In the context of a relationship that includes consensual adult spanking, what does it take to earn your trust? How do you demonstrate to a potential partner that you are worthy of their trust? What is required to maintain and preserve trust once it is established?
I invite you to join our conversation. Please add your thoughts in the form of a comment below. Or, if you prefer, post a response on your blog and provide us a link. At the end of the weekend, I will post an edited summary of our discussion.
21 comments :
No means No and Stop means Stop. Trust evolves over a period of time. Consensual spanking and other activities all require a feeling of being safe with another person. I think that is all part of a loving relationship. It's very rare that we have to use a safe word to stop, we just know when it's not working. That comes with time and getting to know your partner.
This is very timely because my good girl and I were discussing trust recently. She has indicated I have won her trust and I sm not even sure how I did that, but I think the key is to just be yourself and not try to be someone you aren't. I always tried to be transparent and honest and I think that is always the key to a trusting relationship.
FD
Discipline - no- not our scene . Erotic - yes, but my bottom has to hurt more than I really want, to get my thrills. We have a safe word, but I can't remember ever using it, as, after the many times D has spanked me, he knows just how much I can take, and I trust him not to go further. The real trust is needed when I am restrained for my spanking, so am fully in his control, and even more so, on rare occasions, he has gagged me, so that I can not even give the safe word, or give the yelps and squeals, to which he takes no heed anyway ! He once had me strapped to our trestle, the ball gag in my mouth, and then blind folded me so that my whole world devolved to my upturned bare bottom, which was his to do with as he wished, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then I really had to trust him, and it was the most thrilling, and probably also the most smarting evening ever. S.
I believe that my husband thinks about this more than I do. He spanked once in anger and it has haunted him since, at least he periodically brings it up, convinced that I lost trust in him. I didn't.
I never think about it because I do trust him so completely, and no word from me would get him to stop and he would never go beyond the boundary of what is safe. It is intuition fused with a deep knowledge of your partner, and coated in empathy and love.
... As related to a male, it is your submissive attitude, once and again, when she gets to know if she commands or simply says or implies anything, you will do it; that if she wants to scold you, punish you, you wil submit yourself to her... The point has to be proven many times indeed, before a regular woman trusts her dominance on the man. No other easier way there is, I think there is no better one either... ;-/
Bonnie,
Great topic and very timely. Anything real or imagined that makes either partner feel unsafe has the potential of breaking trust. Sometimes what is happening in the imagination of one can cause more distrust than anything "real." I have only used my safe word a couple of times in my life, and once it was by text! Clearly there was no real danger, but something my sweetheart said by text made me feel unsafe and I expressed it. Soon we were both laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation, but I had a safe word and used it, and that kept everyone safe!
maryann
Trust is earned by each playmate and given by each as well. When I play with a new partner, I start with a meal in public place. This neutral setting starts the process. During the meal we talk about consent, safe words and hard limits. Then ee move to why each of us plays the way we do...what motivates us... all of this helps generate trust... trust builds over time, part chemistry, part experience, over a period of time playing with other.
houstob_switch
My short answer is that it takes time. Trusting someone fully right off the bat could later prove a bad idea and even unsafe. From casual play partners to people I've had more serious relationships with, a lot of communication and time spent in getting to know each other and each other's wants/needs is what leads to something that works.
All these comments so far are very cogent. It rang a responsive chord in me when another anonymous sub spoke of restraint. Trust is earned, and I relish showing my lover that I trust him completely by complying to his requests to tied me down, blindfold and gag me. Sensory deprivation makes the punishment more delicious. He usually spanks me just past my comfort-limits, but most often the only thing I say when the gag is removed is, "More, please." It takes real trust to let your man cane you when you can't do anything but moan, as he makes you scale the heights one stripe after another. It built even deeper trust between us when he's taken me sexually right afterward, sometimes via a variety of avenues. You've got to have trust.
Jean Marie
Love, marriage, and experience. If there is love that is unconditional and commitment that is permanent [marriage] the trust is there. Experience allows that trust to take people to new and different places. At least that is how my spouse and I have experienced complete trust with each other in all things including spanking. And we do have nearly forty years of experience which has indeed taken each of us to new places in many things, spanking included.
We never play without our safe word, but it is never needed. There have been times when I have felt that I was one swat away from "RED LIGHT", but as if my husband could read my mind he stopped. I asked him how he knew I was at my limit and he just told me that he knew and can't explain why.
communication - honesty - communication ... did I mention communication?
