Monday, January 28, 2008

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Jan 27

Our question this week was a simple one, but it generated some excellent discussion. So, what traits make a great spanker?

Skellos: I think a great spanker has to have the ability to really connect with his/her partner. I think that communication is often times what makes the difference between a mediocre experience and a great one. Another thing to consider is just knowing someone else's needs and desires. There comes a sort of bond that two people build and after getting to know each other it is easier to continue having better and better experiences. Communicating, knowing one's partner, and just having a natural gift for spanking all contribute to the making of a fine spanker.

Meg: To me, the most important traits are not dominance, assertiveness, etc., although they have a certain arousing quality at times, but dignity, caring, sensitivity, and, yes, gentleness. When I first met him, I was drawn to his looks and his obvious strength of both body and personality. But what soon set him so far above any other man I'd ever known was what is usually called class, along with tenderness that could melt, I do believe, even the coldest heart.

I still remember how I was so often moved to tears at the sight of him cradling our infant daughter in his arms, and I still find it exciting, even maddeningly arousing, to watch his hands as he performs a delicate manual task when he's doing a household or automotive repair or carefully holding a tiny plant during springtime gardening. It's awe-inspiring to watch him softly cup a little kitten in those powerful hands that are also so very good at certain other things that I know I needn't describe. In sum, it's his sweet side that matters most to me.

Greenwoman: I need particular things from my spanker depending on what kind of spanking I am getting.

For a loving spanking, one given just because we like it, to comfort me, for sensual pleasure, for fun, I want a man to be tactile. It’s erotic and comforting to be caressed during the spanking. I need a loving heart and a certain mindfulness. I want to know that I have his full attention and that he really wants to be there.

For a discipline spanking, I need a very calm, firm person, not someone who is angry. I need control of his actions and control of his emotions. I need to know that I'll only be given what it takes to make the message sink in and not more, so I don't want punishments given from a position of sadism, but from loving and kindness.

If it’s a therapeutic spanking, I want someone who will not bruise me all up, but who will push until the emotional release happens. So I need someone who is familiar with me. I can't just have a new lover do this sort of spanking. It has to be someone who can read me well and know when I've let it go fully. The first start of tears may or may not be when the release happens, that's the reason for the need to know me well.

Then there's the kind that are just because I'm the submissive and he's the dom and he wants to. Those kind are the kind from which I like to get a burn. I want experience for this kind because I want pain without damage. I like it cumulative and lengthy. I need someone I can really trust for this kind, because there will be moments when it hurts too much. I need to trust that he's not going to harm me, only play hard with me. I need to feel loved. Otherwise, I just feel beaten in the end, even if I started out wanting it.

I prefer my skin to be warmed up, even for punishment spankings. It allows the spanking to go longer without bruising. This is something that only an experienced spanker knows to do and how to do it.

Todd and Suzy: We have thought about this question before. We wondered what other spankos would say and we are so very much looking forward to the responses. We'd say a "good spanker" first and foremost must be a "good person." Without that, nothing else matters. To be "great" a spanker needs to be able to understand a spankee. They need to have a sense of what is needed, and then be able to put that above their own immediate desires (at least most of the time).

Curtis: I think the two most important qualities are caring and sensitivity. They must care about the well-being of the other person and be sensitive to their needs, desires, levels, and emotions.

Paul: I'd agree with Todd and many others a good spanker needs to be a good person, to be aware at all times of his SO's needs.

They must be able to read her body and must know her fully. He must be able to put her needs before his own, but must also know when his needs should be filled. Above all, LOVE, TRUST, AND COMMUNICATION are essential, as in all partnerships.

Phil: As a regular reader, but not a regular contributor, I have to agree with Todd. The concept that good spanker should be a good person sums it up nicely. When a spankee wants, or thinks they want, someone bad to deal with them, it is most likely fantasy and the reality might not turn out quite as imagined. Even when the spankee feels the need for discipline, punishment or just plain very hard spanking, as opposed to light erotic foreplay, the knowledge that their spanker is a good person provides security and trust. This enables them to let go and enjoy what they receive in whatever manner they have chosen secure in the knowledge that they are safe.

Eva: For me, it's the elements of mystery, surprise, and creativity. Not knowing the whens, whys, hows, and with whats can keep a spankee wanting and longing. That sudden, unexpected swat to the behind can turn me to submissive mush willing to do anything, go anywhere, etc.

And the creativity of something new and different is something I always dream of and love when I experience it.

All the rest is irrelevant. In my opinion any spanker who can master those things will be creating the best, most intimate of relationships 24/7/365.

Lele: I'd like to echo what the other posters said about the ability to listen (to what is being said and what is not being said), and caring. I'd also like to add in my opinion that spankers should be (and tend to be) people with the capability of making a decision, and following through with a course of action without doubt or second-guessing themselves. That's not to say that they won't change in the middle of a spanking for whatever reason. I'm saying that they won't be sitting there the whole time wondering, "Was this a good idea? Am I doing it right?" etc.

