Play: A Queen’s Command

As part of my never ending search for new ways to tell spanko tales, here is an original one act Elizabethan play.

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Scene One – Setting: Late fifteenth century England, in a large bedroom of well-maintained Windex Castle.

Velveeta (a servant): Hath thou heardest the news, thy Grace?

Lady Windex (a noble woman): Tell me, prithee, oh Velveeta.

Velveeta: Valorous Samsonite toldeth me Queen Mazola seeks a bride for her son, Rolo, the Dark Grey Prince.

Lady Windex: Nonsense, is that gent not a fool?

Velveeta: Aye, mine Grace, but a handsome and wealthy fool.

Lady Windex: Pray telleth, how doth the queen mean to findeth this bride?

Velveeta: Samsonite sayeth she plans to have the Prince spank every maiden in the county and then selecteth the one who fits his hand most wonderously.

Lady Windex: He shalt beest an old fool ere he finishes. Willest thou offer thy gentle derriere for this fool’s quest?

Velveeta: No choice I have.

Lady Windex: Art thou speaketh liketh Yoda again?

Velveeta: Beggeth pardon, thy Grace.

Lady Windex: Whatethever.

Velveeta: Ladies at court calleth the Dark Grey Prince, “Ratslay’r.”

Lady Windex: Sayeth no more.

Scene Two – Setting: Lavish palace throne room

Sir Corvair (An elderly royal advisor): Maid Playtex? Art thee hither?

Prince Rolo (Queen Mazola’s only son and heir): Oh, Playtex, tis thy time. I shalt spankest thee.

Sir Corvair: Alas, Majesty, the Maid Playtex hath fled the castle.

Prince Rolo: Captain of the Guard! Seizeth Maid Playtex! Bringeth the lady hither.

Sir Michelob: (the robust Captain of the Guard): Aye, Majesty, at once. (Leaves)

Prince Rolo: Tis foul fates yond spoileth mine own plans. But it matters not. Sir Corvair, who art inscribed in the book for the morrow’s spanking?

Sir Corvair: Tis the wench Velveeta, a servant of Lady Windex, Sire.

Prince Rolo: Bringeth the lady ere me.

Sir Corvair: Ye be wantin’ me to wait afore the Cap’n o’ the Guard to return?

Prince Rolo: Speakest thou as a pirate? I shall slay thee. Goeth now!

Sir Corvair: I beseech thee, oh mighty Monarch, to forgive mine feeble levity.

Prince Rolo: Whyeth art thou still hither?! (to self) I hath jesters too numbered and advisors too scarce.

Scene Three – Setting: Windex Castle reception room

Sir Chapstick (military aid to Lady Windex): Announcing Sir Corvair who cometh in the stead of Prince Rolo.

Lady Windex: How now, Sir Corvair? What business doth thee bringeth?

Sir Corvair: I presenteth this royal order on behalf of our gentle sovereign, Prince Rolo. His mother, the Queen, hath decreed all maidens in the county shalt beeth spanked by his Majesty, the Prince, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate bride and future queen.

Lady Windex: What bringeth thee hither? A maiden I am not.

Sir Corvair: I am commanded to retrieve the maiden Velveeta who art in thy employ.

Lady Windex: Velveeta? The wench is but a youth.

Sir Corvair: My most humble apology, thy Grace, these art mine orders.

Lady Windex: Cometh forward, Velveeta. What sayest thou?

Velveeta: I sayeth I wouldst much like to meeteth the Prince.

Lady Windex: And what of this spanking talk?

Velveeta: Tis of no worry. I doth favor a stout rogue with a rough hand.

Lady Windex: Then I shalt grant thy release from mine service. Fare thee well and sendeth our greeting to the Prince. Thanketh thee, noble knight. (Sir Corvair and Velveeta depart)

Scene Four – Setting: Lavish palace throne room

Sir Michelob: Announcing Velveeta, a wench of Windex, as ordered to court for spanking by His Majesty, Prince Rolo.

Prince Rolo: Cometh hither, mine girl. (Velveeta approaches the throne) Knowest wherefore thou werest summoned?

Velveeta: Aye, thy Majesty. Thou intend to spanketh me.

Prince Rolo: Correct. Bactine, taketh yonder wench and prepareth her like the others.

Bactine (a weary looking female servant): Aye, thy Majesty (leaves with Velveeta)

Prince Rolo: (to the assembled courtiers) I rather favor this one. The lady is pleasant to the eye. Methinks I shalt enjoyeth striking her bum.

(after several minutes pass, Bactine leads Velveeta back into the throne room. Velveeta is now wearing a short, plain, white chemise and nothing else)

Prince Rolo (Clearly pleased with his prize): Approacheth the throne. (Velveeta slowly complies) Fearest not.

(Prince Rolo rises from his throne. He takes Velveeta by the hand and leads her to a simple wooden bench positioned nearby. He sits and then guides Velveeta down across his lap in a manner that uncovers her pale, round bottom)

Prince Rolo (To Velveeta, but sufficiently loud to be heard by the entire court): I shalt commenceth the spanking. Preparest thou.

Velveeta: Aye, Thy Majesty.

Prince Rolo (to no one and everyone): Such a polite wench.

(Prince Rolo begins to swat Velveeta’s exposed cheeks with his hand in a deliberate right-left pattern. The repeated impacts generate loud clapping flesh upon flesh sounds that echo through the castle far beyond the throne room. Velveeta remains stoic.)

Prince Rolo (winded): If I hadst to spanketh thee for a lifetime, it would beest a chore. Thy bum doth beest scarlet, but thee careth not.

(Spanking resumes, now at a faster pace, for several minutes. Velveeta still shows no reaction)

Prince Rolo (now frustrated and whiny): Mine hand hurteth.

(Queen Mazola enters the throne room. The courtiers all bow)

Queen Mazola (Annoyed): For the sake of Peter, Paul, and Mary, what goeth on hither? I hearest thy slaps from mine own tower.

Prince Rolo: I spanketh but nothing happeneth. Mummy, I injured mine palm.

Velveeta: Has't ye a hairbrush?

Queen Mazola (exasperated): Nay, lass. Thou art more female than a Ratslay’r can handle. (Courtiers quietly snicker)

Prince Rolo (Embarrassed): Prithee, Mummy, sayeth not that word.

Queen Mazola: Bactine, prepareth this brave wench to depart. She hath served nobly. (Bactine and Velveeta leave) Corvair, payeth the lady ten pieces of gold for her trouble and returneth her to Windex Castle.

Prince Rolo: But, Mummy…

Queen Mazola Silence! Returneth to thy chambers and practice upon thy pillow.

(Prince Rolo departs, sobbing quietly)

Queen Mazola (To the courtiers): Mine own mother toldeth me an heir wouldst beest a most superb blessing. She toldeth me not that said blessing wouldst beest cast upon thee who point and chuckle at our misfortune.