We mean what we say and
we don't break the trust we build.
Push - don't break limits which means that you must both communicate and be diligent with knowing and observing your partner.
Such a good question, Bonnie.
There is so much that could be said on this topic.
To hit the highlights, I would say the essentials are:
1) Be honest.
2) Be consistent.
3) Be willing to be firm, if necessary.
4) Be willing to explain why you want something or choose to do something.
5) Show your interest in them as a person.
oh and be willing to trust first. This is debatable, but I have always believed that since the Dominant in a relationship is going to end up being the one with more power/control, it is up to them to take the bigger risk when it comes to initial trust. You have to be willing to make yourself a little bit vulnerable to them before asking them to make themselves vulnerable to you.
I do this by sharing thoughts or secrets or deliberately letting them see the "every day" me.
Mind you, this point applies to more to D/s dynamics than it may to other interactions, such as just topping and bottoming. The power dynamic there can be a very different thing that requires it's own unique rules.
Trust is of UTMOST importance: it is VERY important that bottom KNOWS without a shadow of doubt that the top KNOWS enough about human anatomy not to seriously injure the bottom--brusing or breaking the tailbone or seriously damaging the sciatic nerve by poor placement of hard swats by heavy implements--and that the top has enought common sense to KNOW when ENOUGH is ENOUGH!
I have little to say that can help a person with a new partner. I trust Him because He has had my back for 20 years. Time. Experience. Communication. Commitment. Honestly- I marvel at people who have met on line and taken it to Real Life. It is such a risk-long before I let Him near my butt I knew He'd die for my safety-so there was no real physical risk and He'd cared for my heart for a long time by then. Yeah-I'll go with those: Time. Communication. Experience. Commitment.
Trust grows when it sheltered by love and fed by communication. Love births trust,and will continue to create the environment for trust to grow as the relationship develops. But love also fosters a desire to communicate. It is in the exchange of thoughts and ideas and desires that we expose our vulnerabilities to those we love. The more we communicate, the more we reveal of ourselves to our partners, and the more we grow to trust them.
May I add to mine, after reading Jean Marie's last paragraph.I did not say that I too received the most fantastic sex whilst bent bound gagged and blindfolded. I could not tell what was going to slide into my blazing bottom area next; only my mouth was left out, due to the gag ! S.
Trust is built by the following:
(1) communicating that you are knowledgeable about safe spanking - that you won't hit too high or let a strap or belt wrap around to the side of my hip - and that you won't spank anywhere other than my bottom and maybe occasionally on the backs of my thighs
(2) communicating that you know how to safely use each implement and that you have practiced using each new one on a pillow before you try to spank me
(2) communicating that you understand your responsibility to maintain a calm composure while you spank - you are sort of doing a job here, not just indulging sadistic fantasies and power scenarios; this spanking is about me, not you
(4) communicating that you will stop if the spanking becomes something well beyond what I signed up for, which will be communicated by me saying my safeword
(5) communicating that you will spank me even if I say "no" or "stop" or "I don't like it"
(6) communicating that you will not make a video or audio recording of the spanking - if anyone is going to record it, I will so that I will retain control the recording
(7) communicating that you will not touch me in a sexual way if we have agreed that sexual activity is off-limits
See how it all goes back to communication? ;)
Trust starts with clearly communicating one's needs, and in mutual acceptance of each person's interest in spanking. Trust doesn't happen overnight and it can take a while for it to be firmly established for both parties. Being open, honest and appreciative goes a long way towards establishing and maintaining trust.
Our spanking life grew out of an already established marriage, and we'd gone through trust issues earlier in our life together so by the time we started spanking we'd worked most trust issues out. I think in our case I trust him fully because I know he's actually scared to hurt me or mess this up. He won't do anything I'm not ready for, we're not ready for. Instead he has to trust me to be honest about my needs, about what is too much and what is not enough. I feel like I've got it easier in this respect than my husband does. I've demonstrated that I trust him completely, but I don't think he fully trusts that I'll tell him when we've reached my limit and so he's worried things will get out of hand one day and it will all fall apart.
I believe trust comes in layers...it takes time and communication. Consistency and honesty are parts, of the picture. Trust seems to take on new importance in a power exchange.
hugs abby
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