A Simple Question

As rarely as I post, it’s surprising that I still receive reader e-mails. But I do. Some of them are those goofy and unnervingly inappropriate messages that Erica handles so wonderfully. But other correspondents genuinely want to talk about being a spanko.

I would like to share a bit of one conversation that you might enjoy. A young woman named Melinda wrote:

I’ve read a lot of articles from your blog and frankly, I’m fascinated. I find the idea of being spanked deeply intriguing, but it’s not exactly a turn on. When my husband spanks me – at my request – all I feel is pain. Somehow, it’s not sexy or fun. I like the idea far more than the reality.

I want to enjoy this, but I’m not sure I can. What would you recommend?

Here is my response:

Everyone’s preferences are different, just as they are with cuisine or entertainment. As long as people are safe and consenting, one preference is not objectively superior to another. As their relationship grows, a couple can discover, sometimes through experimentation, those activities that bring pleasure and satisfaction to both partners.

If spankings are not enjoyable at any level, it doesn’t make much sense to pursue them. On the other hand, if you find spankings “deeply intriguing” perhaps you would like reading spanking stories or watching spanking videos. Or maybe you are better suited to the top role.

Sexual preferences often seem to be hard wired. It’s one thing to say, “I didn’t know I liked x, but after trying it, I can see that I do.” It’s quite another to decide that you now like something that you previously tried and definitively disliked. These preferences evolve over time, but they seldom flip entirely.

But there are other possibilities. I’ve talked with spankos who say that while they love being spanked, it holds no sexual allure. They connect at some different level. It may be a feeling of submission that they seek and spankings are a physical expression. Some spankos, including me, want to experience the emotions and sensations of traditional corporal punishment. Still others incorporate spanking into a 24/7 lifestyle.

If you wish to press on, you and your husband might try changing up the spanking scenarios. For example, you might try less vigorous spankings, different positions, mixing spanking with sex in various ways, role plays, costumes, journaling, and other variations. Even if the spankings don’t click, working together to satisfy one another is generally a positive experience. There are no right answers, except in the context of the two people in the relationship.

Melinda responded:

Thank you for explaining. I didn’t understand there was so much thinking behind spanking. I’m still not sure what I want, but I love reading about your experiences. I would like to try something similar. I like reading spanking stories and I would like to try spanking videos. I will talk to my husband and see what he is willing to try. I want to make this work.

Please tell me – What is it about being spanked that appeals to you?

Here’s my reply:

I can see that you are truly interested. As you begin to explore this topic, it’s best to not spend too much time comparing your experiences with those of others. We each live different lives with different partners and deal with different circumstances. There are many routes to success and happiness. Even if we reach similar destinations, your path will probably be unlike mine or anyone’s.

So now to your question... There is no single answer. I could spend ten years writing hundreds of posts explaining why I love to have my husband spank my bottom. In fact, I did! But let’s see if I can capture the highlights.

My interest in spanking goes way back to early childhood. When I saw a spanking depicted on a television show, in a book, newspaper or magazine, in a cartoon or a movie, or in real life, it always triggered a tingly sort feeling deep inside me. It wasn’t sexual at that age, but I felt a strong attraction. I wanted to be the special one. I secretly wished that I could be that girl who was the center of attention as she wriggled atop the lap of a strong man. I knew from personal experience that spankings hurt, but that just didn’t matter.

As I grew older, my fascination expanded. In those pre-internet days, I combed magazines for pictures of spanking implements or things that looked like they might be implements. I looked up many spanking-related words in the dictionary. I memorized some of the definitions, such as “to strike the buttocks repeatedly, as in punishment.” I wanted my buttocks struck repeatedly.

I attended a school where some kids were paddled for misbehavior. But I was a good girl and never did anything bad enough to warrant the paddle. Naturally, I wanted to know everything about it. I recall a sleepover where I convinced my friend Dori to tell me every detail of the time when she received three swats from the assistant principal. I hung on every her word. I still remember exactly how she described the command to bend over, how much it hurt, and how she cried. I told her I felt sorry for her because I could see that she truly hated it. But I silently thought about how lucky she was and how I might possibly want to offer to take her place one day if the opportunity ever arose.

Then came puberty and suddenly and unexpectedly, this special secret interest of mine became sexual. I started noticing boys and when I did, they started noticing me. In those early teen years, intercourse was the farthest thing from my mind, but the prospect a little kiss and a good spanking filled my dreams. When I touched myself late at night, my inspiration was almost always a firm but loving imaginary spanker who would warm my bottom and correct my naughty ways.

I had a number of boyfriends, but most didn’t quite work out. They didn’t guess what I wanted and I was too embarrassed to tell them. The one time in high school when I did nervously spell it out, it was with a boy who totally misunderstood. I escaped serious injury, but gained a recognition of how important it was to find a compatible partner.

In college, I met that perfect match. Randy is as enthusiastic as I am, but he prefers the narrow end of the paddle. We’re still together and still spanking after nearly forty years. We’ve explored all of my favorite fantasies and his as well.

Spankings for us are absolutely always sexual. We believe that spanking is sex. Spankings are the cornerstone of our sex life. We may occasionally enjoy sex without spanking or spanking without sex, but most of the time, it’s both.

I am what some people might somewhat disparagingly call a bedroom submissive. I defer to his needs during our private times, but we live otherwise as equal partners. I am a capable adult woman, but I choose to submit to his superior strength and power. He protects and holds me. When he is strong, I don’t have to be. I can let go and allow events to transpire around me. Ironically, I express my own power by consciously ceding it to him for a time. Spankings are an expression of his dominance. I demonstrate my submission by gratefully accepting every swat he decides to share. This intimate exchange reconnects us and draws us ever closer.

As I mentioned, I adore corporal punishment scenes. We don’t do real punishment in a domestic discipline sense, though I would if Randy asked. Our scenes are closer to intense role play. Being the bad girl who needs to be spanked taps into a whole world of fantasies for me. I’ve been the truant schoolgirl, the naughty cheerleader, the sassy punk, the inattentive lover, the sloppy secretary, and many other permutations. The result is always a good spanking. These ritualized punishment scenarios touch something deep in my being.

We own a spanking bench. Yes, it’s actually a piece of furniture whose sole use is positioning me to be spanked. We play with light bondage. It’s nothing extreme or exotic, but more a bit of spice we add sometimes. I find it another expression of control that places me in a situation where compliance is no longer an issue. I enjoy these sensations.

Still, there’s more. I really like all of the trappings of spanking. We collect spanking implements and they get used regularly. I sometimes dress for spankings. We have spanking-related signals and code words. I enjoy spanking talk and spanking commands. I like having to assume the position. I gasp at the feel of a cold, smooth implement against my bare skin. I even like the vicious sting as my bottom is spanked. I appreciate the after-burn, the aftercare, and the lovemaking that follows. I love that little twinge hours later that reminds me that I was well spanked. I check my bottom in the mirror as I run my fingers over my marks. All of these experiences and sensations thrill, excite, and please me.

Randy loves to spank and I love to accommodate him. He dresses me for spankings and I am delighted to cooperate. He selects the timing, setting, position, implement, pace, and duration. He revels in surprising me by changing up the routine. In recent years, we have added corner time to our repertoire. He uses this time to expand his private photo collection.

Finally, I love being a spanko because it allows me to be a proud member of a wonderful community of bloggers. Some of these friends are as important to me as family members. Very little of what I share on the blog can be discussed with real life friends and family. But on the blogs, I can be myself.

That’s why I enjoy spankings. Your mileage may vary.