planning for in-person get-togethers. Even if they were far apart, it really gave us something to look forward to.

In the time between meetings, we talked through e-mail, chat, and phone calls. With all the different options, we managed to share time with each other every day. Sometimes, it was just a few minutes, but usually it was much loner.

We talked about everything under the sun, and that included sex and spanking (which were popular topics). We did include sex on the phone, and even some spanking. For us, the spanking was playful. Discipline stuff didn't really work.

It was a *poor* substitute for the real thing, but it was a BIG help. What made the difference for us again, though, was how everything was tied towards our next meeting.

Thank you all for joining in and sharing your experience and insight!


Jessica said...

This was a great topic! I didn't have a lot to add, but I loved hearing how everyone has handled this issue! My heart goes out to the people in the military. It is so hard on the relationship. I have a close family member in the military and his has been deployed a few times. Between the worry and missing them, it can be quite a challenge.


Ofia said...

I'm sorry I missed this one... Long distance relationships are hard and there are different types... that's important to recognize/remember. But, I did just want to say that the most important thing is trust.

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