Sunday, October 28, 2012

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Oct 28

Our topic this week was trust. Here are your thoughts.

Fred Bloggs: No means No and Stop means Stop. Trust evolves over a period of time. Consensual spanking and other activities all require a feeling of being safe with another person. I think that is all part of a loving relationship. It's very rare that we have to use a safe word to stop. We just know when it's not working. That comes with time and getting to know your partner.

Florida Dom: This question is very timely because my good girl and I were discussing trust recently. She indicated I have won her trust. I am not even sure how I did that, but I think the key is to just be yourself and not try to be someone you aren't. I always tried to be transparent and honest and I think that is always the key to a trusting relationship.

S: Discipline is not our scene. Erotic - yes, but my bottom has to hurt more than I really want to get my thrills. We have a safe word, but I can't remember ever using it. After the many times D has spanked me, he knows just how much I can take, and I trust him not to go further. The real trust is needed when I am restrained for my spanking so am fully in his control. Even more so, on rare occasions, he has gagged me so that I can not even give the safe word or the yelps and squeals, to which he takes no heed anyway!

He once had me strapped to our trestle, the ball gag in my mouth, and then blindfolded me so that my whole world devolved to my upturned bare bottom, which was his to do with as he wished. There was nothing I could do about it. Then I really had to trust him, and it was the most thrilling, and probably also the most smarting evening ever. I received the most fantastic sex whilst bent, bound, gagged and blindfolded. I could not tell what was going to slide into my blazing bottom area next. Only my mouth was left out, due to the gag!

Lillian: I believe that my husband thinks about this more than I do. He spanked once in anger and it has haunted him since. He periodically brings it up, convinced that I lost trust in him. I didn't.

I never think about it because I do trust him so completely. No word from me would get him to stop and he would never go beyond the boundary of what is safe. It is intuition fused with a deep knowledge of your partner, and coated in empathy and love.

Cankunio: As related to a male, it is your submissive attitude, once and again, when she gets to know that if she commands or simply says or implies anything, you will do it. If she wants to scold you or punish you, you wikl submit yourself to her. The point has to be proven many times indeed, before a regular woman trusts her dominance on the man. No other easier way there is. I think there is no better one either... ;-/

Maryann Lovejoy: Anything real or imagined that makes either partner feel unsafe has the potential of breaking trust. Sometimes what is happening in the imagination of one can cause more distrust than anything "real." I have only used my safe word a couple of times in my life, and once it was by text! Clearly, there was no real danger, but something my sweetheart said by text made me feel unsafe and I expressed it. Soon we were both laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation, but I had a safe word and used it, and that kept everyone safe!

Houston Switch: Trust is earned by each playmate and given by each as well. When I play with a new partner, I start with a meal in public place. This neutral setting starts the process. During the meal, we talk about consent, safe words and hard limits. Then we move to why each of us plays the way we do and what motivates us. All of this helps to generate trust. Trust is part chemistry and part experience. It builds over a period of time while playing with other.

Lea: My short answer is that it takes time. Trusting someone fully right off the bat could later prove a bad idea and even unsafe. From casual play partners to people I've had more serious relationships with, a lot of communication and time spent in getting to know each other and each other's wants/needs is what leads to something that works.

Jean Marie: All of the comments so far are very cogent. It rang a responsive chord in me when another sub spoke of restraint. Trust is earned, and I relish showing my lover that I trust him completely by complying to his requests to tie me down, blindfold and gag me. Sensory deprivation makes the punishment more delicious. He usually spanks me just past my comfort limits, but most often the only thing I say when the gag is removed is, "More, please." It takes real trust to let your man cane you when you can't do anything but moan, as he makes you scale the heights one stripe after another. It built even deeper trust between us when he's taken me sexually right afterward, sometimes via a variety of avenues. You've got to have trust.

Hobbes: Love, marriage, and experience. If there is love that is unconditional and commitment that is permanent [marriage], the trust is there. Experience allows that trust to take people to new and different places. At least that is how my spouse and I have experienced complete trust with each other in all things including spanking. And we do have nearly forty years of experience which has indeed taken each of us to new places in many things, spanking included.

Anon: We never play without our safe word, but it is never needed. There have been times when I have felt that I was one swat away from "RED LIGHT," but as if my husband could read my mind, he stopped. I asked him how he knew I was at my limit and he just told me that he knew and can't explain why.

