Feminism, Submission, Gender Roles, Consent, Empowerment, Naughtiness, and TTWD

This is a set of inter-related topics that I have wanted to address for a long while. A few months ago, I shared an interview I did in 2012. Looking back upon my words, I realized how far my thinking has advanced in the years since.

My answer eight years ago was a qualified agreement with a statement that TTWD helps me to explore my feminine side.

Today, that response feels inadequate and wrong. I think that gender, sexual preference, identity, and dominance/submission are each completely separate parameters. Each is one part of how we define ourselves. All of the other combinations are no less legitimate or acceptable than the male dominant / female submissive pairing about which I usually write.

I find myself more sensitive to this alleged connection between the feminine gender and submission. In my search for the next great spanko link, I review a broad range of kinky web sites. In my cyber travels, I sometimes encounter toxic sites that advocate violent non-consensual abuse of women "because they need it." (shudder) These damn people are serious about their hatred.

In this context, I feel obligated to defend my sisters. Women are strong. Women are smart. Women are beautiful. Women are wise. Women are resourceful. And if we are also submissive, it should be because we are empowered to choose this path, and not because some misogynist loser thinks we are inferior.

So how does feminism fit with TTWD? By accepting a submissive role, am I not sustaining the patriarchy to the detriment of all women? My answer is an emphatic no. The distinction comes down to consent. I am never forced to do anything against my will. I grant my consent from a position of empowerment. There are no spankings, or any other sex acts, without my full involvement in the discussion and decision making process that proceeds them. Because I have the ability and the right to choose, I take informed responsibility for my own welfare. Randy gets to spank me because I trust him and explicitly elect to participate. I choose to express my freedom by being submissive. I don’t see that as a contradiction.

I am a cis-female and femininity is one aspect of my personality. But neither defines who I am as a whole, any more than does my being a writer. Each of these attributes is independent. I know women who vigorously reject pink frills, lace, and bows. And I know males who embrace all of that. We’re people. We can draw statistical correlations among sex and gender and role, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. I support feminism because I am empowered as a woman to select any role where I feel comfortable expressing my own identity.

OK, here’s where it gets a tiny bit weird, but I can’t in good conscience leave out this part. I think that submitting to my lover is incredibly hot. Even after all these years, when he tells me in that gruff tone to lift my skirt and get over his lap, waves of nervous anticipation flow through my whole body. Submission and spankings are huge turn-ons for me. I want these elements as a regular part of my life because I enjoy them.

Am I turned on because this desire to be dominated is diametrically at odds with my liberated ideal? Is that divergence therefore forbidden and naughty? I ask myself this question and I believe the answer is no. I’ve been obsessed with being spanked for almost my entire life, long before I had any adult concept of self, let alone liberation. A better explanation, I think, is that spanking and submission are the core of my sexuality. To be spanked is to be loved, every bit as much as being embraced or penetrated. And it’s this physical contact and closeness that I crave.

So where does the naughty part come in? Corporal punishment has always been an essential part of my kink. I love the idea of being the bad girl who has misbehaved and must now be spanked for it. I don’t really want to be bad because I have no desire to hurt anyone or cause trouble. In my mind, however, I am totally deserving and willing to accept whatever is coming to me. I aspire to experience and understand traditional punishment rituals as only a full participant can. I still get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling as I am being strapped to the spanking bench. I don’t believe these feelings are a response to a long repressed childhood trauma. My best explanation is that the naughty girl is a role with which I identify. If anything, it’s a role I didn’t get to fully explore back when I actually was a girl. I used to dream about spankings in my bed every night. Today, I’ve lived the fantasy in numerous permutations, and I still dream of spankings.

This post is a lot of expelled thoughts of varying degrees of specificity and coherence. Thank you for joining me on this exploration of my inner kinky self. I hope it brings some clarity or at least a different perspective on these sometimes thorny questions.