Anastasia Vitsky: I'm glad you're asking this question, Bonnie. Too often people feel like they can't join in the conversation unless they are already experienced or in a relationship.
BDSM munches can be a great way to meet people in person in a safe, public setting. Another way is to visit people's blogs or other social media to find someone (or someones) who seem safe and sane. Of course, we can always misjudge, and newbies should be very, very careful about safety. Don't assume that people's first impressions are always honest. Be slow to give out any identifying or real-life information.
Safety first. I can't emphasize that enough.
Quiet Sara: If they are in a committed relationship already, they could just buy an implement they are interested in, lay it out one evening, wear something sexy and say, "I've been wanting to try something new!" It might work. :)
Katie: I would say that the key is research. Read around the blogs, etc. to understand some safe ways to proceed. When ready to get started, make sure that you have a trustworthy partner with whom you can talk about moving forward. I'd say take it nice and easy at first and see where it leads. Have some spanky fun practice sessions. I think a safe word from the start, is a good idea as well. Just in case!
Jenny: Ask for what you want, but don't expect too much if your partner turns out to be vanilla. If you don't have a regular bf/gf/husband/wife, then you may be able to find someone else to fill the role. If you think you want it, you will probably like it. You won't know for sure until you try. Would you like to turn 60 knowing that you never tried this thing that you always wanted?
I've talked with several women who began their spanking journey while in their sixties. While they may regret waiting so long, none regretted their exploration.
Terpsichore: I am going to answer this question as someone who has a partner as that is my only personal experience. If you have a partner and have these desires, I recommend that you take some time to read and feel comfortable. My Bottom Smarts is a great resource for anyone wishing for information and support on receiving a first spanking and safe play. Hearing others' stories can help you to accept this part of yourself and prepare you to share when you are ready.
The next step is share. Communicate your feelings with your partner. Whether you talk with them, write them, or email them, start the conversation no matter how difficult. Hopefully, your partner will respond positively and the play can begin. Take start small... baby steps... and enjoy the process of getting closer with one another and hopefully your reality will be better than your dreams. :-)
Hermione: Reading spanking blogs is a great way to start. The rest depends on whether the person has a significant other or not. If so, the next step would be to tell the SO about your dream in an honest but light-hearted way.
BlueShins: I agree about reading lots of blogs. Blogs like this one made me much more accepting of this part of myself. Take things slowly and don't rush into anything just because you have an opportunity to experience it. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of finally being able to try spanking and get carried away. I did and it didn't lead to a great first experience. There are lots of sites nowadays where you can meet like-minded people. I'd recommend joining some and just chatting with people to begin with. Just remember to be careful if you choose to take it further.
Six of the Best: A good way to start is by attending one of the yearly spanking parties.
D.: My S said last week that her first spanking came “out of the blue.” So too was my first attempt. Having dreamed for some time of spanking her curvy rear, a bit of naughtiness made me think, “Well, why not?” I soon had her across my knee, my palm drumming away on the seat of her tight skirt. It was neither a lengthy nor a hard spanking, and S was soon back on her feet with one hand rubbing her bottom. What was her reaction going to be? I need not have worried. She grinned, and then pulled up her skirt and lowered her panties to show her bare cheeks. They were only slightly pink. You can guess where that led, and has continued to do so ever since.
Joeyred: If someone does not have a partner, I recommend that they Google SCONY and read the material about spanking. The site covers safe play, safe words and has lots of materials for people who want an adult spanking.
I recommend that someone meet members online and communicate about their desire. Members can help with suggestions on how to play safe.
I started in this manner, finding SCONY online and meeting people in the club who helped me. Eventually, I attended an event and felt very safe and comfortable.
Sarah Thorne: I've recently had someone on another journal site (vanilla) where I write, actually ask me for advice. Though it's a vanilla site, my writings are similar to my blog and story site. The guy who reads just started dating a girl who likes spanking and some bondage. He isn't sure that she has ever done either, and he certainly hasn't. He was not sure what his next course of action should be! My advice to him was to find out for sure whether she had ever participated in any of it. If so, let her guide him as to what she likes and how she likes it. I told him that fantasy and reality are VERY different! Imagining a paddling and receiving one are very different if you have no idea what it's like! :)
George K: If someone has been dreaming about spanking for a while, the first time will likely be different than they imagine. I remember the first time I asked for a spanking. I was nervous but just blurted out one night that I wanted a spanking. Thankfully, they were willing, and although the spanking was less than I wanted, it was a start.