SirQsmlb: I'd say communication, honesty, and communication. Did I mention communication?

Trust is when we mean what we say and we don't break the trust we build. Also, we may push, but we don't break limits. This means that you must both communicate and be diligent with knowing and observing your partner.

Lady Koregan: I would say the essentials are:

1) Be honest.
2) Be consistent.
3) Be willing to be firm, if necessary.
4) Be willing to explain why you want something or choose to do something.
5) Show your interest in them as a person.

Oh, and be willing to trust first. This is debatable, but I have always believed that since the Dominant in a relationship is going to end up being the one with more power/control, it is up to them to take the bigger risk when it comes to initial trust. You have to be willing to make yourself a little bit vulnerable to them before asking them to make themselves vulnerable to you.

I do this by sharing thoughts or secrets or deliberately letting them see the "every day" me.

Mind you, this point applies to more to D/s dynamics than it may to other interactions, such as just topping and bottoming. The power dynamic there can be a very different thing that requires it's own unique rules.

Bobcat: Trust is of UTMOST importance. It is VERY important that bottom KNOWS without a shadow of doubt that the top KNOWS enough about human anatomy not to seriously injure the bottom. It is possible to bruise or break the tail bone or seriously damage the sciatic nerve by poor placement of hard swats by heavy implements. The top needs to have enough common sense to KNOW when ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

Saoirse: I have little to say that can help a person with a new partner. I trust Him because He has had my back for 20 years. Time. Experience. Communication. Commitment. Honestly. I marvel at people who have met online and taken it to real life. It is such a risk. Long before I let Him near my butt I knew He'd die for my safety, so there was no real physical risk and He'd cared for my heart for a long time by then. Yeah, I'll go with those: Time. Communication. Experience. Commitment.

Old Fashioned Marriage: Trust grows when it sheltered by love and fed by communication. Love births trust, and will continue to create the environment for trust to grow as the relationship develops. But love also fosters a desire to communicate. It is in the exchange of thoughts and ideas and desires that we expose our vulnerabilities to those we love. The more we communicate, the more we reveal of ourselves to our partners, and the more we grow to trust them.

Jenny: Trust is built by the following:
(1) Communicating that you are knowledgeable about safe spanking. For example, you won't hit too high or let a strap or belt wrap around to the side of my hip or spank anywhere other than my bottom and maybe occasionally on the backs of my thighs.
(2) Communicating that you know how to safely use each implement and that you have practiced using each new one on a pillow before you try to spank me.
(2) Communicating that you understand your responsibility to maintain a calm composure while you spank. You are sort of doing a job here, not just indulging sadistic fantasies and power scenarios. This spanking is about me, not you.
(4) Communicating that you will stop if the spanking becomes something well beyond what I signed up for, which will be communicated by me saying my safeword.
(5) Communicating that you will spank me even if I say "no" or "stop" or "I don't like it."
(6) Communicating that you will not make a video or audio recording of the spanking. If anyone is going to record it, I will so that I will retain control the recording.
(7) Communicating that you will not touch me in a sexual way if we have agreed that sexual activity is off-limits.

See how it all goes back to communication? ;)

Hermione: Trust starts with clearly communicating one's needs, and in mutual acceptance of each person's interest in spanking. Trust doesn't happen overnight and it can take a while for it to be firmly established for both parties. Being open, honest and appreciative goes a long way towards establishing and maintaining trust.

Sublime Wifey: Our spanking life grew out of an already established marriage, and we'd gone through trust issues earlier in our life together. By the time we started spanking, we'd worked out most trust issues. I think that in our case, I trust him fully because I know he's actually scared to hurt me or mess this up. He won't do anything I'm not ready for or we're not ready for. Instead, he has to trust me to be honest about my needs and about what is too much and what is not enough. I feel like I've got it easier in this respect than my husband does. I've demonstrated that I trust him completely, but I don't think he fully trusts that I'll tell him when we've reached my limit. So he's worried things will get out of hand one day and it will all fall apart.

Abby: I believe trust comes in layers. It takes time and communication. Consistency and honesty are also parts of the picture. Trust seems to take on new importance in a power exchange relationship.

Bonnie: There are so many great comments here and I agree with everything that has been said. In fact, I'm not sure I can add much more.

For me, trust grows from understanding, and understanding requires communication. Open, honest dialog has to be the starting point. From there, a couple can build the layers that Abby mentioned.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your concept of trust and strategies to maintain it.

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