Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Top Ten: Spanking Myths

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around about adult spanking. It's little wonder if you think about it. Spanking is simply not something about which most people generally speak. Even those of us who are quite familiar with the joys of consensual spanking hold our secrets quite tightly outside our small circle of trusted friends.

There is, of course, the internet and the wonderful resources here. However, many people have yet to find their way. For those newly arriving and anyone else with an interest, I would like to present and discuss ten common myths about adult spanking.

  1. Effectiveness is related to severity - I believe that effectiveness depends far more upon what's happening inside the head of the recipient than anything that takes place at the opposite end. An effective spanking is one that produces a beneficial change in the spankee. That may, in some cases, necessitate a severe spanking. Often, however, a more moderate spanking, combined with encouraging words, expressions of caring, and appropriate aftercare will provide the greatest good for both partners.

  2. Wood hurts more than leather - I hear this phrase even from experienced spankos, but I think it's an unfair generalization. Granted, some wooden toys can be fierce. But they are no scarier than a bullwhip! On the other end of the spectrum, we own both leather and wooden toys that I consider to be pure joy. Many factors enter into the severity of a spanking. The material from which the implement is constructed is but one.

  3. Being dominant (or submissive) is a full time job - There are indeed couples who live their D/s on a 24 hour per day basis. However, there are other viable lifestyle options that can also work well. For example, some couples practice dominance and submission only at home or only during sessions. There is no single correct arrangement, except in the context of one couple's relationship.

  4. Erotic spanking is the first step along the path to domestic discipline - As with the previous point, this is but one of many alternatives. Some couples practice DD without erotic spanking. For others, it's the opposite. A third group partakes in both. Each couple must seek their own ideal mix.

  5. Spankees seek most of all to be humilated - I have read fictional stories where the big, bad dom yells, "Bare your fat ass, you stupid slut," or something even worse. There's probably a woman somewhere who gets off on that kind of talk, but I guarantee she is in the minority. I believe most of us who choose to submit do so out of love. We care for our partner and expect he will reciprocate in some fashion other than abusing us and beating us down. Earning submission is a honor. Taking it is a crime.

  6. A good spanking is one that can be felt the following day - My husband says this, but I still don't buy it. As I outlined above, a good spanking is one that brings about a positive change in the recipient. It might only hurt for ten minutes, but that may be all that is required.

  7. Spankings should be serious - Spanking, like almost everything else, is so much easier if you can laugh and see the humor sometimes. A trip over the knee is not quite like a trip to the gallows. Forget the executioner hood. It looks ridiculous.

  8. It's best to spank until the spankee cries - Some spankees cry before the first swat. Others, like me, almost never cry during a spanking. There are better signs for judging a spanking's therapeutic value. For example, when the spankee relaxes her muscles and struggles no more, it generally means she has accepted the gift being given her.

  9. Spanking solves most problems - No amount of spanking can repair a bad relationship. In fact, it might even exacerbate the situation. What spankings can do is open the channels of communication required to preserve and maintain a healthy relationship. But there is no magic bullet.

  10. Aftercare is a sign of weakness - The purpose of aftercare is to bring the spankee gently back to Earth following a very intense physical and emotional experience. There is a time to play the tough disciplinarian, but this isn't it. Aftercare is an opportunity to return to the role of trusted friend, tender lover, and loyal companion. It completes the cycle and makes the entire experience real.
I'm sure I could think of ten more, but that's a project for another day.

Randy and I will be away for a few days with limited internet access. I hope to stop in, but if I don't, please know that I'll be missing all of you.


Tim said...

I'm with you on all of these, but particularly #3. I think 24 hours works GREAT for convenience stores and not so much with the dominant thing.

Anonymous said...

Sound advice Bonnie.

I'm interested in part of #9
"What spanking can do is open channels of communication required to preserve and maintain a healthy relationship"

Can anyone please explain more on this subject to me?



Jane said...

Hi Bonnie,
Well written!
Regarding "anonymous' above and #9.