I say be honest and say what you feel. Answer any questions and then be patient. Like all things, it takes time to learn the intimate needs of your partner.
Fiona: I would say, it depends upon the person and their situation. If they are married, find a time when they have privacy and time and explore your partner's thoughts on spanking.
I agree that reading blogs is a great way to learn, but because my spankings have occurred with my Sir, I don't know about outside of a relationship.
River Wild: Whether you are in a relationship or looking, be honest with yourself and those with whom you wish to play. Give it time because you have probably been thinking about this for quite a while and your partner, if you have one, needs to catch up with you a bit. Don't forget to have fun and be able to laugh at yourself too. :)
Grand: Purchase or stream the movie Secretary. It's the one with James Spader spanking Maggie Gyllenhaal from 2002. Even if there isn't a spark, then you and your partner get to enjoy a quirky movie.
If there IS a spark, you will be enjoying the start of something very new and exciting.
It just may be easier to watch this couple explore each other through spanking than to just coldly take the leap yourselves. Act out part of the movie, discuss, rewind and replay. Whatever might turn you on.
Bob B: For most people, in a vanilla relationship or not, it must be a very confusing and frustrating subject. From a top's point of view, where do you start finding someone that likes pain inflicted upon them? Most of the population doesn’t. When I was young, I used to casually bring it up in conversation to sound people out. Most reactions were along the lines of no one is going to do that to me. If you’re a bottom and you want to feel that stinging sensation, again, most people feel uncomfortable inflicting pain on someone they love.
All the comments here are valid because life is so diverse and things just happen out the blue. But for the most part, as Anastasia said, it is all about safety and making sure you do not get carried away with the moment. There are a lot of sites where you can meet genuine people, but there are also a lot of dangerous people as well. I occasionally dabble in Fetlife. I am not into amassing friends I do not know, but Erica, Pink and Lea always have interesting stuff to say. There are a lot of experienced people there and quite a few horror stories. As already mentioned, the munchies are a good place to start because you are not on your own, but with like-minded people. However, some find this to be too much, especially if they are very shy.
I was contacted through Fet about a year ago by someone who liked my profile. She had always had these feelings, but knew the person she was with would not even entertain it. When they broke up, she found Fet and dived right in. I explained that she needed to take things slowly. Because she is submissive, that does not mean she should be forced to do things she is not comfortable with. It was too late. She decided to meet someone alone, at their house. Before the kettle had chance to boil, he was naked and not very pleasant. Luckily, she got out before any proper harm was done. She then disappeared, a waste of a lovely lady who could have eventually found what she was looking for.
At the end of the day, it is about common sense and safety. As already mentioned, it's important to be truthful with any current or potential partner. Research as much as possible and meet people, but never in private. Make sure your safety always comes first. As Joey said, read and learn from real people's experiences. As Sarah said, there is a vast difference between imagining a paddling and receiving one. You need to completely trust the person to whom you are handing your body. Most of all, enjoy what you are getting into and don’t ever think you are a freak.
Curtis G: I started playing in the seventh grade and just tried to inveigle any girl and then woman into spanking. I had trouble at first with the party scene and was scared of playing until my fourth party. My advice for someone who has a relationship and spanking is really a core part of you is to gradually talk to your partner and see whether he (or she) is willing to explore. If he or she isn't, it's probably not going to be a long-lasting relationship because ultimately needs have to be accommodated.
If, however, you're a first-timer, I would suggest several things: (1) visit some of the blogs that Bonnie has provided (including this one) and see which one has approaches with which you feel comfortable; (2) join some of the Yahoo spanking groups, some of which hold events; (3) find groups in your area through Fetlife and attend their munches; (4) communicate with those whose comments online or profiles in Fetlife seem to be of interest.
I also recommend SCONY if you're in the East as the party you should attend first. Ms. Margaret is very protective of those new to the scene. You don't need to stay in that group -- I didn't -- but it's a very good place to start. Above all, know yourself, know what you think you'd like or want and convey that to anyone who is of interest to you. You may expand in other directions, but start with who you are and what you want.
Bonnie: I think the very first step is to know your own mind. While your preferences may change somewhat as you gain experience, the core of your interest probably won't. There are many sources today where you can learn about what different people do and get an idea of which activities and relationship styles appeal to you (or not). You can also gain confidence in recognizing that your spanking interest is shared by many other normal, happy people and supported by a strong, diverse, vibrant community.
Once armed with this knowledge, you will be better prepared when you choose to explore spanking in the real world.
Thanks, everybody, for another great discussion.
1 comment :
Great suggestions. I was one of those over 60 starters.
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