Lori: Much of what I would say has already been said. A spanker needs to be the person with whom the spankee can totally connect. I'm am often amazed at how my husband knows that I want more or how he's able to read my body language that I want a new implement, etc. It takes time and communication, but what a spanker needs to be is willing and open to understand, so he/she can learn their spankee. I don't mean that in the southern way of "I'll learn ya," but in a way that the spankee is the person receiving, and there is a learning process for the spanker to go through. I hope that makes sense, but I read some sites where the men just don't seem to take into consideration that they love the person they’re spanking. Whether discipline or play, it's all about love for us.

Luna: I have posted my response on my blog.

Hermione: There are three qualities I treasure:

Enthusiasm – My husband enjoys spanking me as much as I enjoy being spanked. He has established a routine of spanking me on a certain day and time. He has never been late, even by a minute. He is just as eager as I am to get on with it.

During spontaneous love-making, when I am not particularly expecting to be spanked, he will usually manage to incorporate a short, hard spanking (or two!) into whatever else he is doing to me at the time. He just can't resist my bare bottom!

Confidence – Ron knows my preferences as well as his own, and he takes complete control once a spanking is underway. I like it that way.

A Sense of Humour – After spanking and loving, when I am wrapped in his arms, my husband usually manages to say something funny to make me laugh. For me, a spanking is a very intense experience. Laughter helps to bring me back to reality in a gentle way.

Paige Tyler: In my opinion, he has to be an alpha male, for sure. I like him to be strong, confident, and take-charge, but not in a controlling of sort of way.

He needs to have the right tone of voice, too.

Oh, and of course, he has to know how to give a good spanking!

Elle: Spontaneity is something that hasn't been mentioned yet and I find that important. It keeps everything fun and exciting.

Being able to read the other person's body language is equally important.

Most important of all is enjoyment, everyone should be enjoying what's happening, both spanker and spankee. If your partner isn't enjoying it, or doesn't care whether you're enjoying it, then it's time you stopped.

Prefectdt: For me, a spanker has to have one of the two following traits (having both is brilliant, but one is enough)

One – Be a good communicator, both in play and discussing play, so that she can learn about what her spankee needs and desires.

Two – Be able to read a sub/bottom’s reactions within play, so that she can judge what works and what doesn't for the guy under her lash.

But most of all, a spanker must have individuality. They need their own personal style that reflects their personality and what they too enjoy about the spanking. Getting ideas and influences from other people is great, but they must be blended in to their own way of going about things.

Southern Angel: I think a spanker is a good spanker when he listens to his spankee and what he/she wants from the spanking.

Terpsichore: I think everyone summed up this question up nicely. I can't think of any more to add. A good spanker, and only spanker, for me is the man I love, my husband. While he may not have all the qualities of a good spanker yet, his qualities are kindness, trust, acceptance, humor, willingness to try and explore new things, and willingness to go on this journey with me to learn how to become a good spanker and make me happy... :-)

Dixie Darling: I honestly don't know if I can put into words what makes a great spanker. Especially because when I have everything typed, I'm sure to think of something else.

First off, a great spanker has the same traits I'd look for in a vanilla friend. Above all else, I want someone who is easy to be around and with whom I feel comfortable enough to just relax and enjoy time. That’s because, face it, if I can't enjoy you as a person, there’s no way you are getting a swing at me.

Secondly, I think the spanker has to be open in communicating what they are good at and, more importantly, what they are not so good at with regards to methods and implements. Someone who can be upfront and tell me they don't handle a certain implement or even certain intensity gets a gold star in my book because it gives me something to work with and know what NOT to expect.

Finally, and probably the most important in my mind due to issues that I struggle with inside the confines of safe play, they must be trustworthy. I need someone who I can trust completely.

Mary: I agree that a good spanker is first a good person. I think that a good spanker must be able to mix kindness and firmness. Consistency is an important trait. I value a person who is willing to converse and discuss what went well and what did not when growing in a spanking relationship. The spanker needs to be strong, physically and emotionally. I need to hear the strength in his voice and to feel him hold me with strength sometimes.

Oh, and I want someone who can tell when I am being a wuss about things. It seems that recently I have been accused of being a total wimp who can't seem to "take" a proper spanking without excessive whining. Luckily for me, he was recovering from that "bug" and didn't insist on giving the spanking that would get me over my wimpiness. Does anyone else go through wimpy phases?

Terpsichore: In response to Mary, I have yet to receive my first real spanking, so I do not know what intensity I am comfortable with. I do know that after receiving several really hard whacks with my husband's hand, I sometimes already say "ouch!" Other days, I am wish he would go on forever. I am a bit worried that I am going to be a wimp when he finally becomes comfortable taking me over his knee, but I am hoping he will have the strength of mind to know that I trust him and want him to push me past my comfort zone a bit. In turn, I am hoping that I can accept the gift graciously. I am probably not the most experienced one to answer your question, but there it is.

LDD-4-Me: I would like to think dominance is pretty low on the list of helpful traits for a good spanker.

I would like to think that at the top of the list would be some old fashioned values like honor, pride, and most of all integrity. This is not someone who simply demands respect, but someone who actually deserves it without asking.

I've written about it before, I think horror stories can come from people looking for dominant traits when that might not really be what they want.

Thank you all for your thought-provoking responses!


Reesa Roberts said...

I really enjoyed reading all of these responses, Bonnie - thanks!


MissyH said...

Meg, that was a beautiful tribute to your man. "Make me to see it!!"
Othello demanded. You did.

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