Personally, I find it very difficult to talk to my husband about our relationship. In the terms of what I need and like. I find it difficult to express and trust that he won't laugh at me or think me weird. After a spanking, when I am lying safe and warm in his arms I can tell him anything. That's when we are both stripped of everything else and I lie their vulnerable to him, yet secure in his arms. For us/me it's not just about the spanking but about eveyrthing else that goes with it. My husband and I are relatively new at bringing DD into our relationship.

Hermione said...

Our spankings aren't serious, they are foreplay and therefore erotic. They can be a time for laughter, too. Likethe time my partner spanked me with an 18 inch long rattan cane with a shoehorn on the end. After a few whacks, the shoehorn broke off. "You broke my shoehorn!", he cried. I giggled, and earned myself a few hard swats from his hand.
Another time, a wooden spoon had been applied to good effect then set aside on the bed and forgotten. My partner later rolled over to get out of bed, and sat on the spoon, breaking it. We both laughed at that one.

Paul said...

Bonnie, I wish that we had the sort of advice that you offer, then.
There is nothing that I disagree with in what you have written. There is no right way or wrong way, each couple is unique and work out what suites them best.
Even though we were a D/D and D/s 24/7 couple, at least 90% of our spanking were good girl and Mel always received aftercare after a punishment. We loved each other too much to do any other way.
Have a good time Bonnie.
Warm hugs,

Reesa Roberts said...

Great post, Bonnie!


sparkle said...

Ditto to reesa! An excellent post, Bonnie. Even those of us that have been around the spanking scene for a long time need to remember these, as our relationships are not all the same.


Paige Tyler said...

I so agree with you, Bonnie! Have a great vacation!

Paige (Tigger)

Caryagal said...

Great post Bonnie. I wrote a comment yesterday but I guess it didn't take. I really loved the post though.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for taking the trouble to answer my question Jane. I would have said thanks on your blog but I haven't got an account.


Purple Angel said...

Excellent post Bonnie. I have to agree with your take on spanking. I especially agree that it opens channels of communication and helps with reconnecting. Sometimes the time together after a spanking is the most tender and caring time you can spend with your partner. It also ends the need for long contentious arguing. Once the spanking is over the problem is taken care of. All is forgiven and not rehashed over and over.
Plus after a spanking there is (at least should be) care given to both spanker and spankee. This does not usually follow traditional arguing.
Thanks for a great post!

Bonnie said...

Everyone - I'm sorry about the delayed responses, but I decided to post this right before we started our vacation.

Tim - That's our experience too, but I know couples for whom 7/24 D/s works wonderfully. At the end of the day, what really matters is the happiness and satisfaction of the two people in a relationship. There are probably as many ways to achieve this outcome as there are couples.

OPB - I think Jane's explanation is excellent. That's precisely what I had in mind.

Jane - Thank you for your great response. Perhaps I should have better defined how communications are enhanced.

Hermione - To a spankee, there are few situations that are funnier than outlasting a spanking implement. That's a classic. I believe in the power of humor and there's no reason why we shouldn't look for the fun in practically everything.

Paul - Your description provides a splendid example of a couple making kink their own. You and Mel tailored it to fit your needs and desires. I have to believe this approach will nearly always work better than anyone's one-size-fits-all or cookbook definition.

Reesa - Thank you!

Sparkle - Thanks! That is so true. As much as we all have in common, each couple is slightly different and may measure success in different ways.

Paige - Thanks. We did enjoy a fine getaway. I plan to share some details as soon as I get a little breathing room.

Carye - Sorry about that. After I leave a comment on Blogger, I usually go back to ensure that it's visible. If not, it's easy to go back and submit it again. I've definitely seen this bug and I've been bitten by it. I know how aggravating it can be.

Purple - Yes, we do agree. Well said!

Michael said...


I especially liked the comment about "bare your fat ass you stupid slut". True enough that those who doen't understand the spanking world, misinterpret it to mean someone wants to be a doormat.

Excellent Post!


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